Random Fandom Thought
I realize that most of the fandom is not strictly communicable, either directly at James Callis or to other fans. You might think I've said it all in the blog, but I haven't. It's hard to really communicate what it means to me. Maybe I shouldn't even try, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't try to Write it Out for the whole world (and preferably James himself) to see. Whether people care or not.
Half the time I feel like telling James something but I don't because - what would it be? What is it I want to say? I wanted to wish him happy father's day (although it probably wasn't in the UK), simply because I wanted to say... what? I didn't say it, because I worried he might think it's too creepy or personal.
What would I say if I knew for sure that he understands what I'm feeling and cares enough to read it? (That I'm really a wonderful and brilliant person, I just have this weird obsession with him?) Maybe something about the donuts, because it seems to be so on the surface but isn't. But for him to get it, I'd have to explain my whole eating disorder history and everything I think he has and I don't. It's not really about eating, it's about... being free to enjoy life or see the beauty in it without constantly thinking you're ugly yourself. (I do enjoy the beauty of life, of course, but sometimes the hate ends up ruining it.) But maybe he has hate for himself too, how would I know? Maybe he doesn't have any secret key to freedom or beauty. I can't help but feel that if I just got to touch his robe, it would heal me or something. So I see him as Jesus. Great. I thought I was over that.
See, this is probably why I don't have words for it. It would be mental to ask James for something like that. If weight isn't a big deal for him now, it probably never was, and a donut is just a donut, what could he say? I wish I could be totally un-needy, but maybe fandom isn't like that. Maybe it can't be an escape from the eating disorder either, but I'm frakking milking the donuts as much as I can, if it offers even a moment's reprieve. (This is part of the reason why I won't do it on the blog anymore. I don't want to include him in my neuroses.)
I dreamt he came to see me and my family on a boat. He came with his mother. His name was Julius James Callis, which amused me endlessly. He said Gaius Baltar's name came from his. And he looked exactly like Joey Boswell on Bread, who was my very first TV crush at age 11. (Not the actor, just the character.) I said, "You look just like in Bread, just as young." There's something weird about this whole thing, how it cuts through my different age periods. I always have a fancrush, it's always a guy of a certain type. (Kind, big brotherly, sympathetic, something like that.) Although James frankly looks nothing like Joey Boswell. Thank god.
Half the time I feel like telling James something but I don't because - what would it be? What is it I want to say? I wanted to wish him happy father's day (although it probably wasn't in the UK), simply because I wanted to say... what? I didn't say it, because I worried he might think it's too creepy or personal.
What would I say if I knew for sure that he understands what I'm feeling and cares enough to read it? (That I'm really a wonderful and brilliant person, I just have this weird obsession with him?) Maybe something about the donuts, because it seems to be so on the surface but isn't. But for him to get it, I'd have to explain my whole eating disorder history and everything I think he has and I don't. It's not really about eating, it's about... being free to enjoy life or see the beauty in it without constantly thinking you're ugly yourself. (I do enjoy the beauty of life, of course, but sometimes the hate ends up ruining it.) But maybe he has hate for himself too, how would I know? Maybe he doesn't have any secret key to freedom or beauty. I can't help but feel that if I just got to touch his robe, it would heal me or something. So I see him as Jesus. Great. I thought I was over that.
See, this is probably why I don't have words for it. It would be mental to ask James for something like that. If weight isn't a big deal for him now, it probably never was, and a donut is just a donut, what could he say? I wish I could be totally un-needy, but maybe fandom isn't like that. Maybe it can't be an escape from the eating disorder either, but I'm frakking milking the donuts as much as I can, if it offers even a moment's reprieve. (This is part of the reason why I won't do it on the blog anymore. I don't want to include him in my neuroses.)
I dreamt he came to see me and my family on a boat. He came with his mother. His name was Julius James Callis, which amused me endlessly. He said Gaius Baltar's name came from his. And he looked exactly like Joey Boswell on Bread, who was my very first TV crush at age 11. (Not the actor, just the character.) I said, "You look just like in Bread, just as young." There's something weird about this whole thing, how it cuts through my different age periods. I always have a fancrush, it's always a guy of a certain type. (Kind, big brotherly, sympathetic, something like that.) Although James frankly looks nothing like Joey Boswell. Thank god.