Another Love Rant
You ruined my life you know. It's over now. All of my dreams... they were the only things that kept me alive, for so long. Dreams that I'd find real happiness at my new school, which I now have to leave because the memories hurt me too much. Dreams that I'd find my soulmate one day and that he would love me and would NEVER cheat on me - which you did anyway. Dreams that I'd be able to show you the workings of my relationships with my friends, that I could give you the whole wide world... and you won't even... GOD, how can you do this to me?!?! It doesn't make me a liar if I'm a good writer - does that mean that everything you ever wrote about me was a lie? Does that make your MSN conversations with me and her a lie? If that's true, then our entire relationship - the entire relationship you had with HER for so long - was all a lie, too
Did you know thjat the reason that I got off of my mood stabilizers wasn't because of the hallucinations and delusions? BNecause those, I could handle - or at least live with. The reason I got off of the mood stabilizers was because of the numbing effect they had on my emotions - and I wanted to show you that I cared about you by crying for you, befcause you didn't believe me otherwise.
I don't get that kind of joy. I don't get any joy at all. I just get tattered dreams and a broken heart, and that is all I will have forever. That's all I will EVER have. And there are so many things I want to talk to you about, to ask yiu about, aand I can't. I wake up every morning, and durin the night, in tears, in hysterics, because I'm so scared that you'll never be here again. But that's not what you want, is it? You want me to have faith that you'll come back. So I do. And every day, I feel let down. Did you know that ever since I was a kid, every single time I have felt sure about something - a relationship, a friendship, a right answer in class - I have always ended up being wrong? Did you know that I don't feel like I can have faith in anything because o fthat? You have no idea how hard it is for me to have faith in anything at all; you have no idea how hard it is for me to be confident. This is difficult for me. This hurts me. This is destroying me.
All of my dreams are gone. I'll never be a wife, and I'll never have kids. My life is over. My life is completely over. I lost my soulmate. My life is gone.
Did you know thjat the reason that I got off of my mood stabilizers wasn't because of the hallucinations and delusions? BNecause those, I could handle - or at least live with. The reason I got off of the mood stabilizers was because of the numbing effect they had on my emotions - and I wanted to show you that I cared about you by crying for you, befcause you didn't believe me otherwise.
I don't get that kind of joy. I don't get any joy at all. I just get tattered dreams and a broken heart, and that is all I will have forever. That's all I will EVER have. And there are so many things I want to talk to you about, to ask yiu about, aand I can't. I wake up every morning, and durin the night, in tears, in hysterics, because I'm so scared that you'll never be here again. But that's not what you want, is it? You want me to have faith that you'll come back. So I do. And every day, I feel let down. Did you know that ever since I was a kid, every single time I have felt sure about something - a relationship, a friendship, a right answer in class - I have always ended up being wrong? Did you know that I don't feel like I can have faith in anything because o fthat? You have no idea how hard it is for me to have faith in anything at all; you have no idea how hard it is for me to be confident. This is difficult for me. This hurts me. This is destroying me.
All of my dreams are gone. I'll never be a wife, and I'll never have kids. My life is over. My life is completely over. I lost my soulmate. My life is gone.