Fic: Harry Potter; G; McGonagall Monologues
Title: McGonagall Monologues IIII: Hell hound
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: G
Word Count: 1525
Warnings: attempts at humour
Pairing/Characters: Professor Minerva McGonagall, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Padfoot, and a cameo by Peter Pettigrew/Wormtail
Spoilers/Era: Prisoner of Azkaban, MWPP era
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the Marauders are the property of J. K. Rowling. I gain no profit from this work of fiction. If I owned them Sirius and Remus would have survived and lived happily ever after... together.
Author's Note: Another McGonagall Monologue that's been burning a hole in my harddrive for almost a year.
Summary: MWPP!era. After a slight problem with the animagus transformation James and Remus are called to Professor McGonagall's office to explain a slight canine problem the school is having.
“Mr Potter, Mr Lupin. I had hoped that a week would pass without my having to resort to the dubious pleasure of your company but, alas, it seems I was mistaken.
I take, from your cry of relief, that this animal is yours.
I can see that that is a dog, Mr Potter. I am not blind nor am I mad, though you and Mr Black have made a valiant attempt on that score. What I do not know, however, is how it got here.
You found it? You brought a stray animal into the castle without informing a member of staff? While your lack of consideration and forethought does not surprise me, Mr Potter, I have to say that I would not expect quite such a deficiency in you, Mr Lupin.
It found you? As that may be, Mr Lupin, you still should have informed a member of staff and taken it to either Hagrid or Madam Pomfrey to have it checked over for diseases.
It may seem perfectly healthy, but you can never judge on appearances.
No you may not keep it.
Dogs are not on the list of allowable student pets, Mr Potter.
Speciesist or not, those are the rules.
Given the chaos that this one animal has raised, I hardly think that the reasoning behind the rule need be explained.
If you knew this was going to happen, Mr Lupin, then it might have been a better solution to prevent it than to wait for it to occur and then sigh in exasperation.
Yes, Mr Potter, chaos. I might even go far as to say pandemonium. If I didn’t know better I would swear that this canine was related to you or Mr Black.
I hardly think my comment was that funny, Mr Potter. Now, given that you two seem to have some responsibility for the animal I think it only fair that you be the ones to rectify the mayhem it has caused.
It was found half an hour ago by two seventh year Slytherin students who reported that it was urinating on the entrance to their common room. You two had been heard to be asking about such an animal so it was brought to me.
Mr Potter, it is most certainly not a good dog! Five points from Gryffindor for endorsing the vandalism of another house’s common room.
No, Mr Potter, there will be no biscuits, nor treats of any kind for your dog. In fact, the animal must be removed from the school, immediately, and the pair of you will be on detention for the rest of the week until the damage caused by this canine nightmare has been fixed.
That comment, Mr Potter, has earned you the joy of cleaning up the urine and also five points from Gryffindor.
No, Mr Potter, I am not finished yet. I have barely even begun to describe the activities which this dog has indulged in during the last twenty four hours.
Well, Mr Lupin. Argus has supplied me with a list of known offences. It seems that - so far - your pet has overturned seventeen suits of armour, disrupted four lessons and stolen bags from six students, leaving their contents strewn down the passageways. Madam Pince has complained that it earlier went on a rampage in the library, knocked over three tables and destroyed five books.
Yes, I do have the titles: A Treatise on the Control and Extermination of Dark Creatures, The Political and Philosophical Catalysts of the Fourth Goblin War, A Complete History of British Wizarding Bloodlines, and two copies of Hogwarts, a History. I believe it had chewed its way through to the seventh chapter of the second copy before Madam Pince chased it out. She is, naturally, very upset, although she admits that the damage could have been far worse.
Bad dog does not quite do the animal justice, Mr Lupin. Hell hound might be more appropriate.
I am still not finished. In addition to this it appears to have taken a peculiar distaste to Mr Snape, one might even call it a vendetta. Had it not been for its apparent connection to you Mr Potter, I might have deemed this purely coincidental but now…
It entered his Charms lesson this morning and stole his wand then proceeded to lead him on a chase round the entire school before dropping it into the lake. It also chewed up his potions essay, jumped out at him twelve times over the course of the day and he is now in the hospital wing after having broken down in my Transfiguration lesson whimpering about an evil dog. Until the animal was brought to me I feared for his mental health.
Mr Potter, I hardly think such harassment is a laughing matter.
No, Mr Lupin, that is still not all. The creature appeared in the third year divination class after lunch and half the students are now convinced that they have seen a Grim and are about to die. Professor Delphine has cancelled all her lessons for the rest of the term and Professor Dumbledore is currently trying to convince her not to retire immediately and pursue her lifetime dream of visiting the soothsayers of South America before it is too late.
Mr Lupin, I cannot condone the insulting of any member of the Hogwarts staff, although I agree that her concerns appear a little spurious, especially when I am confronted with the animal in question.
No, Mr Potter, I am still not finished. There remains the small matter of a suitable sentence for being instrumental in this disaster.
As it is impossible to connect either of you directly with its acts of terrorism, I feel it would be unfair to be too harsh.
I am sure I could survive without your undying gratitude, Mr Potter, as every time I have received it so far it has merely led to you appearing in my office more frequently because of worse incidents.
I think ten points each from Gryffindor for having brought the animal into the school in the first place and for being unable to control it. Mr Lupin, report to Madam Pince in the library tonight at seven; Mr Potter, Mr Filch will be waiting for you in the entrance hall at the same time.
Please get your dog to desist from looking at me like that.
Mr Lupin, I don’t care if it has never listened to you before, you will attempt to control…
Get off my lap.
I don’t care what he wants, Mr Potter. I want him out of my office.
Don’t whine at me like that.
I was talking to the dog, not you, Mr Potter.
I am not going to encourage the creature, Mr Lupin.
Off! Stop looking at me like that.
I don’t care if he does like me, Mr Potter. I have always been more of a cat person.
Fine. If that gets it off me. There, happy now?
…
That pile contained Second Year Transfiguration essays, Mr Potter.
I understand that it was an accident, Mr Lupin, but the fact remains that if the dog had not been here its tail would not have knocked over the ink and I would not have to clean it up.
No… sit! Sit!
The dog must go.
No buts. Let this be a lesson to you not to pick up strays.
Fine, you have until the end of the week to find a suitable arrangement for it. But if anything else happens then I will be forced to take matters into my own hands. Do we have an agreement?
Good.
Mr Black and Mr Pettigrew are conspicuously missing. While the eternal optimist in me hopes that their absence is because they saw the error of their ways and have decided to become model students and better human beings, the realist understands that this is more likely to be because they are have yet to be caught and further devastation follows in their wake. Please tell me that I am wrong.
Stuck how?
On second thoughts, I don’t want to know. As long as they are somewhere other than here I am sure I will manage. If you see them and they happen to be engaging in activities I would not appreciate, please tell them that today I am not in the mood for another of their visits.
Mr Potter, why is your pocket squeaking?
Yes, it is… It is also wriggling.
I am glad you are being so forward thinking with your homework.
Remember, 7 o’clock tonight, sharp, both of you. If Madam Pince or Mr Filch reports that you have been absent or even a half a minute late, then I shall be forced to take more extreme measures.
Now, please remove yourselves and your menagerie from my sight.
One way or another it will be leaving whether it wants to or not, Mr Lupin.
Mr Potter, perhaps you should help him instead of grinning inanely in the doorway.
Good, it seems that you can get it to behave, try to keep it up.
Please shut the door behind you, Mr Potter.
Goodbye.”
Fandom: Harry Potter
Rating: G
Word Count: 1525
Warnings: attempts at humour
Pairing/Characters: Professor Minerva McGonagall, James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Padfoot, and a cameo by Peter Pettigrew/Wormtail
Spoilers/Era: Prisoner of Azkaban, MWPP era
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the Marauders are the property of J. K. Rowling. I gain no profit from this work of fiction. If I owned them Sirius and Remus would have survived and lived happily ever after... together.
Author's Note: Another McGonagall Monologue that's been burning a hole in my harddrive for almost a year.
Summary: MWPP!era. After a slight problem with the animagus transformation James and Remus are called to Professor McGonagall's office to explain a slight canine problem the school is having.
“Mr Potter, Mr Lupin. I had hoped that a week would pass without my having to resort to the dubious pleasure of your company but, alas, it seems I was mistaken.
I take, from your cry of relief, that this animal is yours.
I can see that that is a dog, Mr Potter. I am not blind nor am I mad, though you and Mr Black have made a valiant attempt on that score. What I do not know, however, is how it got here.
You found it? You brought a stray animal into the castle without informing a member of staff? While your lack of consideration and forethought does not surprise me, Mr Potter, I have to say that I would not expect quite such a deficiency in you, Mr Lupin.
It found you? As that may be, Mr Lupin, you still should have informed a member of staff and taken it to either Hagrid or Madam Pomfrey to have it checked over for diseases.
It may seem perfectly healthy, but you can never judge on appearances.
No you may not keep it.
Dogs are not on the list of allowable student pets, Mr Potter.
Speciesist or not, those are the rules.
Given the chaos that this one animal has raised, I hardly think that the reasoning behind the rule need be explained.
If you knew this was going to happen, Mr Lupin, then it might have been a better solution to prevent it than to wait for it to occur and then sigh in exasperation.
Yes, Mr Potter, chaos. I might even go far as to say pandemonium. If I didn’t know better I would swear that this canine was related to you or Mr Black.
I hardly think my comment was that funny, Mr Potter. Now, given that you two seem to have some responsibility for the animal I think it only fair that you be the ones to rectify the mayhem it has caused.
It was found half an hour ago by two seventh year Slytherin students who reported that it was urinating on the entrance to their common room. You two had been heard to be asking about such an animal so it was brought to me.
Mr Potter, it is most certainly not a good dog! Five points from Gryffindor for endorsing the vandalism of another house’s common room.
No, Mr Potter, there will be no biscuits, nor treats of any kind for your dog. In fact, the animal must be removed from the school, immediately, and the pair of you will be on detention for the rest of the week until the damage caused by this canine nightmare has been fixed.
That comment, Mr Potter, has earned you the joy of cleaning up the urine and also five points from Gryffindor.
No, Mr Potter, I am not finished yet. I have barely even begun to describe the activities which this dog has indulged in during the last twenty four hours.
Well, Mr Lupin. Argus has supplied me with a list of known offences. It seems that - so far - your pet has overturned seventeen suits of armour, disrupted four lessons and stolen bags from six students, leaving their contents strewn down the passageways. Madam Pince has complained that it earlier went on a rampage in the library, knocked over three tables and destroyed five books.
Yes, I do have the titles: A Treatise on the Control and Extermination of Dark Creatures, The Political and Philosophical Catalysts of the Fourth Goblin War, A Complete History of British Wizarding Bloodlines, and two copies of Hogwarts, a History. I believe it had chewed its way through to the seventh chapter of the second copy before Madam Pince chased it out. She is, naturally, very upset, although she admits that the damage could have been far worse.
Bad dog does not quite do the animal justice, Mr Lupin. Hell hound might be more appropriate.
I am still not finished. In addition to this it appears to have taken a peculiar distaste to Mr Snape, one might even call it a vendetta. Had it not been for its apparent connection to you Mr Potter, I might have deemed this purely coincidental but now…
It entered his Charms lesson this morning and stole his wand then proceeded to lead him on a chase round the entire school before dropping it into the lake. It also chewed up his potions essay, jumped out at him twelve times over the course of the day and he is now in the hospital wing after having broken down in my Transfiguration lesson whimpering about an evil dog. Until the animal was brought to me I feared for his mental health.
Mr Potter, I hardly think such harassment is a laughing matter.
No, Mr Lupin, that is still not all. The creature appeared in the third year divination class after lunch and half the students are now convinced that they have seen a Grim and are about to die. Professor Delphine has cancelled all her lessons for the rest of the term and Professor Dumbledore is currently trying to convince her not to retire immediately and pursue her lifetime dream of visiting the soothsayers of South America before it is too late.
Mr Lupin, I cannot condone the insulting of any member of the Hogwarts staff, although I agree that her concerns appear a little spurious, especially when I am confronted with the animal in question.
No, Mr Potter, I am still not finished. There remains the small matter of a suitable sentence for being instrumental in this disaster.
As it is impossible to connect either of you directly with its acts of terrorism, I feel it would be unfair to be too harsh.
I am sure I could survive without your undying gratitude, Mr Potter, as every time I have received it so far it has merely led to you appearing in my office more frequently because of worse incidents.
I think ten points each from Gryffindor for having brought the animal into the school in the first place and for being unable to control it. Mr Lupin, report to Madam Pince in the library tonight at seven; Mr Potter, Mr Filch will be waiting for you in the entrance hall at the same time.
Please get your dog to desist from looking at me like that.
Mr Lupin, I don’t care if it has never listened to you before, you will attempt to control…
Get off my lap.
I don’t care what he wants, Mr Potter. I want him out of my office.
Don’t whine at me like that.
I was talking to the dog, not you, Mr Potter.
I am not going to encourage the creature, Mr Lupin.
Off! Stop looking at me like that.
I don’t care if he does like me, Mr Potter. I have always been more of a cat person.
Fine. If that gets it off me. There, happy now?
…
That pile contained Second Year Transfiguration essays, Mr Potter.
I understand that it was an accident, Mr Lupin, but the fact remains that if the dog had not been here its tail would not have knocked over the ink and I would not have to clean it up.
No… sit! Sit!
The dog must go.
No buts. Let this be a lesson to you not to pick up strays.
Fine, you have until the end of the week to find a suitable arrangement for it. But if anything else happens then I will be forced to take matters into my own hands. Do we have an agreement?
Good.
Mr Black and Mr Pettigrew are conspicuously missing. While the eternal optimist in me hopes that their absence is because they saw the error of their ways and have decided to become model students and better human beings, the realist understands that this is more likely to be because they are have yet to be caught and further devastation follows in their wake. Please tell me that I am wrong.
Stuck how?
On second thoughts, I don’t want to know. As long as they are somewhere other than here I am sure I will manage. If you see them and they happen to be engaging in activities I would not appreciate, please tell them that today I am not in the mood for another of their visits.
Mr Potter, why is your pocket squeaking?
Yes, it is… It is also wriggling.
I am glad you are being so forward thinking with your homework.
Remember, 7 o’clock tonight, sharp, both of you. If Madam Pince or Mr Filch reports that you have been absent or even a half a minute late, then I shall be forced to take more extreme measures.
Now, please remove yourselves and your menagerie from my sight.
One way or another it will be leaving whether it wants to or not, Mr Lupin.
Mr Potter, perhaps you should help him instead of grinning inanely in the doorway.
Good, it seems that you can get it to behave, try to keep it up.
Please shut the door behind you, Mr Potter.
Goodbye.”