Sorry, but it just got to me a little bit, there.
Apologies to my flist for unloading like that, but I think it all finally got to me.
The problem isn't in dealing with the curves that life throws at me, it's dealing with the chaos that happens when things change in my orbit. When something bad happens, I need to deal with it and swallow that pain. What's been happening lately is I think I'm dealing with a setback, then the situation changes and I let down my guard and something else happens so I have to adjust again.
Trying to have another person in my life has so far been a problem - it just doesn't seem to work. There seems to be a problem with finding someone I'm attracted to and they're attracted back - we get this attraction, but then they put distance after I'm starting to get close. Is everyone over thirty an emotionally damaged wreck burned out on giving and loving? There are so many shellshocked men (and yes, women too) shuffling about and not wanting to pierce the dull ache and try to give and love again. Going slow in relationships, which is something I firmly believe is important now especially, is turning out to be a red herring. Instead of going slow, it seems to be a shorthand for "don't get attached because I don't think I can" which then morphs into "I can't do this" as soon as I reach a critical mass of wanting to get over my fears and start to trust.
After a while of being knocked off balance, regaining my footing and then trying again, I'm really fed up. Part of the 'better off alone" thing was a product of that frustration. I'm starting to believe it's better to withdraw from the race altogether, because all I'm getting is a whole lot of hurt. There's no point in getting frustrated with damaged people, because there's nothing they can do about it except live through it and heal. Trying to force someone who's not ready into an involvement is a recipe for more hurt all around. Starting a relationship is already fraught with minefields, I don't want to strap a suicide bomb to my chest and let someone push the button. I'm a sucker for punishment, but even I have to draw the line somewhere.
Yes, there may be someone who just needs a kind person to guide them along, but with my own trust issues, I'm not equipped to do that for someone if it means risking the hurt again. I'm really and truly reaching a breaking point as far as that goes. I'm worried I may have already reached the point where I've been hurt too much and it would take an otherworldy measure of selflessness and giving on the part of a caring man to repair the damage that would be necessary for me to attempt a relationship with someone.
Believe it or not, I'm resisting the urge to really beat up on myself here, and it's not easy. The universe seems to be conspiring to show me my place, and it's not in the nice seats, either.
Damn, I'm tired. Physically and mentally, I feel that I've fallen on my ass pretty hard and I'm having trouble getting around. Hopefully I don't end up too bruised or breaking anything irretrievably.
The problem isn't in dealing with the curves that life throws at me, it's dealing with the chaos that happens when things change in my orbit. When something bad happens, I need to deal with it and swallow that pain. What's been happening lately is I think I'm dealing with a setback, then the situation changes and I let down my guard and something else happens so I have to adjust again.
Trying to have another person in my life has so far been a problem - it just doesn't seem to work. There seems to be a problem with finding someone I'm attracted to and they're attracted back - we get this attraction, but then they put distance after I'm starting to get close. Is everyone over thirty an emotionally damaged wreck burned out on giving and loving? There are so many shellshocked men (and yes, women too) shuffling about and not wanting to pierce the dull ache and try to give and love again. Going slow in relationships, which is something I firmly believe is important now especially, is turning out to be a red herring. Instead of going slow, it seems to be a shorthand for "don't get attached because I don't think I can" which then morphs into "I can't do this" as soon as I reach a critical mass of wanting to get over my fears and start to trust.
After a while of being knocked off balance, regaining my footing and then trying again, I'm really fed up. Part of the 'better off alone" thing was a product of that frustration. I'm starting to believe it's better to withdraw from the race altogether, because all I'm getting is a whole lot of hurt. There's no point in getting frustrated with damaged people, because there's nothing they can do about it except live through it and heal. Trying to force someone who's not ready into an involvement is a recipe for more hurt all around. Starting a relationship is already fraught with minefields, I don't want to strap a suicide bomb to my chest and let someone push the button. I'm a sucker for punishment, but even I have to draw the line somewhere.
Yes, there may be someone who just needs a kind person to guide them along, but with my own trust issues, I'm not equipped to do that for someone if it means risking the hurt again. I'm really and truly reaching a breaking point as far as that goes. I'm worried I may have already reached the point where I've been hurt too much and it would take an otherworldy measure of selflessness and giving on the part of a caring man to repair the damage that would be necessary for me to attempt a relationship with someone.
Believe it or not, I'm resisting the urge to really beat up on myself here, and it's not easy. The universe seems to be conspiring to show me my place, and it's not in the nice seats, either.
Damn, I'm tired. Physically and mentally, I feel that I've fallen on my ass pretty hard and I'm having trouble getting around. Hopefully I don't end up too bruised or breaking anything irretrievably.