A Sea Within A Dark Blue Balloon
I'm still really... down. It's not getting better. I guess it didn't help that I logged into the LJ I used during the beginning of my breakdown yesterday. Back from 2008 - 2009. A long time ago - lightyears away. I understand that many of those relationships ended not just because of my breakdown, but by how much certain people changed (or how they showed their true colours), and how much I changed. How much I withdrew.
In spite of all this pain - this incredible sea of sadness... I don't want to shy away from loving anyone ever again. I don't want to be anything but myself from now on. I want to have many beautiful dreams, and I want to give people as much hope as possible. I want to be a child psychologist, so I can protect children and help teenagers through their problems so that they don't turn out like me, and also so that they can unite the dark and light within them - accept the dark and light within them - so they can be strong. I want to write again, not just for the sake of writing, but so that maybe someone will not make the same mistakes that I did. That I will.
This pain isn't letting up, and I am scared for myself. I am scared. I feel... fragmented inside. Like I have all the pieces, but I can't put them together.
I also feel like there is a dark blue balloon inside of my chest that is filled with water. Every time I feel pain, it grows and swells. It's hard to describe beyond that.
I don't really know what else to say.