Click to view
Keeping me from killing you
* * *
And from pulling you down with me in here
I can almost hear you scream
* * *
And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
To make this entry short n sweet im gonna catalog it by day and see what comes of it then i ask you the readers to please fill me in on what u think.
Friday the 25th.
Out of all the days this weekend this is the one with the most stuff to deal with and take in. I woke up to take jeni in the morning to school as i did i noticed she left behind her baggie with her lunch stuff. I thought maybe it would be nice to leave it to her with a lil note to tell her how much i love her. LOL! I laugh about it now for the sheer irony in what is about to happen next. I get home rushing now knowing that im going to be late for work if i did go thru with it and leave this "care" package to jeni. When i get home i get on aim and i send sirius a message just a simple one as well.
"yo bitch anything today?"
He told me nothing was wrong with the computer that he could see but there was something really wrong with my life that i think i should know about. We got into a lil discussion and voila he shows me multiple convos from jeni. First second i saw em my response was why are u invading my gfs privacy not even i do that. He laughed n told me i prolly should that i was being an idiot for not doing so in any case i was gonna ex it out but he had me promise him on our friendship that i would atleast read it and keep an open mind. I read it and when i was done the "Care" package turned into more of a bomb. I took paper, a sharpie and let my anger roll out at the speed of a fucking steamroller. What u could say did i read? well.... some quick highlights....
Im bored of my bf(her)
we always argue(her)
im unhappy(her)
he's ugly(her)
he's horrible(me)
im in love with 2 people(her)
its our anniversary and im not excited about it(her)
i can't get you out of my head (not me)
im not attracted to him (her)
and more things that i can remember right now but those were the highlights which to this day still bother me. I wrote the note i would take to her playing on my emotions and holding back because right then and there i wanted to tell her u know what, go fuck yourself, get the fuck out of my life and u deserve anything that comes from it, get out.
Thats what i would've done, thats what i honestly wanted to do and say right then n there when she was called to get her lunch. But i hesitated because i wanted to hear it from her mouth. Even tho everyone even some people whom know both of us even looked at me n just told me flat out, we love her, we love you, but get rid of her she's nothing but a lil bitch if this is what she really thinks.
I didn't go to work that day and i took the time to spend the day with cristina and maria whom cooled me down from my nuclear blood preassure. We went to have breakfast and the more we dove into the subject the more i wanted to be able to tell her i fucking hate you. Finally the last few minutes before i went to pick her up they both cooled me down and just told me to relax and maria told me.
As a friend n as a mother i know its going to hurt u because u have given so much and gotten so little back but this is going to be painful but just cut if off and let her go, all she's doing is bringing pain and using you this is not a relationship your nothing more than a security blanket.
I felt angry as FUKKKK i went to pick up jeni n i got her i stopped by the park and we talked. I wanted her to tell me that she was unhappy and she hated the thought of "us." I wanted her to reinforce everything she said, i wanted her to sit there in my face and tell me, yes i meant it and i stick to it because its how i honestly feel.
I didn't get any of it, the attack i had prepared for i never saw, i wanted to tell her how much of the very hypocrate she sees in me and how i see it in her as well. How it was very sad and pathetic that we agreed to work things out and she attacked me about it and i have been trying and now she is the one causing the problems.
But i got something i didn't expect, she admited she was unhappy, she admitted we always agrue she admited things were different and she also admitted that i had tried and that now it was her turn. I finally crashed and burned and just let what ive been holding in all day that day out.
I want to know if you will help me and work with me because im done, ive given everything possible, ive tried, and ive done my best as much as i can and everything i do she basically looked at it spit on it and threw it on the ground. I needed her to tell me if she was gonna try to work on it or not and if not, then i was done giving all i had to give and i was done trying. I needed to know what her heart wanted and what she saw.
She said she would try.
She said her heart was mine.
Then why, why -why couldn't i stop thinking about it as if my subconcious was telling me, -hey you, stoopid, get rid of her dumb ass she's setting u up as a sucker and she's milking you. for fuck sakes man listen to whom your talking too! I dismised the thought i told her, 1 more shot at it but i wanted her promise that she would work with me.
She said yes with teary eyes as she nodded with her forehead resting on mines. And yet i shed tears but i knew i was shedding tears for nothing releating to the subject at hand, i was shedding tears because i had given up on her and here i am trying again as if i was some athlete whom had just climed a cliff n fell off and was giving it another shot. But the tears i shed were for "next time" because something in side me was telling me it just simply nothing more than prolonging the problem.
How did i know it was a temporary fix and the problem woudld prolly come back eventually?
The words... can we please not talk about it?
I know those words far to well from way too many mouths. And even from hers, 2 times, 3 if i count yesterday(monday.) In any case... I took a deep breath and told her, ok, 1 more shot, with your help. She nodded and said she would try and i looked at her n told her very well ill try again and we can start once more.
After that we went around trying to her the secret anniversary suprise i had planed up for her. :D She had no clue what i was doing and i tried my best to keep it that way. Finally i got everything i needed and we went to dolphin to had lunch and looked around. We saw that KOBE was opened and she freaked out she god so excited it made me so happy. We went back home and she was tired to i capitalized on it and told her to go to bed that i was gonna work on her anny present and that we could just go to kobe when i was done n i would wake her up.
I began the work and finally finished, she didn't want to go anywhere because she was tired but i needed to go out because my mom was bitchy beyond human comprehension. So i was gonna go out with or without her lol! i asked her to please please come with me and she said ok. I called kobe and i found out they were open late!! w00t! we hauled butt n went to kobe. We had an amazing time it was nice reliving a bootleg form of our first month anny once again and we didn't have to drive 9 billion miles to make it there. I was happy. We spent the whole time cuddling close and having each other laugh n stuff it was real cutesy.
We went back home and we watched some tv n stuff and talked while cuddling. I made the bed all nice n pretty and comfy since i knew she would be tired. She tried on this lil black dress and OMG ive never seen a more beautifully fitting dress on her than ever before. It was perfect as if it was made exactly for her.
Im cutting out the rest of the night because thats out private momment and no one elses.
The last thing i will end this day with is the fact i had some wicked nightmares of her and me and people and basically it was a few months from now and nothing had changed and the same problems plagueing our relationship began to resurface and cause problems and i ended it right then anf there by just telling her, were done, it was obvious we weren't going anywhere and it was a mistake to even begin to try and fix something that she refused to try and fixed because she had already doomed it to fail with her own actions. (like i said just a nightmare.)
Sat. the 26th.
I took her to the doctor, We went to macitas(place she likes to eat at), We baked, we watched TV, we cuddled, and over all had a nice time. for once i can say we had fun and we had a NICE time outside of computers, game talk, drama, argueing, bitching, all the usual jazz that was causing problems. I slowly began to think, maybe this time this is exactly what we both needed to fix our relationship. For once it was actually nice to do things IRL and not in a cheap coated illusionary world were u don't face the fact irl is a bitch and it always bites u in the ass. This started a massive self-improvement crusade on my book. I was gonna change so much that i was gonna do what i did once. Make myself un-recognizable by anyone, not even my own parents and thus this is what i adopted.
no more games of any kind for the next few months.
no more surfing online for ANYTHING.
no more gaming in general on the computer unless its NON MMO (and cant last for more than 1-2hours)
no online talking with anyone unless im at work and with people i know irl.
no more nothing.
and finally,
YES to self improvement, im going back to uber losing weight, never being home, and actually trying to look decent in public rather than something that got licked on by roadkill.
And finally i was gonna fix our relationship or hold a bomb to my heart n let it explode. I made a promise to myself that this time if i tried so hard and noticed i was trying too much and jeni wasn't helping that sadly we were done and that was enough for me. Sounds ruthless and uncaring? well too fucking bad she im pulling and she's not helping to pull then whats there to be nice about?
Sunday the 27th.
CLEAN UP CLEAN UP everybody do your share!!! :D Me n her went on a cleaning frenzy, we ganked the room, and the car! IT was nice plus i got a chance to get her all wet >:D LOL! Over all i had a really good time, plus i got to draw her nakie which is something ive been wanting to do for so long! She's so beautiful that she could rival any picazo or any painting of high statue. The usual guy would look at the picture and say.... hhur hur hurrr nice boobs n pussy! while i look at it and i see it as graceful, incredibly elegant, sleek curves ajoined by the delicate tension of bone and muscles. A tapestry of delicacy, sensuallity, and beauty all woven into a most rare and beautiful scuplture. By far the best drawing ive ever done to this day and i tried to caputure everything i could as natural and as untouched as possible.
(in all honesty i can't remember if i drew her on saturday or sunday the reason i don't think i drew her on saturday is because we took my dad some baked items.)
Monday the 28th.
They took apart my room so we spent the day in my moms room watching TV n cuddling. We got into this habit that i pick her wedgiessss but she didn't let me do one and she pulled her collar muscles and strained her arm. I felt so bad because i should've been there for her but even tho it was silly and funny i still felt real bad. Imediatly i ran off got her a thermal pad and a towel and even pain meds. I made her a sandwhich n everything. When i was done i finally laid next to her and told myself....
My god man, uve never done this for anyone not even ur mom, why are u doing it to her when u know even she is doubting your love and loves someone else and is just pushing the subject under the rug. You know if she really did love you and really meant it she wouldn't be talking to these people still.
I spoke back to myself and said, thats what im waitting on. we'll see what comes from it.
As if suffering thru some sort of cynical behavior i laughed at myself in my head and was responded with a....Good boy, your not as gullible as u seem, u almost had me fooled.
Tuesday the 29th.
Finally today....
Hectic, im missing her, and yet... what we spoke about yesterday still gets to me, im scared just like i told her, i told her i was scared that this was nothing more than a temporary fix and that we were going to get nowhere. She told me she thought the same that she somehow figured out that i think we are doomed to fail even tho she says she is going to try real hard. Yet in the end it totally evaded the subject at hand.
I went to the doctor today for a problem ive been having. He gave me his medical diagnoses and prescribed me a cheap treatment then like clockwork, refered me to the psychologist due to the "subject" of my problem.
I laughed n said to myself.
Good job, the one thing i didn't want to talk about or deal with anymore is gonna be the subject thats gonna come up when jeni asks me what happened at the doctor.
I got sent up to the psych and she giggled when i walked in the room. I wanted to punch her in the face when i caught that smirk. We talked and she looked at me and goes...
Well i was laughing when u walked in the room because your the first guy i have with this so called issue maybe you should focus on keeping urself happy both mentally and physically. And i responded something witty which i knew was gonna get me in deep shit.
Tell me doc, can i get a degree as a doctor and talk shit about peoples problems? because all uve done here is talk smoke and i fail to see how talking to you is going to help me feel better so if u please cut the crap ill be on my way and were done. fair enough?
She snapped and told me for once everything straight to myface instead of my superiors. My life is a mess im trying to rescue a relationship from which it is not worth 2 cents rescueing, im wasting my time with my life going on 1 momment to the next with high expectations getting shot down all the while im trying, as for emotional support, i have nothing to even begin to call support. all i have are problems, i can fall back on anyone because its pointless and useless because in the end no one gives a damn. From a medical stand point im a fucking nutt whoms latest obsession over wanting to save their relationship has begun interfering with everything i say and do. That my lack of intimacy is just a gigantic mockery and will simply pull and pull and pull until theres nothing left and then finally i will realize this when i hit rock bottom that in the end all ive done is waste my time. That any issues of the sort im having the the relationship to the matters ive discribed point out to a crippled dying animal whom should be shot out of sheer mercy.
*phew*
That was alot to take in but its almost word for word what she said. kinda funny that i can't remember something as simple as what i have for breakfast yet i can remember almost word for word how i was insulted.
My question to everyone who reads this LJ....
a poll if u will.
I need to know if what im doing is right or if im just simple beating a dead horse. Your advise would be most appreciated. You can leave the input to me anyway u wish, phone call, text, im, myspace, email, anything really.
Right now im lost, confused, scared and i need someone to slap me up n just tell me how to proceed with my life. I need to know that i can reassure some way other than saying to myself...
"she's going to try. we are each others only one. we are going happy."
Im gone. But i leave with this personal note to myself.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
sagittarius
Jesus,
Partnership issues are intensifying at an alarming pace. The deeper you get, the more open-ended possibilities arise. You must get some firm answers before the slope gets any more slippery.