Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 15
[The next morning, Harry buries Mad-Eye Moody’s magical eye]
Harry: Better there than in the clutches of that evil Umbridge, after all.
[Later in the day, they travel to the outskirts of a town, but find the Dementor presence strong there]
Harry: That’s alright, I’ll just make a Patronus. Let’s see…I think I’ll imagine Dumbledore doing it with that hot blond wizard from my dream! Expecto patronum! [Unfortunately, the Patronus won’t appear] AAAAGH! WHAT SHOULD I DO?! [reflects] Should I throw in a young Tom Rid as well?
Hermione: Harry, you’ve never failed to summon a Patronus before. Something’s wrong.
Ron: Harry, Hermione, when are we going to eat again?
Hermione: Oh, shut up you greedy, gluttonous little slob!
Ron: I’m just saying….
Harry: Well, if you think you can take on those Dementors yourself, go right ahead!
Ron: What?! But I’m injured and I’ve been hungry since this camping trip began!
Hermione: I’ll bet that Horcrux has something to do with this! Harry, take it off!
[Harry does thus]
Harry: Wow, I feel better already!
Hermione: What should we do with this locket? We can’t very well allow it to pollute our nobility any further.
Harry: Polluting our nobility is better than losing it. I stand by my decision to wear it.
Hermione: Well…can we at least take turns wearing it?
Harry: That’s a great idea!
Ron: I’m hungry!
Hermione: Oh, yeah. We still need food, don’t we?
Harry: Well, we can’t stay here.
[So they go to the outskirts of a farm property. Hermione brings bread and eggs]
Ron: Wow, Hermione! How ever did you procure those?
Hermione: I didn’t tell the farmer I was taking them.
Ron: Oh, Hermione, you truly are our nurturing mother!
[They move several times in the next few weeks, but can’t get any leads]
Harry: And Ron is being so unreasonable! He keeps getting mad at me! Just because we’ve been camping for weeks getting no new information and subsisting on wild mushrooms! How dare he express displeasure at me! I am the Chosen One, therefore everything I do will work out in the end!
Hermione: Well…do you have any leads?
Harry: We could try Hogwarts.
Hermione: Don’t you think Dumbledore would have found it if it was hidden there?
Harry: Alright, then…how about the orphanage?
[But the orphanage is all office buildings now]
Harry: Anyway, he’d be about as likely to put a piece of his soul here as I would be to put one at the Dursleys’ home.
[As time goes on, Harry notices that Ron and Hermione spend a lot of time talking to each other]
Harry: How dare you?! Are you making fun of me behind my back!?
Hermione: Not at all! What on earth would give you that idea?!
Harry: I dunno. Maybe because we’ve been spending weeks and weeks in a tent subsisting on wild berries with nothing to polish our wands except our own clothes?
Ron: It’s funny you should say that….
Hermione: Ron, don’t risk the wrath of the Chosen One. Chosen Ones are notoriously dangerous when angry.
[But one night, as they’re camped out by a river in Wales…]
Hermione: I’m entirely convinced that you make me do all the cooking just because I’m a girl.
Ron: But I don’t know how to cook…. [Cries]
Harry: I do know how to cook, but I’m the Chosen One and thus deserve to be waited on.
Hermione: Oh you two are impossible!
[But just then…]
Harry: I hear voices!
Ron: Don’t tell me your scar’s acting up again.
Harry: No! Voices outside the tent!
[Sure enough, there are people talking and eating outside]
Man’s voice: So, Griphook, Gornuk, how are things?
Griphook: As good as they can be, considering the entire world is in a shambles.
Gornuk: Speaking of which, how come nobody’s done anything about the problem yet, Ted?
Harry: Holy crap! It’s Ted Tonks!
Ted Tonks: Well, we’re just waiting for Harry Potter, the Chosen One, to come save the day.
Griphook: How did I guess?
Ted Tonks: And might I present you two goblins with this lovely gentleman, Dean Thomas?
Dean: How do you do?
Harry: Oh fuck! Dean is here! He’s that slut who tried to steal my Ginny away last book!
Ted Tonks: Dean, you’re a muggleborn as well, right?
Dean: Well, I don’t really know.
Ted Tonks: That’s odd-didn’t you say your parents were muggles?
Dean: I did, but in retrospect I don’t think I ever knew my father. Very strange. But you know how hard life as an oppressed minority can get.
Ted Tonks: Would this be because you’re muggleborn or because you’re black?
Dean: Well seeing as You-Know-Who appears to have been the only one to take racism against muggleborns to dangerous levels….
Ted Tonks: And how about you, Dirk? How are you doing?
Dirk: I was one of the fortunate muggleborns who escaped from the Death Eaters who arrested me. One of them was Confunded, see, at exactly the right moment.
Dean: Yay for getting out of bad situations through no agency of our own!
Griphook: Did you forget we were here or something?
Ted Tonks: Oh, sorry. [Pause] You’re not being discriminated against by the Death Eaters too, are you?
Griphook: What do you think? Do you honestly think a man who’s racist against other magical humans would be more merciful toward us?
Ted Tonks: Aah, but you showed them who was in charge, right?
Griphook: That depends. If you consider lying about a magical artifact “showing them who was in charge.”
Dean: Wait…you might have to explain this to those of us who weren’t there.
Griphook: Well, it’s a great story, actually. You see, there were some Hogwarts children, who tried to steal the Sword of Gryffindor from Severus Snape’s office at Hogwarts! But get this: the sword is a fake! [Laughs]
Dean: Really? Like who?
Griphook: The younger sister of Bill, for one. Jenny, I believe her name was?
Harry: Oh, no! Snape has Ginny! Doubtless he’s been attempting to extract a confession out of her through the most horrific tortures and abuses this entire time!
Ron: Harry--
Harry: I wonder if she’s managed to keep her beautiful mouth closed.
Ron: Harry!
Harry: Or maybe she’s simply cracked under the strain of it all. That would be extremely cowardly of her, but I suppose I could find it within my gracious heart to forgive….
Ron: Harry! Stop talking about my sister being tortured!
Harry: How dare you! Do you dare suggest that I don’t care about the fate of my future wife?!
Ron: [Bodyfloor]
Harry: What are you doing?
Ron: This is the only appropriate reaction to your self-centered stupidity.
Ted Tonks: Let’s stick to the main point. The Sword of Gryffindor that currently resides at Hogwarts is a fake?
Griphook: Faker than the drama in this very book!
Dean: Wow, that’s pretty damn fake.
Harry: What?! How dare they say such awful things about my suffering!
Griphook: The real thing is Goblin-made, by the way and super-special-awesome.
Ted Tonks: So…ah…where is this sword now?
Griphook: I don’t know. All I do know is that it’s not at Hogwarts or Gringotts.
Ted Tonks: So…ah…what happened to the kids who tried to steal the sword?
Griphook: They were caught, of course. After that I don’t know.
Ted Tonks: Well, let’s just hope they’re alive, that Snape hasn’t killed them like he did Dumbledore!
Dirk: Snape killed Dumbledore?!
Dean: Sorry if you missed it last book-it was mind-blowing when we found out.
Ted Tonks: You know what else is new? The Prophet is a lying fake. The only real news these days is found in the Quibbler.
Dirk: The Quibbler? But I thought that magazine was full of ridiculous conspiracy theories.
Ted Tonks: I know it looks that way on the surface, but trust me, it has the real story on Harry Potter and all that!
Dirk: I’ll take your word for it.
Harry: Ron, Hermione, this is great! We got an update on the Sword of Gryffindor!
Hermione: Hold that thought! [She digs through her bag until she pulls out Phineas Nigellus’s portrait] Phineas Nigellus! Come hither!
Phineas: Say “please.”
Hermione: Pretty please with sugar and cherries on top?
Phineas: Works for me. [Appears]
Hermione: I think I’ll blindfold you, just to be doubly safe. [Does so]
Phineas: Hey! You can’t do that!
Hermione: I just did.
Phineas: How on earth could you even blindfold a painting?!
Hermione: Who cares, all I know is it works!
Harry: Anyway, we just wanted to ask you a few questions about the Sword of Gryffindor.
Phineas: Keep talking. What kind of questions? I’ll have you know that the last I saw of that sword, Miss Jenny Weasley and her friends Navel and Luna stole it from its rightful place.
Harry: As well they might considering that sword had fallen into the ugly, slimy hands of ugly, slimy Snape!
Phineas: Well the sword does belong to the school.
Harry: But Snape?! I’d rather see that sword destroyed than in his hands!
Phineas: You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
Harry: Am I?! What did Snape do to Ginny, Navel, and Luna, anyway?!
Phineas: He sent them on a single detention in the Forbidden Forest with that gamekeeper. The one with the spider leg around his neck.
Harry: Oh, good. I was expecting far worse.
Phineas: Did you ever think Snape might not be the evil monster you make him out to be?
Harry: What are you talking about?! Snape killed Dumbledore!
Phineas: Never mind.
Hermione: Well, let’s get back to the matter at hand. Did you see anyone take the Sword of Gryffindor out of its case? Like for cleaning?
Phineas: That can’t be. Goblin-made weapons don’t need cleaning-they magically repel dirt.
Hermione: Oh. Well, then!
Phineas: I also heard that they absorb evil-destroying substances, by the way. Mind you, that’s just a rumor.
Hermione: Can you at least tell us the last time you saw the sword out of its case?
Phineas: Oh, yeah. I remember quite clearly that Dumbledore used it to stab a mysterious ring just last year!
Hermione and Harry: Aha!
Phineas: Well I’m glad you’re so happy, anyway. Farewell. [Disappears]
Harry: Of course, it all makes sense! That sword was soaked in Basilisk venom so it acquired the ability to destroy Horcruxes!
Hermione: Totally!
Harry: So it follows that if we find the sword we’ll be able to destroy the Horcruxes as well!
Hermione: Great! Now where do we find it?
Harry: Ah….
Ron: So, basically, you still don’t know where to go or what to do.
Harry: Well, it follows that now we’ve found a clue we’ll be handed the answers sooner or later, right?
Ron: But how much later is later? Do you even know what you’re doing?!
Harry: No, not in the least!
Ron: This is what I feared from the start.
Hermione: Ron, don’t you think the locket’s just playing with your head?
Ron: This has nothing to do with the locket, dammit! This is me, complaining that you, Harry, had led us to believe you had a plan when you clearly don’t!
Harry: In fairness, you knew all along that I’m an idiot who relies on other people to make things work out for me.
Ron: But to be stuck in a tent eating grass because of your idiocy first-hand…!
Harry: Hermione, why don’t you back me up?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. I have faith in Harry Potter.
Ron: You say that but you don’t mean it.
Hermione: Yes I do. What are you talking about?
Harry: Hermione are you taking his side now?!
Hermione: No, that’s not it at all!
Ron: Oh, don’t try to play the victim again! In case you haven’t noticed, my family is in trouble again, and I’m nowhere near them!
Harry: And? My family’s dead!
Ron: Exactly! You don’t know what it’s like to lose family members you’ve known for years!
Harry: Well I can’t imagine it’d be worse than losing them as a baby and being raised by mean, abusive people.
Hermione: Ron, you’re being deliberately unreasonable. Just take off the Horcrux!
Ron: Fine, I don’t want to stay here anyway! [Takes off locket and leaves]
Harry: Aaagh! Why has Ron abandoned me?! [Cries]
Hermione: Well at least you still have me.
Harry: Oh, Hermione! You’re the greatest!
Hermione: Yes, I am.
Harry: Better there than in the clutches of that evil Umbridge, after all.
[Later in the day, they travel to the outskirts of a town, but find the Dementor presence strong there]
Harry: That’s alright, I’ll just make a Patronus. Let’s see…I think I’ll imagine Dumbledore doing it with that hot blond wizard from my dream! Expecto patronum! [Unfortunately, the Patronus won’t appear] AAAAGH! WHAT SHOULD I DO?! [reflects] Should I throw in a young Tom Rid as well?
Hermione: Harry, you’ve never failed to summon a Patronus before. Something’s wrong.
Ron: Harry, Hermione, when are we going to eat again?
Hermione: Oh, shut up you greedy, gluttonous little slob!
Ron: I’m just saying….
Harry: Well, if you think you can take on those Dementors yourself, go right ahead!
Ron: What?! But I’m injured and I’ve been hungry since this camping trip began!
Hermione: I’ll bet that Horcrux has something to do with this! Harry, take it off!
[Harry does thus]
Harry: Wow, I feel better already!
Hermione: What should we do with this locket? We can’t very well allow it to pollute our nobility any further.
Harry: Polluting our nobility is better than losing it. I stand by my decision to wear it.
Hermione: Well…can we at least take turns wearing it?
Harry: That’s a great idea!
Ron: I’m hungry!
Hermione: Oh, yeah. We still need food, don’t we?
Harry: Well, we can’t stay here.
[So they go to the outskirts of a farm property. Hermione brings bread and eggs]
Ron: Wow, Hermione! How ever did you procure those?
Hermione: I didn’t tell the farmer I was taking them.
Ron: Oh, Hermione, you truly are our nurturing mother!
[They move several times in the next few weeks, but can’t get any leads]
Harry: And Ron is being so unreasonable! He keeps getting mad at me! Just because we’ve been camping for weeks getting no new information and subsisting on wild mushrooms! How dare he express displeasure at me! I am the Chosen One, therefore everything I do will work out in the end!
Hermione: Well…do you have any leads?
Harry: We could try Hogwarts.
Hermione: Don’t you think Dumbledore would have found it if it was hidden there?
Harry: Alright, then…how about the orphanage?
[But the orphanage is all office buildings now]
Harry: Anyway, he’d be about as likely to put a piece of his soul here as I would be to put one at the Dursleys’ home.
[As time goes on, Harry notices that Ron and Hermione spend a lot of time talking to each other]
Harry: How dare you?! Are you making fun of me behind my back!?
Hermione: Not at all! What on earth would give you that idea?!
Harry: I dunno. Maybe because we’ve been spending weeks and weeks in a tent subsisting on wild berries with nothing to polish our wands except our own clothes?
Ron: It’s funny you should say that….
Hermione: Ron, don’t risk the wrath of the Chosen One. Chosen Ones are notoriously dangerous when angry.
[But one night, as they’re camped out by a river in Wales…]
Hermione: I’m entirely convinced that you make me do all the cooking just because I’m a girl.
Ron: But I don’t know how to cook…. [Cries]
Harry: I do know how to cook, but I’m the Chosen One and thus deserve to be waited on.
Hermione: Oh you two are impossible!
[But just then…]
Harry: I hear voices!
Ron: Don’t tell me your scar’s acting up again.
Harry: No! Voices outside the tent!
[Sure enough, there are people talking and eating outside]
Man’s voice: So, Griphook, Gornuk, how are things?
Griphook: As good as they can be, considering the entire world is in a shambles.
Gornuk: Speaking of which, how come nobody’s done anything about the problem yet, Ted?
Harry: Holy crap! It’s Ted Tonks!
Ted Tonks: Well, we’re just waiting for Harry Potter, the Chosen One, to come save the day.
Griphook: How did I guess?
Ted Tonks: And might I present you two goblins with this lovely gentleman, Dean Thomas?
Dean: How do you do?
Harry: Oh fuck! Dean is here! He’s that slut who tried to steal my Ginny away last book!
Ted Tonks: Dean, you’re a muggleborn as well, right?
Dean: Well, I don’t really know.
Ted Tonks: That’s odd-didn’t you say your parents were muggles?
Dean: I did, but in retrospect I don’t think I ever knew my father. Very strange. But you know how hard life as an oppressed minority can get.
Ted Tonks: Would this be because you’re muggleborn or because you’re black?
Dean: Well seeing as You-Know-Who appears to have been the only one to take racism against muggleborns to dangerous levels….
Ted Tonks: And how about you, Dirk? How are you doing?
Dirk: I was one of the fortunate muggleborns who escaped from the Death Eaters who arrested me. One of them was Confunded, see, at exactly the right moment.
Dean: Yay for getting out of bad situations through no agency of our own!
Griphook: Did you forget we were here or something?
Ted Tonks: Oh, sorry. [Pause] You’re not being discriminated against by the Death Eaters too, are you?
Griphook: What do you think? Do you honestly think a man who’s racist against other magical humans would be more merciful toward us?
Ted Tonks: Aah, but you showed them who was in charge, right?
Griphook: That depends. If you consider lying about a magical artifact “showing them who was in charge.”
Dean: Wait…you might have to explain this to those of us who weren’t there.
Griphook: Well, it’s a great story, actually. You see, there were some Hogwarts children, who tried to steal the Sword of Gryffindor from Severus Snape’s office at Hogwarts! But get this: the sword is a fake! [Laughs]
Dean: Really? Like who?
Griphook: The younger sister of Bill, for one. Jenny, I believe her name was?
Harry: Oh, no! Snape has Ginny! Doubtless he’s been attempting to extract a confession out of her through the most horrific tortures and abuses this entire time!
Ron: Harry--
Harry: I wonder if she’s managed to keep her beautiful mouth closed.
Ron: Harry!
Harry: Or maybe she’s simply cracked under the strain of it all. That would be extremely cowardly of her, but I suppose I could find it within my gracious heart to forgive….
Ron: Harry! Stop talking about my sister being tortured!
Harry: How dare you! Do you dare suggest that I don’t care about the fate of my future wife?!
Ron: [Bodyfloor]
Harry: What are you doing?
Ron: This is the only appropriate reaction to your self-centered stupidity.
Ted Tonks: Let’s stick to the main point. The Sword of Gryffindor that currently resides at Hogwarts is a fake?
Griphook: Faker than the drama in this very book!
Dean: Wow, that’s pretty damn fake.
Harry: What?! How dare they say such awful things about my suffering!
Griphook: The real thing is Goblin-made, by the way and super-special-awesome.
Ted Tonks: So…ah…where is this sword now?
Griphook: I don’t know. All I do know is that it’s not at Hogwarts or Gringotts.
Ted Tonks: So…ah…what happened to the kids who tried to steal the sword?
Griphook: They were caught, of course. After that I don’t know.
Ted Tonks: Well, let’s just hope they’re alive, that Snape hasn’t killed them like he did Dumbledore!
Dirk: Snape killed Dumbledore?!
Dean: Sorry if you missed it last book-it was mind-blowing when we found out.
Ted Tonks: You know what else is new? The Prophet is a lying fake. The only real news these days is found in the Quibbler.
Dirk: The Quibbler? But I thought that magazine was full of ridiculous conspiracy theories.
Ted Tonks: I know it looks that way on the surface, but trust me, it has the real story on Harry Potter and all that!
Dirk: I’ll take your word for it.
Harry: Ron, Hermione, this is great! We got an update on the Sword of Gryffindor!
Hermione: Hold that thought! [She digs through her bag until she pulls out Phineas Nigellus’s portrait] Phineas Nigellus! Come hither!
Phineas: Say “please.”
Hermione: Pretty please with sugar and cherries on top?
Phineas: Works for me. [Appears]
Hermione: I think I’ll blindfold you, just to be doubly safe. [Does so]
Phineas: Hey! You can’t do that!
Hermione: I just did.
Phineas: How on earth could you even blindfold a painting?!
Hermione: Who cares, all I know is it works!
Harry: Anyway, we just wanted to ask you a few questions about the Sword of Gryffindor.
Phineas: Keep talking. What kind of questions? I’ll have you know that the last I saw of that sword, Miss Jenny Weasley and her friends Navel and Luna stole it from its rightful place.
Harry: As well they might considering that sword had fallen into the ugly, slimy hands of ugly, slimy Snape!
Phineas: Well the sword does belong to the school.
Harry: But Snape?! I’d rather see that sword destroyed than in his hands!
Phineas: You’re making a big deal out of nothing.
Harry: Am I?! What did Snape do to Ginny, Navel, and Luna, anyway?!
Phineas: He sent them on a single detention in the Forbidden Forest with that gamekeeper. The one with the spider leg around his neck.
Harry: Oh, good. I was expecting far worse.
Phineas: Did you ever think Snape might not be the evil monster you make him out to be?
Harry: What are you talking about?! Snape killed Dumbledore!
Phineas: Never mind.
Hermione: Well, let’s get back to the matter at hand. Did you see anyone take the Sword of Gryffindor out of its case? Like for cleaning?
Phineas: That can’t be. Goblin-made weapons don’t need cleaning-they magically repel dirt.
Hermione: Oh. Well, then!
Phineas: I also heard that they absorb evil-destroying substances, by the way. Mind you, that’s just a rumor.
Hermione: Can you at least tell us the last time you saw the sword out of its case?
Phineas: Oh, yeah. I remember quite clearly that Dumbledore used it to stab a mysterious ring just last year!
Hermione and Harry: Aha!
Phineas: Well I’m glad you’re so happy, anyway. Farewell. [Disappears]
Harry: Of course, it all makes sense! That sword was soaked in Basilisk venom so it acquired the ability to destroy Horcruxes!
Hermione: Totally!
Harry: So it follows that if we find the sword we’ll be able to destroy the Horcruxes as well!
Hermione: Great! Now where do we find it?
Harry: Ah….
Ron: So, basically, you still don’t know where to go or what to do.
Harry: Well, it follows that now we’ve found a clue we’ll be handed the answers sooner or later, right?
Ron: But how much later is later? Do you even know what you’re doing?!
Harry: No, not in the least!
Ron: This is what I feared from the start.
Hermione: Ron, don’t you think the locket’s just playing with your head?
Ron: This has nothing to do with the locket, dammit! This is me, complaining that you, Harry, had led us to believe you had a plan when you clearly don’t!
Harry: In fairness, you knew all along that I’m an idiot who relies on other people to make things work out for me.
Ron: But to be stuck in a tent eating grass because of your idiocy first-hand…!
Harry: Hermione, why don’t you back me up?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. I have faith in Harry Potter.
Ron: You say that but you don’t mean it.
Hermione: Yes I do. What are you talking about?
Harry: Hermione are you taking his side now?!
Hermione: No, that’s not it at all!
Ron: Oh, don’t try to play the victim again! In case you haven’t noticed, my family is in trouble again, and I’m nowhere near them!
Harry: And? My family’s dead!
Ron: Exactly! You don’t know what it’s like to lose family members you’ve known for years!
Harry: Well I can’t imagine it’d be worse than losing them as a baby and being raised by mean, abusive people.
Hermione: Ron, you’re being deliberately unreasonable. Just take off the Horcrux!
Ron: Fine, I don’t want to stay here anyway! [Takes off locket and leaves]
Harry: Aaagh! Why has Ron abandoned me?! [Cries]
Hermione: Well at least you still have me.
Harry: Oh, Hermione! You’re the greatest!
Hermione: Yes, I am.