Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 13
Umbridge: What are you two looking so surprised about? This is where my office is-of course I would be up here!
Hermione: Surprised? W-why would I be s-surprised?
Umbridge: You aren’t spies, are you?
Hermione: No ma’am-not spies at all!
Umbridge: In that case, Mafalda, come with me. I need you to preside over the trial.
Hermione: Do I have a choice?
Umbridge: No!
Hermione: [Whimpers]
[Hermione leaves with Umbridge just as the Minister of Magic comes up!]
Thicknesse: Hello, Runcorn. What are you doing here?
Harry: Oh, I was just consulting with Arthur Weasley!
Thicknesse: About what?
Harry: Ah…about…sausages! Yeah!
Thicknesse: Sausages?
Harry: You know-the old in-out!
Thicknesse: Do I want to know?
Harry: No, not at all!
Thicknesse: Very well then. [Leaves]
[Harry throws on his Cloak and wanders down the corridor]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! This isn’t going according to plan at all! In fact, I’m not even sure what our plan was anymore! Should I have gone after Umbridge? Oh, I don’t know what to do! If only Dumbledore was here…!
[But, at long last, he finds Umbridge’s office, which has Moody’s eye affixed to it!]
Harry: That monster! Stealing Moody’s magical eye! Now, how should I get into this office? I can’t very well just walk inside, because people are printing pamphlets just next door!
[Sure enough, next door is an office in which people are printing pamphlets about the evil of Mudbloods and Harry]
Harry: I’ll just distract them with this! [Pulls out Decoy Detonator]
[The Decoy Detonator crawls next door and explodes, allowing Harry to sneak into Umbridge’s office]
Harry: Eew! It looks just like her office at Hogwarts!
[Harry searches the locket but can’t find it]
Harry: But what’s this? A file on Arthur Weasley? [Reads file] So they’re calling me Undesirable Number 1 now, and they think Arthur Weasley’s a blood traitor because he allows his family to consort with muggleborns? How strange.
[But one thing Harry DOES find is a copy of Rita Skeeter’s book on Dumbledore!]
Harry: Ooh! No doubt this is important!
[He flips through the book, to find a picture of teenaged Dumbledore laughing with another teenager, who’s got long, golden hair]
Harry: Wow, Dumbledore was so hot as a teenager! And his friend was even hotter!
[But just then, Thicknesse enters!]
Harry: Oh, no! [Throws on Invisibility Cloak just in time and slips away]
[Harry meets up with Ron in the elevator, where they’re soon joined by none other than Mr. Weasley!]
Mr. Weasley: Cattermole, you look terrible!
Ron: Well…you see…Yaxley’s office is raining.
Mr. Weasley: Oh, that’s a shame. Did you try Meteolojinx Recanto?
Ron: Duly noted.
[Ron leaves at the next floor, and Percy takes his place]
Mr. Weasley and Percy: It’s you!
[Percy leaves at the next floor]
Mr. Weasley: Just so you know, Runcorn, there’ll be penance to pay when Dirk Cresswell gets out of Azkaban!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, yes!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Is that all you have to say to me?
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Wow, I didn’t know you were so empty-headed.
[The elevator arrives at the atrium, and Mr. Weasley leaves]
[Harry continues to descend]
Harry: Strange. It feels Dementory down here.
[Sure enough, there are Dementors all over the place. They swarm around a small group of muggleborns, who are sitting alone.]
Harry: Oh, no! What should I do? Should I call Hermione out of here? No, that won’t work-I don’t know if I could get away with it. I suppose I’ll just…stay and watch the trial. Yeah. And hope that I can rescue her and maybe also some of these muggleborns at some point.
Mary Cattermole: That’s strange. Does anyone else hear voices?
Muggleborns: Yeah. Is there a person here?
Harry: Fuck.
[At long last, Mary Cattermole is called in, and Harry follows her into the main trial room, where Umbridge is sitting with Yaxley and Hermione, protecting them with her Patronus]
Harry: That’s odd. I thought only good guys had Patronuses. [Creeps up behind Hermione] Hermione! It’s me!
Hermione: [whispers] Ssh! Not yet! Don’t do anything rash!
Umbridge: So, anyway, it has come to our attention that you, Mary Cattermole, are the daughter of muggles.
Mary Cattermole: Since when was that any business of yours?!
Umbridge: Since my lord and master the Dark Lord decided we ought to emulate a certain muggle known as Hitler.
Mary Cattermole: [Gasp]
Umbridge: Yes, I know. Shocking, isn’t it? Unlike him I actually bothered to read up on the man. Now, prepare to be shipped off in a cattle car and exterminated like the vermin you are!
Mary Cattermole: No! Please, have mercy! I have a husband who loves me and three little children!
Umbridge: We can always just exterminate them too!
Mary Cattermole: No!
Umbridge: Yes! [Flashes Slytherin’s locket, which she’s wearing around her neck] Do you see this locket? This locket belonged to my family!
Mary Cattermole: But your last name starts with a U.
Umbridge: It…ah…belongs to long-lost family on my mother’s side!
Mary Cattermole: Alright…but…ah…what does this have to do with--?
Umbridge: So in conclusion, expecting mercy from me is like expecting the tide not to come in! Death shall be the price for your liberty from our awful, racist ways!
Harry: How dare this awful, awful monster act like Sirius’s locket had ever belonged to her! Stupefy! [Stuns Umbridge] Stupefy to you too! [Stuns Yaxley] Now, Hermione, let’s get out of here!
Hermione: And the muggleborns?
Harry: Oh, yeah. Expecto patronum!
[Harry’s Patronus holds the Dementors at bay]
Harry: Now…grab the locket!
Hermione: Right! [Hermione grabs the locket and duplicates it]
Harry: Hermione, I just realized Mrs. Cattermole is wearing chains.
Hermione: Leave that to me! Relashio! [Frees Mary Cattermole]
Mary Cattermole: What’s going on?! Runcorn, aren’t you a Death Eater?!
Harry: I’m…ah…being possessed by the Chosen One and he’s forcing me to be good for a change! Now let’s go!
[They run out the door]
Hermione: Expecto patronum!
[Hermione’s Patronus joins Harry’s in helping to keep the Dementors at bay]
Muggleborns: What is all this?!
Harry: I’m the disembodied voice you heard, come to save you!
Muggleborns: Oh, well-as long as it gets us out of here!
[They all run for the exits, Harry and Hermione in tow. Soon Ron catches up to them]
Mary Cattermole: Oh, there you are, Reg! I was hoping you’d show up!
Ron: There must be a mistake-I’m not your husband.
[They make it out to the atrium…]
Harry: Alright, listen up, all of you! You are now under official orders to let the muggleborns escape!
Old wizard: What?! But that completely contradicts everything we’ve been told before!
Harry: Orders from the top, dammit!
[The old wizard has no choice but to comply]
[But just then, Yaxley catches up!]
Yaxley: What the fuck is the meaning of all this?!
Harry: Oh, I’ve decided that the muggleborns should be allowed to escape after all.
Yaxley: You can’t do that!
Harry: I just did.
Yaxley: Damn you! I’ll have you arrested and burned to death right along with the mudbloods!
Harry: I’ll make it worth your while to look the other way.
Yaxley: Dream on!
Harry: We can have a drink of that lovely East Anglian cider that comes out of that drinking fountain! That old hag Umbridge doesn’t need to know about it!
Yaxley: Keep talking.
[Just then, Reg Cattermole appears!]
Reg Cattermole: My wife!
Mary Cattermole: Husband?!
Ron: Off you two get now! [Shoves both of them into the fireplace]
Harry: Oops! Well, it’s time for us to get going!
[Harry grabs Ron and Hermione and they all disapparate, with Yaxley hot on their heels!]
Yaxley: Wait! What about the ciiiiiiiiideeeeeeeeeer?!
Hermione: Surprised? W-why would I be s-surprised?
Umbridge: You aren’t spies, are you?
Hermione: No ma’am-not spies at all!
Umbridge: In that case, Mafalda, come with me. I need you to preside over the trial.
Hermione: Do I have a choice?
Umbridge: No!
Hermione: [Whimpers]
[Hermione leaves with Umbridge just as the Minister of Magic comes up!]
Thicknesse: Hello, Runcorn. What are you doing here?
Harry: Oh, I was just consulting with Arthur Weasley!
Thicknesse: About what?
Harry: Ah…about…sausages! Yeah!
Thicknesse: Sausages?
Harry: You know-the old in-out!
Thicknesse: Do I want to know?
Harry: No, not at all!
Thicknesse: Very well then. [Leaves]
[Harry throws on his Cloak and wanders down the corridor]
Harry: Oh, woe is me! This isn’t going according to plan at all! In fact, I’m not even sure what our plan was anymore! Should I have gone after Umbridge? Oh, I don’t know what to do! If only Dumbledore was here…!
[But, at long last, he finds Umbridge’s office, which has Moody’s eye affixed to it!]
Harry: That monster! Stealing Moody’s magical eye! Now, how should I get into this office? I can’t very well just walk inside, because people are printing pamphlets just next door!
[Sure enough, next door is an office in which people are printing pamphlets about the evil of Mudbloods and Harry]
Harry: I’ll just distract them with this! [Pulls out Decoy Detonator]
[The Decoy Detonator crawls next door and explodes, allowing Harry to sneak into Umbridge’s office]
Harry: Eew! It looks just like her office at Hogwarts!
[Harry searches the locket but can’t find it]
Harry: But what’s this? A file on Arthur Weasley? [Reads file] So they’re calling me Undesirable Number 1 now, and they think Arthur Weasley’s a blood traitor because he allows his family to consort with muggleborns? How strange.
[But one thing Harry DOES find is a copy of Rita Skeeter’s book on Dumbledore!]
Harry: Ooh! No doubt this is important!
[He flips through the book, to find a picture of teenaged Dumbledore laughing with another teenager, who’s got long, golden hair]
Harry: Wow, Dumbledore was so hot as a teenager! And his friend was even hotter!
[But just then, Thicknesse enters!]
Harry: Oh, no! [Throws on Invisibility Cloak just in time and slips away]
[Harry meets up with Ron in the elevator, where they’re soon joined by none other than Mr. Weasley!]
Mr. Weasley: Cattermole, you look terrible!
Ron: Well…you see…Yaxley’s office is raining.
Mr. Weasley: Oh, that’s a shame. Did you try Meteolojinx Recanto?
Ron: Duly noted.
[Ron leaves at the next floor, and Percy takes his place]
Mr. Weasley and Percy: It’s you!
[Percy leaves at the next floor]
Mr. Weasley: Just so you know, Runcorn, there’ll be penance to pay when Dirk Cresswell gets out of Azkaban!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Oh, yes!
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Is that all you have to say to me?
Harry: You don’t say!
Mr. Weasley: Wow, I didn’t know you were so empty-headed.
[The elevator arrives at the atrium, and Mr. Weasley leaves]
[Harry continues to descend]
Harry: Strange. It feels Dementory down here.
[Sure enough, there are Dementors all over the place. They swarm around a small group of muggleborns, who are sitting alone.]
Harry: Oh, no! What should I do? Should I call Hermione out of here? No, that won’t work-I don’t know if I could get away with it. I suppose I’ll just…stay and watch the trial. Yeah. And hope that I can rescue her and maybe also some of these muggleborns at some point.
Mary Cattermole: That’s strange. Does anyone else hear voices?
Muggleborns: Yeah. Is there a person here?
Harry: Fuck.
[At long last, Mary Cattermole is called in, and Harry follows her into the main trial room, where Umbridge is sitting with Yaxley and Hermione, protecting them with her Patronus]
Harry: That’s odd. I thought only good guys had Patronuses. [Creeps up behind Hermione] Hermione! It’s me!
Hermione: [whispers] Ssh! Not yet! Don’t do anything rash!
Umbridge: So, anyway, it has come to our attention that you, Mary Cattermole, are the daughter of muggles.
Mary Cattermole: Since when was that any business of yours?!
Umbridge: Since my lord and master the Dark Lord decided we ought to emulate a certain muggle known as Hitler.
Mary Cattermole: [Gasp]
Umbridge: Yes, I know. Shocking, isn’t it? Unlike him I actually bothered to read up on the man. Now, prepare to be shipped off in a cattle car and exterminated like the vermin you are!
Mary Cattermole: No! Please, have mercy! I have a husband who loves me and three little children!
Umbridge: We can always just exterminate them too!
Mary Cattermole: No!
Umbridge: Yes! [Flashes Slytherin’s locket, which she’s wearing around her neck] Do you see this locket? This locket belonged to my family!
Mary Cattermole: But your last name starts with a U.
Umbridge: It…ah…belongs to long-lost family on my mother’s side!
Mary Cattermole: Alright…but…ah…what does this have to do with--?
Umbridge: So in conclusion, expecting mercy from me is like expecting the tide not to come in! Death shall be the price for your liberty from our awful, racist ways!
Harry: How dare this awful, awful monster act like Sirius’s locket had ever belonged to her! Stupefy! [Stuns Umbridge] Stupefy to you too! [Stuns Yaxley] Now, Hermione, let’s get out of here!
Hermione: And the muggleborns?
Harry: Oh, yeah. Expecto patronum!
[Harry’s Patronus holds the Dementors at bay]
Harry: Now…grab the locket!
Hermione: Right! [Hermione grabs the locket and duplicates it]
Harry: Hermione, I just realized Mrs. Cattermole is wearing chains.
Hermione: Leave that to me! Relashio! [Frees Mary Cattermole]
Mary Cattermole: What’s going on?! Runcorn, aren’t you a Death Eater?!
Harry: I’m…ah…being possessed by the Chosen One and he’s forcing me to be good for a change! Now let’s go!
[They run out the door]
Hermione: Expecto patronum!
[Hermione’s Patronus joins Harry’s in helping to keep the Dementors at bay]
Muggleborns: What is all this?!
Harry: I’m the disembodied voice you heard, come to save you!
Muggleborns: Oh, well-as long as it gets us out of here!
[They all run for the exits, Harry and Hermione in tow. Soon Ron catches up to them]
Mary Cattermole: Oh, there you are, Reg! I was hoping you’d show up!
Ron: There must be a mistake-I’m not your husband.
[They make it out to the atrium…]
Harry: Alright, listen up, all of you! You are now under official orders to let the muggleborns escape!
Old wizard: What?! But that completely contradicts everything we’ve been told before!
Harry: Orders from the top, dammit!
[The old wizard has no choice but to comply]
[But just then, Yaxley catches up!]
Yaxley: What the fuck is the meaning of all this?!
Harry: Oh, I’ve decided that the muggleborns should be allowed to escape after all.
Yaxley: You can’t do that!
Harry: I just did.
Yaxley: Damn you! I’ll have you arrested and burned to death right along with the mudbloods!
Harry: I’ll make it worth your while to look the other way.
Yaxley: Dream on!
Harry: We can have a drink of that lovely East Anglian cider that comes out of that drinking fountain! That old hag Umbridge doesn’t need to know about it!
Yaxley: Keep talking.
[Just then, Reg Cattermole appears!]
Reg Cattermole: My wife!
Mary Cattermole: Husband?!
Ron: Off you two get now! [Shoves both of them into the fireplace]
Harry: Oops! Well, it’s time for us to get going!
[Harry grabs Ron and Hermione and they all disapparate, with Yaxley hot on their heels!]
Yaxley: Wait! What about the ciiiiiiiiideeeeeeeeeer?!