December 7 2019
So i am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to my mother. I have given up all hope she will ever come to her senses the Narcissistic Schizoaffective disorder Bi Polar type has to strong of a hold on her that will not release her it has struck me as so sad to see so much potential gone to waste for fear of being labeled mentally ill.
My mother was a highly intelligent woman always scored As in school had a High IQ but she never settled down to one job for more then a few years in each field if things did not go her way she abandoned it and moved on like a drifting boat landing on a island but that island was never good enough for her, just like me. I felt like this for years and years never knowing what was wrong with me that she could treat me as other parents did to their own children Love. I felt discarded most of the time as a second thought to her that I counted for nothing but to feed her needs and not my own. I learned early not to speak anything to her that she would not want to her because she would unleash a triad of screaming at me. Its why even now when some one speaks crossly at me or has THAT tone of voice I instantly say I am sorry, Thinking is that okay I am sorry I did not mean it place tell me its okay I spiral into anxiety if they do not answer or respond, it has been my biggest issue that even today at 50 I am working on.
I sadly no longer truly care for my mother I just rage now when I see her when she tries to pull the same ploys as she always has. Now I do not fall for it her fake crying just sends me off the rails and I try to hold it in but sometimes I can not. I let her know the damage she has done to myself and my children but she brings it back to herself. Over the coarse of the weekend while we were dealing with all the phone calls and trying to find a place for her, clean her house and so forth we went 2 days with out really eating. I after getting a ranting call from mom about needing money that I traveled up there and listened to her rantings when I asked her to please just calm down that everything would be fine and she kept repeating no you don't understand you just dont know dee what they are doing. I tried to tell her you have to calm down the stress from all of this is deeply effecting us to the point we went 2 days with out eating, we honestly had no appetite and as always her responce came back to her that she had gaine weight. ANy sane parent myself included would have asked if you were okay and to please eat something but this was never her. Never in all my long years did she ever care about my well being.
My mother was a highly intelligent woman always scored As in school had a High IQ but she never settled down to one job for more then a few years in each field if things did not go her way she abandoned it and moved on like a drifting boat landing on a island but that island was never good enough for her, just like me. I felt like this for years and years never knowing what was wrong with me that she could treat me as other parents did to their own children Love. I felt discarded most of the time as a second thought to her that I counted for nothing but to feed her needs and not my own. I learned early not to speak anything to her that she would not want to her because she would unleash a triad of screaming at me. Its why even now when some one speaks crossly at me or has THAT tone of voice I instantly say I am sorry, Thinking is that okay I am sorry I did not mean it place tell me its okay I spiral into anxiety if they do not answer or respond, it has been my biggest issue that even today at 50 I am working on.
I sadly no longer truly care for my mother I just rage now when I see her when she tries to pull the same ploys as she always has. Now I do not fall for it her fake crying just sends me off the rails and I try to hold it in but sometimes I can not. I let her know the damage she has done to myself and my children but she brings it back to herself. Over the coarse of the weekend while we were dealing with all the phone calls and trying to find a place for her, clean her house and so forth we went 2 days with out really eating. I after getting a ranting call from mom about needing money that I traveled up there and listened to her rantings when I asked her to please just calm down that everything would be fine and she kept repeating no you don't understand you just dont know dee what they are doing. I tried to tell her you have to calm down the stress from all of this is deeply effecting us to the point we went 2 days with out eating, we honestly had no appetite and as always her responce came back to her that she had gaine weight. ANy sane parent myself included would have asked if you were okay and to please eat something but this was never her. Never in all my long years did she ever care about my well being.