how my life has completely changed directions...again...
i was just up waiting around for evan to get hungry again (he only ate 2 ozs at 2 am, and was asleep right after that, but won't wake up to eat anymore...), so i thought i'd vent a little about my shitty day and how my life has completely changed directions.
today wasn't all bad...i had a great check-up at the doc for my wound...it's healing nicely, they didn't give me a timeline, but it'll heal before the nurse who comes here runs out of visits. my only complaint is that my stomach smells like a dirty, wet, mangy dog when it's not bandaged. mmm...have a good breakfast. ;) also, evan had a weight check at his doc's office and they wanted him to just get back to birth weight (which was 6 lbs 14 ozs since he had lost 4 ozs), but he's now 7 pounds 5 ozs...heh heh. he definitely ate the shit out of every bottle the past four days, and gained those 11 ounces nicely. everyone was impressed, and i'm happy because that means he doesn't have a thyroid or eating problem.
so the shitty part of my day...here goes. mrs. lawley and i stopped at a flea market and i found a perfect sized picture frame for a picture of evan to give to my dad. since we were over in gardendale and were going to morris to get my wic stuff anyway, we decided to stop by the house. i called first and dad had a huge attitude about being asleep even though elaine said he wasn't when she answered the phone, so that upset me because i told him i wanted to bring him a little present and he didn't seem to care too much...he was more interested in telling me not to come and making sure mrs. lawley absolutely did not come in if we came anyway. he finally just said to come on, but he'd be in bed sleeping, which is understandable because he needs it.
so i get there, and go inside to get elaine because we had some stuff we needed to drop off we're not using here...she helped with the boxes, but left the door wide open, which begged the quesiton, "della's not here anymore, is she?" (della was the awesome puppy i saved who i got INCREDIBLY attached to). i got a sad no. apparently dad just put her out and hopefully a nicer person has found her...that's the only way i can think about it without sobbing since i was trying really fucking hard to find her a GOOD home. not some white trash home in fucking brookside...i definitely cried a good bit over that because she really needed some special care for her mange and other issues. my grandmother had already promised to help me pay for her treatments...
anyway, i walk in the house and, lo and behold, it's the exact same as i left it as far as being "clean" is concerned. i've been gone an entire month now. dad has been lying through his fucking teeth about cleaning and straightening up and preparing for his grandson to come home, etc. also he's been telling me they don't smoke in the house anymore...false. so i just go about my business grabbing the stuff i came to get (we're cleaning the pack and play and washing other things that are nasty from the smoke and just general mustiness of that old house). i also got some warmish clothes and my favorite blanket. yay.
here's a funny thing (can you feel the sarcasm?)...i noticed when mrs. lawley and i pulled up that the trucks were parked incredibly close to the back door with a cord going from the blue one's battery through the back door...apparently the power's been out for a good while now and they're watching TV and keeping the phone on by using the batteries from the trucks. there's no food at that house AT ALL. i don't know what they've been spending their money on, but it's nothing good, i can guarantee that. i'm pretty sure since elaine's been losing weight quick and dad's been telling me he's getting laid, he's buying crack for her again. i didn't know he was doing that for her until i got in his car to come back to alabama from athens last april, or i would have found other living arrangements, but it was too late at that point. and i've never been around it, so to each his own, i guess. she quit for a while, but i guess she's back on it since i'm gone and they're finally alone. it would definitely explain their giddiness when they came to visit last saturday...they weren't that excited the last time they visited the baby.
evan needed a diaper change, so mrs. lawley wanted to come in to change him instead of doing it in the car awkwardly, and she was absolutely appalled at the condition of the house, especially since dad and elaine came over here two nights ago to eat dinner and dad lied to the lawley's about how they've been "working on" the house. absolutely nothing's been done. if anything, it's horribly worse.
i absolutely broke down in the car when we left. i can't take evan back there, and it was incredibly painful to realize that i can never go back "home" again. i feel more at home here than i have anywhere else in such a long time anyway, but it's the principle of the thing...also, DHR would NEVER accept the conditions there with a newborn if anyone happened to call them, provided i was that much of an idiot to go back. of course i'm not going to accept this bullshit, and neither are the lawleys. mrs. lawley and i tried to discuss different options, but i was pretty upset, so all i could think about was how much i'd fucked everything up in my life and that's why it is the way it is right now.
there are a few options so far...one my grandfather was asking about involved living with billy somewhere, but i don't know how he'd feel about that...we've planned a serious discussion for tomorrow evening before we involve parents and such. another option is welfare housing. another option is living here for a while, get on welfare, do the JOBS program, get a decent job while receiving benefits, then get weened off welfare. food stamps are a given at this point.
my heart just hurts because instead of telling me he doesn't want me to come back, he's showing me...that's pretty low...indeed he did tell me not to come, but it doesn't matter either way. there's NO WAY i can or would take my baby back to that house. it is so awful...mice, roaches, no power or water, drugs...god damn it all.
