2 Different Worlds
VERY VERY VERY LONG READ AHEAD!
I hope you guys don't hate me for this..
and sooo sorry for not replying comment on my previous post, livejournal has been such a pain lately :(
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Every good thing would come to an end, that’s a fact that Seo Joo Hyun knew. And there they were, standing in front of her apartment building, ready for their final goodbye for the show. For the show, she noted to herself. It’s not like they’re not gonna see each other again, not like he wouldn’t keep those regular calls and texts, not like they were over…Or were they? Her eyes turned misty on the thought of him being too far apart from her. Suddenly the air was suffocating as she walked inside the building. Gathering her courage, she turned on her heels, stepping up the door once again, unsure of what she wanted to do exactly. She just knew one thing, that she wanted to have more time with him, prolonged them being together even if it’s just for a minute. Expecting a word from him other than “take care” but the only thing he did was smile vaguely at her. The hurt in his eyes was visible, the same like she was wearing in hers. But she didn’t know, neither did he, about the thing they both wanted. Just uncertainty filled their surroundings as they didn’t speak another word. Questions left unanswered and they let it be, because she walked away to go inside and he was a coward to even utter a word. “Go safely” a dumb remark, he believed, was the only thing came from him and there he go, away from her.
Seasons changed
Months passed after that dreary night, and she had to accept that they were indeed over. The texts stopped, he stopped. The calls were getting rare, very rare that even though she was the first to call, he just didn’t pick up and he didn’t make the effort to call back either. Every encouraging message she sent to him wasn’t replied properly, sometimes not even a “Thank you” came to her phone. She got tired, eventually. To the fact that maybe, maybe, he didn’t feel the same way about her. “She just couldn’t smile anymore. Frowns and sighs off-stage and in the dorm, behind those flashing cameras, really frustrate me” Hyeoyeon once exclaimed to her sisters and the 7 girls nodded with heavy sighs surrounded them. Every now and then they would try to make the youngest happy again, but they failed miserably. She would smile, she would laugh, she would respond to their jokes but it’s not the same anymore. Everything turned bitter in her world that even though they won many awards or she gained many praises, she would still cry when she got home. Tears came flowing down like it’s the most natural thing happen in her daily life. Months, she kept up with the same routine of locking herself in her room, looking at their wedding photo shoot book, at their other memories that she safely kept on a box and again, let out cries and bawling to the quiet night. “Stop it Seo, being heartbroken is the most common thing in this world. So stop being like you’re the only one experiencing it. Stop burying yourself in the pain, and start to move on. Seriously, stop. This is unhealthy. This isn’t right. I know so damn well how it hurts, but stop mourning. Please, don’t let us suffer any longer. Don’t let yourself suffer any longer. I’m begging you” Tiffany pleaded to the youngest, looking so sad and helpless. The other sisters tagged along, sitting behind her and cried too. So the maknae had to stand up, hugging her unnies and soon joined the circle of tears. “I will try my best, unnie. I’m so sorry for acting like this for the past months, but I guess you’re right. I need to stop” and so from that night on, she swore she would find a way to let go of the pain. Her first love would not have a happy ending, she swallowed the fact hard and raw.
====As soon as he realized that she was no longer in his life, that she truly disappeared along with incoming messages or missed calls, he let out his first tears for a girl. He’s missing her so much, too much that it’s getting too suffocating. For months he kept going because no matter how many messages he didn’t reply, or how many calls he didn’t pick up or return, she would still do the same pattern. She would still send him some text the next day, and the next, and the next day after. At some point he thought he wanted her to be gone from his life, that it’s better to just be apart. It would do good for him and things around him, his dream for example. But no, in most times, like 5 minutes after he thought of that, he would come to think otherwise. He could not survive without her, he knew that, he realized that but still he did nothing. He thought she would keep going, until he was certain on what to do. Until his dream is finally achieved, or until he was no longer a rookie band. He thought she would be the same patient girl, would willingly wait for him to return her effort though no words ever came out from him. But then again, he should have known that fate was indeed cruel, or that fact was bitter that Seohyun was just an ordinary girl who would, after some time, feel tired of his nonchalant act. First day he saw that there was no text from her, he swallowed down the fear. Maybe she’s really, really, really busy, he was doing everything he could to put his mind at ease. One day, one week, one month…he broke down. Seohyun did give up, she did let go. And instead of picking up his cellphone to make one call, he just buried himself deep in his own thought, in his tears which his brothers would not see, in his own pain that he would never share and in his music which no longer could give him the calm he needed.
Last Tears
Seohyun decided to go with her unnies that night, to a high class club they chose. At first, being a very upright and inflexible girl, spending time in a night club was surely never a trait for her. She hated how there were some impolite men trying to talk to her or worse, touch her. And how some people were just so drunk that it made her feel dizzy. In short, it wasn’t a place she fancied. Just because Yuri lured her to go with them, or they would say to have a bonding time they didn’t get to do for a while, she agreed to their request. And there she was, sitting alone in their table with a cup of orange juice in her hand. Even after all these years she could not come to like alcohol. She observed the ambience of the club, much to her surprise that it wasn’t as bad. The music was nice and the people were not as annoying as she thought they would be. They got themselves an open table before moving to a private room. But unfortunately for her, before that could happen, she saw a scene she never thought she would. Upstairs, there was one man sitting on a table with his band mates, laughing and smiling so bright at them. Also, at a girl who had her hands all over him. Jung Yong Hwa, thinking about that name again made her heart clenched. She wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. She just had to witness it all, how he had this smile for another girl. No longer for her only, no longer hers. The girl wrapped her hands on his neck, and she kissed him slowly then passionately. Seohyun gasped, her eyes turned misty and her heart wanted to burst at the sight. She felt dizzy, felt everything spinning. Reality bit, she just witnessed Yonghwa moving on and was happy, without her. As he held the girl’s waist, Seohyun was fed up with all that. Running, she finally found a back door and dash out from it. She finally broke again, letting out all she had left. She cursed him, screaming to the sky, in an utter mess because she smug her mascara, hands on her face as tears came down like waterfall.
“That was a fright!” someone screamed beside her and her heart stopped for mere seconds. She looked up, finding a familiar boy standing in front of her with a clearly shocked expression. His jaw dropped on the ground and in his hand was a cigarette that he failed to start. “Seohyun-ssi?” he came closer to her, handing out his handkerchief. She felt so embarrassed, wanting to run away but she just could not, practically frozen in her spot. Taking the handkerchief, she looked away from him. “Hey, you know, crying isn’t a bad thing. You don’t have to hide it” he said again and Seohyun felt even stupider after his remark. She sat down on a square box, and he settled beside her. “Thank you” she whispered as she handed back his handkerchief. “Return to me when it’s clean. It has your make up stains all over it” Seohyun gasped at his rudeness. “Ah…ne” clearly, she was lost for words. “Seohyun-ssi, is it that bad? The pain?” he asked and she looked at him, confused. “You know, the heartbreak. I guess it’s really bad , huh? You and cursing don’t match” again, Seohyun winced in his rudeness. “But you can tell me anything, sometimes it’s better to let out your feelings to stranger rather than to your closest people. So…I’m all ears” he said. She stared at him long and hard, looking at how he took out a lighter and started to try to light on his cigarette. She sighed, didn’t know what she was doing but said “TOP-ssi, if you put down that thing, I’ll tell you everything” and with that, he smirked and stomped on his cigar.
====“Awh come on hyung! Don’t be a party pooper! Come with us, it’s been a while!” Jungshin whined to their leader until he gave up. Dragging his feet along, he finally agreed to go enjoy the night with his dongsaengs. After all, their win that night was worth a celebration. Lee Joon tagged along as well as his members and 2AM members. A boys-night-out, Minhyuk called, and he just hated to miss that. It should be fun, he thought as he entered the dim lighted club. They got themselves some alcohol drinks, but Yonghwa ordered just water. “Wow, still following the habit, huh?” Joon asked him as he sat beside his best friend, sipping on his tequila. “If you want to start that talk, I’m out of here” Yonghwa hissed. “Chill man, I was just saying you’re still keeping up with being so healthy and all. No coffee, no alcohol, no smoking, seat belt, no fried food-“ Joon stopped as soon as he saw his friend’s deadly glare. “Out of all night, you choose this night to talk about her?!” He shrugged. “I was talking about your habit, not her. And no, I did not want to prick the memories or whatever left of you and her. But seriously, you are so not over her, so why you act like you do? Be a man!” Yonghwa clenched his jaw, trying to suppress his anger. “I’m over her! Don’t talk nonsense! Watch me!” he said before setting off to the dance floor, trying to mingle with people there.
True to his words, he brought himself a girl, a very pretty girl, after spending less than 30 minutes on the dance floor. “Hey guys, this is…” he turned to the girl with an apologizing smile, he even forgot what her name was. “Jinhee, my name is Jinhee” she smiled to everyone in his table, and they all smiled back. Yonghwa tried hard to act like he was fine and enjoying Jinhee’s company, but he just wasn’t. He lost concentration on most of what she was saying as his eyes wandered around. One girl attracted him, and he had to rub his eyes to confirm that she was indeed her. He gulped down the water in front of him, his heart was beating rapidly. He observed her, how she tucked her hair behind her ears, how she smiled a little and waved to his sisters, how she drank her juice and he figured out she let out a “Ah, it’s good” and her eyes fell back to the dance floor, how she would pucker her lips as she used to do. His heart dropped upon seeing her there, real and as whole. He was going crazy, gathering all his willpower to not walking to her, to not greet her, to not look at her for another minute. But instead, he kept staring intently, ignoring how Jinhee talked to him in seductive tone, kissing his earlobes. Without him knowing, his members looked at where he was looking, finding the same sight and gasped. “Oh no” Jonghyun murmured, while Jungshin and Minhyuk sighed loudly. Just then, he saw Seohyun’s head turned to his side, so he turned away pretending to chat happily with the others and find Jinhee’s lips on his’. And with wicked thought on his mind, he kissed her back. Get jealous, get mad, come to me, curse me, kick me, hit me, come on Hyun-ah. Do something, please, he was pleading in his head, didn’t care about the kiss at all. He just knew he had to act like he was kissing this girl passionately to irk the unmoving girl downstairs. 15 minutes, then he broke away, his eyes went to search for her. But no, instead of seeing her with any expression he would like to read, he found an empty table. She was gone, with no traces, he let her slip from his sight again. “I have to go” he said, startling Jinhee. “But…” he stopped her. “Sorry” then he went off with one thing in mind, he had to find Seohyun.
If Only
“Seohyunnie!!” Daesung screamed with a big grin on his face. His hair was put up in cool spike. “Oh, Annyeonghaseyo Oppa” she smiled and bowed slightly to him. Behind him, the other big bang members started to rush out from their waiting room. The eldest among them smiled upon seeing the petite figure in front of him. Her hands were full with 5 doshiraks as well as, he believed, boxes of kimbap she specially prepared for the group.
“Are you our cookery now?” he asked, reaching out his hands to help her.
“Oh, I think I got the wrong group. Should I give it to 2AM instead?” she challenged him with her eyes.
“Joohyun” he warned softly, didn’t like the joke she tried to utter. Jinwoon, after all, still was a sensitive matter for him.
“Gosh, even when you guys are bickering, we still envy you! Spare us please, no PDA whatsoever” GD scoffed from behind, taking his share of doshirak. As soon as their leader walked away, the other members surrounded TOP to take their lunch.
“Seohyun-ah, komawo” Taeyang said with a smile, patting her shoulder then walked back to their room.
“Woah! You are the best Hyungsoonim!!” Seungri looked at his food, clearly satisfied at what he was seeing.
“Must be hard on you! Thank you so much, Seohyun-ah” Daesung walked away from the couple, in his face was a never ending smile.
“You spoil them” TOP hissed beside her, hands on her waist as he pulled her closer. Unaware of the eyes looking at them, Seohyun laughed, placing her hand on his chest.
“They like to be spoiled, don’t they?” He rolled his eyes.
“Don’t make them love you too much, Joohyun-ah” he said in whisper, hugging her close.
“And why is that, Seunghyun-ssi?” she pulled away, frowning at him.
“I’ll be screwed if you leave me. Be them love you or not, I’ll still be screwed” he whispered, lowering his head. Those words successfully melt her heart, feeling the familiar butterflies in her stomach. She was blushing. Uncertain on what to say or what to do, she just snaked her hands on his neck, pulling him into another hug.
“You don’t know how much you mean to me. You just have no idea oppa” she murmured and he stiffened.
“What was that?” he looked at her dubiously.
“WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT PDA, HYUNG?!” GD appeared from their room, looking at the oldest with disbelief look. He motioned them to look around, there they realized that people were looking at them. Some were giggling, some were pouting, some looked with envy, some even seemed like disgusted. “OH MY GOSH!” she exclaimed while the other 4 members nodded with a “Yep you just did it in public” look. “Rehearsal now, hyung! Gosh, tone down that lovey-dovey act a bit, will you? Rubbing salt on our wounds will not do anything good to anyone” Seungri whined, walking away from them. “We’re so sorry” Seohyun and TOP bowed to the people around them, clearing their throat out of the shame. “You caused this” she whispered. “You hugged me, Joohyun-ssi! Don’t you remember?” his wicked smile made her, again, blush. “Go do your rehearsal now, Oppa!” she slapped his arm playfully and he laughed out loud. “Be good while you wait for me, girl. Don’t you dare go to 2AM waiting room” he said the last sentence in low voice, almost inaudible. “You and your jealousy” she rolled her eyes, pushing him a little. “And don’t you dare go to---“ he hesitated for a while but she knew it well. She knew who he was talking about. “I won’t go to 2AM room, CNBLUE, or any other male artists. So set your mind at peace and go do your rehearsal Seunghyun-ah. Fighting!” she held her fist high and smiled so sweetly at him. “Don’t do that! You’ll distract me from rapping the right lines”. “Do what?” her and her innocence. “That smile”. She groaned, “Go now”. “Yes ma’am” and with one last wink, TOP went off to his awaiting members. From the side, she could see him waving at her with the biggest smile ever. She felt content, finally happy and complete again. That time she knew, she has given her heart to that man on stage. And she hoped he would never break her heart like Yonghwa did.
====The boys were relaxing a bit in their waiting room. Getting their makeup done and changing their clothes, they boys looked more even nervous than ever. This would be their comeback after such a long time, and they were trying to calm their nerves. Jungshin gulped down much water since they arrived at SBS, Minhyuk was pacing around in their room while playing with his fingers, Jonghyun was always the calm one as he was just practicing his singing and playing his guitar, and their leader? He was expressionless. Like rock, he just sat on his chair, looking at the distant. He looked over again at the lyric of their song. Not that he didn’t remember it by heart, but it’s just that the song had a very deep meaning for him. About a boy, who regretted a decision to break up with his girlfriend, desperately wanted her back but foolishly did not do anything about it. The boy, as described in the song, just realized that time washed off her feelings for him and he could do nothing about it. Very spot on. Yonghwa sighed as his eyes welled up on the thought of her again. Geez, it’s been years and he still could not move on. The sound of her nagging sometimes still haunted him, the image of her laughing at him, playfully slapping his arm, or how she would call his mother to ask how she had been. Regrets kept piling up and he just didn’t dare to admit. Oh well, who was he kidding? Even his mom would pity her coward son, knowing that even after all these times, Seohyun was still the girl he loved by heart. Seohyun was still his main inspiration, still his breather. Taking a deep breath, he finally stood up. Wanting to get some fresh air, he walked out of his room. Just then he saw a girl with long wavy her whose figure was so familiar that it hurt his heart to its core. The girl, who was too stunning for his eyes, was waving and clapping to the artist performing on stage. He shifted his gaze to where her eyes darted on and found BIGBANG performing their newest single.
His heart sank, Seohyun was cheering on them. How he wished she would do the same to his band. How he wished she would still be like that, sending a “Fighting! You can do it, Yong!” to him and patted his back with loving smile. And that hit him. Seohyun was there, cheering on BIGBANG with a look he was very familiar with, means she cheered on someone in particular. He gulped down the lump on his throat, deciding to spy on her a little while more. Once BIGBANG finished their song, Yonghwa could see the members gave high-five to her and they all laughed happily. He cursed, picturing that it would be him and his members who got that kind of attention. He remembered how Seohyun used to be there when he stepped down the stage and how his members would chat with her with big grins as she said “You guys look cool! Jjang!”. Again, he heaved a sigh. “Aigoo, don’t pout oppa! You didn’t do any mistakes” he heard her said and quickly looked up. He almost, almost, lost his control as he saw Seohyun brushed TOP’s cheeks gently, giving him encouraging smile. “I didn’t?” TOP asked. “No you didn’t. So stop being a whining baby and let’s go to your room” Seohyun took his hand and Yonghwa wanted to jump to break their intertwined fingers. “Hey, Joohyun-ah” TOP gave his girlfriend a playful look. “You sure you don’t wanna hug me like you did earlier?” Yonghwa could see her blushing at TOP’s words. “Choi Seunghyun, aren’t you getting full of yourself, now?” she asked in ever-so-sweetly voice, making Yonghwa shivered. “I was just tasting the water” TOP muttered, taking her hands to his and started to walk away. The next thing she did was unexpected for both TOP and Yonghwa. Just, one man was in state of bliss and one was practically thrown into hell. In front of his very own eyes, Seohyun wrapped her arm on TOP’s and said “You did great, Seunghyun-ah. Now, can we go?” TOP grinned while Yonghwa? He was miserable in the dark corner, taking out his anger by clenching his jaw so hard and moving his fingers furiously. He was so sure he would not be able to perform well that day.
Closure
The pair stepped into the hall hand-in-hand. Their steps were in rhythm as they stick to each other. There were murmurs and whispers about how good they looked together. Seohyun looked up to see how good Sooyoung and Siwon looked in their wedding dress. She reached out her hands to hug them. “Gosh Unnieeeeeee!!” she squealed. “You are so pretty!!” she added on. Sooyoung smiled at her, shaking her head. “You know what Joohyun-ah? I never thought you could squeal that high. What did you do to her?” she addressed the question to the tall man beside the maknae and he was all smile. “Opening her up a bit, maybe” TOP said proudly and hugged his sister and brother in law. “Congratulations, you two. Make pretty babies together and live happily ever after” he smirked, gaining a punch on his arm. “Thank you, Seunghyun-ah. Babe, we have to-“ Sooyoung nodded before he finished and the pair quickly made their way to the other guests. TOP and Seohyun on the other hand, stood where they were. His hand on her waist as they tease and talked happily. Suddenly, she stiffened, looking at the entrance. Yonghwa was there, along with his brothers and was looking good. She held her breath as their eyes met. TOP realized the changes in her and he followed her eyes. He too, held his breath as his heart pounded very fast. “Joohyun-ah?” ever so carefully, TOP nudged her. “It’s time, Oppa” she simply stated. “Time? For what?” he was confused and scared. “For a closure I had been dying to have. Me and him, we started as friends. And losing him as one of my best friend as well as losing his members as my friends was kind of…off. I want to settle everything we had in the past, being friends like we used to. I think…it’s time” TOP was moving uncomfortably in his place, but he knew that he too needed it. The closure, be it painful or not. He had been living in uncertainty and doubts that he could not wash away. He too needed to be sure of her feeling. Not that he was questioning her love, it’s just that he needed to know if he had her heart in whole.
“Go to him, talk to him, and settle anything you guys need to. I wish I can do that easily, Joohyun. But I just…it’s hard. You know that right? It’s-“ Seohyun stopped him by sealing his lips with hers, making him surprised. “Now, now. Is my boyfriend doubting me?” he shook his head. “It’s not that. Just… you know? You could waver” gently, she cupped his face, forcing him to look at her. “I will not. Have a faith in me” she smiled at him. “If I have to fight teeth and nails to keep you with me, I will” Seohyun rolled her eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes on me, Seo Joohyun”. “Now I’m not even allowed to do that?” TOP flicked her head a lightly. “Don’t worry. It’s all for good. Relax, Oppa” she kissed his cheeks and he nodded, sending her off to walk towards Yonghwa. “By the way, just so you know… I love you Choi Seunghyun. There, do you think I want to live without you, now? No way” she smiled, leaving the man speechless with face as red as cooked crab. “Hyung! EW YOU ARE BLUSHING!” Seungri screamed beside him and TOP had to smack his head so hard.
====Jungshin gasped as soon as he caught the glimpse of her walking to them. Minhyuk bit his lips to the point where it bleed a little. Jonghyun cleared his throat nervously. And the last, Yonghwa, was busy controlling his heartbeat which he failed miserably. 5 steps more and she would reach them with a smile on her face. They gulped, she looked so beautiful than ever. So happy, so content, so relax, so different from their leader. “Hi” she greeted them shyly while they just bowed. “It’s been a long time” she started again and the 4 dumbfounded men just nodded. “Can I talk to Yonghwa Oppa for a moment?” Upon hearing his name, Yonghwa jerked up a bit. Just my name and you had me all over again, he sighed secretly at his own though. “Sure! I mean, sure… Right hyung?” Jungshin quickly made up for his blunder. Thankfully, their leader nodded and followed Seohyun to a quiet corner.
“So…Uh… How have you been?” Yonghwa started as soon as they settled on their respective chairs.
“Good Oppa. How have you been?” she smiled, the smile that could make his stomach turned upside down.
“Uh… Good” he shifted uncomfortably.
“It’s been such a long time”
“You have no idea”
“What was that, Oppa?”
“Uh… nothing” he felt very stupid at that time because most of his word was just “Uh”
“Well, Oppa… Can I be very honest here? I guess it’s time… Don’t you think?”
“Shoot away” he assured her.
“Well, as you probably know. Haha, doesn’t this feel so formal and awkward? Ah, fine, I’ll continue” she paused a while. “Hm, so Oppa, you know how we haven’t spoken since… well, since a long time ago after WGM ended. To be very frank, I really, really liked you back then. Loved you, maybe. But I see you just didn’t feel the same so I gave up. Honestly, yeah, it took such a long time for me to get over you, to get over us and our memory. But I did, and I am glad. I was avoiding you and maybe you did too. I don’t know still what you felt or thought about me, and so it dragged on to these little actions where we would just look away every time we met. But I’m sick of that, Oppa. Thinking about it again, before I came to love you, we were such good friends. The one I could share everything with. And I have your members as my friend too. Once it’s gone, I came to a realization that… I miss you guys as my friends. So…Ummm…”
“You want to be friend with us?” he finished for her, swallowing the bitterness.
“If you allow me to”
“Sure, why not?” he didn’t know how he could agree on that, but he just did. Maybe it would be the only way to get over her.
“Really?? Oh thank you, Oppa! I’m sorry for whatever happened to us in the past. But… we got over it, didn’t we?” she laughed, making Yonghwa shivered.
“Yeah we did. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drag you around or hurt you. I’m really sorry”
“Aigoo~ It doesn’t matter anymore. Now, since we are cool, should we go to your members?” It matters to me, Hyun-ah, those words never came out from him. Instead, he followed her behind.
Letting go, forever
“Woah you are beautiful!” Minhyuk barged into the room to see her for one last time before she walked down the aisle. “Thank you, Minhyuk-ah!” she hugged him and turned to his brothers behind. “Woooo, the goddess is here!!” Jungshin clapped his hands enthusiastically. She laughed and hugged him too. Behind him, Jonghyun stood with a big grin. “Indeed, a goddess” he said, hugging her a little too. Yonghwa, whom they forced to go along, whom they forced to face the reality, just sat on one of the couches and gave a bitter smile. “Someone’s not feeling good today?” She asked their leader and he just shook his head. “Nah, it’s just that I composed this song until late at night. I feel a little restless, but fine” she just nodded and beamed at him. “It’s time, Seohyun-ah!! Come on! Your dad is in front!” Jessica screamed from the door and the bride stood almost too immediately, tripping a little. Thanks to a pair of hands that hold her waist, she didn’t fall flat on her face. “Woah, thank you, Oppa”. “Yah, easy there. Excited much?” Yonghwa attempted to joke with her, but he could not even believe his own voice. Their little skinship electrified him. He was sweating inside, feeling nauseous all of the sudden. “It’s my wedding! Of course I’m excited” she pouted at him. “I got it, Hyun. Now off we go, okay?” she nodded happily and walked to Jessica, taking her hands and giggled, leaving one man crumpled in his place. Breaking down as he heard her laughing in joy.
“You had your chance, Hyung. Years ago. But you blew it. And the next thing you knew was that she loved someone else and about to get married to him now. So stop your misery, go look at them and accept it. It’s time to move on. If only you weren’t as stupid” Jonghyun said one last time, before letting his Hyung immersed in his own tears that he had been hiding all those years. The pain was still there, this time it even worse. If only he wasn’t as stupid.
I hope you guys don't hate me for this..
and sooo sorry for not replying comment on my previous post, livejournal has been such a pain lately :(
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Every good thing would come to an end, that’s a fact that Seo Joo Hyun knew. And there they were, standing in front of her apartment building, ready for their final goodbye for the show. For the show, she noted to herself. It’s not like they’re not gonna see each other again, not like he wouldn’t keep those regular calls and texts, not like they were over…Or were they? Her eyes turned misty on the thought of him being too far apart from her. Suddenly the air was suffocating as she walked inside the building. Gathering her courage, she turned on her heels, stepping up the door once again, unsure of what she wanted to do exactly. She just knew one thing, that she wanted to have more time with him, prolonged them being together even if it’s just for a minute. Expecting a word from him other than “take care” but the only thing he did was smile vaguely at her. The hurt in his eyes was visible, the same like she was wearing in hers. But she didn’t know, neither did he, about the thing they both wanted. Just uncertainty filled their surroundings as they didn’t speak another word. Questions left unanswered and they let it be, because she walked away to go inside and he was a coward to even utter a word. “Go safely” a dumb remark, he believed, was the only thing came from him and there he go, away from her.
Seasons changed
Months passed after that dreary night, and she had to accept that they were indeed over. The texts stopped, he stopped. The calls were getting rare, very rare that even though she was the first to call, he just didn’t pick up and he didn’t make the effort to call back either. Every encouraging message she sent to him wasn’t replied properly, sometimes not even a “Thank you” came to her phone. She got tired, eventually. To the fact that maybe, maybe, he didn’t feel the same way about her. “She just couldn’t smile anymore. Frowns and sighs off-stage and in the dorm, behind those flashing cameras, really frustrate me” Hyeoyeon once exclaimed to her sisters and the 7 girls nodded with heavy sighs surrounded them. Every now and then they would try to make the youngest happy again, but they failed miserably. She would smile, she would laugh, she would respond to their jokes but it’s not the same anymore. Everything turned bitter in her world that even though they won many awards or she gained many praises, she would still cry when she got home. Tears came flowing down like it’s the most natural thing happen in her daily life. Months, she kept up with the same routine of locking herself in her room, looking at their wedding photo shoot book, at their other memories that she safely kept on a box and again, let out cries and bawling to the quiet night. “Stop it Seo, being heartbroken is the most common thing in this world. So stop being like you’re the only one experiencing it. Stop burying yourself in the pain, and start to move on. Seriously, stop. This is unhealthy. This isn’t right. I know so damn well how it hurts, but stop mourning. Please, don’t let us suffer any longer. Don’t let yourself suffer any longer. I’m begging you” Tiffany pleaded to the youngest, looking so sad and helpless. The other sisters tagged along, sitting behind her and cried too. So the maknae had to stand up, hugging her unnies and soon joined the circle of tears. “I will try my best, unnie. I’m so sorry for acting like this for the past months, but I guess you’re right. I need to stop” and so from that night on, she swore she would find a way to let go of the pain. Her first love would not have a happy ending, she swallowed the fact hard and raw.
====As soon as he realized that she was no longer in his life, that she truly disappeared along with incoming messages or missed calls, he let out his first tears for a girl. He’s missing her so much, too much that it’s getting too suffocating. For months he kept going because no matter how many messages he didn’t reply, or how many calls he didn’t pick up or return, she would still do the same pattern. She would still send him some text the next day, and the next, and the next day after. At some point he thought he wanted her to be gone from his life, that it’s better to just be apart. It would do good for him and things around him, his dream for example. But no, in most times, like 5 minutes after he thought of that, he would come to think otherwise. He could not survive without her, he knew that, he realized that but still he did nothing. He thought she would keep going, until he was certain on what to do. Until his dream is finally achieved, or until he was no longer a rookie band. He thought she would be the same patient girl, would willingly wait for him to return her effort though no words ever came out from him. But then again, he should have known that fate was indeed cruel, or that fact was bitter that Seohyun was just an ordinary girl who would, after some time, feel tired of his nonchalant act. First day he saw that there was no text from her, he swallowed down the fear. Maybe she’s really, really, really busy, he was doing everything he could to put his mind at ease. One day, one week, one month…he broke down. Seohyun did give up, she did let go. And instead of picking up his cellphone to make one call, he just buried himself deep in his own thought, in his tears which his brothers would not see, in his own pain that he would never share and in his music which no longer could give him the calm he needed.
Last Tears
Seohyun decided to go with her unnies that night, to a high class club they chose. At first, being a very upright and inflexible girl, spending time in a night club was surely never a trait for her. She hated how there were some impolite men trying to talk to her or worse, touch her. And how some people were just so drunk that it made her feel dizzy. In short, it wasn’t a place she fancied. Just because Yuri lured her to go with them, or they would say to have a bonding time they didn’t get to do for a while, she agreed to their request. And there she was, sitting alone in their table with a cup of orange juice in her hand. Even after all these years she could not come to like alcohol. She observed the ambience of the club, much to her surprise that it wasn’t as bad. The music was nice and the people were not as annoying as she thought they would be. They got themselves an open table before moving to a private room. But unfortunately for her, before that could happen, she saw a scene she never thought she would. Upstairs, there was one man sitting on a table with his band mates, laughing and smiling so bright at them. Also, at a girl who had her hands all over him. Jung Yong Hwa, thinking about that name again made her heart clenched. She wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. She just had to witness it all, how he had this smile for another girl. No longer for her only, no longer hers. The girl wrapped her hands on his neck, and she kissed him slowly then passionately. Seohyun gasped, her eyes turned misty and her heart wanted to burst at the sight. She felt dizzy, felt everything spinning. Reality bit, she just witnessed Yonghwa moving on and was happy, without her. As he held the girl’s waist, Seohyun was fed up with all that. Running, she finally found a back door and dash out from it. She finally broke again, letting out all she had left. She cursed him, screaming to the sky, in an utter mess because she smug her mascara, hands on her face as tears came down like waterfall.
“That was a fright!” someone screamed beside her and her heart stopped for mere seconds. She looked up, finding a familiar boy standing in front of her with a clearly shocked expression. His jaw dropped on the ground and in his hand was a cigarette that he failed to start. “Seohyun-ssi?” he came closer to her, handing out his handkerchief. She felt so embarrassed, wanting to run away but she just could not, practically frozen in her spot. Taking the handkerchief, she looked away from him. “Hey, you know, crying isn’t a bad thing. You don’t have to hide it” he said again and Seohyun felt even stupider after his remark. She sat down on a square box, and he settled beside her. “Thank you” she whispered as she handed back his handkerchief. “Return to me when it’s clean. It has your make up stains all over it” Seohyun gasped at his rudeness. “Ah…ne” clearly, she was lost for words. “Seohyun-ssi, is it that bad? The pain?” he asked and she looked at him, confused. “You know, the heartbreak. I guess it’s really bad , huh? You and cursing don’t match” again, Seohyun winced in his rudeness. “But you can tell me anything, sometimes it’s better to let out your feelings to stranger rather than to your closest people. So…I’m all ears” he said. She stared at him long and hard, looking at how he took out a lighter and started to try to light on his cigarette. She sighed, didn’t know what she was doing but said “TOP-ssi, if you put down that thing, I’ll tell you everything” and with that, he smirked and stomped on his cigar.
====“Awh come on hyung! Don’t be a party pooper! Come with us, it’s been a while!” Jungshin whined to their leader until he gave up. Dragging his feet along, he finally agreed to go enjoy the night with his dongsaengs. After all, their win that night was worth a celebration. Lee Joon tagged along as well as his members and 2AM members. A boys-night-out, Minhyuk called, and he just hated to miss that. It should be fun, he thought as he entered the dim lighted club. They got themselves some alcohol drinks, but Yonghwa ordered just water. “Wow, still following the habit, huh?” Joon asked him as he sat beside his best friend, sipping on his tequila. “If you want to start that talk, I’m out of here” Yonghwa hissed. “Chill man, I was just saying you’re still keeping up with being so healthy and all. No coffee, no alcohol, no smoking, seat belt, no fried food-“ Joon stopped as soon as he saw his friend’s deadly glare. “Out of all night, you choose this night to talk about her?!” He shrugged. “I was talking about your habit, not her. And no, I did not want to prick the memories or whatever left of you and her. But seriously, you are so not over her, so why you act like you do? Be a man!” Yonghwa clenched his jaw, trying to suppress his anger. “I’m over her! Don’t talk nonsense! Watch me!” he said before setting off to the dance floor, trying to mingle with people there.
True to his words, he brought himself a girl, a very pretty girl, after spending less than 30 minutes on the dance floor. “Hey guys, this is…” he turned to the girl with an apologizing smile, he even forgot what her name was. “Jinhee, my name is Jinhee” she smiled to everyone in his table, and they all smiled back. Yonghwa tried hard to act like he was fine and enjoying Jinhee’s company, but he just wasn’t. He lost concentration on most of what she was saying as his eyes wandered around. One girl attracted him, and he had to rub his eyes to confirm that she was indeed her. He gulped down the water in front of him, his heart was beating rapidly. He observed her, how she tucked her hair behind her ears, how she smiled a little and waved to his sisters, how she drank her juice and he figured out she let out a “Ah, it’s good” and her eyes fell back to the dance floor, how she would pucker her lips as she used to do. His heart dropped upon seeing her there, real and as whole. He was going crazy, gathering all his willpower to not walking to her, to not greet her, to not look at her for another minute. But instead, he kept staring intently, ignoring how Jinhee talked to him in seductive tone, kissing his earlobes. Without him knowing, his members looked at where he was looking, finding the same sight and gasped. “Oh no” Jonghyun murmured, while Jungshin and Minhyuk sighed loudly. Just then, he saw Seohyun’s head turned to his side, so he turned away pretending to chat happily with the others and find Jinhee’s lips on his’. And with wicked thought on his mind, he kissed her back. Get jealous, get mad, come to me, curse me, kick me, hit me, come on Hyun-ah. Do something, please, he was pleading in his head, didn’t care about the kiss at all. He just knew he had to act like he was kissing this girl passionately to irk the unmoving girl downstairs. 15 minutes, then he broke away, his eyes went to search for her. But no, instead of seeing her with any expression he would like to read, he found an empty table. She was gone, with no traces, he let her slip from his sight again. “I have to go” he said, startling Jinhee. “But…” he stopped her. “Sorry” then he went off with one thing in mind, he had to find Seohyun.
If Only
“Seohyunnie!!” Daesung screamed with a big grin on his face. His hair was put up in cool spike. “Oh, Annyeonghaseyo Oppa” she smiled and bowed slightly to him. Behind him, the other big bang members started to rush out from their waiting room. The eldest among them smiled upon seeing the petite figure in front of him. Her hands were full with 5 doshiraks as well as, he believed, boxes of kimbap she specially prepared for the group.
“Are you our cookery now?” he asked, reaching out his hands to help her.
“Oh, I think I got the wrong group. Should I give it to 2AM instead?” she challenged him with her eyes.
“Joohyun” he warned softly, didn’t like the joke she tried to utter. Jinwoon, after all, still was a sensitive matter for him.
“Gosh, even when you guys are bickering, we still envy you! Spare us please, no PDA whatsoever” GD scoffed from behind, taking his share of doshirak. As soon as their leader walked away, the other members surrounded TOP to take their lunch.
“Seohyun-ah, komawo” Taeyang said with a smile, patting her shoulder then walked back to their room.
“Woah! You are the best Hyungsoonim!!” Seungri looked at his food, clearly satisfied at what he was seeing.
“Must be hard on you! Thank you so much, Seohyun-ah” Daesung walked away from the couple, in his face was a never ending smile.
“You spoil them” TOP hissed beside her, hands on her waist as he pulled her closer. Unaware of the eyes looking at them, Seohyun laughed, placing her hand on his chest.
“They like to be spoiled, don’t they?” He rolled his eyes.
“Don’t make them love you too much, Joohyun-ah” he said in whisper, hugging her close.
“And why is that, Seunghyun-ssi?” she pulled away, frowning at him.
“I’ll be screwed if you leave me. Be them love you or not, I’ll still be screwed” he whispered, lowering his head. Those words successfully melt her heart, feeling the familiar butterflies in her stomach. She was blushing. Uncertain on what to say or what to do, she just snaked her hands on his neck, pulling him into another hug.
“You don’t know how much you mean to me. You just have no idea oppa” she murmured and he stiffened.
“What was that?” he looked at her dubiously.
“WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT PDA, HYUNG?!” GD appeared from their room, looking at the oldest with disbelief look. He motioned them to look around, there they realized that people were looking at them. Some were giggling, some were pouting, some looked with envy, some even seemed like disgusted. “OH MY GOSH!” she exclaimed while the other 4 members nodded with a “Yep you just did it in public” look. “Rehearsal now, hyung! Gosh, tone down that lovey-dovey act a bit, will you? Rubbing salt on our wounds will not do anything good to anyone” Seungri whined, walking away from them. “We’re so sorry” Seohyun and TOP bowed to the people around them, clearing their throat out of the shame. “You caused this” she whispered. “You hugged me, Joohyun-ssi! Don’t you remember?” his wicked smile made her, again, blush. “Go do your rehearsal now, Oppa!” she slapped his arm playfully and he laughed out loud. “Be good while you wait for me, girl. Don’t you dare go to 2AM waiting room” he said the last sentence in low voice, almost inaudible. “You and your jealousy” she rolled her eyes, pushing him a little. “And don’t you dare go to---“ he hesitated for a while but she knew it well. She knew who he was talking about. “I won’t go to 2AM room, CNBLUE, or any other male artists. So set your mind at peace and go do your rehearsal Seunghyun-ah. Fighting!” she held her fist high and smiled so sweetly at him. “Don’t do that! You’ll distract me from rapping the right lines”. “Do what?” her and her innocence. “That smile”. She groaned, “Go now”. “Yes ma’am” and with one last wink, TOP went off to his awaiting members. From the side, she could see him waving at her with the biggest smile ever. She felt content, finally happy and complete again. That time she knew, she has given her heart to that man on stage. And she hoped he would never break her heart like Yonghwa did.
====The boys were relaxing a bit in their waiting room. Getting their makeup done and changing their clothes, they boys looked more even nervous than ever. This would be their comeback after such a long time, and they were trying to calm their nerves. Jungshin gulped down much water since they arrived at SBS, Minhyuk was pacing around in their room while playing with his fingers, Jonghyun was always the calm one as he was just practicing his singing and playing his guitar, and their leader? He was expressionless. Like rock, he just sat on his chair, looking at the distant. He looked over again at the lyric of their song. Not that he didn’t remember it by heart, but it’s just that the song had a very deep meaning for him. About a boy, who regretted a decision to break up with his girlfriend, desperately wanted her back but foolishly did not do anything about it. The boy, as described in the song, just realized that time washed off her feelings for him and he could do nothing about it. Very spot on. Yonghwa sighed as his eyes welled up on the thought of her again. Geez, it’s been years and he still could not move on. The sound of her nagging sometimes still haunted him, the image of her laughing at him, playfully slapping his arm, or how she would call his mother to ask how she had been. Regrets kept piling up and he just didn’t dare to admit. Oh well, who was he kidding? Even his mom would pity her coward son, knowing that even after all these times, Seohyun was still the girl he loved by heart. Seohyun was still his main inspiration, still his breather. Taking a deep breath, he finally stood up. Wanting to get some fresh air, he walked out of his room. Just then he saw a girl with long wavy her whose figure was so familiar that it hurt his heart to its core. The girl, who was too stunning for his eyes, was waving and clapping to the artist performing on stage. He shifted his gaze to where her eyes darted on and found BIGBANG performing their newest single.
His heart sank, Seohyun was cheering on them. How he wished she would do the same to his band. How he wished she would still be like that, sending a “Fighting! You can do it, Yong!” to him and patted his back with loving smile. And that hit him. Seohyun was there, cheering on BIGBANG with a look he was very familiar with, means she cheered on someone in particular. He gulped down the lump on his throat, deciding to spy on her a little while more. Once BIGBANG finished their song, Yonghwa could see the members gave high-five to her and they all laughed happily. He cursed, picturing that it would be him and his members who got that kind of attention. He remembered how Seohyun used to be there when he stepped down the stage and how his members would chat with her with big grins as she said “You guys look cool! Jjang!”. Again, he heaved a sigh. “Aigoo, don’t pout oppa! You didn’t do any mistakes” he heard her said and quickly looked up. He almost, almost, lost his control as he saw Seohyun brushed TOP’s cheeks gently, giving him encouraging smile. “I didn’t?” TOP asked. “No you didn’t. So stop being a whining baby and let’s go to your room” Seohyun took his hand and Yonghwa wanted to jump to break their intertwined fingers. “Hey, Joohyun-ah” TOP gave his girlfriend a playful look. “You sure you don’t wanna hug me like you did earlier?” Yonghwa could see her blushing at TOP’s words. “Choi Seunghyun, aren’t you getting full of yourself, now?” she asked in ever-so-sweetly voice, making Yonghwa shivered. “I was just tasting the water” TOP muttered, taking her hands to his and started to walk away. The next thing she did was unexpected for both TOP and Yonghwa. Just, one man was in state of bliss and one was practically thrown into hell. In front of his very own eyes, Seohyun wrapped her arm on TOP’s and said “You did great, Seunghyun-ah. Now, can we go?” TOP grinned while Yonghwa? He was miserable in the dark corner, taking out his anger by clenching his jaw so hard and moving his fingers furiously. He was so sure he would not be able to perform well that day.
Closure
The pair stepped into the hall hand-in-hand. Their steps were in rhythm as they stick to each other. There were murmurs and whispers about how good they looked together. Seohyun looked up to see how good Sooyoung and Siwon looked in their wedding dress. She reached out her hands to hug them. “Gosh Unnieeeeeee!!” she squealed. “You are so pretty!!” she added on. Sooyoung smiled at her, shaking her head. “You know what Joohyun-ah? I never thought you could squeal that high. What did you do to her?” she addressed the question to the tall man beside the maknae and he was all smile. “Opening her up a bit, maybe” TOP said proudly and hugged his sister and brother in law. “Congratulations, you two. Make pretty babies together and live happily ever after” he smirked, gaining a punch on his arm. “Thank you, Seunghyun-ah. Babe, we have to-“ Sooyoung nodded before he finished and the pair quickly made their way to the other guests. TOP and Seohyun on the other hand, stood where they were. His hand on her waist as they tease and talked happily. Suddenly, she stiffened, looking at the entrance. Yonghwa was there, along with his brothers and was looking good. She held her breath as their eyes met. TOP realized the changes in her and he followed her eyes. He too, held his breath as his heart pounded very fast. “Joohyun-ah?” ever so carefully, TOP nudged her. “It’s time, Oppa” she simply stated. “Time? For what?” he was confused and scared. “For a closure I had been dying to have. Me and him, we started as friends. And losing him as one of my best friend as well as losing his members as my friends was kind of…off. I want to settle everything we had in the past, being friends like we used to. I think…it’s time” TOP was moving uncomfortably in his place, but he knew that he too needed it. The closure, be it painful or not. He had been living in uncertainty and doubts that he could not wash away. He too needed to be sure of her feeling. Not that he was questioning her love, it’s just that he needed to know if he had her heart in whole.
“Go to him, talk to him, and settle anything you guys need to. I wish I can do that easily, Joohyun. But I just…it’s hard. You know that right? It’s-“ Seohyun stopped him by sealing his lips with hers, making him surprised. “Now, now. Is my boyfriend doubting me?” he shook his head. “It’s not that. Just… you know? You could waver” gently, she cupped his face, forcing him to look at her. “I will not. Have a faith in me” she smiled at him. “If I have to fight teeth and nails to keep you with me, I will” Seohyun rolled her eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes on me, Seo Joohyun”. “Now I’m not even allowed to do that?” TOP flicked her head a lightly. “Don’t worry. It’s all for good. Relax, Oppa” she kissed his cheeks and he nodded, sending her off to walk towards Yonghwa. “By the way, just so you know… I love you Choi Seunghyun. There, do you think I want to live without you, now? No way” she smiled, leaving the man speechless with face as red as cooked crab. “Hyung! EW YOU ARE BLUSHING!” Seungri screamed beside him and TOP had to smack his head so hard.
====Jungshin gasped as soon as he caught the glimpse of her walking to them. Minhyuk bit his lips to the point where it bleed a little. Jonghyun cleared his throat nervously. And the last, Yonghwa, was busy controlling his heartbeat which he failed miserably. 5 steps more and she would reach them with a smile on her face. They gulped, she looked so beautiful than ever. So happy, so content, so relax, so different from their leader. “Hi” she greeted them shyly while they just bowed. “It’s been a long time” she started again and the 4 dumbfounded men just nodded. “Can I talk to Yonghwa Oppa for a moment?” Upon hearing his name, Yonghwa jerked up a bit. Just my name and you had me all over again, he sighed secretly at his own though. “Sure! I mean, sure… Right hyung?” Jungshin quickly made up for his blunder. Thankfully, their leader nodded and followed Seohyun to a quiet corner.
“So…Uh… How have you been?” Yonghwa started as soon as they settled on their respective chairs.
“Good Oppa. How have you been?” she smiled, the smile that could make his stomach turned upside down.
“Uh… Good” he shifted uncomfortably.
“It’s been such a long time”
“You have no idea”
“What was that, Oppa?”
“Uh… nothing” he felt very stupid at that time because most of his word was just “Uh”
“Well, Oppa… Can I be very honest here? I guess it’s time… Don’t you think?”
“Shoot away” he assured her.
“Well, as you probably know. Haha, doesn’t this feel so formal and awkward? Ah, fine, I’ll continue” she paused a while. “Hm, so Oppa, you know how we haven’t spoken since… well, since a long time ago after WGM ended. To be very frank, I really, really liked you back then. Loved you, maybe. But I see you just didn’t feel the same so I gave up. Honestly, yeah, it took such a long time for me to get over you, to get over us and our memory. But I did, and I am glad. I was avoiding you and maybe you did too. I don’t know still what you felt or thought about me, and so it dragged on to these little actions where we would just look away every time we met. But I’m sick of that, Oppa. Thinking about it again, before I came to love you, we were such good friends. The one I could share everything with. And I have your members as my friend too. Once it’s gone, I came to a realization that… I miss you guys as my friends. So…Ummm…”
“You want to be friend with us?” he finished for her, swallowing the bitterness.
“If you allow me to”
“Sure, why not?” he didn’t know how he could agree on that, but he just did. Maybe it would be the only way to get over her.
“Really?? Oh thank you, Oppa! I’m sorry for whatever happened to us in the past. But… we got over it, didn’t we?” she laughed, making Yonghwa shivered.
“Yeah we did. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drag you around or hurt you. I’m really sorry”
“Aigoo~ It doesn’t matter anymore. Now, since we are cool, should we go to your members?” It matters to me, Hyun-ah, those words never came out from him. Instead, he followed her behind.
Letting go, forever
“Woah you are beautiful!” Minhyuk barged into the room to see her for one last time before she walked down the aisle. “Thank you, Minhyuk-ah!” she hugged him and turned to his brothers behind. “Woooo, the goddess is here!!” Jungshin clapped his hands enthusiastically. She laughed and hugged him too. Behind him, Jonghyun stood with a big grin. “Indeed, a goddess” he said, hugging her a little too. Yonghwa, whom they forced to go along, whom they forced to face the reality, just sat on one of the couches and gave a bitter smile. “Someone’s not feeling good today?” She asked their leader and he just shook his head. “Nah, it’s just that I composed this song until late at night. I feel a little restless, but fine” she just nodded and beamed at him. “It’s time, Seohyun-ah!! Come on! Your dad is in front!” Jessica screamed from the door and the bride stood almost too immediately, tripping a little. Thanks to a pair of hands that hold her waist, she didn’t fall flat on her face. “Woah, thank you, Oppa”. “Yah, easy there. Excited much?” Yonghwa attempted to joke with her, but he could not even believe his own voice. Their little skinship electrified him. He was sweating inside, feeling nauseous all of the sudden. “It’s my wedding! Of course I’m excited” she pouted at him. “I got it, Hyun. Now off we go, okay?” she nodded happily and walked to Jessica, taking her hands and giggled, leaving one man crumpled in his place. Breaking down as he heard her laughing in joy.
“You had your chance, Hyung. Years ago. But you blew it. And the next thing you knew was that she loved someone else and about to get married to him now. So stop your misery, go look at them and accept it. It’s time to move on. If only you weren’t as stupid” Jonghyun said one last time, before letting his Hyung immersed in his own tears that he had been hiding all those years. The pain was still there, this time it even worse. If only he wasn’t as stupid.