Meh.

[diziara]

Why do I bother sometimes? People do nothing but make me feel broken, shitty and stupid. I realistically know I'm no worse than anyone else on this rutting miserable hunk of rock, but because I'm aware of my short comings, my errors, and just haven't figured out how to compensate for them, I am made painfully aware frequently that I hurt, alienate

Comments

[diziara]

If it was just stupid people, worthless people, or people who were hanging too much of their needs and wants based upon what society dictates they should, instead of what they really feel, it'd be easy to not be hurt by other people. I've shut out all but a small group of people I value by this point, and it's helped a lot.

The trouble is, when the few people I value and care about are hurt and frustrated by my actions, when they are because of genuine reasons that I find valid, it hurts me to see them hurt. When I understand what I did wrong, when I understand why they're hurt, but I haven't figured out how to repair that flawed action, or habit I did to cause it, it hurts me.

I just feel like these things happen too frequently. There are things that I don't like about myself, but I haven't figured out how to fix, and they're hurting those I care about as well as myself. It frustrates me because everyone tells me that I am the only one who can change myself, that I should only change myself for my own improvement, my own enrichment, only because I want to. I want to change some of these things, and I feel like my best efforts to do so just isn't enough.

I appreciate the words of support, and I do agree with them, but there's more to this than just letting too many people in and putting too much value behind their opinions of me.