Freaks & Geeks
Today was strange. Last night ㅈ and I had a great time at 홍대 and then this morning I was going to join four of my Japanese classmates for a mini-tour around Seoul (tomorrow is the last day of class and then some of them are returning to Japan the very next day.) Originally, ㅈ was going to go home a study but she ended up joining us. We met in 명동, an area I don't know very well so there was a mix up about meeting. Everything was done in Korean and on the phone and that is a combination that puts my language skills at their nadir. In frustration and shame about my inability, I just gave the phone to ㅈ. We ate at a Chinese place and then headed to 남대문 and then on the way back we went through some of the department stores. The whole time I was getting the vibe that my classmates did not really want me along. Except for 유타 (the only other male) nobody really spoke to me (and they spoke almost entirely in Japanese.) At some point we were getting in to cabs to go to 인사동 and since there were 6 of us we were trying to figure out how we were going to arrange the cabs with 6 people. At some point, the conversation changed to "why don't to and ㅈ go separately." ㅈ picked up on the subtext that we were no longer wanted before I did (it is her language, although she often catches these social details before I do, even in English) and suggested we (me and her) were just going to go to a coffee shop.
The whole time to group of us were together I was fighting off the idea I wasn't wanted and so the evidence that this was the case sent me suddenly into a pit of insecurity. I spent most of my high school and university years convinced that everybody was annoyed by my presence. At some point I realized the lunacy of this and learned to function socially. However, naked rejection, such as I experienced today, brings out the ghost of that inept high school version of me and puts all my social relationships in doubt. Usually I can ignore these feelings when they arise, but now, with irrefutable evidence, the social me was lost. ㅈ and I went to the coffee shop and though I wanted to stay with her, I could not think of anything for us to do together; I was also having trouble understanding what I was feeling. She was still here and seemed to want to be with me, but I was feeling a need to apologize for everything (always a bad sign) and arfaid of suddenly becoming very needy and demanding of reassurance about her feelings for me (always a counter-productive move) So, we went to the subway and left for our perspective homes in opposite directions. I wanted to stay with her but I was not sorry to have a chance to be alone. And I did not look back, something I always do. It was just so hard to think, I felt blank, shut down, on autopilot, minimally functional. I staggered home and I have been feeling emotionally exposed ever since. There are many ways that this can be played and understood, but I really don't care. I just want to ability to accurately assess the world and my place in it back. Tomorrow is the last class and then afterward we are all going out. I will need to get my social skills back by then. But the upside is that if I totally fuck things up, I will probably never see these people again.
The whole time to group of us were together I was fighting off the idea I wasn't wanted and so the evidence that this was the case sent me suddenly into a pit of insecurity. I spent most of my high school and university years convinced that everybody was annoyed by my presence. At some point I realized the lunacy of this and learned to function socially. However, naked rejection, such as I experienced today, brings out the ghost of that inept high school version of me and puts all my social relationships in doubt. Usually I can ignore these feelings when they arise, but now, with irrefutable evidence, the social me was lost. ㅈ and I went to the coffee shop and though I wanted to stay with her, I could not think of anything for us to do together; I was also having trouble understanding what I was feeling. She was still here and seemed to want to be with me, but I was feeling a need to apologize for everything (always a bad sign) and arfaid of suddenly becoming very needy and demanding of reassurance about her feelings for me (always a counter-productive move) So, we went to the subway and left for our perspective homes in opposite directions. I wanted to stay with her but I was not sorry to have a chance to be alone. And I did not look back, something I always do. It was just so hard to think, I felt blank, shut down, on autopilot, minimally functional. I staggered home and I have been feeling emotionally exposed ever since. There are many ways that this can be played and understood, but I really don't care. I just want to ability to accurately assess the world and my place in it back. Tomorrow is the last class and then afterward we are all going out. I will need to get my social skills back by then. But the upside is that if I totally fuck things up, I will probably never see these people again.