spiraling downward
Okay so this is my life in a nutshell, which is appropriate because I think I am fucking nuts. On Friday afternoon I got a call from NY VA Hospital social worker. He tells me he's calling about my friend A (80-yr old man from Valentine's entry). I ask how he is doing (he's been there 2 wks already)and he tells me A is not well. He calls to say they are going to put him in a nursing home. I know there's no way A will agree to this. I know this is the best thing for him considering his condition. Our agency cannot provide what he needs. The social worker did not discuss it with A though, at least not at that point. Intellectually I know this is the right thing, but can't help imagining poor A being carted off against his will, being unaware and in fact probably expecting to return to the safety of his cluttered unsanitary apartment. I feel responsible for A. During out team meeting (co-workers and supervisor) I inform everyone about A. I don't know what happened but I started choking up, getting teary eyed and I just couldn't finish. This is not me. I am not really a sentimental person. I laugh at movies most people cry at. Here I have become some blubbering fool. Temporary loss of sanity?
I go out Fri night after work with co-workers and some friend. I drink Sangria for the first time, and surprisingly (I rarely get to drink) I am not drunk.. not even buzzed. We went through 4 of 5 pitchers of the stuff. I had an awesome time! Unfortunately I made the mistake of eating some food afterward and on the way home puked my guts up. It was not pretty.
I am still going crazy. I still have insomnia, it's been 2 weeks so far (I think). I can't stop thinking and it's driving me mad!!
I want to shut everything off. I try. I take M out this weekend to eat, buy Disney movies and play. A friend of mine forces me out of the house Sunday night. We wind up going to the movies. Now, I am a female and would not go to see How To Lose a Guy in 10 days. Why as a male would he want to see this movie? So I feel kinda guilty cause he went outta his way on v-day to send me flowers. He thought I would feel bad with the whole B thing going on. We go to see that movie, the one he wants. That's cool though, no biggie. It was great watching Kate Hudson torture this poor guy. The only bad part was the typical lovey dovey shit at the end. I am so evil. Anyway I don't know if I am incapable of reading people anymore, but at one point I felt very awkward with my friend. He says he is cold in the theatre so I tell him to put his coat on. He doesn't and a lil later asks if I can put my arm over his to keep him warm. I didn't think much of it until once I oblige I feel him kinda rubbing my elbow. Right then and there I started praying the movie would end. I had these scenerios running through my head where I would come up with some excuse to make a mad dash in case he tried anything funny. Maybe I read into something innocent and I am just nuts. Fortunately nothing happened and I was preparing for escape in vain. Still, I don't think I will be going to the movies with him in a long time (at least to play it safe). I feel bad thinking all this because it's probably nothing. I see this guy as an older brother and nothing more. I could never see him as anything more than that. I hope I never have to have a conversation explaining this to him.
Anyway, I have a house full of shit to clean. I don't have the motivation or energy, but I better get it soon cause today is Sunday. I want this place straightened out tonight.
I think about mental illness and heredity and pray to God I am not another victim. With each passing day though I question it more and more because I wonder if I am not in a perpetual state of anxiety ... I don't know what it is. I think the stress of work, home and everything is wearing me down. I need to snap out of it, and QUICK!! The sickest part is that when I first separated from husband I wasn't this nuts. Why is that and everything else beginning to haunt me now????? All my freaking Tx plans and assessments are due.. ugh.. (work)
Well this entry is record for length. ENOUGH!!!!
I go out Fri night after work with co-workers and some friend. I drink Sangria for the first time, and surprisingly (I rarely get to drink) I am not drunk.. not even buzzed. We went through 4 of 5 pitchers of the stuff. I had an awesome time! Unfortunately I made the mistake of eating some food afterward and on the way home puked my guts up. It was not pretty.
I am still going crazy. I still have insomnia, it's been 2 weeks so far (I think). I can't stop thinking and it's driving me mad!!
I want to shut everything off. I try. I take M out this weekend to eat, buy Disney movies and play. A friend of mine forces me out of the house Sunday night. We wind up going to the movies. Now, I am a female and would not go to see How To Lose a Guy in 10 days. Why as a male would he want to see this movie? So I feel kinda guilty cause he went outta his way on v-day to send me flowers. He thought I would feel bad with the whole B thing going on. We go to see that movie, the one he wants. That's cool though, no biggie. It was great watching Kate Hudson torture this poor guy. The only bad part was the typical lovey dovey shit at the end. I am so evil. Anyway I don't know if I am incapable of reading people anymore, but at one point I felt very awkward with my friend. He says he is cold in the theatre so I tell him to put his coat on. He doesn't and a lil later asks if I can put my arm over his to keep him warm. I didn't think much of it until once I oblige I feel him kinda rubbing my elbow. Right then and there I started praying the movie would end. I had these scenerios running through my head where I would come up with some excuse to make a mad dash in case he tried anything funny. Maybe I read into something innocent and I am just nuts. Fortunately nothing happened and I was preparing for escape in vain. Still, I don't think I will be going to the movies with him in a long time (at least to play it safe). I feel bad thinking all this because it's probably nothing. I see this guy as an older brother and nothing more. I could never see him as anything more than that. I hope I never have to have a conversation explaining this to him.
Anyway, I have a house full of shit to clean. I don't have the motivation or energy, but I better get it soon cause today is Sunday. I want this place straightened out tonight.
I think about mental illness and heredity and pray to God I am not another victim. With each passing day though I question it more and more because I wonder if I am not in a perpetual state of anxiety ... I don't know what it is. I think the stress of work, home and everything is wearing me down. I need to snap out of it, and QUICK!! The sickest part is that when I first separated from husband I wasn't this nuts. Why is that and everything else beginning to haunt me now????? All my freaking Tx plans and assessments are due.. ugh.. (work)
Well this entry is record for length. ENOUGH!!!!