Something I found from 2004
Gaydar to Become Available in Department Stores
(ACP) - In recent years it seems the dating scene has become more
complicated than ever for singles. For those of us who are not
blessed with a stint on a reality show where we are allowed to select
between 20-30 gorgeous members of the opposite sex, it may prove to
be nearly impossible to find a mate or even just a Friday night
dinner date. If you are average, introverted, avidly watch Star Trek,
mentally unstable, only partially successful or the owner of a Honda
Civic, you might as well kiss any hopes of ever having a sex life
goodbye and resolve to live with your parents well past middle age -
after all, having your own place is expensive and no one will ever
take you up on that offer to "come up for a few drinks".
Yet even for the wickedly handsome entrepreneurs or perhaps even Fast
Food employees who own a shirt with a Banana Republic tag, the dating
scene can also be challenging. The reason why? Well now, more than
ever, people are just plain gay. There is no way around it! Chances
are that if you are a single man and you walk into any bar in any
town in any country (with the exception of Canada because it's not a
real country anyway), you will be noticed by no more than three women
(none of them attractive) and at least twice as many other men. In
fact a recent survey taken in Michigan left experts scratching their
heads when 9 out of 10 women stated that they would rather claim to
be a lesbian to fend off a horny drunken male bar patron than tell
him that they were married or in a long-term relationship.
While this has left some straight men and women running for the
hills, believing that they are only attracted to blatant homosexuals,
others have wised up and acquired a device commonly known as
a "Gaydar".
Although the Gaydar has only recently become a well-known part of Pop
Culture, it has been around for centuries. Archeologists and people
who study history alone in their bedrooms a lot have found evidence
to suggest that the Gaydar originated as early as 10,000 B.C. Many
cave paintings have shown a recurring theme of Neanderthal men around
the campfire on a Tuesday night sharing gopher appetizers only to
suddenly have one member of the group point and grunt at another,
more effeminate caveman, followed by the deemed outcast being
pummeled with rocks. While this may seem primitive you must try not
to be shocked, because wake up dumbass, they are fucking cavemen.
But now in modern culture the use of the Gaydar has expanded far
beyond identifying who must be pummeled with rocks. It is not only a
dating tool which allows gays and lesbians to find each other, but it
is also useful for breeders who wish to discern who will blow them
off and who will simply blow them. In fact the only thing that is
wrong with having a gaydar is just that - not everyone has one!
Because of this disturbing unfairness (there is no rhyme or reason to
why some people have Gaydars and others do not), pharmaceutical
company Pfizzer teamed up with electronics manufacturer MPX in 1993
to create a portable, battery-operated Gaydar that would be available
to the general public. The original predicted release date was
February 14th, 1995, but production was continually setback by errors
in the programming codes and inaccuracy. Finally after eleven years
the Gaydar ™ has been perfected and Pfimixerp (the merged company's
new title) will be releasing it to retail stores on December 1st of
this year, just in time for Christmas. CEO of Pfimixerp, Lloyd
Deckflerr stated in Wednesday's press conference: "I am so excited
for our little company but I am more excited for America. We were
offered a big fat check from England who wanted to have the Gaydar
first but no, I'm telling you, I love this country and I LOVE
democracy. We're free here, motherfuckers, and we're free to make and
sell Gaydars to every man, woman, and child in the nation."
Although the product has not yet been released, the State of
California has already moved to make Gaydar use, sale, and
manufacture illegal within the state, mainly due to the unfair
advantage that it would cause for the "actors" on such dating shows
as Playing it Straight. Also the true sexual orientation of many
Hollywood celebrities would be revealed causing "all the fun and
mystery to be lost", claimed an anonymous politician who resides in
California and was once a famous celebrity himself. Also he was a
body-builder.
However despite some negative publicity, pre-order websites
such as Amazon.com have already received over two hundred thousand
combined orders for the Gaydar since this morning at 9:24am. These
consumers are surly only a portion of the millions who will
eventually purchase the Gaydar, irregardless of the fact that it says
right there on the Gaydar box that there is only a guaranteed 65%
accuracy among non-smoking individuals. The reasoning behind this is
that while only 10% of the world's so-called "straight" population
regularly smokes cigarettes, a whopping 90% of the open homosexual
community lights up a Camel or a Pall Mall on a daily basis. From
this we can easily infer that the 10% in question are not actually
straight people at all, but they are closet homosexuals. Due to this
the Gaydar will alert it's user to any person within a 30 foot radius
who has been smoking. The "blips" (different levels of alerts for
different levels of gay-ness) are farther apart for smokers of non-
filtered cigarettes or Marlboro kings in a soft pack, but the gayness
level is determined to be unorthodoxly high for smokers of Menthols,
Lights, or 100's. A combination of all three might just be unheard
of, especially in Wisconsin, because no one could possible be THAT
gay.
Finally if you are interested in purchasing a Gaydar for
yourself (and believe me you need one, they are way cooler than cell
phones), head to your favorite local retail store and inquire if they
will be selling them on December 1st. If not, then it really sucks to
be you.
(ACP) - In recent years it seems the dating scene has become more
complicated than ever for singles. For those of us who are not
blessed with a stint on a reality show where we are allowed to select
between 20-30 gorgeous members of the opposite sex, it may prove to
be nearly impossible to find a mate or even just a Friday night
dinner date. If you are average, introverted, avidly watch Star Trek,
mentally unstable, only partially successful or the owner of a Honda
Civic, you might as well kiss any hopes of ever having a sex life
goodbye and resolve to live with your parents well past middle age -
after all, having your own place is expensive and no one will ever
take you up on that offer to "come up for a few drinks".
Yet even for the wickedly handsome entrepreneurs or perhaps even Fast
Food employees who own a shirt with a Banana Republic tag, the dating
scene can also be challenging. The reason why? Well now, more than
ever, people are just plain gay. There is no way around it! Chances
are that if you are a single man and you walk into any bar in any
town in any country (with the exception of Canada because it's not a
real country anyway), you will be noticed by no more than three women
(none of them attractive) and at least twice as many other men. In
fact a recent survey taken in Michigan left experts scratching their
heads when 9 out of 10 women stated that they would rather claim to
be a lesbian to fend off a horny drunken male bar patron than tell
him that they were married or in a long-term relationship.
While this has left some straight men and women running for the
hills, believing that they are only attracted to blatant homosexuals,
others have wised up and acquired a device commonly known as
a "Gaydar".
Although the Gaydar has only recently become a well-known part of Pop
Culture, it has been around for centuries. Archeologists and people
who study history alone in their bedrooms a lot have found evidence
to suggest that the Gaydar originated as early as 10,000 B.C. Many
cave paintings have shown a recurring theme of Neanderthal men around
the campfire on a Tuesday night sharing gopher appetizers only to
suddenly have one member of the group point and grunt at another,
more effeminate caveman, followed by the deemed outcast being
pummeled with rocks. While this may seem primitive you must try not
to be shocked, because wake up dumbass, they are fucking cavemen.
But now in modern culture the use of the Gaydar has expanded far
beyond identifying who must be pummeled with rocks. It is not only a
dating tool which allows gays and lesbians to find each other, but it
is also useful for breeders who wish to discern who will blow them
off and who will simply blow them. In fact the only thing that is
wrong with having a gaydar is just that - not everyone has one!
Because of this disturbing unfairness (there is no rhyme or reason to
why some people have Gaydars and others do not), pharmaceutical
company Pfizzer teamed up with electronics manufacturer MPX in 1993
to create a portable, battery-operated Gaydar that would be available
to the general public. The original predicted release date was
February 14th, 1995, but production was continually setback by errors
in the programming codes and inaccuracy. Finally after eleven years
the Gaydar ™ has been perfected and Pfimixerp (the merged company's
new title) will be releasing it to retail stores on December 1st of
this year, just in time for Christmas. CEO of Pfimixerp, Lloyd
Deckflerr stated in Wednesday's press conference: "I am so excited
for our little company but I am more excited for America. We were
offered a big fat check from England who wanted to have the Gaydar
first but no, I'm telling you, I love this country and I LOVE
democracy. We're free here, motherfuckers, and we're free to make and
sell Gaydars to every man, woman, and child in the nation."
Although the product has not yet been released, the State of
California has already moved to make Gaydar use, sale, and
manufacture illegal within the state, mainly due to the unfair
advantage that it would cause for the "actors" on such dating shows
as Playing it Straight. Also the true sexual orientation of many
Hollywood celebrities would be revealed causing "all the fun and
mystery to be lost", claimed an anonymous politician who resides in
California and was once a famous celebrity himself. Also he was a
body-builder.
However despite some negative publicity, pre-order websites
such as Amazon.com have already received over two hundred thousand
combined orders for the Gaydar since this morning at 9:24am. These
consumers are surly only a portion of the millions who will
eventually purchase the Gaydar, irregardless of the fact that it says
right there on the Gaydar box that there is only a guaranteed 65%
accuracy among non-smoking individuals. The reasoning behind this is
that while only 10% of the world's so-called "straight" population
regularly smokes cigarettes, a whopping 90% of the open homosexual
community lights up a Camel or a Pall Mall on a daily basis. From
this we can easily infer that the 10% in question are not actually
straight people at all, but they are closet homosexuals. Due to this
the Gaydar will alert it's user to any person within a 30 foot radius
who has been smoking. The "blips" (different levels of alerts for
different levels of gay-ness) are farther apart for smokers of non-
filtered cigarettes or Marlboro kings in a soft pack, but the gayness
level is determined to be unorthodoxly high for smokers of Menthols,
Lights, or 100's. A combination of all three might just be unheard
of, especially in Wisconsin, because no one could possible be THAT
gay.
Finally if you are interested in purchasing a Gaydar for
yourself (and believe me you need one, they are way cooler than cell
phones), head to your favorite local retail store and inquire if they
will be selling them on December 1st. If not, then it really sucks to
be you.