a lifetime of fucking things up fixed in one determined flash
i don't have anything new to report. i just can't sleep at all.
basically the thought just struck me that when I do eventually and as we all know everything is eventual, choose to end my own life that it won't be my mother that finds me, or my friends, or even relatives or neighbors who know me. It will probably by my asshole landlord. this comforted me somehow because it seems fitting that no one else should know I'm dead til long after the fact.
the lingering thoughts of taking my own life has consumed me lately. None of my life options seem like good options. I actually don't want this new job. I'm not saying that because I know I most likely have not gotten at this point but because I am certain i will be unable to muster any enthusiasm to starting another soul sucking job at a company that I hate only slightly less than UHC. I'm trading one prison for another. This prison requires me to wear nice clothes at least two days of the week and will be essentially as mind numbing and soul sucking as the other.
the other options are getting short term disabilites. which I don't want anything from Uhc. Which means more of sitting in my apartment I have legitimately not left me bed except to get food and go the the bathroom. And today something broke in me and I realized I didn't even care if i left this bed again. I don't want to talk to anyone or talk it out with anyone or try anymore. The only reason I'm still taking my pills is because of the high I get when I mix them wiht alcohol. That sadly, is waning a bit. I may take another pill in a few moments just to see what happens. Prob nothing. My body is getting used to them sadly and the alcohol is having less of an effect. It says that drinking with neurotin could lead to things like confusion and memory loss and im like sign me up baby. Its funny, not haha funny, but funny to me how one person like Heath Ledger can take so little pills but they are just the right combination of them to kill him in his sleep peacefully while the rest of us can shovel them in like candies and add alcohol and nothing fucking happens. its a fucking shame neurotin and klonopin have such high levels to overdose on (that I'm not even prescribed enough) I'd have to save enough for like a year. maybe they will give me something potentially dangerous next time round.
side note they offered house gabatentimine ie neurotin on a re run i caught the other day in lieu of Vicodin which he rightfully refused.
My mother asked me what I wanted yesterday. after she was furious with me because I said I wanted to kill myself. Because everything is all about fucking her. And I said nothing with real conviction because there is not one single scenario in which i can imagine changing anything. i would legitimatally like to see new orleans once more before i die but i dont have the money to do that so thats probably not going to happen.
o and there it is. didn't need the extra pill after all just more alcohol and a little more patience. that floaty feeling. much nicer than being drunk. makes me want to kill myself less if only i could feel high all the time. see the beginnings of an addict. no one offers me illegal drugs here tho so really. yeah. i wish i had mushrooms i always had such positive experiences on them such a brain reset. some drugs should be legal.. and frankly if u are in as much pain as im in if you want to get recreational every day til it kills you it should be an option. then again so should assisted suicide but i digress. not that i had a point.
im listening to nine inch nails. i cant get into hesitation marks it feels so played. im sure if i was in the right mood it would obsess me but honestly nothing compares to some downward spiral or even the spiral and for me with teeth cause that was the summer i believe before katrina and there were some fun songs on there. fun for nine inch nails. i love people who think they've suddenly discovered something because they went to one concert and like the one new record because they are so fucking awesome.
Speaking of i imed him late the other night and told him I was really fucking depressed and he responded that he was playing video games and thinking of going to bed early. not are you okay? or whats up? fucking douchebag. why do such awful people always enter my life and then i feel like i need to adopt them in some way. then im suprised that aforementioned awful people make me feel awful about myself. i think its because i don't think i deserve better than pain. thanks mom. thanks dad.
maybe i don't. maybe im addicted to the pain. maybe thats why i cant get better. why I won't get better. I'm okay with that. I feel so bad that accepting being in pain right now and liking it as close to piece as I can get. I still actually haven't cut myself and that might make for a fun evening experience. i keep waiting for my arm to heal up more so i can make some more pretty marks. Shawna told me that everyone who self harms has told her its actually pointless and they dont even know why they do it. I know exactly why I do it because I hate myself so much it's what I deserve. I hate this body Im tethered to. I wish i had the courage to do what should have been done months or years ago and I cannot. There is still fear and I wish I could figure out what because I actually have not one but two pretty good plans. executing them should not be bad. Painful potentially. but not bad.
im going to go check my facebook and post a bunch of pointless photos. maybe try and find something besides nine inch nails to listen to.
"you might say its self indulgence
And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be happy"
basically the thought just struck me that when I do eventually and as we all know everything is eventual, choose to end my own life that it won't be my mother that finds me, or my friends, or even relatives or neighbors who know me. It will probably by my asshole landlord. this comforted me somehow because it seems fitting that no one else should know I'm dead til long after the fact.
the lingering thoughts of taking my own life has consumed me lately. None of my life options seem like good options. I actually don't want this new job. I'm not saying that because I know I most likely have not gotten at this point but because I am certain i will be unable to muster any enthusiasm to starting another soul sucking job at a company that I hate only slightly less than UHC. I'm trading one prison for another. This prison requires me to wear nice clothes at least two days of the week and will be essentially as mind numbing and soul sucking as the other.
the other options are getting short term disabilites. which I don't want anything from Uhc. Which means more of sitting in my apartment I have legitimately not left me bed except to get food and go the the bathroom. And today something broke in me and I realized I didn't even care if i left this bed again. I don't want to talk to anyone or talk it out with anyone or try anymore. The only reason I'm still taking my pills is because of the high I get when I mix them wiht alcohol. That sadly, is waning a bit. I may take another pill in a few moments just to see what happens. Prob nothing. My body is getting used to them sadly and the alcohol is having less of an effect. It says that drinking with neurotin could lead to things like confusion and memory loss and im like sign me up baby. Its funny, not haha funny, but funny to me how one person like Heath Ledger can take so little pills but they are just the right combination of them to kill him in his sleep peacefully while the rest of us can shovel them in like candies and add alcohol and nothing fucking happens. its a fucking shame neurotin and klonopin have such high levels to overdose on (that I'm not even prescribed enough) I'd have to save enough for like a year. maybe they will give me something potentially dangerous next time round.
side note they offered house gabatentimine ie neurotin on a re run i caught the other day in lieu of Vicodin which he rightfully refused.
My mother asked me what I wanted yesterday. after she was furious with me because I said I wanted to kill myself. Because everything is all about fucking her. And I said nothing with real conviction because there is not one single scenario in which i can imagine changing anything. i would legitimatally like to see new orleans once more before i die but i dont have the money to do that so thats probably not going to happen.
o and there it is. didn't need the extra pill after all just more alcohol and a little more patience. that floaty feeling. much nicer than being drunk. makes me want to kill myself less if only i could feel high all the time. see the beginnings of an addict. no one offers me illegal drugs here tho so really. yeah. i wish i had mushrooms i always had such positive experiences on them such a brain reset. some drugs should be legal.. and frankly if u are in as much pain as im in if you want to get recreational every day til it kills you it should be an option. then again so should assisted suicide but i digress. not that i had a point.
im listening to nine inch nails. i cant get into hesitation marks it feels so played. im sure if i was in the right mood it would obsess me but honestly nothing compares to some downward spiral or even the spiral and for me with teeth cause that was the summer i believe before katrina and there were some fun songs on there. fun for nine inch nails. i love people who think they've suddenly discovered something because they went to one concert and like the one new record because they are so fucking awesome.
Speaking of i imed him late the other night and told him I was really fucking depressed and he responded that he was playing video games and thinking of going to bed early. not are you okay? or whats up? fucking douchebag. why do such awful people always enter my life and then i feel like i need to adopt them in some way. then im suprised that aforementioned awful people make me feel awful about myself. i think its because i don't think i deserve better than pain. thanks mom. thanks dad.
maybe i don't. maybe im addicted to the pain. maybe thats why i cant get better. why I won't get better. I'm okay with that. I feel so bad that accepting being in pain right now and liking it as close to piece as I can get. I still actually haven't cut myself and that might make for a fun evening experience. i keep waiting for my arm to heal up more so i can make some more pretty marks. Shawna told me that everyone who self harms has told her its actually pointless and they dont even know why they do it. I know exactly why I do it because I hate myself so much it's what I deserve. I hate this body Im tethered to. I wish i had the courage to do what should have been done months or years ago and I cannot. There is still fear and I wish I could figure out what because I actually have not one but two pretty good plans. executing them should not be bad. Painful potentially. but not bad.
im going to go check my facebook and post a bunch of pointless photos. maybe try and find something besides nine inch nails to listen to.
"you might say its self indulgence
And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be happy"