Last Call
“I’m sorry to break this news to you now, Joohyun-ah. But I just want you to prepare….It’s better than to just drop the bomb in span of days. But…” Manager oppa paused. “Your stint in WGM will come to an end, shortly” and she swore she could hear something shattered, somewhere near her. She gulped down, trying to process everything that he told them. All the girls gasped, some covered their mouths, some even started to get misty-eyed, but all looked at her. She smiled, she managed to do so, and nodded. “I understand” was her answer to the shocking news. Knowing her personality to bottle everything in, her manager returned the bitter smile then dashed out from the room. Her sisters started to say something but she didn’t hear it. She just refused to do so, her brain was blocked. She felt her heart fell right to the ground, more shatters, more cracks, more pain. Glancing to her worried sisters, she finally stood up. “Can you guys give me a minute? I will take a shower first” a lie that everyone knew. Because, she was heading to her bedroom not the other way. They sighed, letting their dearest sister have the time of her own, she needed that anyway.
Seohyun curled up on her bed, holding tight to her Keroro blanket. She lied awake, stared into space as she didn’t know what to do. It will come to an end, the reality hit her, forcing her to think. She knew, she knew it so well, that it wouldn’t last. The moment she signed the paper, she read the time range carefully. It wasn’t going to be forever, that’s a fact she was aware of. But not these past months, when she finally found her peace beside him. Not when he made her feel so good whenever they met. Not when she smiled and laughed freely around him. No, not when everything was perfect. She clutched her blanket tighter. Pain, she could feel her heart wrenched inside. It felt like it would burst out anytime soon. She closed her eyes as their memories played on. Memories, she turned bitter at the word. Would it be just memories, Yong? She asked to the utter silent surrounded her. And without her knowing, tears dropped from her eyes. Rolling down her cheeks onto her pillows. It couldn’t be stopped, not even when she tried so hard. Biting her lips, covering her face, scolding herself, none of them work. It still came out, and her voice soon became hoarse. Hurtful cries could be heard, and she thought it was so loud. Too loud, she wanted it to stop. Then she realized, the voice came from her. It was her, crying like she needed to hang on for her life. Things they did, photos they took, words they exchanged, she screamed on her mind, for them to stop flashing, to stop appearing.
“Hyun” Tiffany barged into the room forcefully, followed by others. They found Seohyun in great agony, drenched in tears, hair was messy. “Nappun saram” she said. “You guys never told me how painful this is going to be. You forgot to warn me” and all girls cried on the heart-breaking scene. Tiffany hugged the fragile girl, crying the loudest and said “Sorry, I’m so sorry”.
=================
Yonghwa gulped down another shot of Soju. In front of him, bottles of the alcoholic drink could be seen. He sipped again, looking at the distant. The living room was very quiet, he forced her brothers out to find him something to eat. All that was a lie he needed to come up with so that he could have time to think. Think about the news he heard earlier. The inevitable finally came, it finally dawned on him. And who was he to say no? No one. He could not say he didn’t want it to end, he could not force his management to make him stay in the show for much longer, he could not hold onto the “virtual” relationship he had built for the past year. Laughing bitterly, he poured some more to his glass. Just before the smell of the alcohol crept into his nose, his brothers already stood in the doorway. “Just what the hell are you doing?!” Minhyuk snatched his glass, looking at him furiously. “Hey, you guys are home” he managed to say, along with hiccups he let out. “You’re so drunk. What’s wrong?!” Jungshin smacked his head, hoping it would get him back to reality. “Hi… You know, I feel messed up now. Haha, can you guys believe that? Everything’s messed up!” He screamed and laughed. “The hell!! As if it doesn’t show already! Come on, I’ll take you to your room” he rebelled from Jonghyun’s grip. He tripped forward, fell flat on his nose. “HYUNG!” the three exclaimed, helping the leader to get up on his feet. “Hey, why is an ending always sad? Why is this one so freaking hurts? Why Jonghyun-ah? Why? Can you tell me?” The three scoffed, dragging him away to his room and laid him safely on his bed. “I’ll get you something for the hangover tomorrow. Go get some sleep, Hyung” and the last thing they heard was his painful scream.
=====================
“Where is Yonghwa?”
“Busy”
“WHAT?! AND YOU GUYS THINK WE ARE NOT AS BUSY AS YOU GUYS ARE?”
“We heard, we know”
“AND YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING COOL?”
“Stop shouting noona, there is nothing we can do about this”
“YEAH THERE IS!”
“Jeez, I told you to stop hurting my ears. Jonghyun hyung will talk to him tomorrow”
“Just, what is he so busy doing right now?! He’ll be just like this? Leaving as if nothing ever happened?”
“You’re wrong at that”
“YEAH? How so?”
“He’s busy getting wasted. There”
Silence.
“How bad?”
“Terrible”
Silence.
“I see, tell Jonghyun to knock on his head or something. Jonghyun is always the man with words after all”
“I get it. Bye noona, he’s vomiting already. I gotta take care of this”
“Okay”
“Noona, how is she doing?”
“Not better than him, I think. I need to take care of this bawling too. You know how much it hurts, don’t you?”
“I know. Well then, go knock hers too”
“I will let Tiffany do that. Bye now”
Click.
===================================
The morning greeted her as soon as she opened her eyes. She rolled up her blanket, closing her eyes and leaned back on her fluffy pillow. It was a beautiful morning, a sunshiny one, and total opposite from her mood right now. She thought about the words over and over again. She remembered how she had resisted to not falling. She had tried so hard to deny his charms, deny her little tingles, and blind her eyes. Until, she simply gave up. It was getting hard, and she jumped off right to the hole. It was thrilling, yes it was. But the after taste was out of her bound. It’s bitter, it’s out of control. First it was her heart betrayed her, by acknowledging every little thing he did. Then it’s her mouth, by saying things she thought she would never say. And it was her body, by feeling all sensation whenever he touched her. Soon, it was all of her systems that betrayed her, she could not think anymore. Tears again falling as she realized, It will end, soon. She’s afraid of the word ‘soon’. How fast? How will this roller coaster ride end? How will she be once the filming done with a last goodbye? How will they be? Unknowingly, she touched the butterfly necklace hanging on her neck as the pang came back. She felt dizzy, it was all spinning greatly. One thing caught her eyes, the silver ring, the ring she always wore for the past year. Now, how’s she going to take this off?
“OMO! She’s awake!” Taeyeon shouted once she barged into her room and all girls hurried back to her. “You okay?” “Do you feel anything?” “Do you need something?” All questions came at once, making her feel dizzier than she should. Sitting up, she threw a simple smile to them. “I’m okay” but her voice betrayed her. She sounded weak, so weak that her words were barely audible. “Unnie, can I have some time alone?” she needed to escape from their concern. Not now, it’s not the right time yet for sympathy, she thought to herself. They looked at each other, shook their heads at her and sat down. “The last time we let you do that…” they cleared their throats. “This happened” they pointed finger at Hyun’s pale face. She sighed. “I need it, Unnie… Please” and finally they agreed to back off for a while. With a small warning “We’ll leave. Try to not act stupid or anything” and Sunny’s smack on Yuri’s head “She’s not you!”. “Hyun, can I stay here for a while? I need to say something to you. Please, I promise it won’t take more than 5 minutes” Tiffany suddenly said, startling the others. Taeyeon gave her an encouraging smile, knowing exactly what Tiffany will say to their dearest maknae. “Let’s come out guys” the others nodded, they too knew what was going on.
“Feeling better dear?” Tiffany asked, stepping closer to the side of Seohyun’s bed. She nodded, move aside to let Tiffany sat beside her.
“Good, I’m glad” she paused for a while. “Look, Joohyun-ah. You know that I love you right? So much. And I want you to be happy. The same goes for the others” Seohyun took a deep breath and nodded.
“Maknae-ah, have you figured it out? The feeling you have for Yonghwa?”
“...”
“You know exactly what it is”
“… Yes… I know”
“So Hyun, what are you waiting for? Go tell him before it’s too late”
“No unnie, I can’t. I don’t know how he feels about me. Or even if I do, he has dreams that are more important than me. He has his music that he needs to let out, to express, things he needs to do. Much more important than me” tears were threatening to fall again.
“Aigoo, such a considerate girl, aren’t you? Well, Seo Joohyun, the way I see it…You!” Tiffany pointed at her face. “You have become part of his dream too. In the end of the road, where all of these no longer exist, you are the one who he wants to be there. When everything dies down in later years, you’ll be the one he wants to stand still, embracing him and finally be together without being afraid of the world. See, Joohyun, you are the source of his strength. His inspiration of great music he produced. Now tell me, if you take that away from him, doesn’t it feel like you take away his dream too?”
“Un-Unnie…”
“See the way he smiles whenever you’re around. Or how he beams with every little encouragement you gave in the backstage. Or how he would energetically sing in front of the audiences as if he just won a lottery every time you were there to see him perform? Are you going to take that way? You love him, and he obviously loves you too, so don’t give that away”
“…”
“Think about it Seohyun-ah, you know what’s best for you” and with that Tiffany stood up, leaving the girl alone.
=============================
Yonghwa groaned as he regained his consciousness. He felt his stomach hurt and he felt it hard to move. Every time he wanted to make a subtle action, he would feel everything spin. Reaching out for the side-table, he found some aspirin and took it without hesitating.
Knock, knock.
He stiffened.
“Hyung?”
“I’m not in the mood to talk Jonghyun”
“But we need to. I think I have to put some brain in your head”
“Get out Jonghyun, I don’t need wise words from you”
“Hyung! Why are you being so stubborn? Why are you so afraid about the ending anyway?”
Yonghwa glared at him.
“Why? Do you even have to ask why?”
“Yeah, because you see… You guys can be together if you want to. It’s just the matter of you having the guts or not”
“It’s not that simple” he scoffed.
“Oh yeah? I think it is, though. What are you so afraid of? Of the company? Of her being one of the factors that hold you back from reaching your dream? Of scandal? Be smarter, Hyung”
Yonghwa hissed, obviously annoyed. “Look, Jonghyun. We can do this next time. Save your philosophy or whatever it is for yourself now”
“Ah, seriously. You are depressed because you will end your marriage. Okay, I understand. It is if, you are not going out with her, for real. But thinking about it again, what the heck is there to prevent you guys from dating? If you are afraid of the fact that we are still rookie and dating will be inappropriate, then take this, you suck!”
He sat still, looking at his dongsaeng intently.
“Just realize what good things have happened to you when she came into your life. You won’t get those lyrics if she’s not around, right?”
He softened his expression. But still, no words came out from his mouth.
“Hyung, don’t be too afraid of the company rules. Because, you will be such an idiot if you let her go. I hate to say this… but, we won’t be here forever. We may be CNBLUE for the rest of our lives, but this glory will not last. There will be an end to it. And when it happens, what will you do? Who do you want to spend those dreary days with? Who can make everything okay even if your world starts to fall apart?”
“Her” a mere answer finally spoken. He was awakened from a dream, a realization hit him.
“I thought so. Besides, she had printed every little thing in your life. This dorm, FNC building, our recording room, our practice room, your room, your house in Busan, every street in Busan, your domakpaem family, even your high school. It’s impossible to just let go of her like that.”
With one last smirk, Jonghyun left his room while he still dozed off to his own train of thoughts.
===========================================
It took a while for both of them to think about what their respective member said. They were dawned in their stupid sadness. Stupid, because it shouldn’t be there in the first place. It wouldn’t have to be there if they wanted to change it. And that went on, until the cameras stopped rolling, until the PD said they have done a good job, until all the staffs bid them goodbye with hugs and sad eyes. And they drove off, leaving the recently divorced couple on their own. The atmosphere was depressing and the cold weather made it even worse. Silence filled the air as the only thing they heard was their breathing. Their slow breathing and their hidden sobs.
Seohyun finally let out a deep long sigh, getting ready to go back to her apartment. “Stop” his voice came out like a whisper, a painful whisper for her. She took another step. “Joohyun-ah, please. Stop where you are. You need to hear me out. I don’t want you to go like this. Not when everything is so unclear. Not when your heart is not at peace” he wrapped his arms around her, murmuring on her shoulder.
“It’s okay, Oppa. I understand. Go now, it’s late already”
“Understand what? What do you understand? What assumption do you have this time? What kind of crazy, impossible things you have on mind about my feelings now, Joohyun??!” he was upset. So upset that she kept being this thoughtful girl, ignoring her feelings and just think about him and his dongsaengs. It’s never about what she wanted when it came to this thing. It’s always about what’s best for him, what he needed, what he should do.
“Oppa… You know---“
“Shut up, Hyun. Please. Let me talk” she went silent, taking a deep breath to prepare herself. “It drives me crazy to think about us not being together. It suffocates me every time I picture my life without you. It damn hurts. It hurts” he confessed, looking right into her eyes and successfully sent her trembling. “Please for once, don’t think about what’s best for me. Don’t think about what this would do to me. Be selfish for once, Hyun. I want you to answer me honestly. What do you want from us? Where would I stand now, Hyun? Your oppa, your friend, a stranger? Answer me”
She inhaled, carefully studying his stares. “Do you want me to be selfish for once, Yong? So I can tell everything, right?” he nodded. “If I can have what I want Yong, I want you. I want us to be together. I don’t want to let go of us. I need you in my life, Oppa. That, if I am being selfish, would be my answer. The plain truth” she paused. “But…”
“I love you, Hyun” she blinked once, twice, thrice. “I really do” she froze. “I was thinking about the same thing. My dream, my band, my career, my music, everything that I painstakingly built for the past few years. Things that I finally got to achieve. But Hyun, when I finally made my dreams come true, you were there. You were the one watching me grow in this business. You were the one in the sidelines; humbly support me and my brothers. You stood there, sincerely, as my wife. Not as SNSD’s Seohyun, not just because we were bound by WGM, not out of courtesy. And I began to think about ‘what ifs’. What if I let you go? What if you slowly fade away? What if in the end, there won’t be you anymore? What if you’re really gone from my life? And those… I don’t want those. You can just kill me rather than having me going through all those stuffs”
“Oppa…”
“Hear me out, Hyun. I admit, I was stupid too for the past few weeks. But I really needed space to think clearly. And now I know, there’s nothing else I want other than being with you. I just can’t stand losing you, losing us. Oh God, I just can’t. Yes, yes I do still want CNBlue. And yes I still want to be in this entertainment world. And I still---“ he stopped, feeling her lips landed on his in a sweet, innocent kiss. He was taken aback, contemplating whether he should return the kiss or not. The table had just turned. It should be him, stealing a kiss from her. Not her, stealing a kiss from him. Oh well, it’s not like he mind anyway.
“I get it, Yong. I get it. If you didn’t stop me before, I would just say the same thing as you did. Because I want you, and I wanted to ask permission to let me be egotistic just this once. But you stole that momentum and you-“ now it’s her turn to stop, abruptly cut by his kiss. For a moment, it was just his lips landed on hers. But then she snaked her arms around his neck as he rubbed her back. He nibbled on her lower lips and she innocently, shyly and hesitantly, opened up for him. Battling tongues, rapid breathing, small sighs… and they stopped. With another small kiss on her lips, he backed away.
He put his forehead on hers, still trying to catch a breath. “I stole the momentum, alright. I am sorry”
She laughed. “I like it when you’re the first to say it”
“Oh, is that so? So you were actually expecting me to say that?”
“Well, yeah. It’ll be weird if I say it first, right? Ah cham, why are we discussing this anyway?” she slapped his arms playfully.
“You conned me” she rolled her eyes.
“There’s no such thing”
“Okay, okay, stop flaring your nose. Aigoo, look how they widen in an instant”
“Ah jinjja! I’m going up!” she stomped her feet, turning her back on him.
“Yah, Joohyun-ah!” She stopped. “Where is my goodnight kiss?” she widened her eyes.
“I can’t believe this. Few minutes ago we were still in this sooo desperate mood. And now you are even asking for a kiss”
He chuckled. “We got over that desperate mood already. Now I’m happy, too happy. Can’t you see my cheekbones bursting out? Minhyuk says they always pop out when I’m with you”
“Well, yeah, they definitely are. You look silly, Oppa.” He sulked. “It’s cute though” a grin quickly appeared on his face. She traced his face slowly, smiling to herself as she saw the man in front of her. She was feeling content, finally at ease. “I’ll miss you, Yonghwa-ah. Now, can we call it a night? We really need to rest, Oppa” he childishly pouted but then forced to nod.
“One kiss and I’ll call it a good night” he whispered in her ears with a tone that sent her blushing madly. Shyly, she placed her lips on his cheeks, onto his jawline and going lower. Her lips caught his in a lingering kiss, each didn’t want to let go.
“Hhhh, I think I need to go” She backed away, unwillingly let go of him.
“Yeah… You’ll miss me, right?”
“Everyday”
“Every hour?” she nodded. “Every minute?” she nodded. “Every second?” she nodded. “Every millisecond?” she rolled her eyes. “I’m serious, Joohyun!”
“Fine, fine! I’ll miss you every nanosecond! Now, can I go, Yong?”
“Shiro!”
“Oppa! Ah, I’m going now!”
He rushed to her, pulling her to his embrace. “Goodnight baby, I’ll miss you too. Call me tomorrow, the moment you wake up. Okay?”
She smiled, returning his hug. “O~kay”
“Yah! Why are you doing that eye-smile?!”
“Gosh this is going forever! I’m leaving oppa!” she placed a kiss on his cheek, sending him speechless and rooted on his place.
“Hyun! Hyun! Forget what I said okay?!” she frowned. “About that teddy bear I gave you. You can’t think of it as your husband. You have me!! You don’t need to think of it as me! Okay?”
She shook her head, waving to him as she reached the building door. “SEO JOOHYUN! SARANGHANDA!” she could hear him scream from outside making her giggle on her way up to her unit.
Five minutes later, Yonghwa screamed at the top of his lungs. Grinning widely and could not stop humming happy songs like he was going to make an album of his own. In his hand, was his phone with a text message read “I love you more, Yonghwa-ah~”.
Seohyun curled up on her bed, holding tight to her Keroro blanket. She lied awake, stared into space as she didn’t know what to do. It will come to an end, the reality hit her, forcing her to think. She knew, she knew it so well, that it wouldn’t last. The moment she signed the paper, she read the time range carefully. It wasn’t going to be forever, that’s a fact she was aware of. But not these past months, when she finally found her peace beside him. Not when he made her feel so good whenever they met. Not when she smiled and laughed freely around him. No, not when everything was perfect. She clutched her blanket tighter. Pain, she could feel her heart wrenched inside. It felt like it would burst out anytime soon. She closed her eyes as their memories played on. Memories, she turned bitter at the word. Would it be just memories, Yong? She asked to the utter silent surrounded her. And without her knowing, tears dropped from her eyes. Rolling down her cheeks onto her pillows. It couldn’t be stopped, not even when she tried so hard. Biting her lips, covering her face, scolding herself, none of them work. It still came out, and her voice soon became hoarse. Hurtful cries could be heard, and she thought it was so loud. Too loud, she wanted it to stop. Then she realized, the voice came from her. It was her, crying like she needed to hang on for her life. Things they did, photos they took, words they exchanged, she screamed on her mind, for them to stop flashing, to stop appearing.
“Hyun” Tiffany barged into the room forcefully, followed by others. They found Seohyun in great agony, drenched in tears, hair was messy. “Nappun saram” she said. “You guys never told me how painful this is going to be. You forgot to warn me” and all girls cried on the heart-breaking scene. Tiffany hugged the fragile girl, crying the loudest and said “Sorry, I’m so sorry”.
=================
Yonghwa gulped down another shot of Soju. In front of him, bottles of the alcoholic drink could be seen. He sipped again, looking at the distant. The living room was very quiet, he forced her brothers out to find him something to eat. All that was a lie he needed to come up with so that he could have time to think. Think about the news he heard earlier. The inevitable finally came, it finally dawned on him. And who was he to say no? No one. He could not say he didn’t want it to end, he could not force his management to make him stay in the show for much longer, he could not hold onto the “virtual” relationship he had built for the past year. Laughing bitterly, he poured some more to his glass. Just before the smell of the alcohol crept into his nose, his brothers already stood in the doorway. “Just what the hell are you doing?!” Minhyuk snatched his glass, looking at him furiously. “Hey, you guys are home” he managed to say, along with hiccups he let out. “You’re so drunk. What’s wrong?!” Jungshin smacked his head, hoping it would get him back to reality. “Hi… You know, I feel messed up now. Haha, can you guys believe that? Everything’s messed up!” He screamed and laughed. “The hell!! As if it doesn’t show already! Come on, I’ll take you to your room” he rebelled from Jonghyun’s grip. He tripped forward, fell flat on his nose. “HYUNG!” the three exclaimed, helping the leader to get up on his feet. “Hey, why is an ending always sad? Why is this one so freaking hurts? Why Jonghyun-ah? Why? Can you tell me?” The three scoffed, dragging him away to his room and laid him safely on his bed. “I’ll get you something for the hangover tomorrow. Go get some sleep, Hyung” and the last thing they heard was his painful scream.
=====================
“Where is Yonghwa?”
“Busy”
“WHAT?! AND YOU GUYS THINK WE ARE NOT AS BUSY AS YOU GUYS ARE?”
“We heard, we know”
“AND YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING COOL?”
“Stop shouting noona, there is nothing we can do about this”
“YEAH THERE IS!”
“Jeez, I told you to stop hurting my ears. Jonghyun hyung will talk to him tomorrow”
“Just, what is he so busy doing right now?! He’ll be just like this? Leaving as if nothing ever happened?”
“You’re wrong at that”
“YEAH? How so?”
“He’s busy getting wasted. There”
Silence.
“How bad?”
“Terrible”
Silence.
“I see, tell Jonghyun to knock on his head or something. Jonghyun is always the man with words after all”
“I get it. Bye noona, he’s vomiting already. I gotta take care of this”
“Okay”
“Noona, how is she doing?”
“Not better than him, I think. I need to take care of this bawling too. You know how much it hurts, don’t you?”
“I know. Well then, go knock hers too”
“I will let Tiffany do that. Bye now”
Click.
===================================
The morning greeted her as soon as she opened her eyes. She rolled up her blanket, closing her eyes and leaned back on her fluffy pillow. It was a beautiful morning, a sunshiny one, and total opposite from her mood right now. She thought about the words over and over again. She remembered how she had resisted to not falling. She had tried so hard to deny his charms, deny her little tingles, and blind her eyes. Until, she simply gave up. It was getting hard, and she jumped off right to the hole. It was thrilling, yes it was. But the after taste was out of her bound. It’s bitter, it’s out of control. First it was her heart betrayed her, by acknowledging every little thing he did. Then it’s her mouth, by saying things she thought she would never say. And it was her body, by feeling all sensation whenever he touched her. Soon, it was all of her systems that betrayed her, she could not think anymore. Tears again falling as she realized, It will end, soon. She’s afraid of the word ‘soon’. How fast? How will this roller coaster ride end? How will she be once the filming done with a last goodbye? How will they be? Unknowingly, she touched the butterfly necklace hanging on her neck as the pang came back. She felt dizzy, it was all spinning greatly. One thing caught her eyes, the silver ring, the ring she always wore for the past year. Now, how’s she going to take this off?
“OMO! She’s awake!” Taeyeon shouted once she barged into her room and all girls hurried back to her. “You okay?” “Do you feel anything?” “Do you need something?” All questions came at once, making her feel dizzier than she should. Sitting up, she threw a simple smile to them. “I’m okay” but her voice betrayed her. She sounded weak, so weak that her words were barely audible. “Unnie, can I have some time alone?” she needed to escape from their concern. Not now, it’s not the right time yet for sympathy, she thought to herself. They looked at each other, shook their heads at her and sat down. “The last time we let you do that…” they cleared their throats. “This happened” they pointed finger at Hyun’s pale face. She sighed. “I need it, Unnie… Please” and finally they agreed to back off for a while. With a small warning “We’ll leave. Try to not act stupid or anything” and Sunny’s smack on Yuri’s head “She’s not you!”. “Hyun, can I stay here for a while? I need to say something to you. Please, I promise it won’t take more than 5 minutes” Tiffany suddenly said, startling the others. Taeyeon gave her an encouraging smile, knowing exactly what Tiffany will say to their dearest maknae. “Let’s come out guys” the others nodded, they too knew what was going on.
“Feeling better dear?” Tiffany asked, stepping closer to the side of Seohyun’s bed. She nodded, move aside to let Tiffany sat beside her.
“Good, I’m glad” she paused for a while. “Look, Joohyun-ah. You know that I love you right? So much. And I want you to be happy. The same goes for the others” Seohyun took a deep breath and nodded.
“Maknae-ah, have you figured it out? The feeling you have for Yonghwa?”
“...”
“You know exactly what it is”
“… Yes… I know”
“So Hyun, what are you waiting for? Go tell him before it’s too late”
“No unnie, I can’t. I don’t know how he feels about me. Or even if I do, he has dreams that are more important than me. He has his music that he needs to let out, to express, things he needs to do. Much more important than me” tears were threatening to fall again.
“Aigoo, such a considerate girl, aren’t you? Well, Seo Joohyun, the way I see it…You!” Tiffany pointed at her face. “You have become part of his dream too. In the end of the road, where all of these no longer exist, you are the one who he wants to be there. When everything dies down in later years, you’ll be the one he wants to stand still, embracing him and finally be together without being afraid of the world. See, Joohyun, you are the source of his strength. His inspiration of great music he produced. Now tell me, if you take that away from him, doesn’t it feel like you take away his dream too?”
“Un-Unnie…”
“See the way he smiles whenever you’re around. Or how he beams with every little encouragement you gave in the backstage. Or how he would energetically sing in front of the audiences as if he just won a lottery every time you were there to see him perform? Are you going to take that way? You love him, and he obviously loves you too, so don’t give that away”
“…”
“Think about it Seohyun-ah, you know what’s best for you” and with that Tiffany stood up, leaving the girl alone.
=============================
Yonghwa groaned as he regained his consciousness. He felt his stomach hurt and he felt it hard to move. Every time he wanted to make a subtle action, he would feel everything spin. Reaching out for the side-table, he found some aspirin and took it without hesitating.
Knock, knock.
He stiffened.
“Hyung?”
“I’m not in the mood to talk Jonghyun”
“But we need to. I think I have to put some brain in your head”
“Get out Jonghyun, I don’t need wise words from you”
“Hyung! Why are you being so stubborn? Why are you so afraid about the ending anyway?”
Yonghwa glared at him.
“Why? Do you even have to ask why?”
“Yeah, because you see… You guys can be together if you want to. It’s just the matter of you having the guts or not”
“It’s not that simple” he scoffed.
“Oh yeah? I think it is, though. What are you so afraid of? Of the company? Of her being one of the factors that hold you back from reaching your dream? Of scandal? Be smarter, Hyung”
Yonghwa hissed, obviously annoyed. “Look, Jonghyun. We can do this next time. Save your philosophy or whatever it is for yourself now”
“Ah, seriously. You are depressed because you will end your marriage. Okay, I understand. It is if, you are not going out with her, for real. But thinking about it again, what the heck is there to prevent you guys from dating? If you are afraid of the fact that we are still rookie and dating will be inappropriate, then take this, you suck!”
He sat still, looking at his dongsaeng intently.
“Just realize what good things have happened to you when she came into your life. You won’t get those lyrics if she’s not around, right?”
He softened his expression. But still, no words came out from his mouth.
“Hyung, don’t be too afraid of the company rules. Because, you will be such an idiot if you let her go. I hate to say this… but, we won’t be here forever. We may be CNBLUE for the rest of our lives, but this glory will not last. There will be an end to it. And when it happens, what will you do? Who do you want to spend those dreary days with? Who can make everything okay even if your world starts to fall apart?”
“Her” a mere answer finally spoken. He was awakened from a dream, a realization hit him.
“I thought so. Besides, she had printed every little thing in your life. This dorm, FNC building, our recording room, our practice room, your room, your house in Busan, every street in Busan, your domakpaem family, even your high school. It’s impossible to just let go of her like that.”
With one last smirk, Jonghyun left his room while he still dozed off to his own train of thoughts.
===========================================
It took a while for both of them to think about what their respective member said. They were dawned in their stupid sadness. Stupid, because it shouldn’t be there in the first place. It wouldn’t have to be there if they wanted to change it. And that went on, until the cameras stopped rolling, until the PD said they have done a good job, until all the staffs bid them goodbye with hugs and sad eyes. And they drove off, leaving the recently divorced couple on their own. The atmosphere was depressing and the cold weather made it even worse. Silence filled the air as the only thing they heard was their breathing. Their slow breathing and their hidden sobs.
Seohyun finally let out a deep long sigh, getting ready to go back to her apartment. “Stop” his voice came out like a whisper, a painful whisper for her. She took another step. “Joohyun-ah, please. Stop where you are. You need to hear me out. I don’t want you to go like this. Not when everything is so unclear. Not when your heart is not at peace” he wrapped his arms around her, murmuring on her shoulder.
“It’s okay, Oppa. I understand. Go now, it’s late already”
“Understand what? What do you understand? What assumption do you have this time? What kind of crazy, impossible things you have on mind about my feelings now, Joohyun??!” he was upset. So upset that she kept being this thoughtful girl, ignoring her feelings and just think about him and his dongsaengs. It’s never about what she wanted when it came to this thing. It’s always about what’s best for him, what he needed, what he should do.
“Oppa… You know---“
“Shut up, Hyun. Please. Let me talk” she went silent, taking a deep breath to prepare herself. “It drives me crazy to think about us not being together. It suffocates me every time I picture my life without you. It damn hurts. It hurts” he confessed, looking right into her eyes and successfully sent her trembling. “Please for once, don’t think about what’s best for me. Don’t think about what this would do to me. Be selfish for once, Hyun. I want you to answer me honestly. What do you want from us? Where would I stand now, Hyun? Your oppa, your friend, a stranger? Answer me”
She inhaled, carefully studying his stares. “Do you want me to be selfish for once, Yong? So I can tell everything, right?” he nodded. “If I can have what I want Yong, I want you. I want us to be together. I don’t want to let go of us. I need you in my life, Oppa. That, if I am being selfish, would be my answer. The plain truth” she paused. “But…”
“I love you, Hyun” she blinked once, twice, thrice. “I really do” she froze. “I was thinking about the same thing. My dream, my band, my career, my music, everything that I painstakingly built for the past few years. Things that I finally got to achieve. But Hyun, when I finally made my dreams come true, you were there. You were the one watching me grow in this business. You were the one in the sidelines; humbly support me and my brothers. You stood there, sincerely, as my wife. Not as SNSD’s Seohyun, not just because we were bound by WGM, not out of courtesy. And I began to think about ‘what ifs’. What if I let you go? What if you slowly fade away? What if in the end, there won’t be you anymore? What if you’re really gone from my life? And those… I don’t want those. You can just kill me rather than having me going through all those stuffs”
“Oppa…”
“Hear me out, Hyun. I admit, I was stupid too for the past few weeks. But I really needed space to think clearly. And now I know, there’s nothing else I want other than being with you. I just can’t stand losing you, losing us. Oh God, I just can’t. Yes, yes I do still want CNBlue. And yes I still want to be in this entertainment world. And I still---“ he stopped, feeling her lips landed on his in a sweet, innocent kiss. He was taken aback, contemplating whether he should return the kiss or not. The table had just turned. It should be him, stealing a kiss from her. Not her, stealing a kiss from him. Oh well, it’s not like he mind anyway.
“I get it, Yong. I get it. If you didn’t stop me before, I would just say the same thing as you did. Because I want you, and I wanted to ask permission to let me be egotistic just this once. But you stole that momentum and you-“ now it’s her turn to stop, abruptly cut by his kiss. For a moment, it was just his lips landed on hers. But then she snaked her arms around his neck as he rubbed her back. He nibbled on her lower lips and she innocently, shyly and hesitantly, opened up for him. Battling tongues, rapid breathing, small sighs… and they stopped. With another small kiss on her lips, he backed away.
He put his forehead on hers, still trying to catch a breath. “I stole the momentum, alright. I am sorry”
She laughed. “I like it when you’re the first to say it”
“Oh, is that so? So you were actually expecting me to say that?”
“Well, yeah. It’ll be weird if I say it first, right? Ah cham, why are we discussing this anyway?” she slapped his arms playfully.
“You conned me” she rolled her eyes.
“There’s no such thing”
“Okay, okay, stop flaring your nose. Aigoo, look how they widen in an instant”
“Ah jinjja! I’m going up!” she stomped her feet, turning her back on him.
“Yah, Joohyun-ah!” She stopped. “Where is my goodnight kiss?” she widened her eyes.
“I can’t believe this. Few minutes ago we were still in this sooo desperate mood. And now you are even asking for a kiss”
He chuckled. “We got over that desperate mood already. Now I’m happy, too happy. Can’t you see my cheekbones bursting out? Minhyuk says they always pop out when I’m with you”
“Well, yeah, they definitely are. You look silly, Oppa.” He sulked. “It’s cute though” a grin quickly appeared on his face. She traced his face slowly, smiling to herself as she saw the man in front of her. She was feeling content, finally at ease. “I’ll miss you, Yonghwa-ah. Now, can we call it a night? We really need to rest, Oppa” he childishly pouted but then forced to nod.
“One kiss and I’ll call it a good night” he whispered in her ears with a tone that sent her blushing madly. Shyly, she placed her lips on his cheeks, onto his jawline and going lower. Her lips caught his in a lingering kiss, each didn’t want to let go.
“Hhhh, I think I need to go” She backed away, unwillingly let go of him.
“Yeah… You’ll miss me, right?”
“Everyday”
“Every hour?” she nodded. “Every minute?” she nodded. “Every second?” she nodded. “Every millisecond?” she rolled her eyes. “I’m serious, Joohyun!”
“Fine, fine! I’ll miss you every nanosecond! Now, can I go, Yong?”
“Shiro!”
“Oppa! Ah, I’m going now!”
He rushed to her, pulling her to his embrace. “Goodnight baby, I’ll miss you too. Call me tomorrow, the moment you wake up. Okay?”
She smiled, returning his hug. “O~kay”
“Yah! Why are you doing that eye-smile?!”
“Gosh this is going forever! I’m leaving oppa!” she placed a kiss on his cheek, sending him speechless and rooted on his place.
“Hyun! Hyun! Forget what I said okay?!” she frowned. “About that teddy bear I gave you. You can’t think of it as your husband. You have me!! You don’t need to think of it as me! Okay?”
She shook her head, waving to him as she reached the building door. “SEO JOOHYUN! SARANGHANDA!” she could hear him scream from outside making her giggle on her way up to her unit.
Five minutes later, Yonghwa screamed at the top of his lungs. Grinning widely and could not stop humming happy songs like he was going to make an album of his own. In his hand, was his phone with a text message read “I love you more, Yonghwa-ah~”.