A Bit Of Self-Reflection...
Well, today is another post that's a bit pessimistic... but not really pessimistic, more like... contemplative on a slightly downer level? Or just contemplative on an Amanda-study level. So, as usual, don’t read if you don’t care, don’t read if you don’t wanna read. If you do and you don’t like it, it’s your own fault for reading it.
In my lifetime, I’ve gone through several “personality upgrades”. I’ve been sweet and gentle but sad and anxious, I’ve been fiery and strong but domineering and sad… okay, actually, I’ve only ever been those two things to varying extremes, on second thought XD With mixes in between, to vary the extremes.
Anyway, the point I’m getting at is that it’s natural for personalities to change, but mine changes a lot, and my choices along with it. I’ve never understood why, and have always just accepted it as a part of me - and thought that if you can’t stick it out, then you don’t belong in my life. (That’s one of the ways my mindset has always been, one of the few constants.) But I think I’m starting to get it a little more.
I think my personality is strongly effected by strong emotions. First off, anxiety - if I’m overwhelmingly anxious, I revert into the “sweet and gentle” personality (we’ll just call it Type A). Secondly, of course anger, which takes me into the “fiery and strong” personality (Type B). There are a few emotions that don’t change my personality at all, and are just emotions - including sadness and curiosity. Boredom just makes me apathetic. Hope makes me hopeful. Loneliness makes me lonely. Etc.
Some of the ones that change my emotions include affection / love (which turns me into the negative side of Type B, mainly because - as I’ve recently realized - I have a strong fear of intimacy and rejection, which I should probably write a post about too - to sort out my thoughts on it). Shock also goes into the negative side of Type B. Happiness makes me the positive side of Type B. Worry makes me Type A. Awe is positive Type A. Fear is Type A. Etc.
The biggest one to change me, though, is guilt. I mean, I've always known that I take guilt to an extreme? But I never really fathomed that if I feel guilty about something I have done, I end up changing my entire personality because of it. Because "this Amanda" hypothetically turned the tables or something, and she’s a horrible person. "This Amanda" is no good, let's throw her out and get a new model!
Basically, it’s a self-esteem thing. I’m incapable of ever feeling really comfortable with myself to start with, and then I do something to screw up, and end up feeling an immense amount of guilt because of my low self-esteem (even if I’ve really done nothing wrong, and am just perceiving the situation as all my fault)… and I feel like I need to change myself entirely after that. Because I don’t feel comfortable being a girl who screws up. I don’t feel comfortable with making mistakes. Or accepting them.
The weird thing is that this mindset also shows up again with how I feel emotions. I’m not talking about emotions that come from my own thoughts and from inside of me, like thinking about a broken heart, but emotions that come from the things surrounding me - like a jerk guy or a funny line (sad people don’t count, I always, always feel at least empathy in those situations). When I’m at home, I’m able to feel anything - I find that I am deeply affected by things, and (while it can get very overwhelming), I don’t usually repress anything - especially not my anger. But once I leave the house… I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or what, but I emotionally shut down. I go on repeat mode. I do and say the same things over and over again. I don’t feel angry at things that would normally make me angry, I don’t feel happy about anything, I don’t feel anything. It takes an emotion so extreme that it overwhelms me to break through that barrier that I’ve set up around myself and the outside world. Quite frankly, the only time in the last few years alone that I’ve felt anything outside of the house? Yeah, those were times that I was having an emotional break-down, or some other unhealthy thing. I just completely shut down when I go out of the house. And, again, I think it has to do with my anxiety, and not feeling comfortable with myself - not feeling comfortable with my own emotions, and even feeling guilty about having them.
So what have I learned through this? Because of my insecurity, I second guess myself constantly. I second guess my emotions, and my very being. And the disturbing part of this (for me, at least) is that I’ve felt like this for my entire life, so I’ve never had a true chance to cultivate my personality on the outside, or even really get to know myself on the inside. Because the more I go between personalities, the more my choices, actions and interests change. I know my emotions damn well, but I do not know my actual personality - my natural state of being, outside of my self-defence mechanisms. This is a problem. It’s probably unhealthy. I don’t like it.
But the question is, how am I ever going to get the confidence to be myself? I live off of projecting fronts, I’ve found, even though I prefer straight-forwardness. My positivity? It’s a front - I think about the positives to avoid thinking about the negatives (and during emotional break-down territory, this becomes a huge part of my break-down) to the point that I will outright unhealthily forget the negatives entirely in order to survive them.
What are real “Amanda” traits? What are the things that stay true, inside and out?
Well, I’m empathetic - to the point that I can generally sense and partially understand the emotions of other people, and often react the way that those around me are reacting because I can no longer sense my own feelings (I.E. Everyone’s laughing at a joke that I don’t find funny, and I just start laughing too. If I enter a room where everyone is bored, I will automatically become bored as well). I’m scared, obviously. I’m pretty freakin’ whimsical. I’m defensive. I have a need to be independent, to not depend on anyone (probably another insecurity thing, and connected to the intimacy-fear). I’m not comfortable with being the center of attention all the time, but sometimes I don’t mind it ;o) I’m selfish. I can be very excessive, again because of my insecurities.
Empathetic, scared, whimsical, independent, defensive, selfish, excessive. That’s the best I can come up with right now. Maybe I’ll go take a shower and keep thinking about it (nowadays, I have the energy to wake up in the morning). Hold on a minute. I’ll be back.
Okay, I didn’t think of anything else. Maybe this is an off-day. Whatever. I don’t really like how most of the things I came up with were negative (god, MORE self-esteem issues), but that’s all I’ve got for now.
In my lifetime, I’ve gone through several “personality upgrades”. I’ve been sweet and gentle but sad and anxious, I’ve been fiery and strong but domineering and sad… okay, actually, I’ve only ever been those two things to varying extremes, on second thought XD With mixes in between, to vary the extremes.
Anyway, the point I’m getting at is that it’s natural for personalities to change, but mine changes a lot, and my choices along with it. I’ve never understood why, and have always just accepted it as a part of me - and thought that if you can’t stick it out, then you don’t belong in my life. (That’s one of the ways my mindset has always been, one of the few constants.) But I think I’m starting to get it a little more.
I think my personality is strongly effected by strong emotions. First off, anxiety - if I’m overwhelmingly anxious, I revert into the “sweet and gentle” personality (we’ll just call it Type A). Secondly, of course anger, which takes me into the “fiery and strong” personality (Type B). There are a few emotions that don’t change my personality at all, and are just emotions - including sadness and curiosity. Boredom just makes me apathetic. Hope makes me hopeful. Loneliness makes me lonely. Etc.
Some of the ones that change my emotions include affection / love (which turns me into the negative side of Type B, mainly because - as I’ve recently realized - I have a strong fear of intimacy and rejection, which I should probably write a post about too - to sort out my thoughts on it). Shock also goes into the negative side of Type B. Happiness makes me the positive side of Type B. Worry makes me Type A. Awe is positive Type A. Fear is Type A. Etc.
The biggest one to change me, though, is guilt. I mean, I've always known that I take guilt to an extreme? But I never really fathomed that if I feel guilty about something I have done, I end up changing my entire personality because of it. Because "this Amanda" hypothetically turned the tables or something, and she’s a horrible person. "This Amanda" is no good, let's throw her out and get a new model!
Basically, it’s a self-esteem thing. I’m incapable of ever feeling really comfortable with myself to start with, and then I do something to screw up, and end up feeling an immense amount of guilt because of my low self-esteem (even if I’ve really done nothing wrong, and am just perceiving the situation as all my fault)… and I feel like I need to change myself entirely after that. Because I don’t feel comfortable being a girl who screws up. I don’t feel comfortable with making mistakes. Or accepting them.
The weird thing is that this mindset also shows up again with how I feel emotions. I’m not talking about emotions that come from my own thoughts and from inside of me, like thinking about a broken heart, but emotions that come from the things surrounding me - like a jerk guy or a funny line (sad people don’t count, I always, always feel at least empathy in those situations). When I’m at home, I’m able to feel anything - I find that I am deeply affected by things, and (while it can get very overwhelming), I don’t usually repress anything - especially not my anger. But once I leave the house… I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or what, but I emotionally shut down. I go on repeat mode. I do and say the same things over and over again. I don’t feel angry at things that would normally make me angry, I don’t feel happy about anything, I don’t feel anything. It takes an emotion so extreme that it overwhelms me to break through that barrier that I’ve set up around myself and the outside world. Quite frankly, the only time in the last few years alone that I’ve felt anything outside of the house? Yeah, those were times that I was having an emotional break-down, or some other unhealthy thing. I just completely shut down when I go out of the house. And, again, I think it has to do with my anxiety, and not feeling comfortable with myself - not feeling comfortable with my own emotions, and even feeling guilty about having them.
So what have I learned through this? Because of my insecurity, I second guess myself constantly. I second guess my emotions, and my very being. And the disturbing part of this (for me, at least) is that I’ve felt like this for my entire life, so I’ve never had a true chance to cultivate my personality on the outside, or even really get to know myself on the inside. Because the more I go between personalities, the more my choices, actions and interests change. I know my emotions damn well, but I do not know my actual personality - my natural state of being, outside of my self-defence mechanisms. This is a problem. It’s probably unhealthy. I don’t like it.
But the question is, how am I ever going to get the confidence to be myself? I live off of projecting fronts, I’ve found, even though I prefer straight-forwardness. My positivity? It’s a front - I think about the positives to avoid thinking about the negatives (and during emotional break-down territory, this becomes a huge part of my break-down) to the point that I will outright unhealthily forget the negatives entirely in order to survive them.
What are real “Amanda” traits? What are the things that stay true, inside and out?
Well, I’m empathetic - to the point that I can generally sense and partially understand the emotions of other people, and often react the way that those around me are reacting because I can no longer sense my own feelings (I.E. Everyone’s laughing at a joke that I don’t find funny, and I just start laughing too. If I enter a room where everyone is bored, I will automatically become bored as well). I’m scared, obviously. I’m pretty freakin’ whimsical. I’m defensive. I have a need to be independent, to not depend on anyone (probably another insecurity thing, and connected to the intimacy-fear). I’m not comfortable with being the center of attention all the time, but sometimes I don’t mind it ;o) I’m selfish. I can be very excessive, again because of my insecurities.
Empathetic, scared, whimsical, independent, defensive, selfish, excessive. That’s the best I can come up with right now. Maybe I’ll go take a shower and keep thinking about it (nowadays, I have the energy to wake up in the morning). Hold on a minute. I’ll be back.
Okay, I didn’t think of anything else. Maybe this is an off-day. Whatever. I don’t really like how most of the things I came up with were negative (god, MORE self-esteem issues), but that’s all I’ve got for now.