[SHINee] i'm two quarters and a heart down
i'm two quarters and a heart down | SHINee | minho/jonghyun; jonghyun/sekyung | pg-13 | 4000~
There are three types of heartbreak; Minho goes through all three and realize the third type might just be the worst
written for kpop_olmyfics; team canon; prompt: kwill's don't go
i'm two quarters and a heart down
Minho is the first one that finds out.
It's not because he is the closest to Jonghyun or because he is trustable; Minho finds out first purely because he wakes up in the middle of a night from a nightmare and hears Jonghyun on the phone, voice unnaturally quiet and hushed. It is a stark contrast from how he usually he is in the daylight, brash voice and laughter that is prominent and steady.
"You should go to sleep," Jonghyun says after a lull of silence and it almost feels like he is speaking to Minho, until a muffled voice replies from the other end of the phone, barely audible.
"I know, Sekyung. We're meeting soon though right? Besides, don't you have a photoshoot tomorrow?"
Sekyung. Photoshoot.
Shin Sekyung.
Something weird happens in the cavity of Minho's chest; a thud, something falling apart, something. He inhales deeply and holds his breath. There is the rustle of sheets as Jonghyun stops talking and Minho can almost feel the former gazing at him. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter, instinctively tugging the blanket higher up his neck.
"Yeah, okay. Listen, I should go, I think Minho is waking up, he's always been a light sleeper," Jonghyun laughs at whatever Sekyung replies with, and then Minho hears the line go dead, the lack of static in the air.
"Minho?" Jonghyun calls out. Minho exhales and kicks against the blanket, trying to pretend he was still asleep. The silence in the room hangs like a dead weight, choking.
"Guess you're asleep," Jonghyun calls out again.
Minho doesn't fall asleep until he hears the familiar steady breathing of an asleep Jonghyun.
✖
The preparation for their repackaged album is at its last leg, and everyone is just a little crankier than usual. Kibum puts a little more milk in his coffee than usual, frowns at his cup, pours the brown liquid down the drain and makes a new pot; Jinki munches on his cereal loudly and Taemin is still in bed. Jonghyun looks up for the third time in a minute to look at Minho.
"Something up?" Minho asks. It's six in the morning and a long day is stretched out in front of them, he didn't need Jonghyun being all jumpy around him from the start of the day.
"How was - how was your sleep last night?" Jonghyun finally does asks, voice tentative. Minho crooks an eyebrow at him, even if his heart is hammering in his chest.
"Okay, could have used more," Minho replies.
"No, I mean - never mind," Jonghyun returns to his cereal, spooning more of it into his mouth, eyes decisively trained on the circled grain bits.
"I know," Minho says instead. Jonghyun chokes on his food.
"You mean -" Minho nods before Jonghyun finishes his sentence.
"Could you guys stop talking so cryptically in the morning?" Kibum snaps at them. Jonghyun laughs as he coughs and Minho just pats Kibum on the back.
✖
"I need to talk to you," Jonghyun says when they are back in their shared rooms, packing their bags for the day ahead. Minho ignores him and instead folds his towel into a neat little square. That weird feeling is in his chest again, like his heart is being squeezed in between someone's palm. He exhales harshly and reaches for his wallet.
"I won't tell anyone, hyung," Minho replies instead, hands still stuffing his things into his bag. He hears Jonghyun sigh aloud and a weird tremble goes down the length of his spine.
"I know -"
"You should tell the others though. They deserve to know, because if something happens, you won't be the only one affected," Minho cuts in, and even he is surprised by the bluntness of his words. Jonghyun opens his mouth, as if to start to defend himself, but he closes it back.
"I know," Jonghyun replies sharply.
"Then do something about it."
"You don't -" he stops and Minho fights the urge to turn around. "You don't - fine, I will tell them okay. I promise."
The rest of the day is fraught with tension, at least on Minho's part. He thinks it is a two-way thing, but Jonghyun seems oddly at ease for someone who is hiding a secret, and instead it is Minho who is jumpy, flinching when Jinki's hand presses against the small of his back and not laughing when Taemin says something wrong as he spaces out during break.
"You okay?" Jonghyun asks him during one of their short breaks, and Minho doesn't believe Jonghyun still has the gall to ask him something like that.
"Are you fucking serious?" Minho spits back. He tells himself he doesn't feel slightly bad for the way Jonghyun's shoulder jerks backwards from shock. "I am probably more worried than you, and you're the one in a relationship."
"You have always been a bit of a worrywart," Jonghyun says, and even though the words are teasing, the tone of his voice or anything but. Instead, his voice shakes with the exertion of trying to sound light and Minho can't help but feel bad, as if he had kicked a puppy.
"Hyung," Minho starts, but falters when he realises that he has nothing to say. Or more specifically, he had no idea what to say. Jonghyun looks at him expectantly, eyes wide. His face starts to drop when Minho continues to remain silent, and Minho desperately wants to reach out with his hand and hold his features in place; slide up the side of his lips and the corner of his eyes. Instead, he allows the silence to steam and simmer, allows to boil over the edge of a metaphorical pot until Jonghyun just signs aloud.
"It's okay," Jonghyun manages to say, even though the tone of his voice screams the opposite. Before Minho can say anything, the break is over. Jonghyun takes another huge gulp of water and returns to the center of the room. Minho takes a few deep breaths.
✖
(The first time Minho truly understands heartbreak is in high school.
She wasn't someone unusually outstanding or prominent, in fact, she had seemed a little plain and average, straight brown hair that grazed her shoulder blades and a small heart-shaped face. He had asked her out underneath the huge tree that grew in school and she had nodded.
Her lack of enthusiasm should have been his first clue, first warning, but he had been too infatuated and possibly too in love (at least, in love the way teenagers are; too fast and too hard, intense and overpowering but never actually sustained) to notice. Looking back, the relationship had been driven solely by her, her every whim and fancy driving Minho deeper and deeper.
When she had called it quits, a casual I don't think I want this anymore amidst a mundane conversation about schoolwork, it felt like his whole world had turned into sand and was slipping through his fingers, grains caught by the wind and scattered so wide and far that he couldn't even begin to assemble it back whole.
He had asked why, asked what he had done wrong and what he could do to make up for it.
She had laughed, a sound of mirth with the darkest undertones.
"I never really liked you anyway.")
✖
Their comeback comes and goes, and Jonghyun still does not tell the others about Sekyung. They go out for dinner to celebrate a successful performance, and Minho doesn't miss the fact that Jonghyun drinks more than he usually does, soju flushing his face and making his voice more boisterous than it already is. Kibum chides him for it, even though he himself is more tipsy than sober, laughing at anything even vaguely funny and thumping everyone on the back.
Minho confronts Jonghyun about it the next morning, when Jonghyun is awake early because of a dull headache and Minho is still a light sleeper. He hands Jonghyun a cup of water and sits next to him quietly as the latter sips from it.
"You haven't told them," Minho says softly.
"Do you really have to do this when I'm hungover?" Jonghyun groans, placing the cup back on the bedside table loudly. The air in the room is tense enough to cut with a knife. Minho wishes it could be that easy to get rid of the tension.
"You know the paparazzis are nuts when we are active, shouldn't you tell them before you eventually get caught?"
"What makes you think I'll get caught?"
Minho sighs, exasperated. "You know what I mean. Just - just tell them okay?"
Jonghyun's uneasy shrug tells Minho to brace himself for the inescapable fallout.
✖
The fallout is worse than what Minho expected.
The first sign is when Kibum doesn't blow up at Jonghyun, doesn't scream and shout or even hurl the sofa cushions at him. Instead, he shakes his head lightly, the rest of him quivering like a willow caught in a breeze, and returns to his room silently, door closing with a loud bang. Jonghyun stares at the closed door, expression empty.
The second sign is when Jinki does blow up, voice louder than they had ever heard and face tinted with the red. Even Minho winces when Jinki calls Jonghyun irresponsible and childish, because the words are laced with so much venom and legitimacy. Jonghyun opens his mouth, wanting to defend himself but Jinki glares at him and he doesn't say anything.
"Hyung, you fucked up," Taemin says simply, before getting off the couch and back into his room. Minho stands silently at a corner of the living room and watches Jonghyun struggle with his emotions, but failing to reach any form of conclusion.
"It's not my fault," he hears Jonghyun say quietly to no one in particular, and that makes Minho inhale sharply.
"It's all your fucking fault," Minho replies just as quietly. Jonghyun's head snaps towards him.
"You don't know what I am going through." There is a current of anger in Jonghyun's words, masked thoroughly by his guilt, but still largely evident.
"Why don't you tell me then?" Minho prodes, arms crossed. He doesn't know why he is giving Jonghyun a chance to speak, but he feels like he should, like something in him wanted to give Jonghyun a chance to redeem himself.
"I feel like shit," Jonghyun admits, laughing at his admission. He paces the short length of their living room, a hand combing through his hair in frustration. "Not about the relationship, but about not telling them."
"You're an asshole," Minho agrees, and that elicits more laughter from Jonghyun, but one that is slightly more genuine, under all the negativity.
"I just want to make this right again," Jonghyun says and Minho knows he can believe in that, because he knows Jonghyun wants this, loves and basks in the attention that stardom gives. He doesn't quite understand why a part of him doesn't.
✖
"Alone?" Minho looks up from his drink to see a woman on the seat next to him. There is a cup in her hand, the amber of whiskey twinkling from under the orange light of the bar. He nods at her before taking another sip of his beer.
"You look familiar," she says, and Minho tugs the hat lower, so that the brim of it shadows his eyes.
"I get that a lot."
The woman laughs at that, her voice clear and ringing in the mostly empty bar. It's so different from what he hears at the dorm; Jonghyun's boisterous laughter or Kibum's obnoxious guffawing and he can't remember the last time he heard that much laughter in the dorm.
"You look like you have something on your mind," she continues and Minho places his glass back on the table.
"Can I get you a drink?" The woman crooks an eyebrow at him and swirls the liquid of the drink in her hand. Minho laughs. "After you're done with that."
Minho takes a second to really look at the woman. Her hair is loose around her face and she has a prominent beauty mark that sits at the bottom edge of her bottom lip. The aching loneliness in him tenses around his heart once more.
"Sure, why not?"
✖
Minho has never quite remember that there was a stark difference between loneliness and being alone.
✖
The first time Sekyung goes over to their dorms, the atmosphere is decidedly tense. Kibum looks at her from the corner of his eyes and sighs dramatically, before flopping onto the couch, legs thrown above Taemin's. Jinki is a bundle of awkward laughter and even more awkward gestures, dropping the tray of empty plastic cups before dissolving into stuttered apologies. Taemin ignores everything and trains his eyes on his game console, the already familiar cry of his Gengar loud in the room.
Sekyung looks scared, afraid, and even Jonghyun's reassuring hand on her elbow doesn't seem to stop her from chewing at her bottom lip. She introduces herself to them, voice soft and flighty, and only gets mere grunts in response. Minho sees Jonghyun glaring at them when she isn't looking, but Kibum just shrugs his shoulders and the others look away.
"I'm Minho," Minho finally says to break the tension. From the corner of his eye, he sees Jonghyun's shoulders slump in relief and his chest tightens for a split second. Sekyung looks genuinely surprised but a smile breaks out across her face.
The rest of the evening is still uncomfortable, but not awfully so. They sit around the living room and watch a movie, munching on the caramelized popcorn that Sekyung had brought over. There is a hint of small conversation, the possibility of friendship in the air, and even Taemin looks up from his console more than once, the cheerful background music of Oreburgh City playing as he graces them with a small smile.
"Thank you," Jonghyun tells Minho as he steps into their room after sending Sekyung home. Minho shifts from his position on his bed so that he is facing Jonghyun.
"Did it for her, not for you. You were the one that decided to let the others find out through the news." Minho regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but they are already in the air, condensing into truth and he can't take them back.
"Minho-"
"I didn't - you know what I mean," Minho says, trying to remedy the situation. He doesn't understand why he is so angry either, why he cared so much about this, but the ugly feeling remains in the pit of his stomach, gnawing at his insides.
"Why are you still so angry? Even Kibum has forgiven me in his own way, why can't you?" Jonghyun asks.
(Jinki is the first one that forgives Jonghyun. Minho sees them walking out of his and Jonghyun's room with their arms slung around each other. There is a look of relief stark on Jonghyun's face and Jinki's smile is a familiar one, eyes crinkled.
Taemin forgives him next, evident in the fact that he allows Jonghyun to borrow his DS.
Kibum's forgiveness had not been easy to spot, not when he was still a tinge too cold and snarky, but he stops snapping at Jonghyun at every given opportunity and even allows Jonghyun to sit next to him.)
Minho doesn't know how to reply to Jonghyun's question. So he doesn't. Instead, he turns so his back faces Jonghyun, and squeezes his eyes shut. He hears Jonghyun sigh loudly before the room goes dark.
✖
Sekyung turns out to be a very easy person to get along with, endearing and friendly. She laughs at Jinki's attempts at jokes and plays along with Taemin's tiny temper tantrums. She is surprisingly daring and outgoing, adventurous with just the right hint of restrain. There is competitiveness in her veins, evident in way her hands grip the game controller with renewed vigour after a defeated match.
Minho finds in her a possible friend, someone he can laugh and talk with, someone who he can sit with over a cup of coffee and a couple of hours. That makes the ugly feeling he feels in the pit of his stomach when he looks at them churn like a form of betrayal, a physical manifestation of jealousy that has mutated into something worse.
"I never got to say thank you," she tells him one day, when they are in the kitchen preparing drinks for the rest of them. He crooks an eyebrow in her direction as question, and continues to scoop ice cubes into the six laid out cups.
"You were the first one to introduce yourself - I bet you don't know what I am talking about," she says, flustered.
"I am glad I did," he replies instead. Surprisingly, the smile on her face doesn't cause that ugly feeling to arise.
✖
He accidentally sees them kissing once. Or more specifically, he sees their silhouettes kiss, shadowed by the window. It is not anything particularly scandalous or heated, just mouth against mouth. Jonghyun's hands cup her delicate face and her hand is pressed against the curve of his neck. It actually seems to reek of romance and maybe even love.
They don't notice Minho even when they part (though that made sense, since Minho was looking at them through a crack of a poorly closed door), and instead spend almost a minute with their foreheads pressed against each other, soft breathing echoing in the empty room.
Later on, the soju is bitter on Minho's tongue but not as bitter as the jealousy that sits at the pit of his stomach.
✖
Jonghyun and Sekyung are the poster children for the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Jonghyun doesn't obsessively call Sekyung when they are in Japan, instead opting to only call her when they have a long stretch of time available. He takes measures not to disturb the other members, escaping out into the corridors to talk to her, voice barely above a whisper. Even Kibum, who claims to not believe in long-distance relationships admits that they are doing very well. Jonghyun looks smug when Kibum tells him that, and Kibum scowls at him.
"Your ego is inflated so easily," he chides good-naturedly. The smugness on Jonghyun's face fades away, replaced by something that resembles relief.
"To be honest, I was kind of worried. I'm - I'm glad it is working out." Minho has never seen Jonghyun this bashful before, and if you squint you could probably catch the start of pink of the edge of his cheekbones. There is a vulnerability to him as he utters these words that Minho has never experienced before.
✖
(The second time Minho truly understands heartbreak was when he was the one doing the breaking.
She was another trainee who entered a few months after him. She had a face that turned heads, and legs that went on forever but she was painfully shy, and Minho sees her sitting by herself during breaks, sipping sporadically at a bottle of water as her head bobbed along to whatever she was listening to on her music player.
Their first encounter had been painfully cliche, knocking into each other as they rushed towards opposite directions. Minho had picked up her music player and passed it back to her with a smile on his face. He should have noticed the startled and intrigued look on her face.
She started to approach him directly, talking to him with a soft voice and cautious words. He talks back because she is so nice to him, and he feels like he was obliged to return this affection somehow.
When she had confessed to him a few months later, he told her gently that it could never work. She asked him why. He doesn't give an answer and instead rushed away to his next practice.
She dropped out a few days later, and Minho's last memory of her was trying to catch her eye but having her smile weakly at him before averting her gaze away.)
✖
"You're not as subtle as you think." Minho turns to meet Kibum's eyes, mere inches from his own. He flinches backwards.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Minho replies, a tad too fast for it to be truthful. Kibum rolls his eyes in exasperation. His arms are crossed and Minho knows he means business.
"Anyone can see the way you stare at them with that odd of heartbreak and jealousy. Minho, I know Sekyung -"
"What?"
"Sekyung. You like her, don't you?" Kibum finally lays out. Minho can feel himself falter, expression on his face attempting to school themselves back to something neutral. "You need to do something about that," Kibum continues, "You're becoming increasingly hostile towards Jonghyun."
Kibum's words send Minho into a state of confusion. Did he have a crush on Sekyung? Had his good feelings for her crossed the line from platonic to something more? He doesn't feel jealous when they hang out together, doesn't feel a pang of want when they talk, not even when her smooth hand is warm against the skin of his wrist. It is only when he sees them together that the feeling turns up, only when Jonghyun's arm is tight around her waist or when her mouth is pressed into the crook of his neck.
Maybe he was jealous of their relationship - of any relationship. Maybe what made him angry was the fact that they had something special and Minho has always been a person who surrounds himself with people to chase away that inherent loneliness in his heart.
He decides that that was what it was; the other explanation was just not possible.
✖
"Do you like Sekyung?" Jonghyun asks him out of the blue one day, when Minho is driving them to a fast food joint for an illegal indulgence. Minho snaps his head to face Jonghyun and give him a look before returning his attention back to the traffic.
Minho doesn't grace Jonghyun with an answer, but Jonghyun's question does set his mind reeling a little. He knows his feelings and emotions towards Jonghyun and Sekyung's relationships are a little weird, a little unorthodox. Sure, it would make sense if it was still a hidden relationship or if their relationship was rocky, but they seem happy together, and Sekyung is almost like a part of their group already. Besides, Minho did like Sekyung, and even consider them friends. Yet he couldn't quite understand why he always feels this flare of jealousy when he sees them together, a small spark that makes it hard to swallow and his chest clench. In fact, he sometimes felt that way just looking at Jonghyun alone.
And then Minho realizes.
It was never about Sekyung.
✖
Minho never tells Jonghyun, but sometimes late at night he wakes up in the middle of Jonghyun speaking to Sekyung on the phone. They never seem to talk about anything interesting; asking about each other's days and mundane conversations about nothing in particular. In fact, they seem like every other boring couple, even though individually they were such dynamic and known people.
Yet there are moments where the conversations head to another direction, where the words turn flirty or spark with concern, and these are the moments where Minho's bed seems too big for just him, even though it was just a single size mattress. His hand curls uselessly around the excess bedsheet and loneliness overtakes him faster than sleep can.
✖
(The third time Minho truly understands heartbreak is when he sees Jonghyun smile at Sekyung, smile in a way that Minho has never seen him smile before. He's not sure if it is because it is wider, or because there is more teeth flashing, but something about it clenches his heart tight and makes it hard to breathe.
It is a tricky thing, affection and love. While there is a part of him that is happy that Jonghyun seems happy, settled, that Jonghyun has his hand laced tight with someone who was compatible with him, there is still a part of him, a part that he has squashed and hidden deep in himself that aches and throbs and wishes that he was the reason for Jonghyun's happiness.
Nothing hurts more than seeing the person you love be happy with someone else.)
- as always, this couldn't have been possible without the guidance of emo_what97
- i aware there's a lot more i could have done with this fic, i apologize
There are three types of heartbreak; Minho goes through all three and realize the third type might just be the worst
written for kpop_olmyfics; team canon; prompt: kwill's don't go
i'm two quarters and a heart down
Minho is the first one that finds out.
It's not because he is the closest to Jonghyun or because he is trustable; Minho finds out first purely because he wakes up in the middle of a night from a nightmare and hears Jonghyun on the phone, voice unnaturally quiet and hushed. It is a stark contrast from how he usually he is in the daylight, brash voice and laughter that is prominent and steady.
"You should go to sleep," Jonghyun says after a lull of silence and it almost feels like he is speaking to Minho, until a muffled voice replies from the other end of the phone, barely audible.
"I know, Sekyung. We're meeting soon though right? Besides, don't you have a photoshoot tomorrow?"
Sekyung. Photoshoot.
Shin Sekyung.
Something weird happens in the cavity of Minho's chest; a thud, something falling apart, something. He inhales deeply and holds his breath. There is the rustle of sheets as Jonghyun stops talking and Minho can almost feel the former gazing at him. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter, instinctively tugging the blanket higher up his neck.
"Yeah, okay. Listen, I should go, I think Minho is waking up, he's always been a light sleeper," Jonghyun laughs at whatever Sekyung replies with, and then Minho hears the line go dead, the lack of static in the air.
"Minho?" Jonghyun calls out. Minho exhales and kicks against the blanket, trying to pretend he was still asleep. The silence in the room hangs like a dead weight, choking.
"Guess you're asleep," Jonghyun calls out again.
Minho doesn't fall asleep until he hears the familiar steady breathing of an asleep Jonghyun.
✖
The preparation for their repackaged album is at its last leg, and everyone is just a little crankier than usual. Kibum puts a little more milk in his coffee than usual, frowns at his cup, pours the brown liquid down the drain and makes a new pot; Jinki munches on his cereal loudly and Taemin is still in bed. Jonghyun looks up for the third time in a minute to look at Minho.
"Something up?" Minho asks. It's six in the morning and a long day is stretched out in front of them, he didn't need Jonghyun being all jumpy around him from the start of the day.
"How was - how was your sleep last night?" Jonghyun finally does asks, voice tentative. Minho crooks an eyebrow at him, even if his heart is hammering in his chest.
"Okay, could have used more," Minho replies.
"No, I mean - never mind," Jonghyun returns to his cereal, spooning more of it into his mouth, eyes decisively trained on the circled grain bits.
"I know," Minho says instead. Jonghyun chokes on his food.
"You mean -" Minho nods before Jonghyun finishes his sentence.
"Could you guys stop talking so cryptically in the morning?" Kibum snaps at them. Jonghyun laughs as he coughs and Minho just pats Kibum on the back.
✖
"I need to talk to you," Jonghyun says when they are back in their shared rooms, packing their bags for the day ahead. Minho ignores him and instead folds his towel into a neat little square. That weird feeling is in his chest again, like his heart is being squeezed in between someone's palm. He exhales harshly and reaches for his wallet.
"I won't tell anyone, hyung," Minho replies instead, hands still stuffing his things into his bag. He hears Jonghyun sigh aloud and a weird tremble goes down the length of his spine.
"I know -"
"You should tell the others though. They deserve to know, because if something happens, you won't be the only one affected," Minho cuts in, and even he is surprised by the bluntness of his words. Jonghyun opens his mouth, as if to start to defend himself, but he closes it back.
"I know," Jonghyun replies sharply.
"Then do something about it."
"You don't -" he stops and Minho fights the urge to turn around. "You don't - fine, I will tell them okay. I promise."
The rest of the day is fraught with tension, at least on Minho's part. He thinks it is a two-way thing, but Jonghyun seems oddly at ease for someone who is hiding a secret, and instead it is Minho who is jumpy, flinching when Jinki's hand presses against the small of his back and not laughing when Taemin says something wrong as he spaces out during break.
"You okay?" Jonghyun asks him during one of their short breaks, and Minho doesn't believe Jonghyun still has the gall to ask him something like that.
"Are you fucking serious?" Minho spits back. He tells himself he doesn't feel slightly bad for the way Jonghyun's shoulder jerks backwards from shock. "I am probably more worried than you, and you're the one in a relationship."
"You have always been a bit of a worrywart," Jonghyun says, and even though the words are teasing, the tone of his voice or anything but. Instead, his voice shakes with the exertion of trying to sound light and Minho can't help but feel bad, as if he had kicked a puppy.
"Hyung," Minho starts, but falters when he realises that he has nothing to say. Or more specifically, he had no idea what to say. Jonghyun looks at him expectantly, eyes wide. His face starts to drop when Minho continues to remain silent, and Minho desperately wants to reach out with his hand and hold his features in place; slide up the side of his lips and the corner of his eyes. Instead, he allows the silence to steam and simmer, allows to boil over the edge of a metaphorical pot until Jonghyun just signs aloud.
"It's okay," Jonghyun manages to say, even though the tone of his voice screams the opposite. Before Minho can say anything, the break is over. Jonghyun takes another huge gulp of water and returns to the center of the room. Minho takes a few deep breaths.
✖
(The first time Minho truly understands heartbreak is in high school.
She wasn't someone unusually outstanding or prominent, in fact, she had seemed a little plain and average, straight brown hair that grazed her shoulder blades and a small heart-shaped face. He had asked her out underneath the huge tree that grew in school and she had nodded.
Her lack of enthusiasm should have been his first clue, first warning, but he had been too infatuated and possibly too in love (at least, in love the way teenagers are; too fast and too hard, intense and overpowering but never actually sustained) to notice. Looking back, the relationship had been driven solely by her, her every whim and fancy driving Minho deeper and deeper.
When she had called it quits, a casual I don't think I want this anymore amidst a mundane conversation about schoolwork, it felt like his whole world had turned into sand and was slipping through his fingers, grains caught by the wind and scattered so wide and far that he couldn't even begin to assemble it back whole.
He had asked why, asked what he had done wrong and what he could do to make up for it.
She had laughed, a sound of mirth with the darkest undertones.
"I never really liked you anyway.")
✖
Their comeback comes and goes, and Jonghyun still does not tell the others about Sekyung. They go out for dinner to celebrate a successful performance, and Minho doesn't miss the fact that Jonghyun drinks more than he usually does, soju flushing his face and making his voice more boisterous than it already is. Kibum chides him for it, even though he himself is more tipsy than sober, laughing at anything even vaguely funny and thumping everyone on the back.
Minho confronts Jonghyun about it the next morning, when Jonghyun is awake early because of a dull headache and Minho is still a light sleeper. He hands Jonghyun a cup of water and sits next to him quietly as the latter sips from it.
"You haven't told them," Minho says softly.
"Do you really have to do this when I'm hungover?" Jonghyun groans, placing the cup back on the bedside table loudly. The air in the room is tense enough to cut with a knife. Minho wishes it could be that easy to get rid of the tension.
"You know the paparazzis are nuts when we are active, shouldn't you tell them before you eventually get caught?"
"What makes you think I'll get caught?"
Minho sighs, exasperated. "You know what I mean. Just - just tell them okay?"
Jonghyun's uneasy shrug tells Minho to brace himself for the inescapable fallout.
✖
The fallout is worse than what Minho expected.
The first sign is when Kibum doesn't blow up at Jonghyun, doesn't scream and shout or even hurl the sofa cushions at him. Instead, he shakes his head lightly, the rest of him quivering like a willow caught in a breeze, and returns to his room silently, door closing with a loud bang. Jonghyun stares at the closed door, expression empty.
The second sign is when Jinki does blow up, voice louder than they had ever heard and face tinted with the red. Even Minho winces when Jinki calls Jonghyun irresponsible and childish, because the words are laced with so much venom and legitimacy. Jonghyun opens his mouth, wanting to defend himself but Jinki glares at him and he doesn't say anything.
"Hyung, you fucked up," Taemin says simply, before getting off the couch and back into his room. Minho stands silently at a corner of the living room and watches Jonghyun struggle with his emotions, but failing to reach any form of conclusion.
"It's not my fault," he hears Jonghyun say quietly to no one in particular, and that makes Minho inhale sharply.
"It's all your fucking fault," Minho replies just as quietly. Jonghyun's head snaps towards him.
"You don't know what I am going through." There is a current of anger in Jonghyun's words, masked thoroughly by his guilt, but still largely evident.
"Why don't you tell me then?" Minho prodes, arms crossed. He doesn't know why he is giving Jonghyun a chance to speak, but he feels like he should, like something in him wanted to give Jonghyun a chance to redeem himself.
"I feel like shit," Jonghyun admits, laughing at his admission. He paces the short length of their living room, a hand combing through his hair in frustration. "Not about the relationship, but about not telling them."
"You're an asshole," Minho agrees, and that elicits more laughter from Jonghyun, but one that is slightly more genuine, under all the negativity.
"I just want to make this right again," Jonghyun says and Minho knows he can believe in that, because he knows Jonghyun wants this, loves and basks in the attention that stardom gives. He doesn't quite understand why a part of him doesn't.
✖
"Alone?" Minho looks up from his drink to see a woman on the seat next to him. There is a cup in her hand, the amber of whiskey twinkling from under the orange light of the bar. He nods at her before taking another sip of his beer.
"You look familiar," she says, and Minho tugs the hat lower, so that the brim of it shadows his eyes.
"I get that a lot."
The woman laughs at that, her voice clear and ringing in the mostly empty bar. It's so different from what he hears at the dorm; Jonghyun's boisterous laughter or Kibum's obnoxious guffawing and he can't remember the last time he heard that much laughter in the dorm.
"You look like you have something on your mind," she continues and Minho places his glass back on the table.
"Can I get you a drink?" The woman crooks an eyebrow at him and swirls the liquid of the drink in her hand. Minho laughs. "After you're done with that."
Minho takes a second to really look at the woman. Her hair is loose around her face and she has a prominent beauty mark that sits at the bottom edge of her bottom lip. The aching loneliness in him tenses around his heart once more.
"Sure, why not?"
✖
Minho has never quite remember that there was a stark difference between loneliness and being alone.
✖
The first time Sekyung goes over to their dorms, the atmosphere is decidedly tense. Kibum looks at her from the corner of his eyes and sighs dramatically, before flopping onto the couch, legs thrown above Taemin's. Jinki is a bundle of awkward laughter and even more awkward gestures, dropping the tray of empty plastic cups before dissolving into stuttered apologies. Taemin ignores everything and trains his eyes on his game console, the already familiar cry of his Gengar loud in the room.
Sekyung looks scared, afraid, and even Jonghyun's reassuring hand on her elbow doesn't seem to stop her from chewing at her bottom lip. She introduces herself to them, voice soft and flighty, and only gets mere grunts in response. Minho sees Jonghyun glaring at them when she isn't looking, but Kibum just shrugs his shoulders and the others look away.
"I'm Minho," Minho finally says to break the tension. From the corner of his eye, he sees Jonghyun's shoulders slump in relief and his chest tightens for a split second. Sekyung looks genuinely surprised but a smile breaks out across her face.
The rest of the evening is still uncomfortable, but not awfully so. They sit around the living room and watch a movie, munching on the caramelized popcorn that Sekyung had brought over. There is a hint of small conversation, the possibility of friendship in the air, and even Taemin looks up from his console more than once, the cheerful background music of Oreburgh City playing as he graces them with a small smile.
"Thank you," Jonghyun tells Minho as he steps into their room after sending Sekyung home. Minho shifts from his position on his bed so that he is facing Jonghyun.
"Did it for her, not for you. You were the one that decided to let the others find out through the news." Minho regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but they are already in the air, condensing into truth and he can't take them back.
"Minho-"
"I didn't - you know what I mean," Minho says, trying to remedy the situation. He doesn't understand why he is so angry either, why he cared so much about this, but the ugly feeling remains in the pit of his stomach, gnawing at his insides.
"Why are you still so angry? Even Kibum has forgiven me in his own way, why can't you?" Jonghyun asks.
(Jinki is the first one that forgives Jonghyun. Minho sees them walking out of his and Jonghyun's room with their arms slung around each other. There is a look of relief stark on Jonghyun's face and Jinki's smile is a familiar one, eyes crinkled.
Taemin forgives him next, evident in the fact that he allows Jonghyun to borrow his DS.
Kibum's forgiveness had not been easy to spot, not when he was still a tinge too cold and snarky, but he stops snapping at Jonghyun at every given opportunity and even allows Jonghyun to sit next to him.)
Minho doesn't know how to reply to Jonghyun's question. So he doesn't. Instead, he turns so his back faces Jonghyun, and squeezes his eyes shut. He hears Jonghyun sigh loudly before the room goes dark.
✖
Sekyung turns out to be a very easy person to get along with, endearing and friendly. She laughs at Jinki's attempts at jokes and plays along with Taemin's tiny temper tantrums. She is surprisingly daring and outgoing, adventurous with just the right hint of restrain. There is competitiveness in her veins, evident in way her hands grip the game controller with renewed vigour after a defeated match.
Minho finds in her a possible friend, someone he can laugh and talk with, someone who he can sit with over a cup of coffee and a couple of hours. That makes the ugly feeling he feels in the pit of his stomach when he looks at them churn like a form of betrayal, a physical manifestation of jealousy that has mutated into something worse.
"I never got to say thank you," she tells him one day, when they are in the kitchen preparing drinks for the rest of them. He crooks an eyebrow in her direction as question, and continues to scoop ice cubes into the six laid out cups.
"You were the first one to introduce yourself - I bet you don't know what I am talking about," she says, flustered.
"I am glad I did," he replies instead. Surprisingly, the smile on her face doesn't cause that ugly feeling to arise.
✖
He accidentally sees them kissing once. Or more specifically, he sees their silhouettes kiss, shadowed by the window. It is not anything particularly scandalous or heated, just mouth against mouth. Jonghyun's hands cup her delicate face and her hand is pressed against the curve of his neck. It actually seems to reek of romance and maybe even love.
They don't notice Minho even when they part (though that made sense, since Minho was looking at them through a crack of a poorly closed door), and instead spend almost a minute with their foreheads pressed against each other, soft breathing echoing in the empty room.
Later on, the soju is bitter on Minho's tongue but not as bitter as the jealousy that sits at the pit of his stomach.
✖
Jonghyun and Sekyung are the poster children for the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Jonghyun doesn't obsessively call Sekyung when they are in Japan, instead opting to only call her when they have a long stretch of time available. He takes measures not to disturb the other members, escaping out into the corridors to talk to her, voice barely above a whisper. Even Kibum, who claims to not believe in long-distance relationships admits that they are doing very well. Jonghyun looks smug when Kibum tells him that, and Kibum scowls at him.
"Your ego is inflated so easily," he chides good-naturedly. The smugness on Jonghyun's face fades away, replaced by something that resembles relief.
"To be honest, I was kind of worried. I'm - I'm glad it is working out." Minho has never seen Jonghyun this bashful before, and if you squint you could probably catch the start of pink of the edge of his cheekbones. There is a vulnerability to him as he utters these words that Minho has never experienced before.
✖
(The second time Minho truly understands heartbreak was when he was the one doing the breaking.
She was another trainee who entered a few months after him. She had a face that turned heads, and legs that went on forever but she was painfully shy, and Minho sees her sitting by herself during breaks, sipping sporadically at a bottle of water as her head bobbed along to whatever she was listening to on her music player.
Their first encounter had been painfully cliche, knocking into each other as they rushed towards opposite directions. Minho had picked up her music player and passed it back to her with a smile on his face. He should have noticed the startled and intrigued look on her face.
She started to approach him directly, talking to him with a soft voice and cautious words. He talks back because she is so nice to him, and he feels like he was obliged to return this affection somehow.
When she had confessed to him a few months later, he told her gently that it could never work. She asked him why. He doesn't give an answer and instead rushed away to his next practice.
She dropped out a few days later, and Minho's last memory of her was trying to catch her eye but having her smile weakly at him before averting her gaze away.)
✖
"You're not as subtle as you think." Minho turns to meet Kibum's eyes, mere inches from his own. He flinches backwards.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Minho replies, a tad too fast for it to be truthful. Kibum rolls his eyes in exasperation. His arms are crossed and Minho knows he means business.
"Anyone can see the way you stare at them with that odd of heartbreak and jealousy. Minho, I know Sekyung -"
"What?"
"Sekyung. You like her, don't you?" Kibum finally lays out. Minho can feel himself falter, expression on his face attempting to school themselves back to something neutral. "You need to do something about that," Kibum continues, "You're becoming increasingly hostile towards Jonghyun."
Kibum's words send Minho into a state of confusion. Did he have a crush on Sekyung? Had his good feelings for her crossed the line from platonic to something more? He doesn't feel jealous when they hang out together, doesn't feel a pang of want when they talk, not even when her smooth hand is warm against the skin of his wrist. It is only when he sees them together that the feeling turns up, only when Jonghyun's arm is tight around her waist or when her mouth is pressed into the crook of his neck.
Maybe he was jealous of their relationship - of any relationship. Maybe what made him angry was the fact that they had something special and Minho has always been a person who surrounds himself with people to chase away that inherent loneliness in his heart.
He decides that that was what it was; the other explanation was just not possible.
✖
"Do you like Sekyung?" Jonghyun asks him out of the blue one day, when Minho is driving them to a fast food joint for an illegal indulgence. Minho snaps his head to face Jonghyun and give him a look before returning his attention back to the traffic.
Minho doesn't grace Jonghyun with an answer, but Jonghyun's question does set his mind reeling a little. He knows his feelings and emotions towards Jonghyun and Sekyung's relationships are a little weird, a little unorthodox. Sure, it would make sense if it was still a hidden relationship or if their relationship was rocky, but they seem happy together, and Sekyung is almost like a part of their group already. Besides, Minho did like Sekyung, and even consider them friends. Yet he couldn't quite understand why he always feels this flare of jealousy when he sees them together, a small spark that makes it hard to swallow and his chest clench. In fact, he sometimes felt that way just looking at Jonghyun alone.
And then Minho realizes.
It was never about Sekyung.
✖
Minho never tells Jonghyun, but sometimes late at night he wakes up in the middle of Jonghyun speaking to Sekyung on the phone. They never seem to talk about anything interesting; asking about each other's days and mundane conversations about nothing in particular. In fact, they seem like every other boring couple, even though individually they were such dynamic and known people.
Yet there are moments where the conversations head to another direction, where the words turn flirty or spark with concern, and these are the moments where Minho's bed seems too big for just him, even though it was just a single size mattress. His hand curls uselessly around the excess bedsheet and loneliness overtakes him faster than sleep can.
✖
(The third time Minho truly understands heartbreak is when he sees Jonghyun smile at Sekyung, smile in a way that Minho has never seen him smile before. He's not sure if it is because it is wider, or because there is more teeth flashing, but something about it clenches his heart tight and makes it hard to breathe.
It is a tricky thing, affection and love. While there is a part of him that is happy that Jonghyun seems happy, settled, that Jonghyun has his hand laced tight with someone who was compatible with him, there is still a part of him, a part that he has squashed and hidden deep in himself that aches and throbs and wishes that he was the reason for Jonghyun's happiness.
Nothing hurts more than seeing the person you love be happy with someone else.)
- as always, this couldn't have been possible without the guidance of emo_what97
- i aware there's a lot more i could have done with this fic, i apologize