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Hee hee. Well, that's James Callis who apparently had a hair in his mouth. :D So he's trying to get it out. That's a very tiny moment in the video but I happened to pause there and.. heee, priceless. (Does he look a bit like John Cleese there?)
I'm trying to sort of get back to normal fangirling after the FB thing. I dunno why it feels a bit strange. I guess because he actually really talked to ME, and it wasn't a fantasy, and when I watch these things, he's not talking to me. Does that make sense? I think I have to go into a certain mode to deal with the FB and Twitter stuff, one that allows for him to be a real person in my realm and also to be left alone somewhat. That's very different from the fangirl realm where I treat him as a symbol of whatever I want. So he can be the most handsome prince on Earth or the ultimate donut guy or whatever I need at the moment, and thus I act like I know him and own him.
This is James rolling up his sleeves. Look, he's touching his shirt! And his arms! This is not supposed to be special but it is because it's James. What's wrong with my mind? (Also I love his smile, but that seems more normal.) I think it bugs me because these feelings are not strictly sexual or admiring. It's just something I have rarely seen James do, so it becomes special and new. Maybe it's like certain things Mary does - like the way she uses certain smilies, or says "That's so... :D" when she finds something really funny - that become fetishized because she is special, and that's why the things she does are special.
I think I like the idea of James touching his own skin, so maybe it's sexual after all. I dunno. Sex is weird.
Sometimes I feel like writing him a freeform prose poem that goes on forever and ever, where I explain everything about myself, my childhood, my fandom, every thought of him, etc. But I won't do it. Because I would be asking him for something - for him to open up like I did, or for him to appreciate my thoughts and feelings, whatever they may be. Or something, I don't even know what, and I don't want to ask him for anything. And maybe, strangely, I have an easier time being super open in these diary entries than I have in a space where only he can read. I'm not sure why. I don't feel like I'm talking to anyone in particular here. I know he may be reading, but I'll never know for sure. It just feels like a private space, because of being so public.
I may never talk to him in person again - well, I won't be able to control myself THAT much. But if I don't talk to him much, I might as well be the same fan self as before and talk about him as rudely personally as I want. I don't have to apologize to him or ask for permission. I guess I feel like the FB friendship gives me some responsibility I didn't have before. I'm not sure what that means, because he didn't ask me for anything, and seemed cool with me in general. Maybe I'm just too grateful and trying to be extra nice to him. That might be awkward. He probably doesn't think he did something super awesomely kind, and may be embarrassed I talked so much about it. Or maybe he's upset if I don't talk about it?
You know, it's one thing to be empathetic but I get these caleidoscopic "James may feel upset if I write about this - or if I don't write about this - or if I do write about it" things all the time. In the end, I have to make some choice. I think the depression makes it hard for me to see any positive options. There has to be a positive caleidoscope option too. Like "James doesn't mind if I don't write - but if I do write about it he will be happy too - and he can just not read if he's not invested in it".. or whatever. I don't know. Why do I make everything so complex? Maybe I should read some of the philosophy stuff he quotes, because it seems to aim at peace of mind rather than endless overthinking and understanding everything.
I'm trying to "get" his body and the donuts and all. I think what I'm trying to ask is whether I'm ok as a fat person, or someone who indulges and gains weight. He can't answer that question, but his body is telling me what I want to hear. So I guess it's good. I just feel like I keep missing something. Maybe the disconnect happens when I'm supposed to say I'm OK, because I'm not ready to say that. He's not fat, after all. But he is someone I consider a good person, so... Maybe the problem is that I don't consider myself a very good person. (Does he consider me a good person? He was respectful and warm in the messages. I think he does. O.o)
Or maybe I'll never get over it and talk about it forever and ever without really saying anything new. I don't know what I'm getting at here. So maybe I have a hair on my tongue too and can't get it out. I hate when that happens.