my revilation
Earlier today I had something major hit me like a rock. Not at all of what I have to say will be said because I know that if I say it all people will become very upset and feelings will be hurt. Now I know what I have to say might hurt people anyway but trust me this is the lighter load of everything. So yeah this past school year I became (or I led myself to believe) that I was a part of a group of friends of which I really enjoyed hanging out with and being a part of. Yet something always seemed to be missing. it is hard to describe but I see it as a problem, I can't hold many conversations with them because I am not for starters the same age as them. Being older than me they have had different courses in school some of which I have no clue about. Then there are others that I can go along with for a while sometimes of which I understand. Something made me realize though today, that I don't belong as a part of their group. They have a life that shouldn't include me, however much I don't want to realize or admit this. One of the members of this group was my friend years before I came to the group by way of another person. However after having a mental breakdown because of the person who introduced me to the group I mistook my old friend's friendly advice and well lol friendship to something more. In doing this I scared him off and made it so that he decided he had no choice but to push me away. I do not blame him for it, had I been in his shoes I would have done the same thing. Yet instead of coming back and trying to renew the friendship like I would have, he decides to shut me out...heh for all I know he's probably been able to forget about me completly by now. For our friendship wasn't like we saw each other all the time. Before this past year we saw one another maybe once or twice a year. We saw each other more when my parents transfered us into the Protastant congregational church in the center of our town. Many things about this have made me feel very confused. AHHH have to go I'll explain more of this later!