Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 12
[One day, Harry goes out to get the newspaper, which reveals that Snape has been made Headmaster of Hogwarts!]
Harry: This is awful! How dare they let that traitorous, murderous monster lead our noble school?!
Hermione: Well, at least now we know where he is. Rumors of his whereabouts have been circulating all last summer. There was one witch who insisted that Snape had eaten her family! [Takes newspaper from Harry] It looks like two teaching positions have been replaced.
Harry: Yeah. By Death Eaters!
Hermione: That reminds me. [Leaves]
Ron: Well…at least we know our favorite teachers won’t stand for this! …Will they?
Harry: Do they have a choice?
Ron: You have a fair point.
[Kreacher serves them soup]
Harry: Kreacher, I didn’t know you could cook!
Kreacher: I’d be a fine house-elf if I couldn’t. [to self] Little does he know, by being nice to him I’m insuring that he’s in my debt.
[Shortly afterward, Hermione returns, carrying a giant picture frame]
Ron: Hermione, what on earth do you have one of those things for?!
Hermione: It belongs to Phineas Nigellus! If Snape is in Dumbledore’s office he can spy on it using this man’s picture-but if we steal it…. [Stuffs picture into handbag]
Ron: Oh, good. Maybe he can provide us with advice later.
Harry: Advice from a Slytherin?! …Well, at least it’s better than expecting me to figure things out for myself.
Harry: So, anyway, we have nothing to report from our times spent watching the Ministry. We haven’t seen Umbridge at all.
Hermione: You were watching the Ministry?
Ron: Apparently so.
Harry: You know. Because we have to break into the Ministry to get at Umbridge. And to break into the Ministry we need to do a lot of reconnaissance.
Hermione: Oh, right! We were doing reconnaissance for the purposes of breaking into the Ministry! I can’t believe I forgot!
Ron: Well in fairness it’s not like that was established prior to this scene.
Harry: I have an idea! Why don’t we try to break in tomorrow?!
Hermione: Tomorrow?! But why?!
Ron: You really think we’ve got enough information?
Harry: Come on-staying in this house is as boring for the audience as it is for us. Let’s do something exciting.
Hermione: But we’ve only been here for, like, two and a half chapters or so.
Harry: Yeah, well that’s still, like, one-eight the length of the first book in this series.
Ron: Well, it’s my professional opinion this will be too dangerous for Hermione, so she should stay behind.
Hermione: Excuse me, you sexist pig!
Ron: [Sheepish] Well, you are an unregistered muggle-born….
Hermione: And, Harry’s the Chosen One! If there’s anyone who should stay behind, it’s Harry!
Harry: But it’s because I’m the Chosen One that I have to go! I couldn’t possibly be left out of the action!
[But just then, Harry’s scar begins to hurt]
Harry: I don’t feel very well. [Leaves table]
Kreacher: But you haven’t finished your soup! Don’t let my cooking to go waste!
Harry: Fuck off!
[Harry reaches the bathroom, where he’s transported to Voldemort’s mind again.]
Voldemort: Gregorovitch! Gregooooooroviiiiiiiitch!
[He comes upon a house]
Voldemort: This should be his house! Gregoooooooroviiiiiiitch!
[But instead, a woman answers the door]
Voldemort: You there! Where is Gregorovitch?!
Woman: I sorry, I no speak English good.
Voldemort: What?! You don’t speak English!? Damn foreigners with their funny languages! Learning new languages is so much effort!
Woman: I’m right here!
Voldemort: So you are. Now tell me, where is Gregorovitch?!
Woman: Gone.
Voldemort: Gone!? How dare you tell me something other than what I want to hear! Take this! Avada Kedavra!
Woman: Aaaaagh! [Dies]
Children: Mother?!
Voldemort: And same to you!
[But just then, Harry’s pulled out of Voldemort’s mind again]
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello, there. Like I said, I was just feeling sick.
Hermione: You expect me to believe that?! You’re having scar trouble again, aren’t you?
Harry: Well…yes….
Hermione: [Sighs] What was the vision?
Harry: Voldemort was killing a family for inconveniencing him!
Hermione: Is it really news to you that someone like him would do that sort of thing? You know, you wouldn’t be seeing these sorts of things if you knew how to close your mind.
Harry: But closing my mind is haaaaard. Besides, this way I can see what he’s up to.
Hermione: What good is that if you can’t do anything about it? [Reflects for a moment] Do you, perhaps, enjoying being inside his mind on some level?
Harry: Enjoy?! Why on earth would I enjoy being in the mind of an ugly, stupid man with no nose and red eyes who likes to go around killing families for no good reason?! Including my own!?
Hermione: Well your behavior doesn’t exactly support that claim.
Harry: I’m curious about Gregorovitch, though.
Hermione: Who is Gregorovitch?
Harry: He’s a famous wandmaker. He made Krum’s wand. What, did he never tell you that?
Ron: That’s odd. If he’s kidnapped Ollivander why does he need another wandmaker?
Harry: Maybe it has something to do with how my wand keeps blocking him from hurting me?
Ron: You know what? Let’s just get back to the plan for the Ministry.
[They spend the rest of the evening doing just that. The next morning, they leave right after breakfast]
Hermione: I’ll disapparate both of you.
Harry: What?! But we know how to do that!
Hermione: Not officially you don’t.
[Hermione takes Ron over first, then Harry]
Hermione: So, I’ll stun the first witch I see, and we’ll go from there. I see no problems with this plan.
[The first witch to arrive is Mafalda Hopkirk]
Hermione: I gotcha! [stuns Mafalda Hopkirk and grabs several hairs, which she drops into Polyjuice potion]
[Hermione drinks the potion and assumes Mafalda Hopkirk’s shape]
Hermione: Now I shall give a Puking Pastille to the first Ministry wizard I see!
[In time, a person from Magical Maintenance arrives]
Hermione: So, anyway, do you want a piece of candy?
Magical Maintenance wizard: I have diabetes, actually.
Hermione: Ah…this candy is sugar-free!
Magical Maintenance wizard: Sugar-free, you say?
Hermione: Yes! Nutritious and delicious!
Magical Maintenance wizard: Well, if you insist…. [He takes one of the candies and instantly begins throwing up]
Hermione: [Grabs several hairs from his head] Oh, dear. Why don’t you get yourself to St. Mango’s to get sorted out?
Magical Maintenance wizard: St. Mango’s? You do realize that it’s called St. Mungo’s right?
Hermione: Well, either way, the fact remains that you’re too sick to work now.
Magical Maintenance wizard: I suppose I have no choice. [Disapparates]
[Ron mixes the hairs into the Polyjuice potion, which he drinks before donning some Magical Maintenance robes]
Ron: Now, Harry, we’ll just go off and get you some hairs.
[He and Hermione vanish]
Harry: Great. Just leave me here, where I’ll be an easy target for any Death Eaters who come by!
[But, in fact, Ron and Hermione return quickly]
Harry: Oh, good! You’re back! [Drinks potion and morphs into a large wizard with black hair]
Hermione: Now then, let’s go to the Ministry of Magic!
[They eventually join a bunch of other witches and wizards outside an old toilet, which they flush themselves down to get to the Ministry of Magic]
[Once at the Ministry, the three of them notice that the old golden statue is replaced by an immense silver fountain that spouts four different liquids, three in different shades of brown and one in reddish-purple!]
Hermione: Is that…wine?
[Just then, the Death Eater Yaxley approaches]
Yaxley: Oh, don’t look so surprised! You pass by that drinking fountain every day at work, don’t you?
Ron: Er…yes, we do.
Yaxley: Ah, there you are, Cattermole. My office is raining-go fix it. If you do a good job I might even consider sparing your poor wife from an untimely death.
Ron: Er…right!
Yaxley: [to Harry] Between you and me, I’d love to have some of that delicious East Anglian cider, but I don’t fancy having to fight Dolores Umbridge for it! [He heads downstairs just as an elevator]
Harry: East Anglian cider…? I mean, East Anglian cider!
Hermione: Cider from the home of Salazar Slytherin, no doubt.
[They get on the elevator]
Ron: Hermione, Hermione! How on earth will I fix Yaxley’s office?!
Hermione: Finite Incantatem should get the rain to stop if it’s a curse. If that doesn’t work, well, you can use Impervius to protect his belongings.
Ron: I don’t understand you!
[His floor arrives, and he gets out. Just as the gate closes…]
Hermione: I should get out and help Ron. Harry, you’ll have to look for Umbridge on your own.
Harry: Alright, then.
[But once they open the door, Umbridge is there!]
Harry and Hermione: AAAAGH! [Clutch one another in fear]
Harry: This is awful! How dare they let that traitorous, murderous monster lead our noble school?!
Hermione: Well, at least now we know where he is. Rumors of his whereabouts have been circulating all last summer. There was one witch who insisted that Snape had eaten her family! [Takes newspaper from Harry] It looks like two teaching positions have been replaced.
Harry: Yeah. By Death Eaters!
Hermione: That reminds me. [Leaves]
Ron: Well…at least we know our favorite teachers won’t stand for this! …Will they?
Harry: Do they have a choice?
Ron: You have a fair point.
[Kreacher serves them soup]
Harry: Kreacher, I didn’t know you could cook!
Kreacher: I’d be a fine house-elf if I couldn’t. [to self] Little does he know, by being nice to him I’m insuring that he’s in my debt.
[Shortly afterward, Hermione returns, carrying a giant picture frame]
Ron: Hermione, what on earth do you have one of those things for?!
Hermione: It belongs to Phineas Nigellus! If Snape is in Dumbledore’s office he can spy on it using this man’s picture-but if we steal it…. [Stuffs picture into handbag]
Ron: Oh, good. Maybe he can provide us with advice later.
Harry: Advice from a Slytherin?! …Well, at least it’s better than expecting me to figure things out for myself.
Harry: So, anyway, we have nothing to report from our times spent watching the Ministry. We haven’t seen Umbridge at all.
Hermione: You were watching the Ministry?
Ron: Apparently so.
Harry: You know. Because we have to break into the Ministry to get at Umbridge. And to break into the Ministry we need to do a lot of reconnaissance.
Hermione: Oh, right! We were doing reconnaissance for the purposes of breaking into the Ministry! I can’t believe I forgot!
Ron: Well in fairness it’s not like that was established prior to this scene.
Harry: I have an idea! Why don’t we try to break in tomorrow?!
Hermione: Tomorrow?! But why?!
Ron: You really think we’ve got enough information?
Harry: Come on-staying in this house is as boring for the audience as it is for us. Let’s do something exciting.
Hermione: But we’ve only been here for, like, two and a half chapters or so.
Harry: Yeah, well that’s still, like, one-eight the length of the first book in this series.
Ron: Well, it’s my professional opinion this will be too dangerous for Hermione, so she should stay behind.
Hermione: Excuse me, you sexist pig!
Ron: [Sheepish] Well, you are an unregistered muggle-born….
Hermione: And, Harry’s the Chosen One! If there’s anyone who should stay behind, it’s Harry!
Harry: But it’s because I’m the Chosen One that I have to go! I couldn’t possibly be left out of the action!
[But just then, Harry’s scar begins to hurt]
Harry: I don’t feel very well. [Leaves table]
Kreacher: But you haven’t finished your soup! Don’t let my cooking to go waste!
Harry: Fuck off!
[Harry reaches the bathroom, where he’s transported to Voldemort’s mind again.]
Voldemort: Gregorovitch! Gregooooooroviiiiiiiitch!
[He comes upon a house]
Voldemort: This should be his house! Gregoooooooroviiiiiiitch!
[But instead, a woman answers the door]
Voldemort: You there! Where is Gregorovitch?!
Woman: I sorry, I no speak English good.
Voldemort: What?! You don’t speak English!? Damn foreigners with their funny languages! Learning new languages is so much effort!
Woman: I’m right here!
Voldemort: So you are. Now tell me, where is Gregorovitch?!
Woman: Gone.
Voldemort: Gone!? How dare you tell me something other than what I want to hear! Take this! Avada Kedavra!
Woman: Aaaaagh! [Dies]
Children: Mother?!
Voldemort: And same to you!
[But just then, Harry’s pulled out of Voldemort’s mind again]
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: Oh, hello, there. Like I said, I was just feeling sick.
Hermione: You expect me to believe that?! You’re having scar trouble again, aren’t you?
Harry: Well…yes….
Hermione: [Sighs] What was the vision?
Harry: Voldemort was killing a family for inconveniencing him!
Hermione: Is it really news to you that someone like him would do that sort of thing? You know, you wouldn’t be seeing these sorts of things if you knew how to close your mind.
Harry: But closing my mind is haaaaard. Besides, this way I can see what he’s up to.
Hermione: What good is that if you can’t do anything about it? [Reflects for a moment] Do you, perhaps, enjoying being inside his mind on some level?
Harry: Enjoy?! Why on earth would I enjoy being in the mind of an ugly, stupid man with no nose and red eyes who likes to go around killing families for no good reason?! Including my own!?
Hermione: Well your behavior doesn’t exactly support that claim.
Harry: I’m curious about Gregorovitch, though.
Hermione: Who is Gregorovitch?
Harry: He’s a famous wandmaker. He made Krum’s wand. What, did he never tell you that?
Ron: That’s odd. If he’s kidnapped Ollivander why does he need another wandmaker?
Harry: Maybe it has something to do with how my wand keeps blocking him from hurting me?
Ron: You know what? Let’s just get back to the plan for the Ministry.
[They spend the rest of the evening doing just that. The next morning, they leave right after breakfast]
Hermione: I’ll disapparate both of you.
Harry: What?! But we know how to do that!
Hermione: Not officially you don’t.
[Hermione takes Ron over first, then Harry]
Hermione: So, I’ll stun the first witch I see, and we’ll go from there. I see no problems with this plan.
[The first witch to arrive is Mafalda Hopkirk]
Hermione: I gotcha! [stuns Mafalda Hopkirk and grabs several hairs, which she drops into Polyjuice potion]
[Hermione drinks the potion and assumes Mafalda Hopkirk’s shape]
Hermione: Now I shall give a Puking Pastille to the first Ministry wizard I see!
[In time, a person from Magical Maintenance arrives]
Hermione: So, anyway, do you want a piece of candy?
Magical Maintenance wizard: I have diabetes, actually.
Hermione: Ah…this candy is sugar-free!
Magical Maintenance wizard: Sugar-free, you say?
Hermione: Yes! Nutritious and delicious!
Magical Maintenance wizard: Well, if you insist…. [He takes one of the candies and instantly begins throwing up]
Hermione: [Grabs several hairs from his head] Oh, dear. Why don’t you get yourself to St. Mango’s to get sorted out?
Magical Maintenance wizard: St. Mango’s? You do realize that it’s called St. Mungo’s right?
Hermione: Well, either way, the fact remains that you’re too sick to work now.
Magical Maintenance wizard: I suppose I have no choice. [Disapparates]
[Ron mixes the hairs into the Polyjuice potion, which he drinks before donning some Magical Maintenance robes]
Ron: Now, Harry, we’ll just go off and get you some hairs.
[He and Hermione vanish]
Harry: Great. Just leave me here, where I’ll be an easy target for any Death Eaters who come by!
[But, in fact, Ron and Hermione return quickly]
Harry: Oh, good! You’re back! [Drinks potion and morphs into a large wizard with black hair]
Hermione: Now then, let’s go to the Ministry of Magic!
[They eventually join a bunch of other witches and wizards outside an old toilet, which they flush themselves down to get to the Ministry of Magic]
[Once at the Ministry, the three of them notice that the old golden statue is replaced by an immense silver fountain that spouts four different liquids, three in different shades of brown and one in reddish-purple!]
Hermione: Is that…wine?
[Just then, the Death Eater Yaxley approaches]
Yaxley: Oh, don’t look so surprised! You pass by that drinking fountain every day at work, don’t you?
Ron: Er…yes, we do.
Yaxley: Ah, there you are, Cattermole. My office is raining-go fix it. If you do a good job I might even consider sparing your poor wife from an untimely death.
Ron: Er…right!
Yaxley: [to Harry] Between you and me, I’d love to have some of that delicious East Anglian cider, but I don’t fancy having to fight Dolores Umbridge for it! [He heads downstairs just as an elevator]
Harry: East Anglian cider…? I mean, East Anglian cider!
Hermione: Cider from the home of Salazar Slytherin, no doubt.
[They get on the elevator]
Ron: Hermione, Hermione! How on earth will I fix Yaxley’s office?!
Hermione: Finite Incantatem should get the rain to stop if it’s a curse. If that doesn’t work, well, you can use Impervius to protect his belongings.
Ron: I don’t understand you!
[His floor arrives, and he gets out. Just as the gate closes…]
Hermione: I should get out and help Ron. Harry, you’ll have to look for Umbridge on your own.
Harry: Alright, then.
[But once they open the door, Umbridge is there!]
Harry and Hermione: AAAAGH! [Clutch one another in fear]