I'm not a good consumer at all.
So today after getting my hair did and going to have coffee (and a cupcake - yum!) with greenpurple , I went to shop. For clothes. In the mall.
See, I had this idea that I'd buy a dress for erotic poetry night at the Cantab. I have like two dresses and three skirts to my name, and wanted something to get all dolled up. But trying on dresses, I realized that it just wasn't going to work for me. Nothing felt right. But I did try on size 14 dresses - and they fit. A year ago I was wearing size 18 and 20 jeans from Old Navy, so this is like a big difference for me. Of course, I hate shopping for clothes and hadn't done it in over a year, so this weight loss finally shifted into perspective. That was a strange thing. My body image is still all shot, and the nasty lights in a Macy's dressing room aren't going to make you feel better about the skin you have. Especially when you look like you've been playing rugby or something - I've got these bruises on my legs, and only some of them are attributable to skiing (mainly the one on my shin from making the boots tighter, but I was tired of my toes feeling smooshed).
But I ended up buying this great pair of pants. I was thinking about French women in those films from the sixties with the pencil thin black pants (or leggings, maybe?) and that just sounded right to me. I took in a 16 and a 14, and ended up picking the 14s because the others were just too wrinkly for a pair of spandex-based trouser pants. Even with the smaller ones, it was still a bit loose, but I didn't want to go all camel toe on people, ya know? They look great - I'm still sort of befuddled by that. The shirt was a bit tougher, because I had a pretty solid idea of what I wanted and it was simple - single color black or white, maybe a turtleneck. But this is not possible in a mall, even at the other places.
I ended up picking a couple of t-necks at Sears, and they were on clearance. Turned out I paid just over five bucks for both. Felt like a dork for handing them my debit card (for five bucks). Hell, even if I don't wear them for what I was thinking of, it's like five bucks, yo! I also paid a ridonculous amount for some perfume. It just made me feel all warm and happy and smelling it made me think of someone smelling behind your ear and closing their eyes because it smells so good. That seems to be a good criteria for picking a fragrance.
But by the end of this, I felt a bit weird for purchasing "so much" (the pants were ridonculous, too - but they were exactly what I wanted and I bought them). When I was much (much much) younger, I went through a period of having department store credit cards and buying way too much useless stuff (iike clothes and such). I didn't feel like I was doing that now, but the endless searching for stuff just felt wrong, and sort of endless by the time I was in the second store. There are just much better things I could be doing, you know? Things don't make me feel better anymore, not even for a little while. A certain thing - that pleases me. But not just aimless searching for stuff.
Right now my head's achey and sore. I don't know why, but I'm going to sit here for a while and rest, drink some water. Be at peace for a while if I can.
i'm trying not to think too much about tomorrow and what might happen. I've sort of invited the new interest to the Cantab as he lives in Boston. I figured if he's totally repulsed he can slip out the back door and not even introduce himself, no harm no foul. I've got a poem about skiing and love and trust that I need to work on so I can use it tomorrow. There's still this feeling of amazement that I've found myself talking with and getting to know a guy who seems so wonderful and interesting and a bit like me, if the truth be told. All thinking about feelings and wanting to get to be close to someone and understand where they come from and how they got to be the way they are. Having things in common. It's quite odd and refreshing. Maybe that whole "who wouldn't want to fuck themselves" thing should be modified to "who wouldn't want to have the same kind of interest and attention paid to them that they pay to others?" That I can totally get behind. It's almost funny it's so perfect in its symmetry.
It's hard not to think "what's the catch" but I'm learning to just be and enjoy. Not my normal position by any means, but I am working on it.
See, I had this idea that I'd buy a dress for erotic poetry night at the Cantab. I have like two dresses and three skirts to my name, and wanted something to get all dolled up. But trying on dresses, I realized that it just wasn't going to work for me. Nothing felt right. But I did try on size 14 dresses - and they fit. A year ago I was wearing size 18 and 20 jeans from Old Navy, so this is like a big difference for me. Of course, I hate shopping for clothes and hadn't done it in over a year, so this weight loss finally shifted into perspective. That was a strange thing. My body image is still all shot, and the nasty lights in a Macy's dressing room aren't going to make you feel better about the skin you have. Especially when you look like you've been playing rugby or something - I've got these bruises on my legs, and only some of them are attributable to skiing (mainly the one on my shin from making the boots tighter, but I was tired of my toes feeling smooshed).
But I ended up buying this great pair of pants. I was thinking about French women in those films from the sixties with the pencil thin black pants (or leggings, maybe?) and that just sounded right to me. I took in a 16 and a 14, and ended up picking the 14s because the others were just too wrinkly for a pair of spandex-based trouser pants. Even with the smaller ones, it was still a bit loose, but I didn't want to go all camel toe on people, ya know? They look great - I'm still sort of befuddled by that. The shirt was a bit tougher, because I had a pretty solid idea of what I wanted and it was simple - single color black or white, maybe a turtleneck. But this is not possible in a mall, even at the other places.
I ended up picking a couple of t-necks at Sears, and they were on clearance. Turned out I paid just over five bucks for both. Felt like a dork for handing them my debit card (for five bucks). Hell, even if I don't wear them for what I was thinking of, it's like five bucks, yo! I also paid a ridonculous amount for some perfume. It just made me feel all warm and happy and smelling it made me think of someone smelling behind your ear and closing their eyes because it smells so good. That seems to be a good criteria for picking a fragrance.
But by the end of this, I felt a bit weird for purchasing "so much" (the pants were ridonculous, too - but they were exactly what I wanted and I bought them). When I was much (much much) younger, I went through a period of having department store credit cards and buying way too much useless stuff (iike clothes and such). I didn't feel like I was doing that now, but the endless searching for stuff just felt wrong, and sort of endless by the time I was in the second store. There are just much better things I could be doing, you know? Things don't make me feel better anymore, not even for a little while. A certain thing - that pleases me. But not just aimless searching for stuff.
Right now my head's achey and sore. I don't know why, but I'm going to sit here for a while and rest, drink some water. Be at peace for a while if I can.
i'm trying not to think too much about tomorrow and what might happen. I've sort of invited the new interest to the Cantab as he lives in Boston. I figured if he's totally repulsed he can slip out the back door and not even introduce himself, no harm no foul. I've got a poem about skiing and love and trust that I need to work on so I can use it tomorrow. There's still this feeling of amazement that I've found myself talking with and getting to know a guy who seems so wonderful and interesting and a bit like me, if the truth be told. All thinking about feelings and wanting to get to be close to someone and understand where they come from and how they got to be the way they are. Having things in common. It's quite odd and refreshing. Maybe that whole "who wouldn't want to fuck themselves" thing should be modified to "who wouldn't want to have the same kind of interest and attention paid to them that they pay to others?" That I can totally get behind. It's almost funny it's so perfect in its symmetry.
It's hard not to think "what's the catch" but I'm learning to just be and enjoy. Not my normal position by any means, but I am working on it.