Nightmares
I've been doing everything I can to keep myself from sleeping. When I was on the respiridone in early 2010, I got to sleep easily and I suffered in every dream (though I never spoke about it). Before that med, I was in Hell. I didn't sleep. I did everything I could to avoid it. But then they decided that I'm not bipolar and took me off the meds, which made me go back to not wanting to sleep. And then this year they put me on that sleeping pill that screwed with my blood pressure, so they took me off it. And now I'm back to not sleeping.
I just thought I should write somewhere that my nightmares are back. I haven't had them in a few months - I've just been having these absolutely dreamless sleeps. But in the last few weeks, they've come back. I guess they aren't really nightmares, though, right? Flashbacks in dream-form. Observing the events of three years and seeing, each time, a new way that you could have changed things, done something differently. Being powerless as you watch the events unfold again. Just as powerless as before. And just as alone. Maybe more. You remember different, new things that you tried so hard to forget because they were just too painful. You relive the exact emotions. You wake up every morning with more regret and self-loathing and hopelessness and fragility.
And these aren't even the flashbacks you get during the day.
But you put on a smile, just like every day, and you walk outside, and you try to be happy around your friends because you never want them to feel like their mere presence and existence doesn't cheer you up, and you try to be happy around other people because you still want to make new friends and change more lives and be changed by more people as you always have.
And besides, no one would listen anyway. No one will trust you when you tell them about your PTSD. Doesn't matter that you've been diagnosed by more than one doctor. Doesn't matter that you have all the symptoms. It's just too unlikely. Or you're a liar. Or you're looking for attention. Etc. I've heard it all.
I feel like I'm under constant attack.
I just thought I should write somewhere that my nightmares are back. I haven't had them in a few months - I've just been having these absolutely dreamless sleeps. But in the last few weeks, they've come back. I guess they aren't really nightmares, though, right? Flashbacks in dream-form. Observing the events of three years and seeing, each time, a new way that you could have changed things, done something differently. Being powerless as you watch the events unfold again. Just as powerless as before. And just as alone. Maybe more. You remember different, new things that you tried so hard to forget because they were just too painful. You relive the exact emotions. You wake up every morning with more regret and self-loathing and hopelessness and fragility.
And these aren't even the flashbacks you get during the day.
But you put on a smile, just like every day, and you walk outside, and you try to be happy around your friends because you never want them to feel like their mere presence and existence doesn't cheer you up, and you try to be happy around other people because you still want to make new friends and change more lives and be changed by more people as you always have.
And besides, no one would listen anyway. No one will trust you when you tell them about your PTSD. Doesn't matter that you've been diagnosed by more than one doctor. Doesn't matter that you have all the symptoms. It's just too unlikely. Or you're a liar. Or you're looking for attention. Etc. I've heard it all.
I feel like I'm under constant attack.