August 22, 2004 11:32pm
I feel like the way I treated Brian when he was going through his Sydney phase. I probably hurt both of their feelings. That is something that I can never take back, but I wish I could have worded it differently.
Mom mentioned something to me today that I had once thought. But Sydney isn’t like that. I just wanted to look for a reason not to hurt anymore. That this whole Terry thing was completely made up and that this was a story for many reasons. One to make me jealous, the other to make it easier to break up with me, and the last to show me how much I hurt her by causing me the same pain. Not to say that I don’t deserve it, just that I wish I could be happy again.
When in Jewel tonight with mom and Nate I mentioned that I could have gotten this girls number but never tried. I kind of regret it, I need to get over Sydney or I will never be able to be happy anymore. I can’t believe that I was so in love and still treated her so poorly. There are so many regrets that plague me, but the thing that bothers me is that Terry seems to be a really bad influence on Sydney. And the fact that I am so incredibly jealous of Terry. He doesn’t deserve the honor that is to be in the same room as Sydney. I miss Sydney, I miss being happy, I miss being able to tell her that I love her.
I was doing well today and then relapsed to the way I was on Thursday. I don’t know what it was. Just a thought about Sydney that caught me off guard and bam, my whole day was totally screwed up. I don’t want to spend my time at Millikin without her. She made me happy, she made me whole again. She made me want to be such a better person, and I lost my chance. I feel that I am the best man to make her happy in a relationship. I just screwed up and lost focus. I tried to float through life and get a gift. Well that didn’t happen. She has dated so many assholes that ruined my shot at a second chance with her. And I’m not sure if I really deserve a second chance or not, I just wish that I had one. I just wish I could have made up for all of the things that I screwed up. I am so much better than the person that I showed her. I showed her some asshole that didn’t deserve her, not the real Adam.
Mom mentioned something to me today that I had once thought. But Sydney isn’t like that. I just wanted to look for a reason not to hurt anymore. That this whole Terry thing was completely made up and that this was a story for many reasons. One to make me jealous, the other to make it easier to break up with me, and the last to show me how much I hurt her by causing me the same pain. Not to say that I don’t deserve it, just that I wish I could be happy again.
When in Jewel tonight with mom and Nate I mentioned that I could have gotten this girls number but never tried. I kind of regret it, I need to get over Sydney or I will never be able to be happy anymore. I can’t believe that I was so in love and still treated her so poorly. There are so many regrets that plague me, but the thing that bothers me is that Terry seems to be a really bad influence on Sydney. And the fact that I am so incredibly jealous of Terry. He doesn’t deserve the honor that is to be in the same room as Sydney. I miss Sydney, I miss being happy, I miss being able to tell her that I love her.
I was doing well today and then relapsed to the way I was on Thursday. I don’t know what it was. Just a thought about Sydney that caught me off guard and bam, my whole day was totally screwed up. I don’t want to spend my time at Millikin without her. She made me happy, she made me whole again. She made me want to be such a better person, and I lost my chance. I feel that I am the best man to make her happy in a relationship. I just screwed up and lost focus. I tried to float through life and get a gift. Well that didn’t happen. She has dated so many assholes that ruined my shot at a second chance with her. And I’m not sure if I really deserve a second chance or not, I just wish that I had one. I just wish I could have made up for all of the things that I screwed up. I am so much better than the person that I showed her. I showed her some asshole that didn’t deserve her, not the real Adam.