Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 14
[They crash-land in the middle of a forest]
Ron: AAAAAGH! HELP ME! I’M DYING!
Harry: You’re dying?! Oh, no! Whatever happened?!
Ron: I splinched.
[Sure enough, a chunk has been taken out of Ron’s arm]
Harry: Splinched?! But last book the instructor made it seem like splinching was no big deal!
Hermione: I know, it’s very strange. Oh, well. Harry, get me some dittany!
[Harry does thus]
[Hermione patches up Ron using dittany]
Harry: But…where are we, Hermione? Why aren’t we at Gimmauld Place?
Hermione: Well, Yaxley was pursuing us, see, and I couldn’t throw him off until he was most of the way there. I had to go somewhere else.
Harry: Oh, woe is us! Now we can’t have Kreacher’s cooking!
Hermione: Since when did you care so much about Kreacher’s cooking?
Harry: Since he started actually being good at it, obviously. It meant one less thing I needed to worry about!
Hermione: Did you ever worry about that to begin with?
Harry: Well…never mind that. Wanna see something I found? [Pulls out Moody’s eye]
Hermione: Harry! Where on earth did you get that?!
Harry: The evil monster Umbridge had it fixed to her door! Can you believe her?!
Hermione: Unfortunately yes.
Ron: So…how long are we planning to stay here, exactly?
Harry: I don’t know. But we can’t very well move in this state.
Hermione: I think I’ll put some protective charms around us, just to be sure. [Does thus] Harry, be a dear and get our tent.
Harry: Will do! [Summons tent] Wait…didn’t this tent belong to one of Mr. Weasley’s friends?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. That. He’d leant it to Mr. Weasley since he didn’t need it any more.
Harry: And he was okay with you using it?
Hermione: I didn’t tell him I was borrowing it.
[Hermione magically sets up the tent.]
Ron: Oh, by the way, it’s come to by attention that You-Know-Who’s name is cursed. So don’t say it anymore, alright?
Harry: Cursed? Are you sure about this?
Ron: Well…not sure. But I have a really, really strong feeling, alright.
Hermione: So the entire lesson about how fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself?
Harry: Gone.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: [Exasperated sigh]
[Harry and Hermione take Ron into the tent and set him up in a bed]
Harry: So, Hermione, did you get the locket?
Hermione: Yes I did! [Pulls out locket] It’s right here!
Harry: Great, great! But…how do we open it?
Hermione: Don’t know.
[They pass the locket around]
Ron: It feels like it’s got a heartbeat!
Harry: It does!
Hermione: Well, what should we do with it now?
Harry: Well, we have to keep it safe. I know! I’ll place it around my neck! [Puts on the locket]
Hermione: Do you really think that’s such a good idea?
Harry: What, is it unmanly for me to wear jewelry?
Hermione: No, that’s not it! But…Harry, don’t you have a bag made of Moke skin? Wouldn’t it be just as safe in that bag as around your neck, if not moreso?!
Harry: What bag?
Hermione: [Facepalm] Never mind. Let’s just keep watch outside the tent. And maybe see about finding some food as well.
[Unfortunately, they can find nothing to eat except wild mushrooms, which taste disgusting.]
[Later that night, Harry sits watch in the dark]
Harry: Oh, this is horrible! There’s so much I don’t understand! Why was I born to die? Why did the Death Eaters have to follow us to Grimmauld Place? What have they done to Kreacher by now? Why is my angel Dumbledore dead when I need him more than ever before?! …Then again, I’m beginning to like feeling this locket on my chest. I can imagine doing it with young, sexy Tom Riddle, at least.
[When Harry falls asleep, he’s transported to Voldemort’s mind again]
Voldemort: I have you now, my pretty Gregorovitch! Now, tell me where I can find the special wand!
Gregorovitch: Which special wand are we talking about?
Voldemort: I don’t know! The specialest, manliest wand that there ever was!
Gregorovitch: Could you be more specific?
Voldemort: More specific?!
Gregorovitch: Aha! You don’t know what wand you’re after, do you?
Voldemort: I do too know!
Gregorovitch: Yet you can’t even ask for it by name?
Voldemort: Well…I…ah…. Let me see your memories!
[Inside Gregorovitch’s memories, Harry sees a man with wild blond hair disappear out Gregorovitch’s window]
Voldemort: Ah! So it was stolen from you!
Gregorovitch: Yes, whatever you say.
Voldemort: By whom?
Gregorovitch: Well…
[But just then, Harry wakes up]
Hermione: Harry, were you looking into You-Know-Who’s mind again?
Harry: Well yes.
Hermione: Harry, this is why you should have learned Occlumency!
Harry: Are you going to be this way every time I have another dream like this?
Hermione: Yes!
Harry: Well, never mind that now. He’s caught up with Gregorovitch, looking for something.
Hermione: That’s nice. I’ve decided to relieve you of your watch now, if you don’t mind terribly.
Harry: Fine, fine. [Disappears into the tent] It’s very strange. I could have sworn I saw the blond thief from Gregorovitch’s memories somewhere before, but I can’t imagine where. Oh, well-a task for later in the story!
Ron: AAAAAGH! HELP ME! I’M DYING!
Harry: You’re dying?! Oh, no! Whatever happened?!
Ron: I splinched.
[Sure enough, a chunk has been taken out of Ron’s arm]
Harry: Splinched?! But last book the instructor made it seem like splinching was no big deal!
Hermione: I know, it’s very strange. Oh, well. Harry, get me some dittany!
[Harry does thus]
[Hermione patches up Ron using dittany]
Harry: But…where are we, Hermione? Why aren’t we at Gimmauld Place?
Hermione: Well, Yaxley was pursuing us, see, and I couldn’t throw him off until he was most of the way there. I had to go somewhere else.
Harry: Oh, woe is us! Now we can’t have Kreacher’s cooking!
Hermione: Since when did you care so much about Kreacher’s cooking?
Harry: Since he started actually being good at it, obviously. It meant one less thing I needed to worry about!
Hermione: Did you ever worry about that to begin with?
Harry: Well…never mind that. Wanna see something I found? [Pulls out Moody’s eye]
Hermione: Harry! Where on earth did you get that?!
Harry: The evil monster Umbridge had it fixed to her door! Can you believe her?!
Hermione: Unfortunately yes.
Ron: So…how long are we planning to stay here, exactly?
Harry: I don’t know. But we can’t very well move in this state.
Hermione: I think I’ll put some protective charms around us, just to be sure. [Does thus] Harry, be a dear and get our tent.
Harry: Will do! [Summons tent] Wait…didn’t this tent belong to one of Mr. Weasley’s friends?
Hermione: Oh, yeah. That. He’d leant it to Mr. Weasley since he didn’t need it any more.
Harry: And he was okay with you using it?
Hermione: I didn’t tell him I was borrowing it.
[Hermione magically sets up the tent.]
Ron: Oh, by the way, it’s come to by attention that You-Know-Who’s name is cursed. So don’t say it anymore, alright?
Harry: Cursed? Are you sure about this?
Ron: Well…not sure. But I have a really, really strong feeling, alright.
Hermione: So the entire lesson about how fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself?
Harry: Gone.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: [Exasperated sigh]
[Harry and Hermione take Ron into the tent and set him up in a bed]
Harry: So, Hermione, did you get the locket?
Hermione: Yes I did! [Pulls out locket] It’s right here!
Harry: Great, great! But…how do we open it?
Hermione: Don’t know.
[They pass the locket around]
Ron: It feels like it’s got a heartbeat!
Harry: It does!
Hermione: Well, what should we do with it now?
Harry: Well, we have to keep it safe. I know! I’ll place it around my neck! [Puts on the locket]
Hermione: Do you really think that’s such a good idea?
Harry: What, is it unmanly for me to wear jewelry?
Hermione: No, that’s not it! But…Harry, don’t you have a bag made of Moke skin? Wouldn’t it be just as safe in that bag as around your neck, if not moreso?!
Harry: What bag?
Hermione: [Facepalm] Never mind. Let’s just keep watch outside the tent. And maybe see about finding some food as well.
[Unfortunately, they can find nothing to eat except wild mushrooms, which taste disgusting.]
[Later that night, Harry sits watch in the dark]
Harry: Oh, this is horrible! There’s so much I don’t understand! Why was I born to die? Why did the Death Eaters have to follow us to Grimmauld Place? What have they done to Kreacher by now? Why is my angel Dumbledore dead when I need him more than ever before?! …Then again, I’m beginning to like feeling this locket on my chest. I can imagine doing it with young, sexy Tom Riddle, at least.
[When Harry falls asleep, he’s transported to Voldemort’s mind again]
Voldemort: I have you now, my pretty Gregorovitch! Now, tell me where I can find the special wand!
Gregorovitch: Which special wand are we talking about?
Voldemort: I don’t know! The specialest, manliest wand that there ever was!
Gregorovitch: Could you be more specific?
Voldemort: More specific?!
Gregorovitch: Aha! You don’t know what wand you’re after, do you?
Voldemort: I do too know!
Gregorovitch: Yet you can’t even ask for it by name?
Voldemort: Well…I…ah…. Let me see your memories!
[Inside Gregorovitch’s memories, Harry sees a man with wild blond hair disappear out Gregorovitch’s window]
Voldemort: Ah! So it was stolen from you!
Gregorovitch: Yes, whatever you say.
Voldemort: By whom?
Gregorovitch: Well…
[But just then, Harry wakes up]
Hermione: Harry, were you looking into You-Know-Who’s mind again?
Harry: Well yes.
Hermione: Harry, this is why you should have learned Occlumency!
Harry: Are you going to be this way every time I have another dream like this?
Hermione: Yes!
Harry: Well, never mind that now. He’s caught up with Gregorovitch, looking for something.
Hermione: That’s nice. I’ve decided to relieve you of your watch now, if you don’t mind terribly.
Harry: Fine, fine. [Disappears into the tent] It’s very strange. I could have sworn I saw the blond thief from Gregorovitch’s memories somewhere before, but I can’t imagine where. Oh, well-a task for later in the story!