(no subject)
'So I think I might want to move my diary here permanently, because I never seem to write at the other diary blog. I know who reads here, I can make entries friends-only, it's all good. (Except for pictures, but I can do that at the blog and link.) Also, I may feel like proving that I don't only think of A Certain British Actor. Can't believe how much I've used that tag here.
Of course, if you only care about fan ponderings, feel free to jump over these posts. I mainly use this as a release valve, so I may post three times a week or once a month, whichever feels right.
So it was a good day. I called work and told them when I'm coming back. I'm doing Wed-Sun next week, so my official first day is 4th of August. That's a long holiday - 1st of July through 4th of August .This is one of the perks of the gallup job: lots of free time. Sadly, it also feels terrible to go back to my meaningless, boring job. But really... I don't know. It's not SO bad. It's better than doing nothing. I think. In a perfect world, I could write books and make my living doing that, but I can't seem to get even a full story written at this point. So maybe that's for the future.
My parents are odd. They dont get that I don't necessarily need to go to their rented cabin this summer.
And to be perfectly honest, I don't even particularly WANT to. I don't like that cabin. It does have electricty, indoor plumbing and all that, but zero privacy. It's in the middle of nowhere, there's no internet connection, and my parents are not the most interesting people in this world, to say the least. But even if it were the funnest place on earth, I've really enjoyed this summer of DOING NOTHING and BEING ALONE and THINKING. Maybe I'm the biggest, most boring nerd in the whole world, but honestly. I love being at home at the computer, and writing, and reading, and all that. Best summer ever.
I do worry that I*m neglecting all my friends, but that's usually for a reason. Like, I don't really enjoy being with them, or I have unresolved issues with them, or even am too ashamed to contact them after a long absence. And everybody has these friendships. The truth is, I have a hard time chipping off any of my free time to other people, because I need so much loneliness. But I do have the internet peeps, so I talk to someone every day. I'm not a hermit in the woods. (Even if I was - it would probably still be ok. But I don't want to be.)
Got photos from a family thing, and once again shocked and appalled at how fat I look. I don't FEEL that fat. I mean, I do feel fat, but I don't feel like I have a moon face and I'm twice as wide as everybody else. Maybe I'm just being way too harsh on myself as usual but... when will I get used to this?! Granted, I gained some weight since last year, so maybe it's all still new and whatever. Maybe I should try to be back under 200 pounds. Or maybe I'm especially BRAVE and UNIQUE because I dare be so fat. ...This stuff never leads anywhere, does it? I can sit here pondering on my fat til kingdom come and I won't come to any conclusion or learn anything about myself. I think it's just that old concern.. am I a monster? If so, how much of a monster am I? Does everyone who sees me feel appalled and upset at how I look?
I can talk about fat acceptance and I do believe in it, on an intellectual level. But emotionally, I'm scared of dieting because it always spins out of control and nothing is enough and then I'm trying to throw up or chewing and spitting my food. I can't make myself throw up, but I can make myself miserable trying, and it's just not where I want to be.
I'm worried about the cat's weight, but I think it's just an extension of my general anxieties about weight. He does want to eat, like, all the time though. I may have given him too many treats. I'll try to be better about that. Been a cat owner for a week or so, and already feel guilty about my possible neglects. He's a good cat, I want to take good care of him. I've lost a lot of my interest in the snails since he arrived, sadly. But I still feed them regularly, and I try to keep their tank clean (but not TOO clean - they get sick if you do, oddly). They eat, sleep, and poop, and that is all. But sometimes they're incredibly cute with their slimy, attachy bodies and amusingly cone-shaped shells.
(At this point, I went to bed. So maybe I'll write more rambly stuff today. It's another hot day so I'll flee into the library and read and get my brain properly twisted. In oher news, my back hurts, which doesn't help my fat crisis.)
Of course, if you only care about fan ponderings, feel free to jump over these posts. I mainly use this as a release valve, so I may post three times a week or once a month, whichever feels right.
So it was a good day. I called work and told them when I'm coming back. I'm doing Wed-Sun next week, so my official first day is 4th of August. That's a long holiday - 1st of July through 4th of August .This is one of the perks of the gallup job: lots of free time. Sadly, it also feels terrible to go back to my meaningless, boring job. But really... I don't know. It's not SO bad. It's better than doing nothing. I think. In a perfect world, I could write books and make my living doing that, but I can't seem to get even a full story written at this point. So maybe that's for the future.
My parents are odd. They dont get that I don't necessarily need to go to their rented cabin this summer.
And to be perfectly honest, I don't even particularly WANT to. I don't like that cabin. It does have electricty, indoor plumbing and all that, but zero privacy. It's in the middle of nowhere, there's no internet connection, and my parents are not the most interesting people in this world, to say the least. But even if it were the funnest place on earth, I've really enjoyed this summer of DOING NOTHING and BEING ALONE and THINKING. Maybe I'm the biggest, most boring nerd in the whole world, but honestly. I love being at home at the computer, and writing, and reading, and all that. Best summer ever.
I do worry that I*m neglecting all my friends, but that's usually for a reason. Like, I don't really enjoy being with them, or I have unresolved issues with them, or even am too ashamed to contact them after a long absence. And everybody has these friendships. The truth is, I have a hard time chipping off any of my free time to other people, because I need so much loneliness. But I do have the internet peeps, so I talk to someone every day. I'm not a hermit in the woods. (Even if I was - it would probably still be ok. But I don't want to be.)
Got photos from a family thing, and once again shocked and appalled at how fat I look. I don't FEEL that fat. I mean, I do feel fat, but I don't feel like I have a moon face and I'm twice as wide as everybody else. Maybe I'm just being way too harsh on myself as usual but... when will I get used to this?! Granted, I gained some weight since last year, so maybe it's all still new and whatever. Maybe I should try to be back under 200 pounds. Or maybe I'm especially BRAVE and UNIQUE because I dare be so fat. ...This stuff never leads anywhere, does it? I can sit here pondering on my fat til kingdom come and I won't come to any conclusion or learn anything about myself. I think it's just that old concern.. am I a monster? If so, how much of a monster am I? Does everyone who sees me feel appalled and upset at how I look?
I can talk about fat acceptance and I do believe in it, on an intellectual level. But emotionally, I'm scared of dieting because it always spins out of control and nothing is enough and then I'm trying to throw up or chewing and spitting my food. I can't make myself throw up, but I can make myself miserable trying, and it's just not where I want to be.
I'm worried about the cat's weight, but I think it's just an extension of my general anxieties about weight. He does want to eat, like, all the time though. I may have given him too many treats. I'll try to be better about that. Been a cat owner for a week or so, and already feel guilty about my possible neglects. He's a good cat, I want to take good care of him. I've lost a lot of my interest in the snails since he arrived, sadly. But I still feed them regularly, and I try to keep their tank clean (but not TOO clean - they get sick if you do, oddly). They eat, sleep, and poop, and that is all. But sometimes they're incredibly cute with their slimy, attachy bodies and amusingly cone-shaped shells.
(At this point, I went to bed. So maybe I'll write more rambly stuff today. It's another hot day so I'll flee into the library and read and get my brain properly twisted. In oher news, my back hurts, which doesn't help my fat crisis.)