Living Against My Own Rules.
For the past few years I have become everything I hated.
And everything I wanted to change.... has changed.
But, it always changes either for the worst.......or go the wrong direction.
I found the person I was happy with, only to screw it up over and over.
I fought to try and keep that person, only to lose her anyways.
My father finally left us, only to cause my mother to blame me for the loss.
My mother finally gets on her own, only to turn around and take the son of a bitch back.
I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with drugs, and broke that promise.
I got off drugs, only to turn around and become an ALCOHOLIC.
Does that make you happy at all?
I admit it.
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
Not so much anymore....I haven't been drinking so much lately.
I finally get on my own, away from her, only to want her more than ever.
I wished for the end of a relationship, and now all I want is to start it over.
I lied.
I cheated.
I used people.
I let people use me.
I hurt people.
I let them hurt me.
And, aside from becoming physically abusive, I've done everything wrong in a relationship that could ever be done.
And, through it all, I've only wanted to start it all over again.
It's not possible to start over.
So, if we can't start over, all I can do is keep moving.
With or without her, I have to.
That's how life is.
I'm just trying to find a way, to make it so, while I keep moving, she's with me.
But, she doesn't want it.
She doesn't want me to try.
She wants me to stop.
She wants me to move on with my life, find someone new.
Well....
If I move on.....then what was the point of fighting for so long?
If I found someone new, what would make them any different than anyone else?
What would make them as special as you?
As beautiful as you?
I'm not trying to push you.
That's the last thing I want.
I'm just hoping....
Praying...
Wishing....
For that one opportunity....the one that could take years to accomplish.
Because, as long as I get that one opportunity....even if it's the last.
I know that even if I fail...that there still was something left.
That there still IS something left.
Don't say anything?
But, everytime I didn't say anything, was everytime you wanted me to.
Everytime I kept to myself, I upset you.
Everytime I didn't say anything, is everytime I wanted to the most.
And, now is no different.
I asked you to stop asking about us getting back together, when you wanted to.
When in all actuality, that's when I wanted you to push me more.
The more you pushed me, the more I wanted to be with you.
The only reason I waited, was to make sure that if it was going to be the last time we were going to be together.....then it meant the most.....out of everything that happened.
I wanted to make sure that the last run, would be the one that put a smile on your face everytime you think about it.
To make sure, that it wasn't JUST our last run together.
I wanted to make sure that it was the last run, and that it lasted forever...or at least felt that way.
If we were to get back together then, I would have done everything in my heart to make sure it never ended.
That it was for life.
I was ready to do it.
I just wanted the timing to be perfect, when it finally happened.
Perfect, just ilke you.
But, it's harder now.
It's hard when the person that you love, overall, is the one that pushes you away when you want them the most.
But, I deserve it...now more than ever, I deserve it.
I pushed you away, when you needed me more than ever.
When you had to see a doctor about your migranes....I pushed you away.
When you were scared of what it could have been....I pushed you away.
WHen you the problems between you and your mother became more than you could deal with...I pushed you away.
I deserve this more than anything.
I know why my Karma is doing this now.
I know why this is all happening.
It wasn't just you.
It was what I did to him.
Because of what I was.
He died because of me.
It wss my fault.
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...
3 months before it happened.
I didn't mean for it to be that strong.
He's why I stopped.
He's why I can't forgive myself for so many things.
Because I saw what he became.
Because I was jealous.
I'm sorry.
Please, forgive me.
And everything I wanted to change.... has changed.
But, it always changes either for the worst.......or go the wrong direction.
I found the person I was happy with, only to screw it up over and over.
I fought to try and keep that person, only to lose her anyways.
My father finally left us, only to cause my mother to blame me for the loss.
My mother finally gets on her own, only to turn around and take the son of a bitch back.
I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with drugs, and broke that promise.
I got off drugs, only to turn around and become an ALCOHOLIC.
Does that make you happy at all?
I admit it.
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
Not so much anymore....I haven't been drinking so much lately.
I finally get on my own, away from her, only to want her more than ever.
I wished for the end of a relationship, and now all I want is to start it over.
I lied.
I cheated.
I used people.
I let people use me.
I hurt people.
I let them hurt me.
And, aside from becoming physically abusive, I've done everything wrong in a relationship that could ever be done.
And, through it all, I've only wanted to start it all over again.
It's not possible to start over.
So, if we can't start over, all I can do is keep moving.
With or without her, I have to.
That's how life is.
I'm just trying to find a way, to make it so, while I keep moving, she's with me.
But, she doesn't want it.
She doesn't want me to try.
She wants me to stop.
She wants me to move on with my life, find someone new.
Well....
If I move on.....then what was the point of fighting for so long?
If I found someone new, what would make them any different than anyone else?
What would make them as special as you?
As beautiful as you?
I'm not trying to push you.
That's the last thing I want.
I'm just hoping....
Praying...
Wishing....
For that one opportunity....the one that could take years to accomplish.
Because, as long as I get that one opportunity....even if it's the last.
I know that even if I fail...that there still was something left.
That there still IS something left.
Don't say anything?
But, everytime I didn't say anything, was everytime you wanted me to.
Everytime I kept to myself, I upset you.
Everytime I didn't say anything, is everytime I wanted to the most.
And, now is no different.
I asked you to stop asking about us getting back together, when you wanted to.
When in all actuality, that's when I wanted you to push me more.
The more you pushed me, the more I wanted to be with you.
The only reason I waited, was to make sure that if it was going to be the last time we were going to be together.....then it meant the most.....out of everything that happened.
I wanted to make sure that the last run, would be the one that put a smile on your face everytime you think about it.
To make sure, that it wasn't JUST our last run together.
I wanted to make sure that it was the last run, and that it lasted forever...or at least felt that way.
If we were to get back together then, I would have done everything in my heart to make sure it never ended.
That it was for life.
I was ready to do it.
I just wanted the timing to be perfect, when it finally happened.
Perfect, just ilke you.
But, it's harder now.
It's hard when the person that you love, overall, is the one that pushes you away when you want them the most.
But, I deserve it...now more than ever, I deserve it.
I pushed you away, when you needed me more than ever.
When you had to see a doctor about your migranes....I pushed you away.
When you were scared of what it could have been....I pushed you away.
WHen you the problems between you and your mother became more than you could deal with...I pushed you away.
I deserve this more than anything.
I know why my Karma is doing this now.
I know why this is all happening.
It wasn't just you.
It was what I did to him.
Because of what I was.
He died because of me.
It wss my fault.
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry...
3 months before it happened.
I didn't mean for it to be that strong.
He's why I stopped.
He's why I can't forgive myself for so many things.
Because I saw what he became.
Because I was jealous.
I'm sorry.
Please, forgive me.