HBP chapter Nineteen
*Everyone gathers around Ron’s bedside. The Twins announce they were thinking of buying Zonko’s. Why do I have no trouble imagining the Twins mean they are going to buy Zonko’s whether Zonko wants to sell it or not?
*Seriously, I really want their money focus to go somewhere. Percy the hard-working clerk is a great distraction from the real ambition in the family.
*ETA: I guess if you count "disappear in a puff of smoke" one could say their money focus went somewhere.
*Not that Fred is so upset he can’t complain about Hogwarts security again cutting into their business. Damn. Just because somebody used their method of getting around security to try and kill someone. ETA: How did I ever think their money attitude could ever come back to haunt them?
*Harry turns cold at the thought of what he would have done if there wasn’t a bezoar in the room with Slughorn-what with the Potions expert naturally disabled because Harry was there.
*ETA: Ron would have died, I guess. Then Harry would use his loss to get even more self-righteous about killing Voldemort and the Weasleys would love Harry even more for avenging Ron. Only he and Hermione wouldn't have to deal with Ron splinching himself, complaining, leaving the quest or being jealous. That probably covers it.
*Snape is much more difficult about stuff like this. No heroics for Harry in front of him!
*Hermione’s white-faced because that’s true love for you. Bicker-get upset when the person almost dies-bicker-get upset when someone almost dies.
*ETA: Ron will probably keep a lot of poison in the medicine cabinet when they're married for emergencies. Emergencies like times he drinks too much at Ministry functions and makes passes at other girls, for instance.
*Ginny, meanwhile, promotes herself as Harry’s ideal girl by obsessively discussing how Ron might have been poisoned, just like Harry. The kind of thing you’d expect from Hermione in earlier books, before shipping dominated the personality.
*Mind you, this obsessive discussion won’t lead to any sort of investigation on anyone’s part but Harry’s. Yeah, I know one of their own’s been hit this time, but after all, it is only Ron.
*ETA: I know it's obvious an already been said but it really is amazing the way everybody knows not to investigate because that's not where the story's going. I mean, in CoS we could maybe imagine all the adults were just too dumb to solve the case that 12-year-old Hermione could. Now 17-year-old Hermione knows she won't be able to solve it either, even though she's been known to solve far more difficult cases just by reading the newspaper.
*Not that one can really say it's OOC. She didn't investigate who put Harry's name in the Goblet either that I remember. And neither did anyone else.
*Arthur and Molly have come to the school too. If only Hermione had been poisoned they wouldn’t have to answer to her parents at all. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Muggleborn. According to our records your daughter was beheaded in June of her second year. I’m afraid we can no longer keep her on our rolls. A team of Aurors will arrive at your house on Thursday morning for memory wipes. Please have tea waiting or else I will be forced to beat you about the head with the pot. Sincerely, Albus Dumbledore, Epitome of Goodness."
*ETA: Luckily, it being Arthur and Molly--good parents--it's not like they'll demand Dumbledore to explain what he's doing about this.
*ETA: Also lucky that everybody clings to the "well, it can't be Draco, we know that" even though all these actions would seem to prove Harry's original idea.
*ROTFL! It’s so wonderful they all start talking about how maybe the poison was meant for Harry. Even accepting that people do have motives to kill Harry, how do the actions of the killer here at all suggest Harry as the victim? It's like the Prefect badge all over again: I know it came addressed to Ron, but surely Harry ought to be Prefect?
*Hermione’s crying, btw. For anyone who’s missed this sort of thing so far, this is what we mean by an anvil.
*Ron’s muttering Hermione’s name in his sleep goes beyond anvil. It’s a bag of anvils beating each other with hammers.
*Hagrid’s here. Well, that’s that taken care of. He’ll fix everything. Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t come running in assuming Harry had been hurt and then being relieved it was Ron! ETA: Heh. That would have been great.
*Hagrid is upset by Ron’s lying in the Infirmary. Like he’s never seen him lying in the Infirmary before. Guess he didn’t come to visit first year when Ron was the Infirmary with an injury caused by Hagrid. Might have looked suspicious. Remember kids, when an adult tells you to lie for him you must do it, even if you get hurt! Only adults who really love children a lot ask you to keep secrets for them! Mummy and Daddy don’t need to know about pet-the-baby-dragon. That’s our special game!
*Hagrid suggests someone has a grudge against the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Harry, proving he’s a true friend, does not remark that Ron would be the last person to take out if you’re trying to hurt the Gryffindor Quidditch team. He doesn’t even think it, which is genuinely surprising!
*I know Hagrid's an idiot but...you've got a necklace that Katie was supposed to be delivering to someone else without touching it, and a bottle of mead that was also intercepted on the way to Dumbledore and went to Slughorn, right? Plus you've got a war going on and an evil Dark Wizard with a grudge against Dumbledore. But you think people are bumping off the Quidditch team. I would say that's dumb even for Hagrid but it's really not.
*Fred "fairly" suggests Oliver Wood would have poisoned the Slytherin team if he could have got away with it. By "not got away with it" I assume he means he would have gotten detention. Maybe even missed a game if Snape had his way.
*Hermione says she thinks there’s a connection between the attacks, and Fred asks how she worked that out. WTF? Two similar murder attempts gone awry in the same boarding school wouldn’t be connected? Even Hogwarts usually schedules only a single murder plot per year.
*Hermione says the murderer is even more dangerous because they don’t care how many people they finish off before they get their victim. One of the few good uses of misdirection in this book, I think, in that Hermione is exactly wrong, but thinking logically. The murderer is more dangerous because he doesn’t really want to kill anybody, as DD says later. You’re safer with a cold-blooded assassin than a jumpy kid with a gun closing his eyes and firing.
*Molly lovingly thanks Harry for saving Ginny, Arthur and now Ron. Later she’ll thank Harry for somehow always being involved in the reason these people needed saving. A life without danger is a life half-lived! It really was a lucky day when Ron decided to sit in Harry’s compartment that day! (Which if one recalls, he did because he heard that was famous Harry Potter in there!)
*Madam Pomfrey comes in and says there are only six visitors allowed. Hagrid amazingly decides to leave with Harry and Hermione and not hang around the family demanding sympathy for his spider.
*Hagrid reminds everyone that if Dumbledore knew who was behind the necklace and the wine they’d have been caught. It’s not like he’d just watch with interest to see how things played out, right? ETA: It's not like that's practically Dumbledore's hobby.
*Hagrid reminds us of the real worry here-that the school will close. Just like the Chamber of Secrets. Oh, so not much problem them. The attacks will be covered up and there’s no Lucius Malfoy to pressure anyone. Hurray!
*ETA: Chuckling when I remember that for all the noise about Wizard parents unfairly withdrawing their kids next year they'll all meekly send their kids to school even when they're obviously being taught by Death Eaters. (Then again, maybe the kids just remembered how awesome Fake!Moody was and considers it an improvement.)
*Hagrid explains that all parents expect a certain number of accidents at Hogwarts because of all the underage Wizards cooped up together. Yeah, when I think of Hogwarts accidents in canon I think of the kids having accidents on each other. I certainly don’t think of Hagrid.
*Hagrid says something stupid and tries to cover with a guilt trip: Do you want him to lose his job after breaking his heart with his not taking CoMC? Harry tells Hagrid to STFU. Okay, he doesn’t use those words, but it’s just as satisfying.
*ETA: I have to really enjoy that moment since Hagrid refused to die at the hands of his spiders in DH.
*Snape said Dumbledore took too much for granted and maybe Snape didn’t want to do it anymore. Dumbledore said Snape’s agreed to do it and that’s all there is to it. It seems even Hagrid recognizes a more interesting storyline going on in Slytherin when he sees it!
*And what does Dumbledore have Snape investigating in Slytherin? I mean, are they pretending they don’t know it’s Draco?
*ETA: Seriously, what does he have him investigating? They both know it's Draco. What did Dumbledore mean about continuing investigations "in his own house?" Isn't he just following Draco around (and somehow being unable to head off any of these murder attempts?). It's like they're talking in eumphamisms even though they think they're alone.
*Filch makes a comment about the kids being out of bed, whether Hagrid is with them or not. Hagrid shuts Filch up with a bigoted remark, calling him a sneakin’ Squib. Sorry, did I say bigoted? Of course it’s not bigoted. It’s just being or characteristic of one who believes that the group of people he belongs to based on common circumstances of birth accounts for differences in human character and that his particular group is superior to others.
*It seems nobody knows about Ron yet. It’s Ron, so he hasn’t been missed the entire day.
*ETA: Most people probably saw Harry and just assumed they saw Ron as well, he was just obscured by Harry's shiny.
*Harry realizes Dumbledore must not really be telling the truth about trusting Snape because he lost his temper with him. Um, Harry? Those are two different things. Dumbledore recently lost his temper with you, remember? Kind of like you lose your temper regularly? Doesn’t mean he thinks you’re working for Voldemort.
*ETA: Actually, knowing Harry he probably does think somebody's potentially working for Voldemort every time he gets angry at them.
*Harry thinks maybe Dumbledore did not want Harry to take things into his own hands and do something foolish, so he decides to take things into his own hands and do something foolish. Go Harry go!
*ETA: Little does Harry know that Dumlbedore's greatest desire in life is to see Harry take as many things into his own hands and do something foolish as often as possible.
*Perhaps Dumbledore doesn’t think it’s right to confide suspicions of his staff to 16-year-olds. Harry naturally forgets he has no evidence to think Dumbledore has any actual suspicions about Snape to hide from the 16-year-olds. The very lack of evidence will now become evidence!
*McLaggen jumps up from a chair where he’s been waiting…apparently for his cue after Harry finishes his ruminations about Snape.
*ETA: Did McLaggen escape some humiliating punishment scene in DH? I'm impressed if he did.
*Harry sticks his wand back into the belt of his jeans. So first, he’s wearing jeans--oops. Second, how does one put a wand in one’s belt? Do they walk around with a stick down their pants all the time? Somebody really needs to create a holster or something. Isn’t there some reference to Malfoy’s being his the sleeve of his robe or something? Or is that fanon?
*Seriously, how do those things not get broken every other day?
*It turns out news of Ron’s injury is known to at least one person, but he didn’t care enough to spread it. Ron, Katie and Malfoy should start a club for the almost-killed but not interesting enough for gossip.
*Ron can be president of the club, since his poisoning causes even less interest than Katie Bell’s. Been there, done that. Not that they could be connected.
*Everyone’s much more interested in seeing Zach Smith punished for doing the commentary Lee used to do, only biased against Gryffindor instead of for Gryffindor. Wait; wasn’t the kid already squished under the commentary box for that? Guess that didn’t count.
*ETA: Perhaps they really want pre-emptive punishment for that cowardly pushing of first years and running next year. It's obvious he'd do something like that after that commentary!
*Harry, however, had never been less interested in Quidditch; he was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy. Just wanted to type that again.
*Harry has started making detours to wherever Draco is, but has not yet found him doing anything out of the ordinary. I hope they play this out in the movie, with Malfoy looking up from the water fountain or another class he has to see Harry skulking, and getting confused. Good comic potential.
*ETA: Or better yet, maybe five scenes of Harry and Ginny trying to generate sexual tension. That would be awesome.
*Naturally Harry finds Lavender even more annoying than McLaggen, since Lavender is the one who actually deserves a little respect here. Imagine her thinking somebody should have told her Ron was in the Infirmary! WTF does she think she is? Sure she's been Ron's nominal girlfriend for like a year now, but Harry's managed to avoid speaking to her and so made it clear she's not part of the circle.
*Harry tries to get all self-righteous about Lavender calling getting poisoned interesting, which falls really really flat. You can’t make remarks like that and be a Gryffindor. Yes Harry, he’s more interesting now. We all know it. Moving on.
*Btw, that was a subtle indication that Lavender’s interest in Ron is shallow and bad-it is she who likes him more when he’s interesting, where as Hermione likes him for his true self. This is further indicated by the way Lavender says Ron’s good at stuff while Hermione constantly reminds him he’s inadequate.
*Harry runs into Malfoy and his two sulky, resentful girls. Malfoy gets an actual funny line, which one of the girls can’t help but giggle at. This for some reason makes Harry stare at the girl-doesn’t she know nothing Malfoy says to Harry should be funny?-and they leave.
*Harry would really rather follow Malfoy than play Quidditch. Don’t go to the Pitch on my account, Harry. I’d rather follow Malfoy too!
*Apparently the Gryffindor changing rooms are co-ed? I guess a different architect did the changing rooms than did the stairs to the Girl’s dormitory.
*Luna begins her commentary by fawning all over Ginny. Anybody who wants to fly into her commentary stand, or maybe just stick gum in her hair, I’ll look the other way.
*Luna, given a microphone, unsurprisingly succumbs to a frenzy of attention-getting behavior, punctuated by passive-aggressive digs at Zach Smith, since Ginny doesn’t like him.
* McLaggen smacks an iron ball into Harry’s head, which is not fatal at all, funny when imitated by Ginny, serious when imitated by Dean, and releases us from having to read about another whole Quidditch match. Go McLaggen!
*Harry wakes up later in the Infirmary and finds out about the rest of the game from Ron, which went the way we would all imagine: They lost, but Harry was unconscious so it wasn’t his fault.
*Ginny scored lots of goals and was Unconscious!Harry’s ideal girl, even when he was too unconscious to know it. Luna tried desperately to wrench attention to herself even while Harry was carted off. Zach Smith went up to Luna after the match and told her she only worked so hard at being weird because she was actually dull as dishwater and made her cry. Go Zach!
*ETA: Luna's self-created persona will become something like a super power next year, though, so it's lucky she has it.
*Ron says Harry’s getting a bit obsessed with Malfoy. Just wanted to type that one too.
*Harry fleetingly wishes he had a full force of Aurors at his command. The Chosen’s Chosen-coming this fall on ABC.
*ETA: Oh, that line is truly gross now that we know Harry's future. But it certainly is some disturbing foreshadowing: Gee, I wish I had a team of Aurors at my command so I could use them to go after people I know are guilty.
*He does consider setting something up with the DA, which he’s abandoned but should still be ready to do his bidding should he ask. Let's imagine Ernie MacMillan trying to tail someone. Even better imagine NA!Ernie trying to tail someone.
*Harry suddenly realizes the answer to all his problems-why, he’s the only student at Hogwarts who has his own slave in residence! How could he have forgotten? He must still be back in CoS!mode when that sort of thing seemed like something a Slytherin would be.
*Funny that Harry is thinking about a visit from Dobby and that leads him to remember he’s got…Kreacher. Why not call Dobby, who’s as close to a slave as one can get without the ownership papers? Just kidding--I know it's just more satisfying to use your slave. That way he's not asking anybody for a favor.
*Apparently geriatric Kreacher said something awful about Harry and Dobby attacked him. Can house elves get Sorted? Because someone who knocks out all the teeth of grumpy senior citizens really ought to be earning points for his House!
*ETA: Have I mentioned that when the later chapters of DH got really dull for me I reminded myself that at least Dobby was still dead in it?
*Harry hexes Peeves with one of the Prince’s spells. Takes to it like a duck to water, that Harry!
*Dobby starts crying, because it’s upsetting to have punched out an old man’s teeth. How is it Kreacher manages to have more dignity than Dobby when he’s a bigoted slave with no teeth wearing nothing but a string?
*ETA: Enjoy that dignity for now, Kreacher. Next year you'll be bowing and scraping along with Dobby.
*I’d just like to point out that nowhere in this scene does Harry flinch at ordering around a slave. Even when Dobby offers to freely help him instead he decides to use them both.
*ETA: And why should he? Harry is a dream come true for Kreacher. All this stuff about caring about the Blacks or whatever is just Kreacher playing hard to get.
*Harry asks the elves to tail Draco 24/7. Damn, where’s Colin when you need him? They could take pictures for Harry to…look at later. Study for investigative purposes in bed at night.
*Harry foresees a great danger in Kreacher betraying him and acts to prevent it. Oh, so he’s going to put a hex on Kreacher that will make him break out in acne if he squeals to Malfoy without telling him he’s doing that?
*Just stick to Malfoy like a couple of plasters, Harry says. Or like a skin tight pair of trousers that mould themselves to his sculpted buttocks, revealing a tantalizing hardness when he…err, just follow him around. For investigative purposes. Off you go then. Harry’s going to bed now.
Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
CHOSEN ONE KILLED WHEN LARGE TEENAGED BOY WHACKS IRON BALL INTO SKULL
just doesn’t have the right punch for an ending.
IITS
Oh my god, our friend’s been poisoned! I’m sure now people will be interested in finding out more about this murder plot. First we ought to find out where the wine came from and when it was bought and ask about…oooh, Quidditch!
Idiot Picture
You have to wonder about that added security when two blatant murder attempts are indistinguishable from normal school life at Hogwarts.
Idiot World
What’s that Hagrid? What’s that boy? You overheard an important conversation between the head of the war effort and his number one spy? And you blabbed it to a bunch of teenagers?
Informed Attributes
Malfoy hasn’t had much chance to call people Mudbloods this year, so this is a good time to remind ourselves he’s the representative of discrimination. Don’t want anyone to get confused by our heroic slaveowner and his friend calling that guy a sneakin’ Squib.
POV Shots
It’s not a Quidditch injury if we’re not in Harry’s pov!
The Stealth Monster Rule
Heeeeere’s McLaggen!
Final score: 7
H/D Cliche Index: The one where Harry gets obsessed with Draco. The one where Harry loses interest in Quidditch because he's obsessed with Draco. The one where Harry isn't as interested in Quidditch if Draco isn't playing. The one where Ron is concerned Harry is obsessed with Draco. The one where Harry follows Draco around. The one where Harry wants other people to follow Draco. The one where Harry finds himself taking detours hoping to see Draco...