(no subject)
Anxiety over "what if God doesn't accept gays after all O.o". This is useless. I've already gone thru this crisis. But my mind is swooping into deeper depression - I still have to wait a week for the stronger meds to kick in - and it'll find anxiety topics everywhere.
To clarify: I don't give a shit about people using their "common sense" or even analytical intellect to interpret the Bible. (Or not using it, as the case might be.) What worries me is people who have actual experiences of God condemning their homosexuality, or being "healed". Although you still have to consider the possibilities of emotional manipulation, grasping at straws, maybe even hearing Satan say God doesn't love you if you're gay... Some of the people who "healed" initially have turned back into gays (or always been gays and not been able to change it). Some of them, unable to change, have killed themselves. This cannot be God's work.
So maybe even experiences are an endless debate, as long as they're not YOUR experiences. And even if they are, how can you trust that they are from God? I'm not sure why I bank so much on experiences, as opposed to the Bible. I know many very Biblical Christians. It just seems to me that your faith isn't very PERSONAL if you take it all from someone else's experiences (which is what the Bible is). But then what is the difference between the apostles' experiences and modern day people's?
If a stranger came to me tomorrow and said: "[real name], God wants you to give up homosexuality", I would probably believe it and try to change. That would be such a powerful experience, considering that they'd know my name and know about the sexuality to begin with. But has this happened? No. Not even if I prayed for God to do exactly this, back in the day. Back in 1999, when I realized I'm gay, I asked Him to show me in any way possible that this is wrong. I read many religious books, and I specifically avoided reading people's views on homosexuality. Instead, I read about hearing God's voice, recognizing it from your own mind, being empty in front of Him. I got nothing but acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. It blew me away. (It's the same with fat acceptance, by the way. But that's perhaps less controversial.)
Robyn says that if God is against gays, she's against God. I can't say that because it's so ingrained in me that God is the final authority, and I must do what He wants. My brain and heart agree 100 % with Robyn. But if I felt God wanted me to change - well, I'd deny my own experiences and my own logic and empathy. I'd convince myself that God knows better and being gay must be somehow lascivious in ways that I don't understand yet. Does this make me a weak person? Or a person of strong faith?
But then - there isn't ONE logical reason why God would be against gays and homosexuality. If God abandons me on Judgement Day because I didn't listen to the BIBLE, I dunno. Then I guess Heaven isn't worth it because who can tell which Bible passages I need to listen to? Just this one, or this and the ten commandments? Or the whole shebang?
What I do know:
I love Toby. Our relationship has brought me joy and hope in my depression. I've found someone who totally understands me and whom I can share everything with. He's a person who cares about how I see things, finds me fascinating and loveable and attractive. I'm truly blessed to have found such an empathetic, caring person. (I feel the same about him, of course. But I'm surprised he feels that about me.)
There's nothing about our relationship that makes me feel guilty. Not the slightest bit. And I usually feel guilty for everything.
If I try to look upon this as "good effects - bad effects"...
Good effects
-Hope and joy for me
-Hope and joy for Toby
-Plain happy moments and fun
-He's encouraged me to write and make comics and is one of the reasons I dare write in public
Bad effects
-Hmm. I guess keeping it a secret from our families.
-And thus not being able to meet yet for four years.
-And not knowing when we CAN meet, which causes frustration and fear.
If it weren't for our families' homophobia, the bad effects would be nil. That says something.
What if he has the treatments and becomes male? Is he still female in the eyes of God, or do we become a heterosexual couple?
Oh, Bartleby. Oh, humanity.
To clarify: I don't give a shit about people using their "common sense" or even analytical intellect to interpret the Bible. (Or not using it, as the case might be.) What worries me is people who have actual experiences of God condemning their homosexuality, or being "healed". Although you still have to consider the possibilities of emotional manipulation, grasping at straws, maybe even hearing Satan say God doesn't love you if you're gay... Some of the people who "healed" initially have turned back into gays (or always been gays and not been able to change it). Some of them, unable to change, have killed themselves. This cannot be God's work.
So maybe even experiences are an endless debate, as long as they're not YOUR experiences. And even if they are, how can you trust that they are from God? I'm not sure why I bank so much on experiences, as opposed to the Bible. I know many very Biblical Christians. It just seems to me that your faith isn't very PERSONAL if you take it all from someone else's experiences (which is what the Bible is). But then what is the difference between the apostles' experiences and modern day people's?
If a stranger came to me tomorrow and said: "[real name], God wants you to give up homosexuality", I would probably believe it and try to change. That would be such a powerful experience, considering that they'd know my name and know about the sexuality to begin with. But has this happened? No. Not even if I prayed for God to do exactly this, back in the day. Back in 1999, when I realized I'm gay, I asked Him to show me in any way possible that this is wrong. I read many religious books, and I specifically avoided reading people's views on homosexuality. Instead, I read about hearing God's voice, recognizing it from your own mind, being empty in front of Him. I got nothing but acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. It blew me away. (It's the same with fat acceptance, by the way. But that's perhaps less controversial.)
Robyn says that if God is against gays, she's against God. I can't say that because it's so ingrained in me that God is the final authority, and I must do what He wants. My brain and heart agree 100 % with Robyn. But if I felt God wanted me to change - well, I'd deny my own experiences and my own logic and empathy. I'd convince myself that God knows better and being gay must be somehow lascivious in ways that I don't understand yet. Does this make me a weak person? Or a person of strong faith?
But then - there isn't ONE logical reason why God would be against gays and homosexuality. If God abandons me on Judgement Day because I didn't listen to the BIBLE, I dunno. Then I guess Heaven isn't worth it because who can tell which Bible passages I need to listen to? Just this one, or this and the ten commandments? Or the whole shebang?
What I do know:
I love Toby. Our relationship has brought me joy and hope in my depression. I've found someone who totally understands me and whom I can share everything with. He's a person who cares about how I see things, finds me fascinating and loveable and attractive. I'm truly blessed to have found such an empathetic, caring person. (I feel the same about him, of course. But I'm surprised he feels that about me.)
There's nothing about our relationship that makes me feel guilty. Not the slightest bit. And I usually feel guilty for everything.
If I try to look upon this as "good effects - bad effects"...
Good effects
-Hope and joy for me
-Hope and joy for Toby
-Plain happy moments and fun
-He's encouraged me to write and make comics and is one of the reasons I dare write in public
Bad effects
-Hmm. I guess keeping it a secret from our families.
-And thus not being able to meet yet for four years.
-And not knowing when we CAN meet, which causes frustration and fear.
If it weren't for our families' homophobia, the bad effects would be nil. That says something.
What if he has the treatments and becomes male? Is he still female in the eyes of God, or do we become a heterosexual couple?
Oh, Bartleby. Oh, humanity.