beneath masquerades and lies.
what if all this time I was just lying?
what if it's true then --- that i've been acting masquerades and it just got easier and easier to pretend?
what if it isn't even important to be strong?
i miss ..
i miss my friends. i miss my college people. i miss my family.
i miss life.
i miss emotions.
i miss being human.
i miss alot, alot alot of things.
i miss things that tug at my heart. i miss having something to hang on too.
i said i'd live out my life.
easy to make that promise.
a long tinme ago, i watched my world collapse and become increasingly empty---
it was precisely because i hated that emptiness, that i became the way i was in the first half of 2007. i stopped to smell the roses, and learnt to take a backseat, became the observer, the playmaker, and learnt to just enjoy what was in front of me. i stopped being the competitive pretender who always wanted to be in the center of attention no matter what ,,, and it cracked open my heart like hell, and made me see what an asshole i've been before....
it was then i swore to be like gary oak--- to mature, to become wiser, to learn from all my childhood experiences.
it's like .. oh c'mon.
i haven't had anything humane for a long, long time.
no emotional songs, no emotional fics, no emotional stuff... and when i do feel pain, i do everything to forget it, and go back into my pretense...
(the price i pay is my bloody gone voice which hurts my vocal cords like bloody hell.. okay so sure i sing well in those sultry tones, but it just...sounded....weird......urh... i'll havta think about it.)
i miss my swim friends. i miss my college friends.
i miss it when friends just didn't mean a hell lot of competition, but people just there to accept you despite being who you are . ..
i even miss yui. i miss the old days where fandom meant fandom, and not something just to distract me from my miserable life.
omg. it's march. and i still feel like two years just slipped by me and i didn't give a damn about it.
oh shucks....
i'm not elitist, you know. i act like a kid..most of the times.. but hey, i'm learning how to assert myself. i miss the old me. i miss the old me who clung onto feelings and heart and so much goddamn emotions and now because of my struggle to pull out of pain, i think i just easily ditched everything just to salvage alot of things----------
and in place, a strong-ass, unfeeling, asshole just took my place as its facade, when i'm nothing like thhat. in time, that persona grew to became a mastery of my facade. i termed it 'hollow' a.k.a. bankai. it hides all the scars and pain inside. it thinks it's a genius. it cultivates prodigious talents .
it is a bloody lie.
it cannot think properly.
so i miss myself.
i miss tthe one pre-september, even with all that insanity and fear and psychological disorders, at least i had a heart--before i quickly shut everything, everyone out from my life and became such a jerkass---
omfg this song is bringing up alot of stupid memories. shit. change songs.
and you tell me what's wrong with going back to december?
i remember how in college one, it was just so.....empty. i pursue fame relentlessly. i forgot friends. i only wanted popularity. even in november , fandoms became empty. ... and in december, everything clicked....everything. it felt like post 2005.... before everything became increasingly a lie... of competitiveness, of popularity...
:D
i love green.
:D that color keeps me in place all the time.
and i loved that feeling two days ago when my friends just accepted me as who i am. i'll never forget my dazedness when my frend went" but we all still love you, insert-my-name here" and i just stood there like icouldn't believe what i was hearing and i just wanted to faint from happiness....
and there were other times i was actually happy being with friends ------ the one time at table 109 where i felt like a total zelfie. the other time in the car with my primary school mates. ooh, don't mention the playground. i just don't quite remember why i acted the way i did -- it was just insanely dumb and a stupid pretense of stupid things and i just..shut myself out from the goddman taxi driver, after! omg. like why did i do that man. hahahaha.
and... yeah. and the one thing at my new university friends' bbq party . i was happy. i didn't know why. i acted like such a kiddo. it took a few hours to completely melt me back to stage one.
sometimes i wonder why i even bother with the facade even at home... when in the end, going out breaks me, and it is precisely because of going out that i keep that facade sometimes.
i am such a dramatic asshole.
sighs.
i can't wait to wear my dresses and everything. i know. i'll never forget all of you. it's not easy to pretend nothing between us ever transcended. i think there'll always be a hole where you left... but i don't think i'll ever forget the kind of warmth, and the countless memories you gave me in turn... sure, it hurt like crazy after, but i thin kwhen it lasted, i was the happiest person on earth, if you know what i mean.
maybe my strength just isn't in being a social person. .. although i beg to differ on some points. though it doesn't make sense how during my project presentation i just became ab it of a social pariah because i was like ..an idiot. hahaha. but it was fun to kick their asses, omfg. hahaha.
anyhow.
i miss being me.
i miss going ' i love me ' .
i miss living my old life before i shut everything out, and pretended nothing hurt. pretended i was just snarky, sarcastic---you know how draining it is to convince myself of that? omfg. i mean, c'mon. i am witty. i have crack jampacked in me, alot of which is snarkiness. but wth.... i am NOt an asshole. i hate it when i act like an asshole, you know what i mean...
these 2 days have been spent a lot of figuring out what to do with myself. i suck in dealing with myself you know that? sometimes i think my friends know me better than i do myself. and my older sister. c'mon. i'm not smart. i had to wkr my ass like crazy before i became that genius in year 2, before i became a depressic freak and everything just became so anti-social..maybe being anti-social makes one a genius but wtf, i don't want to become anti-sociial just to become a genius... it's so...lame...
i know.
i'm not trapped in any systems anymore.
but it is the past experiences that shape me into who i become today---
all i know is,
i miss the green ribbon, i miss the green dot, and two years on and i'm still thinking of this like i haven't moved slightly a bit on ---
and,
i want to remember how it is like to fly and smile and be happy again.
and just a note,
i don't think happiness is elusive.
i honestly don't.