Laura Watches Twilight, Part 2
In the next chapter of this epic tale, nothing happens, nothing happens, Edward looks like he's going to vomit, nothing happens, Bella almost gets smushed, blah blah blah who cares.
Part Two: In Which Bella Almost Dies, Does Not, And I Am Disappointed
Emmet looks like an idiot for standing up in the Jeep, and why is Tyler whipping things at Bella to get her attention? Of course everyone is so excited for her to come over and talk to them, and she’s all UGH, PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, HOW IRRITATING. Does anyone in the movie act like a real person, or what? Anybody?
“Days pass, and things were getting weird”: Bella is still wearing the long-sleeved turquoise thing from her first day of school. You’d think wardrobe would make sure to mix things up, but judging by the amount of care and money put into this movie, the wardrobe department was probably just a senior manager at The Gap.
Oh, and the hot kids are staring at her, or some shit. I don’t know anymore.
Great, the first hint of some kind of cool vampire action, and it arrives out of nowhere, has little relevance to the story, is about thirty seconds long, scored by terrible electro Musak, and CUTS AWAY AS SOON AS VIOLENCE HAPPENS.
Moar awkward Bella/Charlie conversations. God, I don’t care about any of this. I seriously have no inclination to watch the rest of this movie aside from snarking it to hell.
You know a movie’s bad when your only reason to keep watching is so you can figure out more ways to make fun of it.
SPARTAAAAAANS!
A new day, same old shit. Guys are hitting on Bella for no real reason, and hey look, Barfy McBarf is back at school. Barfy introduces himself and speaks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and The Terminator.
Does this golden onion have any relevance to anything?
So Edward (who REALLY sounds like he may have psychological problems and cannot speak normally) and Bella are talking, and I’m writing these, and I just forgot what they said. Something about it raining. And Bella doesn’t like cold. I JUST FORGOT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TEN SECONDS AGO, ITS THAT BORING AND INANE AND POINTLESS.
Look, dialogue matters. There should not be dialogue cluttering up a film that has little relevance to the story, unless it reveals some key trait about a character, how they speak and converse. It’s okay if its unrelated to plot, as long as it reveals some sort of subtle insight on a character. All I’m getting out of this is Bella doesn’t like cold, wet things (does ANYONE?), Edward speaks like he’s got peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth, and they’re both the most boring people on the fucking planet.
Edward’s contacts look like those ones you buy at Halloween stores. RE: nobody spent any fucking money on this movie.
I’m also pretty sure Kristen Stewart thinks that acting like a troubled teen means taking a lot of breaths in between words and hesitating a lot. It’s getting fairly annoying.
Yay, the van scene! Wait, that was...boring. Cut to Bella, cut to van, cut to Bella, cut to Edward smooshing van, the end. Lame. Of COURSE more time is being spent on Edward and Bella staring at each other.
We get to the hospital, and everyone is only mildly emoting. Bella was almost killed, and she sounds bored as usual, but Tyler sounds mildly repentant, Charlie sounds mildly pissed, and HAHAHA OH MY GOD DR. CULLEN. HE LOOKS LIKE A COLGATE COMMERCIAL.
He has the worst dye job out of all of the Cullens and I’m surprised his teeth don’t sparkle.
I feel so bad for Tyler. It’s not like the poor kid was driving drunk in bright daylight.
Here comes Edward’s patented “you silly women are so silly!” bullshit. Yay for patronizing! And fuck, I am so TIRED of Kristen Stewart always STUTTERING. I haven’t read the books - does Bella have a speech impediment?
Oh god, he is actually a terrifying stalker. And her boobs are all heaving and he looks like he’s about to jizz in his pants, and...oh god, this is so uncomfortable and wrong HOW IS THIS ROMANTIC I DON’T GET IT.
Now that Bella’s flashbacking to Edward saving her, did anyone else notice the trunk was pretty obviously pre-dented?
Edward is PEDOSMIRKING at her, oh dear lord. All while she talks to poor, clueless Mike, who hasn’t done a single thing wrong but who she treats as though he’s something gross under her shoe. If it wasn’t for the fact that his name is Mike (which is a problematic name for me for various reasons and would probably cause me emotional issues), I would so go out with him. I have personality and do not look constantly stoned.
BEHOLD, I AM EDWARD, I KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS AND HAVE MIGHTY PRODUCT PLACEMENT POWERS.
Wait, Bella’s saying Edward regrets saving her from a speeding van? That came right out of the fucking blue. He hasn’t dropped any hints suggesting such. How did she manage to glean that information, using her exemplary intuition? Reading it from Edward’s face? He looks constipated and/or nauseated most of the time, so what gives?
I know Catherine Hardwick directed this, and she’s all OMG MEN SUCK WIMMEN HAVE IT SO HARD, but I don’t think it’s necessary to make all of the seventeen year old boys in this school act like monkeys on steroids. I mean, sure, they are immature at times, but give them a break. Having then prance about and chase each other and throw things and make ridiculous hand gestures is so fucking dumb.
ZOMG LOOK EDWARD IS HOLDING APPLE IT LOOKS LIKE BOOK COVER OMG EASTER EGG EASTER EGG.
Bella is considering “radioactive spiders and Kryptonite” as the reasons why Edward could dent a car. She either has an overactive imagination or reads too many comic books, but I highly doubt it’s either, because that would make her actually cool (and doesn’t Kryptonite defeat Superman? If Edward is “superman”, why the fuck would Kryptonite be a source of his magical car-crushing abilities?).
I’m not gonna lie, if some guy pushed me out of the way of an accident and dented a car in the process, my first reaction would be, “Whoa, do you work out a lot?” Not, “HOLY FUCK, YOU’RE A SUPERHERO, LET ME BE YOUR MARY JANE.”
Part Two: In Which Bella Almost Dies, Does Not, And I Am Disappointed
Emmet looks like an idiot for standing up in the Jeep, and why is Tyler whipping things at Bella to get her attention? Of course everyone is so excited for her to come over and talk to them, and she’s all UGH, PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, HOW IRRITATING. Does anyone in the movie act like a real person, or what? Anybody?
“Days pass, and things were getting weird”: Bella is still wearing the long-sleeved turquoise thing from her first day of school. You’d think wardrobe would make sure to mix things up, but judging by the amount of care and money put into this movie, the wardrobe department was probably just a senior manager at The Gap.
Oh, and the hot kids are staring at her, or some shit. I don’t know anymore.
Great, the first hint of some kind of cool vampire action, and it arrives out of nowhere, has little relevance to the story, is about thirty seconds long, scored by terrible electro Musak, and CUTS AWAY AS SOON AS VIOLENCE HAPPENS.
Moar awkward Bella/Charlie conversations. God, I don’t care about any of this. I seriously have no inclination to watch the rest of this movie aside from snarking it to hell.
You know a movie’s bad when your only reason to keep watching is so you can figure out more ways to make fun of it.
SPARTAAAAAANS!
A new day, same old shit. Guys are hitting on Bella for no real reason, and hey look, Barfy McBarf is back at school. Barfy introduces himself and speaks like a cross between Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and The Terminator.
Does this golden onion have any relevance to anything?
So Edward (who REALLY sounds like he may have psychological problems and cannot speak normally) and Bella are talking, and I’m writing these, and I just forgot what they said. Something about it raining. And Bella doesn’t like cold. I JUST FORGOT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TEN SECONDS AGO, ITS THAT BORING AND INANE AND POINTLESS.
Look, dialogue matters. There should not be dialogue cluttering up a film that has little relevance to the story, unless it reveals some key trait about a character, how they speak and converse. It’s okay if its unrelated to plot, as long as it reveals some sort of subtle insight on a character. All I’m getting out of this is Bella doesn’t like cold, wet things (does ANYONE?), Edward speaks like he’s got peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth, and they’re both the most boring people on the fucking planet.
Edward’s contacts look like those ones you buy at Halloween stores. RE: nobody spent any fucking money on this movie.
I’m also pretty sure Kristen Stewart thinks that acting like a troubled teen means taking a lot of breaths in between words and hesitating a lot. It’s getting fairly annoying.
Yay, the van scene! Wait, that was...boring. Cut to Bella, cut to van, cut to Bella, cut to Edward smooshing van, the end. Lame. Of COURSE more time is being spent on Edward and Bella staring at each other.
We get to the hospital, and everyone is only mildly emoting. Bella was almost killed, and she sounds bored as usual, but Tyler sounds mildly repentant, Charlie sounds mildly pissed, and HAHAHA OH MY GOD DR. CULLEN. HE LOOKS LIKE A COLGATE COMMERCIAL.
He has the worst dye job out of all of the Cullens and I’m surprised his teeth don’t sparkle.
I feel so bad for Tyler. It’s not like the poor kid was driving drunk in bright daylight.
Here comes Edward’s patented “you silly women are so silly!” bullshit. Yay for patronizing! And fuck, I am so TIRED of Kristen Stewart always STUTTERING. I haven’t read the books - does Bella have a speech impediment?
Oh god, he is actually a terrifying stalker. And her boobs are all heaving and he looks like he’s about to jizz in his pants, and...oh god, this is so uncomfortable and wrong HOW IS THIS ROMANTIC I DON’T GET IT.
Now that Bella’s flashbacking to Edward saving her, did anyone else notice the trunk was pretty obviously pre-dented?
Edward is PEDOSMIRKING at her, oh dear lord. All while she talks to poor, clueless Mike, who hasn’t done a single thing wrong but who she treats as though he’s something gross under her shoe. If it wasn’t for the fact that his name is Mike (which is a problematic name for me for various reasons and would probably cause me emotional issues), I would so go out with him. I have personality and do not look constantly stoned.
BEHOLD, I AM EDWARD, I KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS AND HAVE MIGHTY PRODUCT PLACEMENT POWERS.
Wait, Bella’s saying Edward regrets saving her from a speeding van? That came right out of the fucking blue. He hasn’t dropped any hints suggesting such. How did she manage to glean that information, using her exemplary intuition? Reading it from Edward’s face? He looks constipated and/or nauseated most of the time, so what gives?
I know Catherine Hardwick directed this, and she’s all OMG MEN SUCK WIMMEN HAVE IT SO HARD, but I don’t think it’s necessary to make all of the seventeen year old boys in this school act like monkeys on steroids. I mean, sure, they are immature at times, but give them a break. Having then prance about and chase each other and throw things and make ridiculous hand gestures is so fucking dumb.
ZOMG LOOK EDWARD IS HOLDING APPLE IT LOOKS LIKE BOOK COVER OMG EASTER EGG EASTER EGG.
Bella is considering “radioactive spiders and Kryptonite” as the reasons why Edward could dent a car. She either has an overactive imagination or reads too many comic books, but I highly doubt it’s either, because that would make her actually cool (and doesn’t Kryptonite defeat Superman? If Edward is “superman”, why the fuck would Kryptonite be a source of his magical car-crushing abilities?).
I’m not gonna lie, if some guy pushed me out of the way of an accident and dented a car in the process, my first reaction would be, “Whoa, do you work out a lot?” Not, “HOLY FUCK, YOU’RE A SUPERHERO, LET ME BE YOUR MARY JANE.”