2008-09-10 Wednesday
This morning the phone rang and 4:45 am with my wife on the line. She was checking on me. She said I sounded panicked. I guess that is because I had fallen back to sleep and was actually sleeping soundly unlike previous mornings. I was happy to hear from her. Then I got to speak to my son. He was in a great mood. It was so cool to hear him happy. It made it easier to get moving this morning especially since I woke up with a full up migrane and muscle aches. This lack of sleep is starting to wear me out. I will not give up my morning calls tho.
I only have 3 more days here. I fly back on the Friday evening red eye flight. I am on the downhill part of this trip.
I started my training today. I felt like I was focused and on a roll. My team said that I was very serious and seemed almost angry. I guess that is the new focused me. I was not angry I was just concentrating. This is a much larger chore these days. So what do I do. I plan to be me. I am who I am and I am the way that I am. I don't need people to like me or feel happy around me. I just need them to accept me the way I am. I will do a good job but do not expect me to be sunshine and roses. My sunshine and roses died when my baby girl died.
My job search seems to be gaining some steam. No genuine leads or interviews yet but I do have some positive feedback and empty promises. I am not too nervous yet. I will keep working hard to keep my financial future stable for my family. Did I mention that I live for my family. I will do what it takes to give them the stability that they need to work through our grief. They deserve it. We all deserve more than life is giving us right now. If there is a plan to the universe the I hate the plan. I hate the planner. I want off. This plan, this direction, this course, this life fucking sucks.
Delaney was good, and pure, and innocent, and a joy to so many. She deserved better. She deserved more. There are so many people that simply go through the motions and don't make a difference in life. People who don't care. People who don't contribute to the human experience. Delaney did. Why do those empty people get to live and Delaney didn't? Why her and not me?
I only have 3 more days here. I fly back on the Friday evening red eye flight. I am on the downhill part of this trip.
I started my training today. I felt like I was focused and on a roll. My team said that I was very serious and seemed almost angry. I guess that is the new focused me. I was not angry I was just concentrating. This is a much larger chore these days. So what do I do. I plan to be me. I am who I am and I am the way that I am. I don't need people to like me or feel happy around me. I just need them to accept me the way I am. I will do a good job but do not expect me to be sunshine and roses. My sunshine and roses died when my baby girl died.
My job search seems to be gaining some steam. No genuine leads or interviews yet but I do have some positive feedback and empty promises. I am not too nervous yet. I will keep working hard to keep my financial future stable for my family. Did I mention that I live for my family. I will do what it takes to give them the stability that they need to work through our grief. They deserve it. We all deserve more than life is giving us right now. If there is a plan to the universe the I hate the plan. I hate the planner. I want off. This plan, this direction, this course, this life fucking sucks.
Delaney was good, and pure, and innocent, and a joy to so many. She deserved better. She deserved more. There are so many people that simply go through the motions and don't make a difference in life. People who don't care. People who don't contribute to the human experience. Delaney did. Why do those empty people get to live and Delaney didn't? Why her and not me?