Christmas is coming quick let's have a pre christmas christmas christmas!
So Christmas is Dec 25 right? It's been a long standing tradition (unfortunately for me ) that my family (ie my mom, dad, sister and I), spend Christmas Eve (which if I'm correct is on Tuesday?) with my mother's family . Since my grandparents died my Uncle Brian has taken over Christmas Eve so everyone gets together and there is way too much food. Then the next day actual Christmas, is spent with my remaining Grandmother. This is of course after the traditional Christmas breakfast at my parents house on Christmas morning. Anyway does that sound like enough Christmas for everyone?
Right moi aussi. Well not THIS YEAR. This year there is a pre Christmas before the Christmas on Christmas eve before the Christmas breakfast before the Christmas Day today. Did that make sense? Nope didn't think so either. My aunt and uncle who EVERY YEAR come in whenever they feel like it for Christmas (never on actual Christmas) . They expect everyone to drop everything and run over and celebrate Christmas with them. This year they have chosen to come in two days before Christmas so we are celebrating Christmas two days before we are celebrating Christmas eve with much of the same food. Today there will be an addition of steaks though and on Christmas eve there will be the addition of wedding soup and shrimp to the myriad of other stuff has already been cooked. This is patently ridiculous. I am going today because I want free food and then I am leaving. I can pretty sure can get out of their in under a half hour. Also, I needed to leave my house and put real clothes on because I've been in the same pajamas for days and haven't really left my bed at all. So yes. I found a long sleeved light sweater and my doctor/excorcist crossover shirt because I feel it somehow appropriate.
In other news, I've given up on Hearthstone. I genuinely like the game but I also genuinely suck at it. I was trying to get all the cards before I played other people. Also, just like with WOW I don't like interacting with other people. I just don't I want to play games on my own. I hate people. I don't want to deal with random internet strangers. I know this was super important to you all but there it is. I think I'm going to try to not do anything and not feel bad about it this week because this may be my last week off. I don't know how I'm going to get through going back to work Then again I don't know if I have a job so I have to talk to HR next week anyway. My job interview with that dude is tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. It's just going to be someone a waste of my time and his. My mom keeps telling me to try for the job at Met Life but really I'm not sure I really want to get back into that. The idea of quitting my job and going on welfare is extremely appealing right now. I'm not sure if I'm okay enough to work.
Speaking of not okay enough to work. I googled Sedgewick, which I should have before and they are KNOWN for denying people with actual disabilities. They do the same things to other people that they did to me. Ie make them jump through hoops, push back deadlines and the refuse valid medical information. One law firm I looked at, and of course there are no offices here in PA, actually posted on Youtube about a woman who had a cervical spine injury and torn rotary cuff, Well, Sedgewick had one of their own doctors look at this lady after jerking her around for months, and they actually found that the doctors report said that the lady couldn't work. Sedgewick denied the claim. There are stories like this EVERYWHERE. Companies hire these people to deny benefits to people even if they need them. Which explains why even though I'm bipolar, hypersomniac, suicidal,and self harming on a fairly regularly basis they denied me. It wasn't my doctors info..Hell Shawna sent them notes, And not ONCE did anyone I spoke t at anytime (like the sixty times I called) told me they needed more info yet somehow I as supposed to know that my doctors didn't get back to them. I hope that bitch caseworker I have rots in hell. And I am going to make it my personal mission to out her name publicly (as many people have done with their co workers) . So when people google that stupid bitches name at least they know what kind of horrible asshole bitchface cunt she s. Sorry. but she deserves it. The name calling and putting her name out there. Karmaa is a bitch and sometimes someone she needs something from or someone or when that company fires her eventually at least I will know I've put that out there. Just like I know at least I'm trying to get justice from UHC (even though I'm sure it won't help) and if the department of labor finds they discriminated 10000 fine. I don't think dom's or the company is going to take that too fucking well. Hope it doesn't get anyone fired.
I'm done chasing Emrys. I've said this before but he is not interested. He is not going to get interested. And as I said the only times he's EVER not been connected at the hip to his computer is a girl is involved. Which is fine I wish him luck. But I horrible enough about myself without constantly feeling rejected by him romantically. IE I'm going to die alone and never meet anyone when I'm fucking right here and trying to be supportive and caring to him. He doesn't want that or me. And I have to accept it and focus on something else. My feelings don't matter to him. And thats okay but I'm not doing anything to contact him anymore. If he were to show up here I'd gladly talk to him or if someday he decides that I actually matter in someway and wants to seek me out fine. But for now he is blocked from my facebook, I have removed myself from battelnet so I can't chat with him there and I have unistalled IM. I will prob re install Im but not until I am sure I'm not going to be disappointed if he is not online. I mean not that he ever initiated conversations with me. And I suppose its not his fault he's not attracted to me. But come one man we talk for hours sometimes. You don't feel anything for me? Not even friendship and sympathy? Cause for everyone time he is nice about it there are then times he ignores me. Which is fine. Again. New Years resolution make myself Emrys free (crush wise) or at least remove myself from that situation- I mean I know he knows I like him and he doesn't care. Which makes me feel shitty. But whatever is what it is. I should know by now that he doesn't care. He won't even come visit us. even with the enticement of Adrienne he won't. So that's cool. Hurtful but again nothing I haven't heard time and again. And now I don't have to hear him whine about how he's single or hear about who he's fucking because I couldn't handle that right now on top of everything else. Broken record here I know but I do mean it this time.
If I want to find some boy to make me feel miserable and rejected I'm sure I can find someone else fairly easily. Also dating /relationships are the last thing I need. I must say I am with Em here int hat I miss cuddling and hugging and all that stupid quote unquote girl shit and yeah I miss sex. I think those things would make me feel tremendously better but I don't have that luxury. so it is what it is.
I turn 32 Friday I think. It kind of makes me want to kill myself. I'm just gonna get really wasted. Like puking drunk. And hope i don't get too suicidal. Still single (and by saying that I mean still haven't found a man who like me and is not any old person) I am still fat despite my awesome diet and I really have been eating fruit constantly for snacks. I've been eating one meal a day that's like a regurlar meal. I haven't had fast food in weeks. I'm trying to do things right and as always nothing is happening. I may or may not have a job. I have one friend in town and a family that drives me a up a fucking wall. I'm still living in Johnstown. And I feel awful but hey c'est la vie.
Christ I'm watching a law and order Marathon again. Ian someherholder was just on. Pretty man. Although he was totally gross rapist spree killer. But I do like looking at him. Why is law and order determined to make me feel icky about thinking super hot men they chose for criminals are hot?!
I'm supposed to be going to DC with my aunt. I really don't want to go now. But I think I'm kind of stuck. :( It might be good to get the fuck out fo this town for awhile.
Anyway this was long, <3 and hugs, jacqueline old mess of a lady.
Right moi aussi. Well not THIS YEAR. This year there is a pre Christmas before the Christmas on Christmas eve before the Christmas breakfast before the Christmas Day today. Did that make sense? Nope didn't think so either. My aunt and uncle who EVERY YEAR come in whenever they feel like it for Christmas (never on actual Christmas) . They expect everyone to drop everything and run over and celebrate Christmas with them. This year they have chosen to come in two days before Christmas so we are celebrating Christmas two days before we are celebrating Christmas eve with much of the same food. Today there will be an addition of steaks though and on Christmas eve there will be the addition of wedding soup and shrimp to the myriad of other stuff has already been cooked. This is patently ridiculous. I am going today because I want free food and then I am leaving. I can pretty sure can get out of their in under a half hour. Also, I needed to leave my house and put real clothes on because I've been in the same pajamas for days and haven't really left my bed at all. So yes. I found a long sleeved light sweater and my doctor/excorcist crossover shirt because I feel it somehow appropriate.
In other news, I've given up on Hearthstone. I genuinely like the game but I also genuinely suck at it. I was trying to get all the cards before I played other people. Also, just like with WOW I don't like interacting with other people. I just don't I want to play games on my own. I hate people. I don't want to deal with random internet strangers. I know this was super important to you all but there it is. I think I'm going to try to not do anything and not feel bad about it this week because this may be my last week off. I don't know how I'm going to get through going back to work Then again I don't know if I have a job so I have to talk to HR next week anyway. My job interview with that dude is tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. It's just going to be someone a waste of my time and his. My mom keeps telling me to try for the job at Met Life but really I'm not sure I really want to get back into that. The idea of quitting my job and going on welfare is extremely appealing right now. I'm not sure if I'm okay enough to work.
Speaking of not okay enough to work. I googled Sedgewick, which I should have before and they are KNOWN for denying people with actual disabilities. They do the same things to other people that they did to me. Ie make them jump through hoops, push back deadlines and the refuse valid medical information. One law firm I looked at, and of course there are no offices here in PA, actually posted on Youtube about a woman who had a cervical spine injury and torn rotary cuff, Well, Sedgewick had one of their own doctors look at this lady after jerking her around for months, and they actually found that the doctors report said that the lady couldn't work. Sedgewick denied the claim. There are stories like this EVERYWHERE. Companies hire these people to deny benefits to people even if they need them. Which explains why even though I'm bipolar, hypersomniac, suicidal,and self harming on a fairly regularly basis they denied me. It wasn't my doctors info..Hell Shawna sent them notes, And not ONCE did anyone I spoke t at anytime (like the sixty times I called) told me they needed more info yet somehow I as supposed to know that my doctors didn't get back to them. I hope that bitch caseworker I have rots in hell. And I am going to make it my personal mission to out her name publicly (as many people have done with their co workers) . So when people google that stupid bitches name at least they know what kind of horrible asshole bitchface cunt she s. Sorry. but she deserves it. The name calling and putting her name out there. Karmaa is a bitch and sometimes someone she needs something from or someone or when that company fires her eventually at least I will know I've put that out there. Just like I know at least I'm trying to get justice from UHC (even though I'm sure it won't help) and if the department of labor finds they discriminated 10000 fine. I don't think dom's or the company is going to take that too fucking well. Hope it doesn't get anyone fired.
I'm done chasing Emrys. I've said this before but he is not interested. He is not going to get interested. And as I said the only times he's EVER not been connected at the hip to his computer is a girl is involved. Which is fine I wish him luck. But I horrible enough about myself without constantly feeling rejected by him romantically. IE I'm going to die alone and never meet anyone when I'm fucking right here and trying to be supportive and caring to him. He doesn't want that or me. And I have to accept it and focus on something else. My feelings don't matter to him. And thats okay but I'm not doing anything to contact him anymore. If he were to show up here I'd gladly talk to him or if someday he decides that I actually matter in someway and wants to seek me out fine. But for now he is blocked from my facebook, I have removed myself from battelnet so I can't chat with him there and I have unistalled IM. I will prob re install Im but not until I am sure I'm not going to be disappointed if he is not online. I mean not that he ever initiated conversations with me. And I suppose its not his fault he's not attracted to me. But come one man we talk for hours sometimes. You don't feel anything for me? Not even friendship and sympathy? Cause for everyone time he is nice about it there are then times he ignores me. Which is fine. Again. New Years resolution make myself Emrys free (crush wise) or at least remove myself from that situation- I mean I know he knows I like him and he doesn't care. Which makes me feel shitty. But whatever is what it is. I should know by now that he doesn't care. He won't even come visit us. even with the enticement of Adrienne he won't. So that's cool. Hurtful but again nothing I haven't heard time and again. And now I don't have to hear him whine about how he's single or hear about who he's fucking because I couldn't handle that right now on top of everything else. Broken record here I know but I do mean it this time.
If I want to find some boy to make me feel miserable and rejected I'm sure I can find someone else fairly easily. Also dating /relationships are the last thing I need. I must say I am with Em here int hat I miss cuddling and hugging and all that stupid quote unquote girl shit and yeah I miss sex. I think those things would make me feel tremendously better but I don't have that luxury. so it is what it is.
I turn 32 Friday I think. It kind of makes me want to kill myself. I'm just gonna get really wasted. Like puking drunk. And hope i don't get too suicidal. Still single (and by saying that I mean still haven't found a man who like me and is not any old person) I am still fat despite my awesome diet and I really have been eating fruit constantly for snacks. I've been eating one meal a day that's like a regurlar meal. I haven't had fast food in weeks. I'm trying to do things right and as always nothing is happening. I may or may not have a job. I have one friend in town and a family that drives me a up a fucking wall. I'm still living in Johnstown. And I feel awful but hey c'est la vie.
Christ I'm watching a law and order Marathon again. Ian someherholder was just on. Pretty man. Although he was totally gross rapist spree killer. But I do like looking at him. Why is law and order determined to make me feel icky about thinking super hot men they chose for criminals are hot?!
I'm supposed to be going to DC with my aunt. I really don't want to go now. But I think I'm kind of stuck. :( It might be good to get the fuck out fo this town for awhile.
Anyway this was long, <3 and hugs, jacqueline old mess of a lady.