To Tamsin, from Maaya ♥
Title: and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
Author: Maaya, aka chaineddove
Recipient: Tamsin, aka dawnduskdancer
Series: Clover
Characters/Pairing: Oruha, Suu, Kazuhiko, and a very OT3 sort of feel.
Rating: PG
Author Notes/Warnings: My translation of volume 3 is rather bad... so I took a few liberties with the exact phrasing of the lines. The prompts had little to nothing to do with what I ended up writing, but I really hope you enjoy it anyway. It's surprisingly hopeful ♥
The title is taken from the text of the e.e. cummings poem "i carry your heart." I'm currently in the process of recording a beautiful piece which uses this text, and it was in my mind as I wrote this.
She knows it is coming, and she is not sure how to feel about it anymore. It would be easier, probably, if she had succeeded in keeping her promise to herself - not to get too close to anyone, not to become too attached to anything, to float through her short life unfettered so that when it is time to leave it behind there is nothing tying her down. But she is not the kind of girl who can quietly dream her life away in acceptance, and so here she is now, months away from the end, and she doesn't know how she feels or what she should do. She tries, mostly, not to think about it, because thoughts of it fill her with dread. It's too late to look back now. She has Kazuhiko. She has her music. Precious things for the sake of which she wishes she could keep living.
And then, she has a ringing phone and a soft voice on the other end of the line, and with it, she finds, she has clarity.
***
What does it feel like, she asks again and again, the girl on the other end of the line.
What does it feel like to sing?
She has to think about it. It's like playing a part, she says. It's more, but she doesn't know how to articulate it. She feels her music in her bones, in her blood, shimmering in the air around her.
The song you're singing now. What does it feel like?
It's a secret, she tells the girl, because she doesn't know of any simple way to answer. How does it feel? Like flying. Like spinning in circles. Like straining for something beautiful which is just out of reach. It is an ache, a happy-sad-strange ache. Singing about love is complicated, because she is in love with the music. It's too close to act it. It simply is.
I've never wanted anything like this before, the girl tells her. There is a note of quietly suppressed longing in her voice, and Oruha knows, suddenly, that she understands the ache and the feeling of flight and the dizziness. Does this mean I am in love?
***
She thinks about it, later, in the quiet. She looks out the window to a cloudy sky, straining to see the stars beyond, and reminds herself, this is how it feels when my heart is speaking. The flutter, the sparkle, the warmth. These feelings, they are how I know. For me, this is love. Kazuhiko breathes slowly next to her and she smiles. Her time is fleeting, but this is important. This is right. She is tethered to this world and parting from it will hurt, but for this brief stretch of time, she is happy.
***
Suu has the saddest voice of any she has ever heard. Her words are filled with a quiet resignation. Oruha does not know what fate could be so terrible, but she does not think she should ask. I wish I could hold you, she says instead. You will be happy if you have someone to hold you. Happy like I am with Kazuhiko.
I envy you.
No one should envy her, Oruha thinks. Not her, a woman who is doing something so terrible. Kazuhiko is a good man, and he loves her, and she is going to destroy his life. I wish I could make Kazuhiko happy, she says. I don't have much time left. There is a clock ticking on the wall and she thinks, how many seconds? How many minutes? How long is left? She opens her heart to someone who is nearly a perfect stranger because somehow, she senses she will be understood.
***
How does it feel? Suu insists. Oruha answers. Sometimes, the answers come from deep inside, and she is surprised to hear them.
She expects the questions to become uncomfortable, but they never do. His hand, how does it feel?
His breathing next to you, how does it feel?
When he holds you, how does it feel?
She answers, and then she takes the time to think about it, to feel it, to memorize it. Kazuhiko's fingers are rough with calluses and his hands are large enough to completely envelop hers. His arms are strong as steel but gentle, always gentle when he holds her. His hair tickles her nose. Sometimes he snores lightly, and she lies awake, thinking about these things. In the warmth of his arms, she feels protected. His grip is not tight, not possessive, not constricting. Perhaps she is doing something terrible, but in his arms she feels the way she feels when she sings.
Even if it's going to end, she says, right now, I want to be happy.
***
The clock is ticking. Her time is short. Every day, the colors are so bright, the music is so beautiful, her heart is so full. She breathes it in, every second, and remembers, because Suu will ask later, but also for herself. This, she reminds herself. This moment is being alive. She smiles and she sings and she holds on to every second, then lets it go, feeling her heart lighten with every instant, every note released. There is no time for fear when there are so many other things to fill her heart.
She wishes she could share this newfound clarity, wishes she could draw Suu into the circle of her arms and show her, this moment, this is what it is. This is what happiness is. This is what life is. No tragedy you face can take this from you.
When I die, no one will cry for me, Suu tells her, and she wants to ask - when is that? - and she wants to say - there are those who will cry for me, but I am not sure if it is kind of me to be glad of it. Instead she says, I'll cry. She thinks that even after she is gone from this world, she will know to cry for her, because she has come to her in a time when she so desperately needed someone to remind her what it feels like to breathe.
If you don't mind, we are best friends. After all, they know each other in a way no one else knows.
Thank you. There is warmth in Suu's voice, like a caress. Oruha thinks that perhaps, however little time she has, she may yet be able to save her from whatever is caging her.
Would you like to write a song? she asks, for Suu, for herself. For the sake of the music. As a farewell. As an ending. And perhaps, for Suu, as a beginning.
***
I will be singing for you and Kazuhiko, she says. Because that is what love is. At the last moment, she will give them this, at least, to remember her by.
I want you to know, she says. I will die today. Her time is almost done. She only has moments now, precious moments to remember and pass on what she can of her newfound wisdom. I thought that I could never pour myself into anything, she says and she hopes that Suu is listening, really listening and understanding, because this is the most important thing there is. She has taken the leap, and perhaps it is a terrible thing she is doing, but she is glad in it.
I love you, she says, each word weighted with the emotions behind it. I wish we could have met. I wish I could have held you. I wish I could have sung with you. These wishes will never come true, but it is all right. She has wishes because she is still alive.
Good-bye, she says, and her heart is light. It is the last time. She is smiling. Now, at the end, she is no longer afraid. I hope you find what it means to be happy.
***
The lights are bright in her eyes. This is for my two most important people, she says. Listen, she thinks. Remember. Please understand. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and sings.
Author: Maaya, aka chaineddove
Recipient: Tamsin, aka dawnduskdancer
Series: Clover
Characters/Pairing: Oruha, Suu, Kazuhiko, and a very OT3 sort of feel.
Rating: PG
Author Notes/Warnings: My translation of volume 3 is rather bad... so I took a few liberties with the exact phrasing of the lines. The prompts had little to nothing to do with what I ended up writing, but I really hope you enjoy it anyway. It's surprisingly hopeful ♥
The title is taken from the text of the e.e. cummings poem "i carry your heart." I'm currently in the process of recording a beautiful piece which uses this text, and it was in my mind as I wrote this.
She knows it is coming, and she is not sure how to feel about it anymore. It would be easier, probably, if she had succeeded in keeping her promise to herself - not to get too close to anyone, not to become too attached to anything, to float through her short life unfettered so that when it is time to leave it behind there is nothing tying her down. But she is not the kind of girl who can quietly dream her life away in acceptance, and so here she is now, months away from the end, and she doesn't know how she feels or what she should do. She tries, mostly, not to think about it, because thoughts of it fill her with dread. It's too late to look back now. She has Kazuhiko. She has her music. Precious things for the sake of which she wishes she could keep living.
And then, she has a ringing phone and a soft voice on the other end of the line, and with it, she finds, she has clarity.
***
What does it feel like, she asks again and again, the girl on the other end of the line.
What does it feel like to sing?
She has to think about it. It's like playing a part, she says. It's more, but she doesn't know how to articulate it. She feels her music in her bones, in her blood, shimmering in the air around her.
The song you're singing now. What does it feel like?
It's a secret, she tells the girl, because she doesn't know of any simple way to answer. How does it feel? Like flying. Like spinning in circles. Like straining for something beautiful which is just out of reach. It is an ache, a happy-sad-strange ache. Singing about love is complicated, because she is in love with the music. It's too close to act it. It simply is.
I've never wanted anything like this before, the girl tells her. There is a note of quietly suppressed longing in her voice, and Oruha knows, suddenly, that she understands the ache and the feeling of flight and the dizziness. Does this mean I am in love?
***
She thinks about it, later, in the quiet. She looks out the window to a cloudy sky, straining to see the stars beyond, and reminds herself, this is how it feels when my heart is speaking. The flutter, the sparkle, the warmth. These feelings, they are how I know. For me, this is love. Kazuhiko breathes slowly next to her and she smiles. Her time is fleeting, but this is important. This is right. She is tethered to this world and parting from it will hurt, but for this brief stretch of time, she is happy.
***
Suu has the saddest voice of any she has ever heard. Her words are filled with a quiet resignation. Oruha does not know what fate could be so terrible, but she does not think she should ask. I wish I could hold you, she says instead. You will be happy if you have someone to hold you. Happy like I am with Kazuhiko.
I envy you.
No one should envy her, Oruha thinks. Not her, a woman who is doing something so terrible. Kazuhiko is a good man, and he loves her, and she is going to destroy his life. I wish I could make Kazuhiko happy, she says. I don't have much time left. There is a clock ticking on the wall and she thinks, how many seconds? How many minutes? How long is left? She opens her heart to someone who is nearly a perfect stranger because somehow, she senses she will be understood.
***
How does it feel? Suu insists. Oruha answers. Sometimes, the answers come from deep inside, and she is surprised to hear them.
She expects the questions to become uncomfortable, but they never do. His hand, how does it feel?
His breathing next to you, how does it feel?
When he holds you, how does it feel?
She answers, and then she takes the time to think about it, to feel it, to memorize it. Kazuhiko's fingers are rough with calluses and his hands are large enough to completely envelop hers. His arms are strong as steel but gentle, always gentle when he holds her. His hair tickles her nose. Sometimes he snores lightly, and she lies awake, thinking about these things. In the warmth of his arms, she feels protected. His grip is not tight, not possessive, not constricting. Perhaps she is doing something terrible, but in his arms she feels the way she feels when she sings.
Even if it's going to end, she says, right now, I want to be happy.
***
The clock is ticking. Her time is short. Every day, the colors are so bright, the music is so beautiful, her heart is so full. She breathes it in, every second, and remembers, because Suu will ask later, but also for herself. This, she reminds herself. This moment is being alive. She smiles and she sings and she holds on to every second, then lets it go, feeling her heart lighten with every instant, every note released. There is no time for fear when there are so many other things to fill her heart.
She wishes she could share this newfound clarity, wishes she could draw Suu into the circle of her arms and show her, this moment, this is what it is. This is what happiness is. This is what life is. No tragedy you face can take this from you.
When I die, no one will cry for me, Suu tells her, and she wants to ask - when is that? - and she wants to say - there are those who will cry for me, but I am not sure if it is kind of me to be glad of it. Instead she says, I'll cry. She thinks that even after she is gone from this world, she will know to cry for her, because she has come to her in a time when she so desperately needed someone to remind her what it feels like to breathe.
If you don't mind, we are best friends. After all, they know each other in a way no one else knows.
Thank you. There is warmth in Suu's voice, like a caress. Oruha thinks that perhaps, however little time she has, she may yet be able to save her from whatever is caging her.
Would you like to write a song? she asks, for Suu, for herself. For the sake of the music. As a farewell. As an ending. And perhaps, for Suu, as a beginning.
***
I will be singing for you and Kazuhiko, she says. Because that is what love is. At the last moment, she will give them this, at least, to remember her by.
I want you to know, she says. I will die today. Her time is almost done. She only has moments now, precious moments to remember and pass on what she can of her newfound wisdom. I thought that I could never pour myself into anything, she says and she hopes that Suu is listening, really listening and understanding, because this is the most important thing there is. She has taken the leap, and perhaps it is a terrible thing she is doing, but she is glad in it.
I love you, she says, each word weighted with the emotions behind it. I wish we could have met. I wish I could have held you. I wish I could have sung with you. These wishes will never come true, but it is all right. She has wishes because she is still alive.
Good-bye, she says, and her heart is light. It is the last time. She is smiling. Now, at the end, she is no longer afraid. I hope you find what it means to be happy.
***
The lights are bright in her eyes. This is for my two most important people, she says. Listen, she thinks. Remember. Please understand. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and sings.