Query letters - A necessary evil.

[desuvan]

Okay, so I think I have something that may actually work for a query letter for Crimson Mask. So take a look at it and please critique it as honestly as possible. Please keep in mind that query letters are the LAST place you should be trying to spare my feelings.

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my novel, The Crimson Mask, complete at

Comments

[aurianfae]

I don't know much about inquiry letters or anything, but I kind of think that the paragraph about the dieties aren't necessarily needed... or that perhaps where the paragraph is situated is kind of disjointed? I can't really help you with the rest of it, I've never written one before.

[saraphina_marie]

The pantheon of The Crimson Mask is an active force in the world and appears often in the story. The Father of Waves does not stand idly by while Ryjel's parents are murdered, but takes what vengeance he can from the Chosen of Inashita. The Wanderer appears again later in the story, along with another, The Trader of Treasures. While the Lady in Red does not appear directly, one of her defining myths is told to Ryjel by the High Priestess of Inashita.

Take out that line, it holds up the thought process and is not all that important.

Yours: While I am still a new writer, I am pleased to say that a short story of mine was recently picked up for an anthology by Kerlak Publishing, a small press working out of Memphis, entitled Dragon's Composed.

Better: Although I am a new writer, I have recently made my first sale; my short story, "Father," to the Dragons Composed anthology put out by Kerlak Publishing in Memphis, TN eariler this year

[mariadkins]

I'm not that great at queries - still learning how to get them right myself - but from what I've been reading on agents' blogs the last couple of months

I am seeking representation for my novel,
have already begun work on a sequel
While I am still a new writer,
would be thrilled to send

are things you definitely don't want to say.

And of course the last sentence would depend upon that particular agent's guidelines.

Your query seems a little long - five paragraphs to describe the story? Will that fit all on one page? (and if it's to be mailed (hard copy) will it fit on one page set up like a business letter?) I've read that you want three paragraphs max.

I don't have any fantasy agents on my blogs list - it's not what I 'do' - otherwise I'd be happy to point you in their direction so you could read what they're looking for. However, this might help a bit: http://theswivet.blogspot.com/2008/08/query-dissection-kelly-gays-

[saraphina_marie]

You don't want to say that you have a sequel in the works? I thought that was a good thing, that agents and publishers want to know they can get a series out of you.

But I do agree that the story needs to be boiled down a little bit, save the details for the synposis.

[mariadkins]

No. You want to sell one book at a time -- and talk about sequels *later*.

[catvalente]

I think the mention of all the other things in the works sounds a. like he's over committed to this world and series and not versatile, and b. a bit amateurish--everyone wants to do a giant series, and publishers know they can get one out of more or less anyone. This is about this novel alone. Definitely cut it. As well as any emotion words like "thrilled" and "pleased." The synopsis is definitely too long and full of details--writers are often the worst ones to do their own synopses, because they know everything that's cool in the book, and tend to complicate a summary.

This is going to sound impossible, but

[thunderpigeon]

you need to cut to the chase a lot sooner. Although you want your novel to be read on its own merits, most agents and editors will want to know whether this book resembles other books they liked, so you need to tell them something like "Michael Moorcock meets Joseph Campbell" or "Harry Potter meets the Muppet Show" at least a more general descriptor, such as "High fantasy with deep intrigue in an urban setting."

Also, boil your description of the book down to a single sentence, eg, "The son of a murdered priest and priestess quests for revenge, on a journey of rage and redemption, passion and despair, and into a bitter victory." This is just a quick cut-and-paste from what you've already written; you can probably do much better if you give it some thought and are very disciplined about leaving out anything you don't need.

Merge the next 4 paragraphs into one, or trim them down as much as you can.

Take out the hyphen from "thirty pages"

I hope this helps.

Here because of your lovely wife's post

[shveta_thakrar]

From everything I've read on agents' blogs, I agree with the comments you've gotten so far. You don't want general statements like this: "His story is one of rage and redemption, passion and despair, and though he will find what he seeks, it will be a bitter victory." It's too vague to mean anything. Why will it be bitter? And show us the rage, redemption, etc.

Choose the most important thread and tell us about that. Leave everything else out.

You might want to check these queries out: http://nathanbransford.blogspot.com/2009/04/announcing-be-agent-for-day-contest.html