Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 16
Harry: Oh, woe is me! Ron has disappeared and abandoned me! Me! The Chosen One!
Hermione: I’m ignoring you.
[They move around a few more times over the next few weeks]
Harry: And Christmas is drawing ever nearer but still we have no leads!
Hermione: Harry, I found a strange symbol in Beedle the Bard.
Harry: A strange symbol?
Hermione: Right here. [Hermione shows Harry a symbol that Harry recognizes as the same one Xenophilius Lovegood wears]
Harry: Aha! That’s the same symbol Luna’s father wears!
Hermione: Great. So…what about it, then?
Harry: Well, that mark was worn by the Dark wizard Grindlewald!
Hermione: Grindlewald, huh? Then why is it in a book of children’s stories?
Harry: I don’t have the slightest clue! [Pause] But, anyway, I say we go to Godric’s Hollow. It’s the only lead we have.
Hermione: Sure, why not? We might even find the sword of Gryffindor while we’re at it.
Harry: What? What makes you think that?
Hermione: Well…Gryffindor himself was from there. Hence why it’s Godric’s Hollow.
Harry: Aha! Dumbledore and I share our birthplace with the great founder of Gryffindor! No wonder I’m the Chosen One!
Hermione: If I hear the words “Chosen One” one more time…!
Harry: You’ll what?
Hermione: [Thinks for a moment] Never mind. I was bluffing.
Harry: That’s not all! I remember Auntie Muriel saying Bathilda Bagshot lives in Godric’s Hollow!
Hermione: Wow, this place is looking more significant by the second! Let’s go!
Harry: Yes!
Hermione: But first we need to make sure we can disapparate under the Invisibility Cloak and procure disguises.
Harry: You’re no fun….
[But soon enough their affairs are in order, and they Polyjuice themselves and go to Godric’s Hollow]
Hermione: I just realized-it’s Christmas Eve, isn’t it!
Harry: That it is! And look at all this snow!
Hermione: Yes, apparently global warming hasn’t touched wizarding villages.
[In the center of town is a war memorial, which upon closer inspection contains a statue of Harry’s family]
Harry: Wow! They built an entire statue in tribute to my family and me!
Hermione: Harry, don’t do anything to attract attention!
Harry: I’m sorry, but…an entire statue dedicated to me and my family!
Hermione: Stay focused. Let’s start by searching by your parents’ graves.
[In time, they do find some important-looking graves]
Hermione: Harry, Harry! It’s the grave of Kendra and Ariana Dumbledore!
Harry: So it is! It looks as though Rita Skeeter got at least one thing right! Oh, why did my angel Dumbledore never speak of this?! Did he not love me after all?!
Hermione: Harry, stay focused!
[After a time, they come upon a very old, weathered tombstone]
Hermione: Could this be it? [Peels away some moss] Harry, Harry! Look at the symbol it’s got on it!
Harry: Symbol?
Hermione: It’s the symbol from the book!
Harry: Oh my fuck!
Hermione: It says Ignotus Peverell.
Harry: Never heard of him. Oh, well. Can we get back to looking for people I know?
[And after a time they do indeed come upon the graves of Lily and James Potter]
Harry: I see that these stones are made of pure white marble, as befits the family of the Chosen One. [Cries] Oh how awful, that my parents are dead! They’re pushing up daisies under the ground right now!
Hermione: Well…maybe they’re alive and well in some afterlife?
Harry: But they’re not here with meeeeeeeee! Only the suddenness and completeness of death is with me now!
Hermione: Harry, I’m right here.
Harry: Whyyyyyyyy did they have to die?! Why am I meant to face this alone?!
Hermione: Harry, if you keep this up you’ll attract attention.
Harry: But what am I supposed to do?! Here I am at my parents’ graves!
Hermione: Here’s something to lay on their grave. [Conjures up a wreath of roses]
Harry: Thank you. [Lays roses on his parents’ grave] Say, if you can conjure this thing, how come you can’t conjure food or money?
Hermione: What, you don’t like being a tortured martyr who endures all manner of hardships in service to the Great Dumbledore?
Harry: But still…!
Hermione: Come on, we’ve done everything we can here.
[So they leave the cemetery]
Hermione: I’m ignoring you.
[They move around a few more times over the next few weeks]
Harry: And Christmas is drawing ever nearer but still we have no leads!
Hermione: Harry, I found a strange symbol in Beedle the Bard.
Harry: A strange symbol?
Hermione: Right here. [Hermione shows Harry a symbol that Harry recognizes as the same one Xenophilius Lovegood wears]
Harry: Aha! That’s the same symbol Luna’s father wears!
Hermione: Great. So…what about it, then?
Harry: Well, that mark was worn by the Dark wizard Grindlewald!
Hermione: Grindlewald, huh? Then why is it in a book of children’s stories?
Harry: I don’t have the slightest clue! [Pause] But, anyway, I say we go to Godric’s Hollow. It’s the only lead we have.
Hermione: Sure, why not? We might even find the sword of Gryffindor while we’re at it.
Harry: What? What makes you think that?
Hermione: Well…Gryffindor himself was from there. Hence why it’s Godric’s Hollow.
Harry: Aha! Dumbledore and I share our birthplace with the great founder of Gryffindor! No wonder I’m the Chosen One!
Hermione: If I hear the words “Chosen One” one more time…!
Harry: You’ll what?
Hermione: [Thinks for a moment] Never mind. I was bluffing.
Harry: That’s not all! I remember Auntie Muriel saying Bathilda Bagshot lives in Godric’s Hollow!
Hermione: Wow, this place is looking more significant by the second! Let’s go!
Harry: Yes!
Hermione: But first we need to make sure we can disapparate under the Invisibility Cloak and procure disguises.
Harry: You’re no fun….
[But soon enough their affairs are in order, and they Polyjuice themselves and go to Godric’s Hollow]
Hermione: I just realized-it’s Christmas Eve, isn’t it!
Harry: That it is! And look at all this snow!
Hermione: Yes, apparently global warming hasn’t touched wizarding villages.
[In the center of town is a war memorial, which upon closer inspection contains a statue of Harry’s family]
Harry: Wow! They built an entire statue in tribute to my family and me!
Hermione: Harry, don’t do anything to attract attention!
Harry: I’m sorry, but…an entire statue dedicated to me and my family!
Hermione: Stay focused. Let’s start by searching by your parents’ graves.
[In time, they do find some important-looking graves]
Hermione: Harry, Harry! It’s the grave of Kendra and Ariana Dumbledore!
Harry: So it is! It looks as though Rita Skeeter got at least one thing right! Oh, why did my angel Dumbledore never speak of this?! Did he not love me after all?!
Hermione: Harry, stay focused!
[After a time, they come upon a very old, weathered tombstone]
Hermione: Could this be it? [Peels away some moss] Harry, Harry! Look at the symbol it’s got on it!
Harry: Symbol?
Hermione: It’s the symbol from the book!
Harry: Oh my fuck!
Hermione: It says Ignotus Peverell.
Harry: Never heard of him. Oh, well. Can we get back to looking for people I know?
[And after a time they do indeed come upon the graves of Lily and James Potter]
Harry: I see that these stones are made of pure white marble, as befits the family of the Chosen One. [Cries] Oh how awful, that my parents are dead! They’re pushing up daisies under the ground right now!
Hermione: Well…maybe they’re alive and well in some afterlife?
Harry: But they’re not here with meeeeeeeee! Only the suddenness and completeness of death is with me now!
Hermione: Harry, I’m right here.
Harry: Whyyyyyyyy did they have to die?! Why am I meant to face this alone?!
Hermione: Harry, if you keep this up you’ll attract attention.
Harry: But what am I supposed to do?! Here I am at my parents’ graves!
Hermione: Here’s something to lay on their grave. [Conjures up a wreath of roses]
Harry: Thank you. [Lays roses on his parents’ grave] Say, if you can conjure this thing, how come you can’t conjure food or money?
Hermione: What, you don’t like being a tortured martyr who endures all manner of hardships in service to the Great Dumbledore?
Harry: But still…!
Hermione: Come on, we’ve done everything we can here.
[So they leave the cemetery]