Harry Potter And The Book That Totally Lives Up To All The Hype
I finished the seventh and final Harry Potter book about five hours ago.
And I am still revving so hard, I may be giving off a contact high.
Ho. Ly. Shit.
*deeeeeep breath*
In order:
OMG, Hedwig!! And Mad-Eye! NOO!! And Harry's inside goddamn Voldemort's head AGAIN, and it's freaking me out. And Ron is totally putting the moves on Hermione. And "Merlin's pants" is, like, the best new swear phrase ever. And if Ron hadn't burst in just then I think Ginny totally would have shown Harry a whole other kind of underage wizardry, if you know what I mean. And Norbert's a girl dragon, whuh? Lupin and Tonks got hitched and knocked up already?! And Scrimegeour shows up and totally, like, attacks Harry with his wand-point! "I open at the close"? The fuck does that mean? And hey, Wizarding fairy tales. Neat! And we get to see a (noticably abridged) wizard wedding ceremony. And Krum shows up all randomly, and is kind of a skeeve. And there's a fun drunken cranky Weasley aunt. And some creepy Dumbledore dark past secrets, what?! Sadly, the wedding fun comes to an end when it's attacked by Death Eaters, HO SHIT.
The trio is off on their quest (dun dun DUN)! Seriously freaky undead Dumbledore-themed jinx on the door, there (Mad-Eye, you sick crazy bastard...sniffle). And Regulus Black is the R.A.B. from the Horcrux Slytherin locket of doom (OMG CRAZY FANDOM WAS RIGHT) and the locket was in the house all along (OMG IT HAPPENED AGAIN)!! Muggleborn Registry, WHAT? And Lupin goes randomly batshit emo crazy, and Harry verbal bitch-slaps him. Really hard. More stuff about Dumbledore's weird secret family past? OMG UMBRIDGE OH THE FUCK NO AHHH!! But aww, Kreacher becomes all nice. SNAPE'S HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS?!!? Breaking into the Ministry, shiiit. CREEPY SCARY FREAKY EVIL STATUE OF DOOM, and really bad Muggleborn persecution shit. OH MY GOD RON LEFT, WHAT?!!? NOOOOO!!
Godic's Hollow gravestones: Dumbledore's mom, and sis (the suspense builds!) and Harry's parents, aww ("The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death": dun dun DUN), and the house where they lived and died, aww. And Nagini the snake is INSIDE THE DEAD LADY HOLY SHIT AAAAAAAHH!!! And Harry's wand broke, oh my GOD. Dumbledore was friends with the dark wizard Grindelwald?? AND THEY'RE ANTI-MUGGLE PLOTTING TOGETHER? Oh my GOD. (And "Nurmengard", gee, doesn't that sound kinda familiar...very subtle, JK) Magical mystery doe leads Harry to sword of Gryffindor! RON COMES BACK YAY!! EEEE, SCARY SCARY HORCRUX ILLUSIONS. And hey, Luna's dad! Wizarding fairy-tale story time ("Death spoke?" It's a story, Harry; STFU). Oh crap, Luna's dad's with the bad guys now. Sigh.
Deathly Hallows, wtf? I am so CONFUSED. Wizarding Wireless, yay! OH CRAP DEATH EATERS FIND THEM. Bellatrix is freaky, the Malfoys are in trouble, and Fenrir Greyback is a sick sick scary bastard. Hermione torture, NOO!! WTF is up with the mirror and Dumbledore's eye?? What a creepy way to die, Wormtail (Dumbledore was right!). OMIGOD DOBBY, NOOO!! NOT DOBBY, NOO, OMIGOD WHY?? Creepy goblin. Loads of stuff about wands. AHA THE ELDER WAND EXISTS; TAKE THAT, HERMIONE!! Lupin's baby is born and he's all happy and goofy yay!
Time to break into Gringotts! Hermione as Bellatrix eeeep. Harry's using the Imperius Curse?? The stakes, she is up. Holy cow, booby-trapped shit and escape on the back of a dragon!! Back to Hogwarts, yay! We meet Aberforth at last (we get it, JK: he likes the goats. Enough, already) and finally get the full story on Ariana, and holy crap. That whole family story, holy CRAP. Omigod Neville, leader of the underground movement (and his suddenly rather badass gran)! The whole DA, back again. Treasure hunt for the lost Ravenclaw diadem (love the "password" on the Ravenclaw common room). Voldemort's on the way, Snape jumps out a window, and, like, everyone we've ever met comes pouring in the the Room of Requirement. Yay Quidditch team! Yay Percy! Yay for Teddy's baby pictures (color-changing hair, aww)! The Gray Lady and Bloody Baron are the victims of a lover's murder-suicide?! Basilisk fangs kill the Hufflepuff cup, way to GO, Ron!! RON AND HERMIONE MAKE-OUT AT LAST YUSS (and it's him being all house-elf rights that gets it to happen; oh, Hermione)!! Holy crap, raging scaryass magical fire of doom, but hey, one more Horcrux down. And Harry saved Draco, whee! Percy makes a joke, and...FRED DIES WHAT WHY OH MY GOD FREEEED!!!
The final battle in earnest, and everyone is made of awesome. Statues! Portraits! Peeves! Deadly plants! The trio saves Draco again! McGonagall lets her hair down (literally!) and leads a desk stampede! Trelawney chucks crystal balls at people! Giant spiders attack, AUGH. Giants battle with Grawp. "Are you a wizard or what?" (Throwback! All the way to the first book!) And then...
Voldemort kills Snape. Snape dies.
And Harry goes back to the castle (TONKS AND LUPIN, NO. NO. Not fair. Not FAIR) and looks at Snape's memories, and Snape knew Lily ever since they were kids, and they started out friends, and Petunia's hatred of magic all comes from some ten year old kid's jealousy, and Dumbledore was already dying and ordered Snape to kill him, and Snape was in love with Lily all along, this whole time, and crazy fandom was right again, was right all along, and it all makes sense, and it's so terrible, and it hurts, it's like getting your heart torn out and stomped on. Again. And again. And oh my god, those eyes, his mother's eyes; Snape had to look at those eyes every time, and they were the last thing he wanted to see when he...when he...
And Harry knows the truth. In order to kill Voldemort, Harry has to die.
And he walks out of the castle, and he warns Neville (Colin Creevey, sniff!), and he walks into the Forbidden Forest...
I open at the close.
"I am about to die."
And, oh my god, this is it, oh my god. And his parents, and Sirius, and Lupin. And he goes, and he's there, and he looks at Voldemort, and Voldemort looks at him, and then he raises his wand and...oh my god.
...but, why are there two more chapters left?
And Harry's in Crazy Wizard Heaven, and it's DUMBLEDORE, oh my god, and HARRY ISN'T DEAD, oh my GOD.
And they talk, and...woah. The Hallows. The Horcruxes. The wands. Dumbledore's dark secret creepy tragic past. Of tragedy. And woe.
And Harry goes back.
And they think he's dead (and it's pretty much proved once for all that Bellatrix is hot for Voldie), and he plays dead (way to GO, Narcissa!), and they go back to the castle. And then the real Final Battle of Finality begins.
And, and, and Neville. Omigod, NEVILLE. With the attacking of Voldemort all on your on, and pulling out the sword, and slicing off that bigass mofo snake's head just like THAT. Oh, Neville, you BADASS.
And Grawp! And centaurs! And Buckbeak! And thestrals! And Slughorn! And house-elves; yay Kreacher! And three-on-one duels!
And oh my GOD, Mrs. Weasley. "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" And she takes her down, holy SHIT. MOLLY WEASLEY FTW.
And, Harry. Dramatic showdown. Stand off. Circle. Silence all around. Big reveals of everything Harry's learned in the past few hours. Big reveal of the chain, the truth, the master of the Elder Wand...
"Does the wand in your hand know its last master was Disarmed?" (Do ya feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?)
And then it's over. It's over. Voldemort is dead. Voldemort, at the hands of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived (and Lived, and Lived, and Lived), is dead.
And Harry goes and talks to Dumbledore's portrait (was I the only one who really wanted some visage of Snape to turn up at this point? Or with the Ressurrecion Stone? Or in Crazy Wizard Heaven?) and decides to forget the Stone, and screw the Wand, and he fixes his own wand with it, and that's it. It's done. It's over.
And then we cut to the future, and it's nineteen years later, and Harry and Ginny are married and have babies! And so are Ron and Hermione! And Ron can drive a Muggle car (even though he totally cheated on his driver's exam)! And Harry...really, really sucks at naming his kids (although, when he called the kid "Albus Severus" and said he was named for one of the bravest people Harry had ever known? Oh my god. I cried). And Neville's the Herbology professor! And Teddy Lupin is dating a Weasley (Fleur and Bill's daughter, methinks)! And Draco is...slightly less evil? Mundane? Who knows.
The point is, life goes on. And people actually survived. This is the calm after the storm.
This is the end.
And I am still revving so hard, I may be giving off a contact high.
Ho. Ly. Shit.
*deeeeeep breath*
In order:
OMG, Hedwig!! And Mad-Eye! NOO!! And Harry's inside goddamn Voldemort's head AGAIN, and it's freaking me out. And Ron is totally putting the moves on Hermione. And "Merlin's pants" is, like, the best new swear phrase ever. And if Ron hadn't burst in just then I think Ginny totally would have shown Harry a whole other kind of underage wizardry, if you know what I mean. And Norbert's a girl dragon, whuh? Lupin and Tonks got hitched and knocked up already?! And Scrimegeour shows up and totally, like, attacks Harry with his wand-point! "I open at the close"? The fuck does that mean? And hey, Wizarding fairy tales. Neat! And we get to see a (noticably abridged) wizard wedding ceremony. And Krum shows up all randomly, and is kind of a skeeve. And there's a fun drunken cranky Weasley aunt. And some creepy Dumbledore dark past secrets, what?! Sadly, the wedding fun comes to an end when it's attacked by Death Eaters, HO SHIT.
The trio is off on their quest (dun dun DUN)! Seriously freaky undead Dumbledore-themed jinx on the door, there (Mad-Eye, you sick crazy bastard...sniffle). And Regulus Black is the R.A.B. from the Horcrux Slytherin locket of doom (OMG CRAZY FANDOM WAS RIGHT) and the locket was in the house all along (OMG IT HAPPENED AGAIN)!! Muggleborn Registry, WHAT? And Lupin goes randomly batshit emo crazy, and Harry verbal bitch-slaps him. Really hard. More stuff about Dumbledore's weird secret family past? OMG UMBRIDGE OH THE FUCK NO AHHH!! But aww, Kreacher becomes all nice. SNAPE'S HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS?!!? Breaking into the Ministry, shiiit. CREEPY SCARY FREAKY EVIL STATUE OF DOOM, and really bad Muggleborn persecution shit. OH MY GOD RON LEFT, WHAT?!!? NOOOOO!!
Godic's Hollow gravestones: Dumbledore's mom, and sis (the suspense builds!) and Harry's parents, aww ("The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death": dun dun DUN), and the house where they lived and died, aww. And Nagini the snake is INSIDE THE DEAD LADY HOLY SHIT AAAAAAAHH!!! And Harry's wand broke, oh my GOD. Dumbledore was friends with the dark wizard Grindelwald?? AND THEY'RE ANTI-MUGGLE PLOTTING TOGETHER? Oh my GOD. (And "Nurmengard", gee, doesn't that sound kinda familiar...very subtle, JK) Magical mystery doe leads Harry to sword of Gryffindor! RON COMES BACK YAY!! EEEE, SCARY SCARY HORCRUX ILLUSIONS. And hey, Luna's dad! Wizarding fairy-tale story time ("Death spoke?" It's a story, Harry; STFU). Oh crap, Luna's dad's with the bad guys now. Sigh.
Deathly Hallows, wtf? I am so CONFUSED. Wizarding Wireless, yay! OH CRAP DEATH EATERS FIND THEM. Bellatrix is freaky, the Malfoys are in trouble, and Fenrir Greyback is a sick sick scary bastard. Hermione torture, NOO!! WTF is up with the mirror and Dumbledore's eye?? What a creepy way to die, Wormtail (Dumbledore was right!). OMIGOD DOBBY, NOOO!! NOT DOBBY, NOO, OMIGOD WHY?? Creepy goblin. Loads of stuff about wands. AHA THE ELDER WAND EXISTS; TAKE THAT, HERMIONE!! Lupin's baby is born and he's all happy and goofy yay!
Time to break into Gringotts! Hermione as Bellatrix eeeep. Harry's using the Imperius Curse?? The stakes, she is up. Holy cow, booby-trapped shit and escape on the back of a dragon!! Back to Hogwarts, yay! We meet Aberforth at last (we get it, JK: he likes the goats. Enough, already) and finally get the full story on Ariana, and holy crap. That whole family story, holy CRAP. Omigod Neville, leader of the underground movement (and his suddenly rather badass gran)! The whole DA, back again. Treasure hunt for the lost Ravenclaw diadem (love the "password" on the Ravenclaw common room). Voldemort's on the way, Snape jumps out a window, and, like, everyone we've ever met comes pouring in the the Room of Requirement. Yay Quidditch team! Yay Percy! Yay for Teddy's baby pictures (color-changing hair, aww)! The Gray Lady and Bloody Baron are the victims of a lover's murder-suicide?! Basilisk fangs kill the Hufflepuff cup, way to GO, Ron!! RON AND HERMIONE MAKE-OUT AT LAST YUSS (and it's him being all house-elf rights that gets it to happen; oh, Hermione)!! Holy crap, raging scaryass magical fire of doom, but hey, one more Horcrux down. And Harry saved Draco, whee! Percy makes a joke, and...FRED DIES WHAT WHY OH MY GOD FREEEED!!!
The final battle in earnest, and everyone is made of awesome. Statues! Portraits! Peeves! Deadly plants! The trio saves Draco again! McGonagall lets her hair down (literally!) and leads a desk stampede! Trelawney chucks crystal balls at people! Giant spiders attack, AUGH. Giants battle with Grawp. "Are you a wizard or what?" (Throwback! All the way to the first book!) And then...
Voldemort kills Snape. Snape dies.
And Harry goes back to the castle (TONKS AND LUPIN, NO. NO. Not fair. Not FAIR) and looks at Snape's memories, and Snape knew Lily ever since they were kids, and they started out friends, and Petunia's hatred of magic all comes from some ten year old kid's jealousy, and Dumbledore was already dying and ordered Snape to kill him, and Snape was in love with Lily all along, this whole time, and crazy fandom was right again, was right all along, and it all makes sense, and it's so terrible, and it hurts, it's like getting your heart torn out and stomped on. Again. And again. And oh my god, those eyes, his mother's eyes; Snape had to look at those eyes every time, and they were the last thing he wanted to see when he...when he...
And Harry knows the truth. In order to kill Voldemort, Harry has to die.
And he walks out of the castle, and he warns Neville (Colin Creevey, sniff!), and he walks into the Forbidden Forest...
I open at the close.
"I am about to die."
And, oh my god, this is it, oh my god. And his parents, and Sirius, and Lupin. And he goes, and he's there, and he looks at Voldemort, and Voldemort looks at him, and then he raises his wand and...oh my god.
...but, why are there two more chapters left?
And Harry's in Crazy Wizard Heaven, and it's DUMBLEDORE, oh my god, and HARRY ISN'T DEAD, oh my GOD.
And they talk, and...woah. The Hallows. The Horcruxes. The wands. Dumbledore's dark secret creepy tragic past. Of tragedy. And woe.
And Harry goes back.
And they think he's dead (and it's pretty much proved once for all that Bellatrix is hot for Voldie), and he plays dead (way to GO, Narcissa!), and they go back to the castle. And then the real Final Battle of Finality begins.
And, and, and Neville. Omigod, NEVILLE. With the attacking of Voldemort all on your on, and pulling out the sword, and slicing off that bigass mofo snake's head just like THAT. Oh, Neville, you BADASS.
And Grawp! And centaurs! And Buckbeak! And thestrals! And Slughorn! And house-elves; yay Kreacher! And three-on-one duels!
And oh my GOD, Mrs. Weasley. "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" And she takes her down, holy SHIT. MOLLY WEASLEY FTW.
And, Harry. Dramatic showdown. Stand off. Circle. Silence all around. Big reveals of everything Harry's learned in the past few hours. Big reveal of the chain, the truth, the master of the Elder Wand...
"Does the wand in your hand know its last master was Disarmed?" (Do ya feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?)
And then it's over. It's over. Voldemort is dead. Voldemort, at the hands of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived (and Lived, and Lived, and Lived), is dead.
And Harry goes and talks to Dumbledore's portrait (was I the only one who really wanted some visage of Snape to turn up at this point? Or with the Ressurrecion Stone? Or in Crazy Wizard Heaven?) and decides to forget the Stone, and screw the Wand, and he fixes his own wand with it, and that's it. It's done. It's over.
And then we cut to the future, and it's nineteen years later, and Harry and Ginny are married and have babies! And so are Ron and Hermione! And Ron can drive a Muggle car (even though he totally cheated on his driver's exam)! And Harry...really, really sucks at naming his kids (although, when he called the kid "Albus Severus" and said he was named for one of the bravest people Harry had ever known? Oh my god. I cried). And Neville's the Herbology professor! And Teddy Lupin is dating a Weasley (Fleur and Bill's daughter, methinks)! And Draco is...slightly less evil? Mundane? Who knows.
The point is, life goes on. And people actually survived. This is the calm after the storm.
This is the end.