[EXO] i'm either gone in an instant (or here til' the bitter end) ii/ii
"You’re back," Jongin hears Sehun say as he steps out from behind the clearing, towel slung around his neck. His eyes widen in surprise and delight.
"What are you doing here?" Jongin asks.
"It’s become a… sort of habit to come here everyday, to check if you were coming back," Sehun shrugs as he says this, but Jongin notes the tinge of helplessness in his voice. Jongin swallows the saliva in his mouth.
"You don’t - you don’t have to wait for me to come back, you know?" he replies. Sehun looks up at him, eyes sad and a small downward tilt on his lips.
"I know. I just can’t really help but wait for you, you know?" And Jongin does know, because if it was Sehun who was the one Travelling around the universes, Jongin would wait for him too, would pine and crave for Sehun to come back every time he left.
"I’m sorry," Jongin settles on, and Sehun fabricates a smile for him, angles of his lips not quite right to portray genuine happiness. Jongin accepts it anyway, though that counts and everything.
When Sehun kisses him for the first time ever, Jongin can't help but remember how Baekhyun's lips had tasted (always bitter with alcohol and rough with rock and roll). Sehun's lips are the opposite. Sehun's lips are soft and they taste of spit, but they also seem to taste of home and steadiness. His teeth are not as harsh and punishing as Baekhyun, but they are similarly insistent and possessive. And while Jongin misses the intense roughness that Baekhyun seemed to have had in every kiss, light stumble burning against Jongin's skin, he still revels in the slide of smooth skin against skin that Sehun brings to him.
"What did you do that for?" Jongin asks when they pull apart, both of them breathing heavily. Sehun still has a hand on Jongin's waist, and he drops it like it's on fire when Jongin poses the question.
"I've been wanting to do that for a while," Sehun replies, matter of fact. His eyes are full of challenge and determination and Jongin feels it crawl against the veins in his body.
"Okay," Jongin settles on quietly. Sehun tentatively puts a hand on his upper arm, grip not tight but undeniably firm.
"Okay?" Sehun asks. Jongin uses his free hand to run through his hair, nervous laughter spilling from his mouth. "Jongin?"
It's so weird to hear someone call him that after so long, after he had started to believe that maybe he was really Kai, that he had left Jongin so far behind that he was just a speck on his past. It makes Jongin remember too, remember where he really belongs to, that even though he travelled far and wide, he will always be Jongin playing as Kai, and not the other way around.
"Jongin," he repeat after Sehun. Sehun looks at him weirdly but doesn't comment.
"Yes. Jongin," Sehun says after a while. Jongin smiles at him.
"Want to go get fried chicken?" Jongin asks. Sehun shrugs his approval. They walk towards the shop, hands bumping but never holding.
◆
Staying away for so long seems to sate something in Jongin, and he doesn't have the urge to Travel as strong as before. Sure, sometimes he looks at a body of water almost longingly, but he is content to stay here. His grades pick up slowly and he feels himself smiling and laughing more than he had before. Baekhyun remains with him as a shadow at the back of his mind, but the memories are good and not bad. It probably help that he had left without a word and while he feels a pinch of guilt for abandoning Baekhyun, they had both been aware that their relationship was temporal.
Things between him and Sehun seemed to have changed a little, crossed the line from best friend to something more yet still too less. Sehun touches him a little more, just small touches that don't mean anything to anyone else but makes Jongin feel like he is on fire. He glances at Sehun sometimes when the hand on his lower back lingers a little too long, but Sehun is always staring somewhere else, eyes unreadable. It is frustrating, and the frustration sits on his skin, sticky and uncomfortable.
"Do you like me or something?" Jongin blurts out one night when they are studying together, sitting at the only occupied table along the corridor and illuminated by a single fluorescent light bulb. Sehun looks up from his notes almost too calmly, placing the pen on in his hand back on the table. He holds Jongin's eyes with his own, and Jongin feels uneasy.
"Yes." The directness of the answer surprises Jongin, and he is pretty sure the surprise is written clear on his face. Sehun shrugs. "Wasn't I being pretty obvious?"
"I wasn't expecting you to admit it," Jongin huffs back. Sehun laughs.
"I can't believe you are the one feeling awkward when I am the one that has just confessed to you," Sehun replies cheekily, patting Jongin on the hand. Jongin scowls at him.
"Besides, I am afraid you are going to run out on me again, go on another adventure and leave me behind," Sehun says, voice quieter and more serious than it was a split second ago. Jongin looks up at Sehun, unable to form words.
"Come on," Jongin tries, but the words sound weak and desperate even to him, and he drops the hand that he was going to use to touch Sehun.
"At least - at least tell me when you are going away? And don't go too long. I'll miss you," Sehun says. Jongin isn't used to this Sehun, open and almost vulnerable in a way. So he nods his head and agrees to Sehun's terms even as he thinks he hears a small voice in his head tell him no no no.
"You know I miss you too," Jongin says. It is the truth, the undeniable truth, but it is also a big lie.
◆
They go on dates disguised as outing, the words date and romance never once surfacing in their actual planning. Sehun will mention a new fried chicken store that has opened down his street and Jongin will say that he is interested. Sehun will scoff, say “of course” and invite him over. They will meet for food and spend the rest of the evening somewhere more quiet, somewhere where even they will not question the way their fingers are interlocked or the way their legs are tangled together. They will never talk about their second third or fourth kiss, or the way Jongin had nibbled along Sehun's collarbones and left a queue of bruises. They will definitely never talk about the feeling of skin against skin or the way the other's moans sink deep into their skin and linger under the surface.
They don't because Sehun is still a little scared and wary of Jongin, of his flightiness and his ability, and Jongin knows he will disappoint Sehun one day, he just doesn't want to disappoint him too much.
◆
Chen stands out like a sore thumb in his bright neon clothes, and Jongin can't help but wince at the brightness. He watches as the other boy ignores the stares and looks everyone was giving him, straightened the collar of his shirt and weave past the crowd till he disappeared from sight. Jongin tries to follow him desperately, and manages to find him sitting on a bench alone, just staring into the crowd. Yet his eyes are filled with wonder and excitement, and Jongin feels something twitch in his chest.
"Your clothes are so terribly dull," Chen comments as Jongin takes a seat next to him. Jongin can't help the startled laughter that escapes his lips.
"I'm not the one standing out," Jongin counters back. Chen doesn't even laugh, just scoffs and rolls his eyes at him.
"Surprisingly, neon clothes are pretty rare. I'm used to getting stared at," Chen replies breezily, "besides, I look killer in these colours."
Jongin raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment further, just swings his legs and hums.
"Why aren't you out somewhere else? This is your original, yeah?" Chen asks after a while. Jongin shrugs, not really wanting to explain himself to a stranger.
Chen hops off the bench and wanders towards the tree next to them, pressing a hand against the dark brown bark. There is curiosity in his movements as he strokes it with his fingertips, eyes closed as he feels the texture of the trunk. Jongin just looks at him with both confusion and also a sense of kinship. He remembers feeling that way, remembers the way his heart had caught speed whenever he discovered something that amazed him solely because it was so different from what he was used to.
"The tree trunks here are rough," Chen states, "They are smooth back home. Baby smooth." He graces Jongin with a smile that is actually genuine and causes another twitch in Jongin's chest, the desire to go on an adventure, to discover, once again finding its way to him. "It was nice meeting you," Chen bids farewell as he walks away, waving at Jongin before his hand finds the bark of a tree to brush past again.
Jongin looks at his retreating figure and the itch beneath his skin flares up to a full-blown ache.
◆
So Jongin runs away to another universe again, takes the first bus that comes to the station and gets off when he spots a swimming pool. There are people around him, but he doesn't care. No one is going to remember him getting into the water in such a crowded place. He gets a locker and stores his things and clothes in it, hands trembling slightly with excitement and anticipation.
Right before he locks the locker behind him, he picks up his cellphone, sends Sehun a text, and turns off his cellphone.
I'll be right back.
◆
In this universe, Jongin is something to be treasured and taken care of, but also something to be hidden from public eye and kept behind locked doors. Lu Han and he had fallen together quickly, the chance encounter escalating into something so huge in just a matter of days, a week at the most. Lu Han has a public image to maintain, supporters to please, and while Jongin understands that, he can’t help but feel like a dirty little secret.
When Lu Han touches Jongin, it almost feels like he’s not, that it is just the ghost of fingers brushing exposed skin and nails tracing the paths of exposed veins. Lu Han never seems to look at Jongin, only seems to look through him, looking at an idea of Jongin that he wants that hovers behind the real Jongin.
They had met in a broken down elevator, the only two passengers in it. Jongin had gone wide-eyed and worried, jamming hard on his cellphone despite the lack of signal. Lu Han on the other hand, had been eerily calm and collected, sighing lightly when the alarm button didn't work. He presses it once, then twice, dropping his hand when he realises that it didn't work. Jongin bangs loudly at the door while Lu Han shrugs out of his jacket, lays it on the floor, and sits on it, knees hugged close to himself.
"It's not going to work. Just relax and wait," Lu Han had said, looking up at Jongin. Jongin had looked back at him not saying a word, before he lowered himself on the opposite end of the lift, back against the wall.
"How are you so calm?" Jongin asks after five minutes of silence. Lu Han lifts his head and smiles at him almost serenely.
"They will be looking for me. It'll be fine," he assures with confidence. Jongin wants to scoff at the arrogance Lu Han was emanating but something about the steadiness of his gaze and his voice makes Jongin believe in him. Jongin huffs a little and settles back on the floor.
It takes only another ten minutes for the lift to suddenly start again, buttons lighting up and the sound of the wires working again loud. Lu Han stands up quickly, picks up his jacket, folds it in half and drapes it across his forearm. Jongin stumbles as stands and Lu Han looks at him in quiet amusement.
When Lu Han walks out of the elevator, he is immediately flanked by concerned people in suits, all of them asking if he was okay. He waves them away and turns back to talk to Jongin.
"Can I bring you out for dinner?" Lu Han asks. One of the people near him touches his shoulder in concern, but Lu Han turns to look at him and he shuffles back. When Lu Han turns to face him again, his face has gone from serious to a bright, winning but obviously fabricated smile. It makes Jongin both nervous and intrigued.
Jongin had gave Lu Han the number of the cellphone that he had gotten for this universe and Lu Han had pressed his number into his phone before getting whisked away by the men in the suits.
It is only when he is laying in bed that night that Jongin realises he never got Lu Han's name.
◆
Jongin gets a text with an address, a date and a time two days later, signed off with a single L. He doesn't know why he goes to the venue but he does, dressed nicely in a shirt and pants he had gotten from the closet at the Travel Hostel. The shoes on his feet are a pinch too tight, but they weren't completely intolerable.
The dinner is both awkward and easy. Lu Han asks him question after question and Jongin has to make things up in his head to keep up fast enough. The food is delicious and the beef seems to melt on his tongue. The wine is smooth on his tongue but sharp down his throat, a little prickle that burns for an instant before sliding down to his belly. Lu Han eats in a way that is nice to look at, each cut of the meat delicate but precise, each sip of his wine careful, tongue peeking out to lap at the dark liquid.
"Why did you ask me out for dinner?" Jongin finally gets to get a word in. Lu Han settles his utensils neatly on the table, wipes his mouth with the tip of his cloth, and looks up at Jongin. He smiles, and it is both eerie and warm.
"I just wanted to," Lu Han starts off with, he stops for a second to consider his words, "You didn't know who I was and that was intriguing."
Who he was?
Oh.
Jongin remembers the men in suits and the way Lu Han had been sure that someone was going to find him. He remembers the expensive fabric of Lu Han's shirt and the shine on his shoes. But Jongin really had no idea who he was.
"I just - I just came from the countryside," Jongin lies quickly, tripping over his words in a haste to persuade Lu Han. Lu Han laughs - the first time Jongin sees him show an expression that isn't mild amusement or total disregard - and the sound is unexpectedly warm to the touch.
"I'm going to accept this, and everything else you have told me. Not because I believe anything you have said, but because one day," Lu Han pauses for effect, "One day, you will tell me the truth."
Jongin makes a sound between a laugh and a groan, and Lu Han picks up the cup of wine to toast to him.
◆
The first time they kiss (or really, make out), is the very next day. Lu Han invites Jongin for dinner again, but this time at a hotel room. He hands Jongin a card and asks that he waits for him there as he goes to settle some important business. Jongin had shrug and went ahead, out of curiosity more than anything else.
The room is huge, bigger than his room back at home, and he sits gingerly on the edge of the soft bed. He fidgets with his fingers, thinks about how bad an idea this probably was, before he hears a soft beep and the door opening. Lu Han steps through, dressed again in another impeccable suit. He removes his jacket and tosses it aside. Jongin watches as Lu Han unbuttons the first two buttons of his shirt and exposes collarbones and smooth skin. Jongin wants to touch that little window of skin.
"Room service should come in about fifteen minutes," Lu Han informs as he walks the length of the room to the window, drawing the curtains shut. The lights in the room are a low orange and they make Lu Han look more fragile than he already is (except he is the furthest thing from delicate, not with his sharp glares and steely words).
Lu Han ends up sitting next to Jongin on the bed, too close, much too close. Jongin wants to shift away but it would rude to do so. Instead, he stays still and breathes far too loudly. He is too concentrated on his thought and doesn't realise when Lu Han angles his body so it is facing him. He turns his head a little and he is looking right into Lu Han's eyes.
"Can I kiss you?" Lu Han asks. Jongin's eyes widen in surprise. He should say no, he doesn't know who Lu Han is and he feels like he is caught in a spiderweb and allowing himself to get caught up further. But he says yes with a shaky nod to his head.
Lu Han kisses him with a hand tight on the back his neck, possessive and unyielding. Lu Han is someone that knows what he wants and gets it easily, and it is evident in the way he kisses Jongin, stubborn with what he wants to do with his tongue and teeth, and guiding the angle of Jongin's head to reach what he deems as good.
They part when there is rap on the door. Lu Han pulls away easily, even though his hand remains on the back on Jongin's neck. He smiles at Jongin, still so painfully poised even as Jongin inhales to catch his breath.
As Lu Han goes to collect the food, Jongin's head reels from what had just happened. There was something about Lu Han's quiet strength and insistence that made his heart thunder in his chest and his blood feel like it was on fire.
"Why don't you stay for the night? I am sure this place is nicer than wherever you are staying at," Lu Han offers when they finish their dinner. Jongin looks up from his plate and considers Lu Han's proposal. The bed did look awfully comfortable but Lu Han was still a stranger after all.
"Just sleeping, Kai. I have a busy day tomorrow anyway," Lu Han reassures. Jongin shrugs, trying to prove he wasn't worried about that, and crawls under the sheets quietly.
When he wakes up the next morning, Lu Han is gone and the side of his bed is made up, pillows fluffed and stacked, bed sheet smoothed out. Jongin reaches out a hand to touch the cool, empty side.
◆
The first time Jongin comes closer to telling Lu Han - to anyone he has met in his travels - about his origins is also the first time they fuck, rough and dirty and messy. Jongin knows their attraction is physical, evident from the first kiss or the way Lu Han always looks at him but not at him. Jongin thinks he likes Lu Han a little too much for someone he has barely just met, doesn't understand the way his heart catches speed or the way his stomach seems to cramp with discomfort when Lu Han looks at him just a little too long.
Honestly, he doesn't know what Lu Han wants. Does Lu Han want a quick fuck or a friendship with benefits? Nothing is even clear when it comes to him, everything is hidden behind calculated words and controlled emotions.
Lu Han is also very demanding and in control in bed, and it makes Jongin want to yield to him, especially when Lu Han murmurs filthy things into his ears even as he jerks him off with his hand. The angle is awkward, especially when Lu Han's mouth is insistent against his ear and his chest is pressed against Jongin's own, but the concoction of Lu Han's words, hands and gaze manages to tip Jongin to climax.
They don't cuddle after sex, just lie next to each other on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Lu Han has a look of empty bliss on his face, even as his chest rises and falls as he regulates his breathing back to normal.
"You know," Jongin starts and Lu Han's eyes dart towards him. Lu Han shifts so he is looking down on Jongin, his head blocking the light so he is the only thing Jongin sees.
"Hmm?" he asks, intrigued, as if he could sense that Jongin was about to say something meaningful, something about the truth that he had promised that he would drag out of Jongin one day.
But Jongin falters. He sees the way Lu Han's face screams victory and he can't bring himself to say the truth anymore.
"Nothing," he finishes lamely. Lu Han rolls his eyes at him and settles back to his side of the bed. He crosses his arms, as if to prevent himself from touching Jongin.
"One day, Kai, one day."
◆
The first time Jongin wants to run away, from anything even, is when he realises he might be falling for Lu Han, but Lu Han isn't falling back in love with him. He know Lu Han isn't, because Lu Han treats him like a fragile china doll in public and fucks him like he's nothing in bed. And Jongin likes that, likes the duality of their relationship and the way Lu Han gifts him with some genuine expressions and words sometimes. But he knows all in all, he is just a challenge to Lu Han, and once Lu Han has managed to drag out Jongin's truth, Lu Han will drop him like yesterday's news.
And Jongin is close to wanting to spill everything to Lu Han, anything to keep him, to be more honest with him.
He knows this is insane, how fast and hard he is falling, but everything Lu Han gives him is so new and exciting, and Jongin wants to experience it all. He wants Lu Han to be attracted to him too, wants Lu Han to be attracted to him as who he is, alternate universes and all.
When Lu Han calls him cowboy as a joke, a nickname he had said (since you're from the country), Jongin hates it with every fibre of his being. And he thinks Lu Han knows it too, because Lu Han says it with a little flair at the end that makes it go from endearing to slightly mocking.
So Jongin knows he has to go, has to go before he falls deeper and gets trapped here with someone who probably doesn't even like him back. But yet he still wants Lu Han to win somehow, doesn't want to make Lu Han feel bad.
It is becoming a pattern, Jongin leaving in the night, and this is no difference. He makes sure Lu Han is asleep before he crawls out of bed, scribbles down a short note that tells Lu Han he was right and Jongin wasn't who he was, but doesn't actually tell him anything.
The water is frigid and cold and Jongin knows he deserves it.
◆
"I can't fucking believe you," Sehun greets right after Jongin steps out of the changing room. Jongin is startled to see Sehun here, and his words sting with venom.
"Sehun -," Jongin tries to start, to explain, but Sehun glares at him hard enough to make him shut up. He closes his mouth and takes a few steps forward.
"Don't come near me," Sehun warns, voice angry. Jongin stops, lifts his hands up in surrender, hoping to lighten the situation. However, it seems to make Sehun even angrier, and Sehun stalks towards him until he is close, but not too close. "You promised you wouldn't leave without telling me."
Jongin sighs and that makes Sehun's face tighter, features more annoyed and the frown between his eyes more pronounced.
"I told you. Didn't you get my text?" he replies lamely. Sehun scoffs in response, in sheer disbelief.
"Really, Jongin?" Sehun replies.
"I had to leave," Jongin says softly. Sehun doesn't respond, just crosses his arms tight in front of him, as if he had to prevent himself from physically punching Jongin in the face. The frown on his face darkens, and it looks like someone had used a knife to carve in between his eyebrows. Jongin wanted to reach out to smooth out the skin there.
"Why did you have to leave? Do we not mean anything to you? I thought we were starting to mean something," Sehun spits out. Jongin tries to get a word in, wants to tell Sehun that it is not that they mean nothing, that he means nothing. It is just that Jongin has an itch that needs constant scratching and it's not something that stability and possible permanence can solve. But Sehun doesn't let Jongin speak, instead he keeps taunting Jongin with sharp questions and painful words, all the anger in him weaved into every word that he spoke.
"Isn’t it enough that I always come back to you?" Jongin finally snaps. Sehun’s eyes widen, before he laughs, sound ugly and grinding against Jongin’s bones.
"So I should be happy that you always return to me? Happy that you go around everywhere, meet different people, fuck different people, fall in love with different people but it is all fucking okay because you come back anyway?"
"No - fuck. Sehun you know I don’t mean it, I didn’t mean to say that,” Jongin pauses, running an agitated hand through his hair, “I don’t know what to do."
Sehun takes a step towards Jongin, and suddenly he’s in front of Jongin, all up in his face and invading his personal space. Jongin can feel Sehun’s breath against his own cheek and see the individual strands of Sehun’s eyelashes.
"You," Sehun jabs him against the chest with a finger, "need to make a choice. I don’t - I can’t wait around for someone who treats me like some sort of failsafe."
"You know I don’t see -," Jongin tries to argue because he doesn’t see Sehun as that. Jongin needs both of them in his life, adventures and Sehun, but they were too opposing to coexist. He knows he is being selfish when he comes back every time and promises Sehun affection and the possibility of more, before he runs away to yet another universe, but Jongin doesn’t quite want to let go of either of these things.
"I know. But you make me feel like that," Sehun says resolutely, before he turns to walk away. Jongin raises a hand, wanting to call Sehun back, but instead drops his arm so it is limp next to him.
◆
He should feel bad about this, should feel bad that after fighting with Sehun he is already sitting next to the pool where it had all started, legs dangling in the cool water. He reaches down to thread his fingers through the water, feeling a sense of peace he hasn't for a while. It is an indoor pool, and the lapping of the water echoes through the closed building.
Jongin sheds his clothes quickly, folding them neatly and placing them on the edge of the pool. The water is cool against his heated skin and he closes his eyes to revel in the coolness. He swims a little, arms and legs moving in synchronization. Taking a deep breath, he dunks his head in and concentrates and dreams of a universe where he can find something that he wants.
◆
This new universe is unusually bright, skies almost blinding when Jongin tries to look up at them. Everyone around him has shades on, or at least has hands shielding themselves from the inescapable brightness. Jongin uses his hand as a visor and squints into the crowd, hoping to find somewhere he can go to get relief from the light. He spots a cafe, one with curtains covering the windows, and makes his way there. The bells jingle as he opens the door, and the inside of the cafe is noticeably darker and infinitely more bearable.
Jongin looks around for a vacant table but finds none. Every table in the place looks taken, and the sound of conversations is loud in the enclosed area. He does spot an empty chair though, and he makes his way towards it.
"Hey, is this seat taken?" he asks the person sitting at the table. Said person is looking down at his phone and his hair is a multitude of colours.
The person looks up at Jongin and - oh.
It's Sehun.
Except Jongin knows it is not Sehun, just someone that looks like him, an alternate universe version of Sehun that is completely different from his Sehun, but he can't help but feel a tinge of something in his chest.
Sehun shakes his head and gestures at the seat, nudging for Jongin to sit down. Jongin does so, almost tripping on the leg of the chair in his hurry to do so. He sees Sehun try to hide his laughter with little success.
"You must be new around here. Just moved into the vicinity?" Sehun asks, more out of politeness than anything.
"You could say that," Jongin replies, stumbling through his words and hiding them behind a sharp laughter. Sehun raises his eyebrow but doesn't comment.
"Welcome to the neighbourhood then. My name's Sehun," Sehun greets, reaching out a hand to shake Jongin's own.
Jongin grabs Sehun's hand and the mixture of familiarity and unfamiliarity is both startling and so very exciting.
"Hi. I'm Jongin."
a/n:
-Fic was written while listening to LCD Soundsystem's discography - (Yeah, you wanted it lush / But honestly, you must hush)
-Thank you to emo_what97 for betaing this fic for me so last minute. Thank you for the late night skype call at 2am while I scream and whine and worry and get distracted by tumblr while you scream at me to get my head in the game. This fic would not have been possible without you, as usual, you're my shining star.
-Thank you to specialises for reading through this for me and telling me it was fine. Your assurance meant a lot to me. Thank you for humouring my screaming and crying and texting and major freaking out