(no subject)
Title: McGonagall Monologues V: Hogsmeade Weekend
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: G
Word Count: 922
Warnings: attempts at humour
Pairing/Characters: Professor Minerva McGonagall, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, with mentions of Sirius Black, James Potter, Horace Slughorn, Madame Rosmerta and Professor Vector
Spoilers/Era: Half-Blood Prince, MWPP era
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the Marauders are the property of J. K. Rowling. I gain no profit from this work of fiction. If I owned them Sirius and Remus would have survived and lived happily ever after... together.
Author's Note: Another McGonagall Monologue that's been burning a hole in my harddrive for almost a year.
Summary: MWPP!era. Hogsmeade Weekend should be a day off for Minerva, she isn't even on duty. But things never go quite according to plan when James Potter and Sirius Black are involved.
“Mr Pettigrew. Alone today, I see. Might I ask why you are here interrupting my leisurely drink during a Hogsmeade weekend when you should instead be irritating the poor unfortunates who live here.
I have no doubt that Mr Black and Mr Potter are in trouble: that is their general state of being. The wonderful thing about today, however, is that their trouble, for once, is not mine.
Professors Slughorn and Vector are on Hogsmeade duty today; please direct your concerns to them, not me.
Mr Pettigrew, I’m afraid you may have to speak a little slower if you expect me to be able to interpret.
What do you mean: Professor Slughorn is a monkey?
And who exactly was Mr Black aiming for?
Sadly that makes all too much sense. However, even if Professor Slughorn is indisposed, might I still recommend that you go to Professor Vector and allow me to finish my Gillywater in peace?
… Am I to take, by the look of abject terror on your face that something has also happened to Professor Vector?
I gather from the hole you are gnawing into your bottom lip that it’s worse than being turned into a monkey.
Mumbling the words will not make the problem go away, Mr Pettigrew.
I think I must have misheard you. Did you say that Professor Vector had been kidnapped by a squirrel?
You did? Oh… I feel certain that I will regret the next words that come out of my mouth and yet I feel obliged to say them anyway: how, exactly, did that happen?
… no, I can’t say I am familiar with the effects shrinking charms have on humans, although I am sure Mr Potter will find great enjoyment writing an essay on them for me in detention on Tuesday, while Mr Black details the complex ethical concerns of using animal transfiguration on humans.
And what exactly would a squirrel want with Professor Vector, three inches tall or not? Do you think that it has a desperate interest in learning Arithmancy?
Humans look nothing like baby squirrels, Mr Pettigrew. Mr Black has a rather overactive imagination; if I were you, I’d stop paying such great attention to what he has to say and focus your attentions more fully on your lessons and trying to stay away from the trouble that seems to follow your friends around.
I am positive, no matter what Mr Potter may have said, that squirrels do not have a taste for human flesh.
Not even Professor Vector’s.
Mr Pettigrew, you do not need to worry about Professor Vector. Even as a three inch tall wizard he is still a wizard and therefore more than capable of taking care of himself against a squirrel.
Please, for the sake of my sanity, do not tell me that there is more to come.
Thank Merlin… Miss Evans? If the reason you are out of breath and eager for my attention is to inform me of what has happened to Professor Slughorn and Professor Vector, then Mr Pettigrew has already updated me on the situation.
Of course there’s more. Potter and Black were involved, how could there not be more?
Please continue, Miss Evans, heaven forbid I should ever be allowed to finish one small drink without James Potter and Sirius Black causing me a minor heart attack.
I am aware of the squirrel situation, yes, though as I told Mr Pettigrew, there is no cause for great alarm.
I see… so Mr Potter was attempting to rectify the situation?
Let me guess: instead of hitting the Professor, he hit the squirrel.
After years of dealing with the antics of Black and Potter, certain patterns emerge. For some reason, a giant squirrel seemed just the thing to make this story complete. Tell me, Miss Evans, is it too much to ask that the poor, traumatised creature is huddled in a ball somewhere causing no alarm or damage to -
Enraged? Really, I can’t imagine why. Has it killed anyone yet?
Not even Potter or Black?
I suppose that was a bit too much to ask. Although, it’s probably for the best: Walburga Black would not take well to hearing that her eldest son and heir had been squashed by a sixteen foot squirrel.
There is always more, Miss Evans. It is a never-ending stream of catastrophe and calamity where those two are concerned.
Professor Slughorn is what?
Yes, that’s what I thought you said.
Mr Pettigrew, stay where you are! I don’t care if your Potions Master is involved in a death match with a giant squirrel; there is nothing to gawk at out there. Mr Pettigrew!
Would you say the giant squirrel was winning, Miss Evans?
Really, he went for the tail… interesting choice. Dare I ask what Mr Potter and Mr Black were doing during this altercation?
I was under the impression that Mr Lupin was the resident bookmaker.
Oh, of course, I’d forgotten. His mother is very unwell at the moment.
The carnage does seem to be getting closer, doesn’t it? I imagine, from the screams of terror that the sound of shattering glass came from Honeydukes’ front window.
Right. I’ll be out in a second, Miss Evans.
Oh and, Miss Evans? Tell Mr Black to put a galleon on the giant squirrel.
…
Rosmerta, I’ll be back in five minutes, could you pour me a firewhiskey, please?
Yes, that was a monkey trying to strangle a giant squirrel. Why do you ask?
Rosmerta? You’d better make that a double.”
-
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: G
Word Count: 922
Warnings: attempts at humour
Pairing/Characters: Professor Minerva McGonagall, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, with mentions of Sirius Black, James Potter, Horace Slughorn, Madame Rosmerta and Professor Vector
Spoilers/Era: Half-Blood Prince, MWPP era
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the Marauders are the property of J. K. Rowling. I gain no profit from this work of fiction. If I owned them Sirius and Remus would have survived and lived happily ever after... together.
Author's Note: Another McGonagall Monologue that's been burning a hole in my harddrive for almost a year.
Summary: MWPP!era. Hogsmeade Weekend should be a day off for Minerva, she isn't even on duty. But things never go quite according to plan when James Potter and Sirius Black are involved.
“Mr Pettigrew. Alone today, I see. Might I ask why you are here interrupting my leisurely drink during a Hogsmeade weekend when you should instead be irritating the poor unfortunates who live here.
I have no doubt that Mr Black and Mr Potter are in trouble: that is their general state of being. The wonderful thing about today, however, is that their trouble, for once, is not mine.
Professors Slughorn and Vector are on Hogsmeade duty today; please direct your concerns to them, not me.
Mr Pettigrew, I’m afraid you may have to speak a little slower if you expect me to be able to interpret.
What do you mean: Professor Slughorn is a monkey?
And who exactly was Mr Black aiming for?
Sadly that makes all too much sense. However, even if Professor Slughorn is indisposed, might I still recommend that you go to Professor Vector and allow me to finish my Gillywater in peace?
… Am I to take, by the look of abject terror on your face that something has also happened to Professor Vector?
I gather from the hole you are gnawing into your bottom lip that it’s worse than being turned into a monkey.
Mumbling the words will not make the problem go away, Mr Pettigrew.
I think I must have misheard you. Did you say that Professor Vector had been kidnapped by a squirrel?
You did? Oh… I feel certain that I will regret the next words that come out of my mouth and yet I feel obliged to say them anyway: how, exactly, did that happen?
… no, I can’t say I am familiar with the effects shrinking charms have on humans, although I am sure Mr Potter will find great enjoyment writing an essay on them for me in detention on Tuesday, while Mr Black details the complex ethical concerns of using animal transfiguration on humans.
And what exactly would a squirrel want with Professor Vector, three inches tall or not? Do you think that it has a desperate interest in learning Arithmancy?
Humans look nothing like baby squirrels, Mr Pettigrew. Mr Black has a rather overactive imagination; if I were you, I’d stop paying such great attention to what he has to say and focus your attentions more fully on your lessons and trying to stay away from the trouble that seems to follow your friends around.
I am positive, no matter what Mr Potter may have said, that squirrels do not have a taste for human flesh.
Not even Professor Vector’s.
Mr Pettigrew, you do not need to worry about Professor Vector. Even as a three inch tall wizard he is still a wizard and therefore more than capable of taking care of himself against a squirrel.
Please, for the sake of my sanity, do not tell me that there is more to come.
Thank Merlin… Miss Evans? If the reason you are out of breath and eager for my attention is to inform me of what has happened to Professor Slughorn and Professor Vector, then Mr Pettigrew has already updated me on the situation.
Of course there’s more. Potter and Black were involved, how could there not be more?
Please continue, Miss Evans, heaven forbid I should ever be allowed to finish one small drink without James Potter and Sirius Black causing me a minor heart attack.
I am aware of the squirrel situation, yes, though as I told Mr Pettigrew, there is no cause for great alarm.
I see… so Mr Potter was attempting to rectify the situation?
Let me guess: instead of hitting the Professor, he hit the squirrel.
After years of dealing with the antics of Black and Potter, certain patterns emerge. For some reason, a giant squirrel seemed just the thing to make this story complete. Tell me, Miss Evans, is it too much to ask that the poor, traumatised creature is huddled in a ball somewhere causing no alarm or damage to -
Enraged? Really, I can’t imagine why. Has it killed anyone yet?
Not even Potter or Black?
I suppose that was a bit too much to ask. Although, it’s probably for the best: Walburga Black would not take well to hearing that her eldest son and heir had been squashed by a sixteen foot squirrel.
There is always more, Miss Evans. It is a never-ending stream of catastrophe and calamity where those two are concerned.
Professor Slughorn is what?
Yes, that’s what I thought you said.
Mr Pettigrew, stay where you are! I don’t care if your Potions Master is involved in a death match with a giant squirrel; there is nothing to gawk at out there. Mr Pettigrew!
Would you say the giant squirrel was winning, Miss Evans?
Really, he went for the tail… interesting choice. Dare I ask what Mr Potter and Mr Black were doing during this altercation?
I was under the impression that Mr Lupin was the resident bookmaker.
Oh, of course, I’d forgotten. His mother is very unwell at the moment.
The carnage does seem to be getting closer, doesn’t it? I imagine, from the screams of terror that the sound of shattering glass came from Honeydukes’ front window.
Right. I’ll be out in a second, Miss Evans.
Oh and, Miss Evans? Tell Mr Black to put a galleon on the giant squirrel.
…
Rosmerta, I’ll be back in five minutes, could you pour me a firewhiskey, please?
Yes, that was a monkey trying to strangle a giant squirrel. Why do you ask?
Rosmerta? You’d better make that a double.”
-