wanna die young sell my soul
My life is full of moments of weakness.
I was denied short term disability yesterday and I had a mini breakdown. They were really nasty about it too my case worker was like your doctors should have replied to us. To which I said I had been in constant contact with them. She said well maybe next time if you appeal you could get the records yourself. And I was like (in my head ) are u kidding me? not one person I talked to and I called them about seventy times told me they needed anything else. She was a stupid fucking bitch and was snarky and sarcastic with me. This is only the second time I've talked to her despite NUMEROUS times and I do mean numerous times I asked her to call me. So I was understandably upset.
So I called HR and they told me they didn't know if I still had my job or what was going on. But that a specialist would contact me in two business days (of course not counting Friday). Well that's Christmas eve and I doubt that they are going to get back to me til next week so more waiting. I'm guessing I'm going to have to go back to work except that Dea doesn't want me on her team. I did file for uc just in case. and I wait some more.
In the meantime I tried calling my mom because I was so upset.When she did call me back it was the old guilt nothing I say is good enough for you. So I hung up on her and was crying hysterically. I had been trying to go see my dad to maybe take me to the hospital and they were apperntly together because my mom had a long lunch and my and went to pick her up and take her to lunch. Well at this point I was frantic. My parents were being douches. Emrys was not online(more on that later) and Em was not online and Adrienne was at work. And really as much s I'd been talking to people from NOla none of them no how bad things are so I was desperate and hysterical. I went home and I had actually written a suicide note a couple days ago and I took it out and put it on my counter thing on in my living room. Then I went into the kitchen and took a knife and sat on my couch and started hacking at my wrist. I managed about five shallow cuts before I realized my phone was still ringing and I didn't want to be interrupted if was going to do this so I picked it up and my mom starts yelling at me and my dad gets on the phone and starts asking me what the hell was wrong with me and I was being ridiculous.. All of a sudden I was back at being six or seven when I started get migraines and I would be lying on the linoleum in bathroom and I was so sick and so scared. And there was my dad screaming at me what was wrong with you? (because you know that young and getting migraines and being so sick I should just be sitting htere perfectly calm not crying ) so as I'm alternately puking my guts out from the pain in my head and curled up in a fetal position and my father is screaming at me and blaming me. You know I still have nightmares where I hear knocking and I wake up in in a panic waiting for my dad to enter and start screaming at me and telling how useless and lazy and horrible I am. The emotional abuse has lessened as he has been taking medication. However, its all a front. Ive been telling myself to give him some room because he was through some horrible things but all of my anxiety and self esteem issues can be linked to him. I'm certain. The monster he is is still underneath. And of course my mother is standing behind him lisetning but not doing anything and she comforts me later but she let's it happen over and over again. In that moment I snapped. And I started screaming at him and my mother. They literally threatened to have me put away against my will because I was upset. What the fuck is wrong with my parents?I called for sympathy and what I got was a horrible horrible treatment. Its no wonder I never get any better.
I guess their horribleness saved me from finishing what I was going because by the time I was done screaming (Im sure my neighbors LOVED hearing about my AWESOME breakdown and problems) I no longer wanted to kill myself I was so mad I couldn't stand it. So I put the knife away and now have some pretty sweet scratches on my actual wrist. And I guess should stop calling them scratches I should call them cuts. Because even tho I am drawing little blood thats what they are. Cuts. Like I'm some sixteen year old girl (nothing against sixteen year old girls) but I'm going to be 32 friday I think. I don't know the days anymore. But I'm sure it's not the end of it. I threw my suicide note in the trash and I went filed a complaint with the EOOC federal office. I faxed it last night from copies and stuff. I'm doing to fill one out with the department of labor as well. They can get slapped with a 10000 fine if they find I was discriminated against if I get teh department of labor. Granted, that's not money I can get but If the EOOC finds in my favor I can get money and also I can sue them and most likely win because the EOOC is a federal agency. I doubt anything will come of it but I feel better about it.
In other news I have a phone interview Monday for some position at MET. i'm not sure why I'm even bothering because I'm prob not going to get that either but its part of the reason I'm not hospitalizing myself now. I was just gonna drive to Meadows today and not tell anyone but I don't feel like I want to kill myself anymore. I feel bad. But I feel like I don't want that yet. That I have to see what's gonna happen next week. See if I'm allowed to go back to work and if I am I may just to piss them off and I will tell Dea if she tries to talk to me just like I'm telling HR I already filed with the EOOC and The department and labor and it's best she doesn't talk to me because I'm taking legal action. The best course of action would be to have them fire me and then I could really have a case but I'm going to make sure they know they cannot fuck with me and it be okay. At least then I will have money again. And I can do A terrible job. And believe you me I will and do the least work possible . And if anyone tries to talk to me I will tell them to go fuck themselves.
My mother is coming over soon to talk to me. I'm going to show her my wrist. And really the only reason I'm even talking to her is that I need her help financially especially if I have no job. And because she owes me that. I already had one vodka and soda I'm going to go make another before she gets here whenever that is. She seemed oddly not mad at me when she called me. Too bad I'm fucking furious too and I'm going to calmly tell her whats what.I guess she can have me committed to the hospital if I show her my arm but I don't think she will because it would shatter her little world. She doesn't want me there she just doesn't want me bitching. God I still feel like crying . I'm in a terrible place between fury and being sad.
The emrys thing, I don't know if he has me blocked or is mad at me. We were fine the other day. But he has legit not been online for two days now. Which is weird for him because he is attached at the hip to his fucking computer. I am going to guess either he's found someone finally hell maybe Perna came to visit or he is with someone else because can't imagine him not being connected to the internet unless a girl was involved especially for two days. I don't think he really blocked me because I don't mean that much to him. It doesn't really matter. I just really wanted to talk to him yesterday because for once the last time he was calm with me and nice and kind. But now he can't be bothered which doesn't really surprise me. So I blocked im so I can't see whatever the fuck he is doing or hear about who he is currently fucking cause eventually he would tell me. I hope he has a horrible christmas because he is a horrible friend and person. Thats me being paranoid, angry and mean and I don't fucking care at the moment.
Thank god for Adrienne yesterday who responded to my million emails. Em I would have emailed you but I feel bad sometimes doing so because I'm an idiot and I know you are kind and wonderful and I should have emailed you but I hate sharing my crisis and utter weakness sometimes yet another person I feel like I spread poison. Adrienne is kind of immune to it, or at least she pretends to be for me. I'm not sure what I'd do without any of you. Well again off to make some fucking drinks. So I can handle all this shit happening. <3 to everyone and hugs. j
I was denied short term disability yesterday and I had a mini breakdown. They were really nasty about it too my case worker was like your doctors should have replied to us. To which I said I had been in constant contact with them. She said well maybe next time if you appeal you could get the records yourself. And I was like (in my head ) are u kidding me? not one person I talked to and I called them about seventy times told me they needed anything else. She was a stupid fucking bitch and was snarky and sarcastic with me. This is only the second time I've talked to her despite NUMEROUS times and I do mean numerous times I asked her to call me. So I was understandably upset.
So I called HR and they told me they didn't know if I still had my job or what was going on. But that a specialist would contact me in two business days (of course not counting Friday). Well that's Christmas eve and I doubt that they are going to get back to me til next week so more waiting. I'm guessing I'm going to have to go back to work except that Dea doesn't want me on her team. I did file for uc just in case. and I wait some more.
In the meantime I tried calling my mom because I was so upset.When she did call me back it was the old guilt nothing I say is good enough for you. So I hung up on her and was crying hysterically. I had been trying to go see my dad to maybe take me to the hospital and they were apperntly together because my mom had a long lunch and my and went to pick her up and take her to lunch. Well at this point I was frantic. My parents were being douches. Emrys was not online(more on that later) and Em was not online and Adrienne was at work. And really as much s I'd been talking to people from NOla none of them no how bad things are so I was desperate and hysterical. I went home and I had actually written a suicide note a couple days ago and I took it out and put it on my counter thing on in my living room. Then I went into the kitchen and took a knife and sat on my couch and started hacking at my wrist. I managed about five shallow cuts before I realized my phone was still ringing and I didn't want to be interrupted if was going to do this so I picked it up and my mom starts yelling at me and my dad gets on the phone and starts asking me what the hell was wrong with me and I was being ridiculous.. All of a sudden I was back at being six or seven when I started get migraines and I would be lying on the linoleum in bathroom and I was so sick and so scared. And there was my dad screaming at me what was wrong with you? (because you know that young and getting migraines and being so sick I should just be sitting htere perfectly calm not crying ) so as I'm alternately puking my guts out from the pain in my head and curled up in a fetal position and my father is screaming at me and blaming me. You know I still have nightmares where I hear knocking and I wake up in in a panic waiting for my dad to enter and start screaming at me and telling how useless and lazy and horrible I am. The emotional abuse has lessened as he has been taking medication. However, its all a front. Ive been telling myself to give him some room because he was through some horrible things but all of my anxiety and self esteem issues can be linked to him. I'm certain. The monster he is is still underneath. And of course my mother is standing behind him lisetning but not doing anything and she comforts me later but she let's it happen over and over again. In that moment I snapped. And I started screaming at him and my mother. They literally threatened to have me put away against my will because I was upset. What the fuck is wrong with my parents?I called for sympathy and what I got was a horrible horrible treatment. Its no wonder I never get any better.
I guess their horribleness saved me from finishing what I was going because by the time I was done screaming (Im sure my neighbors LOVED hearing about my AWESOME breakdown and problems) I no longer wanted to kill myself I was so mad I couldn't stand it. So I put the knife away and now have some pretty sweet scratches on my actual wrist. And I guess should stop calling them scratches I should call them cuts. Because even tho I am drawing little blood thats what they are. Cuts. Like I'm some sixteen year old girl (nothing against sixteen year old girls) but I'm going to be 32 friday I think. I don't know the days anymore. But I'm sure it's not the end of it. I threw my suicide note in the trash and I went filed a complaint with the EOOC federal office. I faxed it last night from copies and stuff. I'm doing to fill one out with the department of labor as well. They can get slapped with a 10000 fine if they find I was discriminated against if I get teh department of labor. Granted, that's not money I can get but If the EOOC finds in my favor I can get money and also I can sue them and most likely win because the EOOC is a federal agency. I doubt anything will come of it but I feel better about it.
In other news I have a phone interview Monday for some position at MET. i'm not sure why I'm even bothering because I'm prob not going to get that either but its part of the reason I'm not hospitalizing myself now. I was just gonna drive to Meadows today and not tell anyone but I don't feel like I want to kill myself anymore. I feel bad. But I feel like I don't want that yet. That I have to see what's gonna happen next week. See if I'm allowed to go back to work and if I am I may just to piss them off and I will tell Dea if she tries to talk to me just like I'm telling HR I already filed with the EOOC and The department and labor and it's best she doesn't talk to me because I'm taking legal action. The best course of action would be to have them fire me and then I could really have a case but I'm going to make sure they know they cannot fuck with me and it be okay. At least then I will have money again. And I can do A terrible job. And believe you me I will and do the least work possible . And if anyone tries to talk to me I will tell them to go fuck themselves.
My mother is coming over soon to talk to me. I'm going to show her my wrist. And really the only reason I'm even talking to her is that I need her help financially especially if I have no job. And because she owes me that. I already had one vodka and soda I'm going to go make another before she gets here whenever that is. She seemed oddly not mad at me when she called me. Too bad I'm fucking furious too and I'm going to calmly tell her whats what.I guess she can have me committed to the hospital if I show her my arm but I don't think she will because it would shatter her little world. She doesn't want me there she just doesn't want me bitching. God I still feel like crying . I'm in a terrible place between fury and being sad.
The emrys thing, I don't know if he has me blocked or is mad at me. We were fine the other day. But he has legit not been online for two days now. Which is weird for him because he is attached at the hip to his fucking computer. I am going to guess either he's found someone finally hell maybe Perna came to visit or he is with someone else because can't imagine him not being connected to the internet unless a girl was involved especially for two days. I don't think he really blocked me because I don't mean that much to him. It doesn't really matter. I just really wanted to talk to him yesterday because for once the last time he was calm with me and nice and kind. But now he can't be bothered which doesn't really surprise me. So I blocked im so I can't see whatever the fuck he is doing or hear about who he is currently fucking cause eventually he would tell me. I hope he has a horrible christmas because he is a horrible friend and person. Thats me being paranoid, angry and mean and I don't fucking care at the moment.
Thank god for Adrienne yesterday who responded to my million emails. Em I would have emailed you but I feel bad sometimes doing so because I'm an idiot and I know you are kind and wonderful and I should have emailed you but I hate sharing my crisis and utter weakness sometimes yet another person I feel like I spread poison. Adrienne is kind of immune to it, or at least she pretends to be for me. I'm not sure what I'd do without any of you. Well again off to make some fucking drinks. So I can handle all this shit happening. <3 to everyone and hugs. j