Mom Passed
Two weeks have passed jan.16 2020 at 9:10 pm arizona time is the day my mother died. It is strange for years I wanted freedom from her and now that she is gone I find my self floundering and wondering what to do. Its strange years of praying for release from her and I have it but am oddly berfit knowing she is no longer here. I feel sorry for her that she was unable to let me be free and had to hold me back for her to feel needed. Her Mental illness controlled her and she controlled me. I just do not now know what to do. It feels odd I did not want my freedom be at the expense of her life I wanted her to get help get better maybe see what she did, the damage and fallout caused by her actions. I never will.
I wanted what I have with my daughter the periodic calls 1 a week maybe. A distance if you may so I could figure out how to live with out her but she would not let go. SHe burned me out for dealing with her so much, so even as she started to decline I did not want to interact with her. I wish she had been able to get the help she needed and did not see it as shameful. Being mentally ill is nothing to be ashamed of for not only does it effect you but those around you.
I sadly have no idea who I am with out her I never had that chance since my return from Alaska to grow and learn who I was and now I am floundering in a sea of hopelessness. What do I do? WHo am I? WHat is my personality? With out the constant that my mother was? That umbilical cord was never truely cut because she layered it so much in my feelings of uselessness that now I just I do not know what to do or rather how to be ....Me.
In time I think I will write it all out or put these together as a lost life story of what happens to you when you are caged in by someone with mental illness as I was. In the hopes people may learn and accept that it is not so horriable but I have hope for these up coming genereations as they do not see it as a stigma as my mother did but just another real disability.