previous one cont.
Now to finish this since family decided "let's go out to dinner!" anyway... So yeah basically me and this person are kinda no longer friends because I admit it I scared him off, and I do regret it. Yet life's still going on and it ain't going back so I'm coping. So this group of friends I feel that I don't belong and shouldn't be there. I however have no clue how to handle this seeing as how I have become closer with some of this group in the recent past months and now turning away from it all would mean more pain. I guess that is why I am happy that I shall be going on vacation tomorrow sometime during the day to my second cousin's house on lake winnipesakee for a little more than a week. I can clear mt head and hopefully finally enjoy part of my summer. Yet I fear this won't happen since I wanted to go up with someone. For, every year my dad,mom,bro,sis, and I go up but there is always an empty bed next to me which I hoped many a time would be filled soon by someone. Do to my boyfriend (that my parents don't know about) being still in the hospital because of his kidney surgery I have no one (didn't want to chose between friends on who came and who stayed along with work scheduals). So another year which my parents say might be our last will be spent alone again in the room I inhabit for this amount of time. No one to share the experiences with or nothing. (It makes me very depressed.) I believe this is so mostly because the one main thing I search for in life is Love. Which I seriously regret however by now it's kind of programed into me. I hate being lonely and discluded. I seriously can't take these feelings that come along with this part of life yet for some reason it is the one that has consumed me. It all happened when I was young too (which stinks). Today I watched a two things on the television and both made me end up crying. One was a movie called Angel Eyes and the other was Disney's Anastasia. Now Angel Eyes I can understand that movie was suppose to be sad but the other I have seen before and yet today somehow it made me burst out into tears. I believe it is because I am consumed by love in a way I need to be loved yet I need to know that the other person loves me. (Not one of those secret love things those are awful.) I need someone, I need to clear my head, I...I...I can't explain it I need to be hugged I need to be kissed but at the same time I just want to be normal. I guess I'm also depressed because of my lack of motivation and faith in myself. I look at all these other teenagers (including television show ones) that are the oldest and go through high school are sport athlete champions, good students and awesome role models. Somehow I know I want to be that but I can never make myself be that. I have serious motivation problems. And somehow sitting here now thinking about it I think I also see a problem with the fact that I don't have enough faith in myself. I don't think I even trust myself. I...I...heh, I don't know what to say or how to describe it. I feel empty and lonely beyond compare. I just need a friend to be there for me I guess, give me a hug when I need it - but without me having to ask - sad thing is I know a person who would've done this. Made me feel at peace with myself and the world, help me get back on track. Yet they are gone because of me. This is my life now...undescribebaly empty. And so tomorrow I will go forth like any other day, with not compass or map in hand to follow the path I was ment to walk - my road, my life.