Broken Hearted.
Honestly, I think that when the person that you're in love with turns out to not love you... you should just die. I think life should be kind enough to just kill you in that moment and just let you die. There shouldn't be anymore life for you. You should just die. That's what I want to happen to me now. I just want to die. That's it... I can't handle life without him like this. It hurts every day. I want to see him smile... and I want to make him laugh... and I can't. So there isn't anything left for me.
I mean, at least Colin thought I was special.
I want to tell him about how I’ve always thought nothing could come between us, about how I think we can fix anything together. I want for him to not be bullied for liking me. I want to start over again. I want to mean something to him, something good. I don’t really want him to know how jealous I’ve always been. I want to read everything he’s ever written, even the painful things that would make me cry to read… I want him to understand that I pushed him away and toward someone else so much, not because I don’t love him, because I know that I can never do to another girl what has been done to me so many times - I can never, ever be the reason that someone cheats on someone else. I want to stop crying over this every fucking day - I want to be happy for once, even if we were just friends, I want to be happy with him…
I always walked out of that classroom first because I hated the visual image of him leaving me every day. I hate how he warped everything I said into something awful, and I hate how I’m so sad. I hate that I didn’t go out with his friend because he said he’d never forgive me, and how that doesn’t even matter, how he still won’t forgive me. I hate how his friend added me to facebook and I finally thought I was becoming part of his life, and how happy I was - how complete I was - and how it was just ripped away from me. I hate how I thought that fighting was love and friendship, how I had been so hurt that I had forgotten compassion and kindness, and I really hate how that affected our relationship.
I gave up the use of symbolism - like, ever - because every time I would use a symbol in our relationship, it would push us apart, and I didn’t want that… ever. But then I thought it was the only way to communicate with him. I was so scared of dating him because I thought that my ex would get jealous and angry if he found out, and I was scared. I couldn’t cry because I was on fucjking Prozac, which deadens your emotions if taken to the extreme (like mine was), and now I cry every fucking day, in class, at home, on the walk home, all the fucking time, and it isn’t getting better. I don't even write anything anymore, except this, because it hurts too much to.
The only thing keeping me alive is the idea that somneday I can apologize and make things better.