August 23, 2004 12:12am (24)
I used to think that I was so much better than all of Sydney’s ex-boyfriends. But the thing is that I am just the same. I caused her so much hurt, and broke so many promises. I used to think that I was so different from all of the other guys that I know. The truth is that I am just the same. I do all of the same things, but the worst part is that I promise that I wont and then I do. That is much worse.
I really wanted to talk to dad about going back to Millikin today. We really need to talk about getting a loan, because I don’t think that I will last around here. I don’t think that I can concentrate here, all alone. And I think having Sydney so far away from me will make it hard for me to think about anything else. Just like things were during calculus. I just want to be there for her. I just want to be happy again. I don’t know how I will accomplish that anymore. I was going to make her mine. I was going to propose to her, either this year or next, depending on how well and how fast things went with us. I don’t know how I will get passed my feelings for her besides to distract myself with someone else. But that’s not fair to them and I could hurt myself a lot more in the long run. I’m afraid that Terry is going to hurt Sydney or get her in some serious trouble and I just can’t stand that. He has the potential to ruin her as a person, especially after our relationship was and how hurt she ended up being by the time that it was over. Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday, I have tried my best to stay upbeat, but I am really nervous about talking to Sydney, I don’t know what I am going to say.
I started listening to the music that she recorded for me. Her voice is so healing. I feel good when I hear it and I don’t feel so nervous, but I wish I had more, I wish she could sing me to sleep again. I’m looking at her pictures more and more again. I can’t stop looking at them. I just wish that a camera could grasp the magic that her eyes created. I wish a camera could show her true beauty.
Well I am talking to Sydney on the right now and I feel really weird. Kind of hurt, kind of nervous and kind of inadequate. I just feel that I can never be the kind of man that she wants, that Terry is. I can never be good enough for her again, but I really want to be. I know that I’ll never be able to have her again, but that is all that I wish for, all I think about. I can’t describe what I am feeling.
I really wanted to talk to dad about going back to Millikin today. We really need to talk about getting a loan, because I don’t think that I will last around here. I don’t think that I can concentrate here, all alone. And I think having Sydney so far away from me will make it hard for me to think about anything else. Just like things were during calculus. I just want to be there for her. I just want to be happy again. I don’t know how I will accomplish that anymore. I was going to make her mine. I was going to propose to her, either this year or next, depending on how well and how fast things went with us. I don’t know how I will get passed my feelings for her besides to distract myself with someone else. But that’s not fair to them and I could hurt myself a lot more in the long run. I’m afraid that Terry is going to hurt Sydney or get her in some serious trouble and I just can’t stand that. He has the potential to ruin her as a person, especially after our relationship was and how hurt she ended up being by the time that it was over. Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday, I have tried my best to stay upbeat, but I am really nervous about talking to Sydney, I don’t know what I am going to say.
I started listening to the music that she recorded for me. Her voice is so healing. I feel good when I hear it and I don’t feel so nervous, but I wish I had more, I wish she could sing me to sleep again. I’m looking at her pictures more and more again. I can’t stop looking at them. I just wish that a camera could grasp the magic that her eyes created. I wish a camera could show her true beauty.
Well I am talking to Sydney on the right now and I feel really weird. Kind of hurt, kind of nervous and kind of inadequate. I just feel that I can never be the kind of man that she wants, that Terry is. I can never be good enough for her again, but I really want to be. I know that I’ll never be able to have her again, but that is all that I wish for, all I think about. I can’t describe what I am feeling.