(no subject)
Click to view-If you read this read this fully or don't read it at all please ull miss out on alot i compacted this entry.-
My entry from yesterday actually ended up helping me but who ended up helping me was actually jeni but with special thanks to kara and cristina altho each come up with different ways on how to approach it. Kara told me to talk to her n give her a chance but no more. No one deserves a 3rd or 4th chance with anything. And cristina told me to enjoy it for now and if it screws over again to get rid of her n cut all problems that basically jeni needs to try to be more amature if she's thinking of a real relationship n stop living in the clouds. But over all she said to enjoy it and who knows maybe it will work out.
In any case me and jeni talked some more yesterday. I ended up asking her for help with the problems im facing atm, its pointless to go back to the problem because it already happened the damage is done so no point in reversing rather than moving foward. She tried her best to help me and i am totally grateful. What has me worried the most is trying to isolate the damage its caused really, its like someone dropped a massive napalm carpet bomb on my heart and im runing around freaking out trying to put out the fires.
I guess what leanna messaged me this morning saying was true...
Everything she said stuck you deep, hard, painful, with long and unforgiving thorns but dispite everything you still dare forgive her and that makes you an incredible guy where all others would not even had put up with it for a split second or even asked for help. It goes to show you truly love her with all your heart and its a shame she is just messing up a wonderful relationship by doing it.
I just said okay and kinda shrugged it off due to what me n jeni talked about yesterday about making our personal life public. I do admit it was my fault for advertising it but i needed help and didn't know what to do. It seemed to bother jeni because last night she seemed hesistant on telling me what she wanted to say. She told me she was hesistant becayse she thought she had no standings on telling me what she was thinking i should do in a situation like this. It bothers her that i put certain things about us in the public world and she was very brave n told me despite the fact she even admited that it was not her place to say what i should do or not do with my own journal. But the truth is i understand what she means and i will be more careful of what i release out there but in a way in my mind its the only thing i could think of doing due to the fact until friday we never really talked because all she did was lock up from me. So i guess now i don't really need to if she's gonna start opening up to me again like she used too. But in any case im glad she's opening up again to me and talking and i love her enough to try to be more careful with what i post up.
One thing i can't make any sense of which i thought about this morning and didn't touch base on it was the simple fact... i know she admitted to everything she said, so if its true, and she did admit to it, then... why the fuck would she want to work it out if im that horrible, that useless, that pathetic, ugly, annoying, and she says our relationship has no flare and she feels nothing... If she admitted to all that and thus makes the convos true then why try to fix it? why not just go? Why say she loves me n wants to work at repairing all the damage weve neglected to fix? A relationship is hard work we all know this and thus thast why we have to work hard to maintain it, keep it interesting, and never let the flare die out. My question is... i want to know why not just go? And if she truly does love me then why say those things? -in general why say all that at all? If i can get a true and honest detailed answer to this i can say i will go to bed tonight relaxed knowing finally i knocked out the problem and i can move on to repairing and not worrying about damage control. Because right now im dealing with damage control and reinforcing myself against another possible bombing.
In a way its a contradiction if u really think about it... she says she doesn't love me but does?
Thats like me telling myself i love my stalker and i wanna spend the rest of my life with her and live happily ever after when the truth is inside i want the bitch to die in a fire and have her ashes so i can river dance on them. In the end i know the only one whom can give me the answer is jeni and thus ill ask her. She told me yesterday she just doesn't know what comes over her sometimes and she can't explain certain things and in a way i attribute that to her mom's upbringing but we all practice judgement everyday between doing something we know is right and not right.
ie: Me wanting to ram the 826 bridge by mall de las americas to see what speed / transversal i get before the front of my car slams into the traffic below.
The difference is im a total idiot for thinking that way and thus my mind keeps me from doing it because its the RIGHT thing. But this it a totally different subject and gets worked differently. In any case im gonna ask it intrigues me and hopefully ill get my indepth detailed answer as to why and finally i can rest easy and move on to repairing.
ugh confusion why the fuck am i so confused n why can't i make straight answersss!!!! FFSSSS!!!!
-In other news.
Anyways me and the ookie talked yesterday about maybe setting up a calendar or something and plan things out and stuff which i thought was a cute idea. I had even prosed it before but her response was... *shrug* waste of time and life. *turns to her side n keeps watching TV* So yea.. But i found it funny she was the one whom propossed it now after the fact. i guess change of heart maybe? i don't know. In any case it should be fun.
For once i actually had a fluent convo with her since a long time that didn't involve responses like....
"call me when your out im busy."*stays online*
"im playing wow sorry ill call u later."
"ohh im on vent i can't talk to you now."
....the many responses which made my blood boil when all i wanted to do was to talk to her about us and things to do on the weekend. ohhh god..... dejavu... reminds me of her n jason when they were going out and she was going nutts because all jason did with her was hug the comp and his wow guild.(no ofense sir i still love u to death!) LOL! ironic tho. But over all its stopped for now n im glad. Hopefully it will stay away from ever causing problems again.
Come to think about it we actually had a non computer day yesterday and spend time doing stuff together even if it was silly like watching a movie n playing some wormie game n just cuddling... stoopid shit like that has been elevated to such high status in my heart right now because ive lacked it for so long that it seems almost like a dream come true. Sounds silly but something as simple as that means the world to me. The feeling u get from having nothing in your arms or having it pop in an out for a few minutes and then now all of a sudden its there and stays there and snuggles back and kisses u softly rather than quickly pooy pecks.... ohh man.
Altho people who read about our anny is in shock that she didn't even atleast write me a note to say she loves me and cares. But yet it doesn't phase me because i know she's been busy has had no money n stuff. Sure okay i won't deny it kinda suxs cuz i would atleast like to know she loves me. But i don't ask for anything, -i don't need anything but its nice knowing she cares and hearing people say she just doesn't care anymore really isn't helpful. This just makes me think back at that wonderful text that scrolled on my screen about her not really caring about our anny. If she doesn't care then why go thru with it!?!?!
In any case... progress is being made little by little and i just think i need to stop bothering her with my questions but i need to so i can set myself at peace and if it just iritates her n makes her hate me n get rid of me oh well now i got my answers as well. But i think with the latest self discovery i made by writting this entry i think ive nailed exactly what i need to solve this n move on.
wish me luck peeps.
PS. these 2 songs have been on my mind 24/7 especially the one below.