This is so much fun - Laura watches Twilight, part 1
Alright, I’ve done it. I’ve downloaded Twilight (I’m not going to PAY for this shit, are you kidding me?). It’s sitting on my hard drive right now, mocking me. Meanwhile, my hard drive is begging me to DELETE, DELETE, WIPE THIS STAIN AND MAKE ME PURE AGAIN OH PLEASE JESUS. Soon enough, my sweet, soon enough.
Since I noticed a lot of people just snark the entirety of this epic shitstain of a series, I decided to focus on primarily why it’s so fucking bad as a film. We all know the plot is as thin as a piece of economy-brand toilet paper and the dialogue consists mainly of “ILU, UR PRETTY” “OMG BUT I’M DANGEROUS” repeated over and over again. Of course I will take the piss out of these elements as much as possible, as well as lol over how awful the special effects are and how no-one in the entire movie can act their way out of a kindergarten production of Cinderella.
I love crappy movies. I revel in their awfulness and there is nothing quite like mocking and scrutinizing fail, especially when an enormous group of individuals inexplicably adore this fail. The Twilight series is probably the absolute nadir of this decade, the pinnacle of all the crap we’ve had to put up with as of late. It’s kind of like what sequins and Day-Glo and shoulder pads were to the 1980’s.
All on its own, it’s set the women’s movement back a generation or two, turned perfectly sane teenage girls into squealing, obnoxious monsters, ruined Robert Pattinson’s life, convinced readers that thesaurus-mining made for excellent literature, and just generally sucked. It’s manipulative garbage, like Hitler. Maybe Twilight is Mein Kampf reincarnated for the new generation, minus all the racial superiority propaganda and what have you.
I am kidding, of course, but fuck, it’s bad. And the movie’s not any better.
Prepare yourselves, because I, your humble film student, am going to brave the murky, blue-tinted waters of the world of Twilight: The Movie. I may drown, but god help me, I’m not going under without a fight.
Part 1: “I’d like to take a minute so just sit right there/and I’ll tell you about how a whiny brat moved to a town called Bellair Forks”
(Twilight is TWO HOURS long? Is that really necessary? Whether I ever get the next two hours of my life back remains to be seen)
Of course the movie begins with narration. I shit you not, I literally sat here thinking “I bet Twilight is so cliché and lame, the movie begins with Bella narrating.” I am so proud of myself right now.
Fucking sparklepires, leave the cute deer alone. Then again, it looks like Edward just gave it a giant bear hug, so whatever. I LUBB YOUUU BUT WANT TO EAT YOUUU. Which is actually what this entire movie is about, really.
And here’s our protagonist, standing in the desert, holding...a shovel and a fucking cactus, in front of more cacti? Seriously? As if we didn’t believe she was from Pheonix, here’s some gratuitous images of stereotypical desert shit while Kristen Stewart makes an orgasm face. Is she turned on by cacti? Is that why she hates Forks so much, because the lack of cacti makes her sexually frustrated?
Here’s some more typical “telling then showing.” I LIVE IN PHEONIX, HERE ARE SOME CACTUS. MY MOM AND STEP DAD WANT TO GO ON THE ROAD, SO NOW WE ARE DRIVING.” Does any of this really need narration? It implies that we’re too fucking stupid to understand a girl in a desert, getting in a car, driving past a desert, getting on a plane, and ending up in her dad’s house in a more rural area without someone explaining every step to us.
I was just starting to enjoy the landscape shots and now they’re over already. I guess we’re skimping on lovely desert and forest images so we can save minutes devoted to Edward’s face.
Charlie has a fantastic moustache.
God this movie is so fucking obvious. Way to show us that Charlie hasn’t seen Bella in awhile by talking about her hair growing. BECAUSE HE HASN’T SEEN HER SINCE. OMG DID YOU GET IT? THEY AREN’T CLOSE BECAUSE THEY DON’T SEE EACH OTHER OFTEN. ARE YOU SURE YOU GET IT NOW? WANT ME TO PLAY IT BACK? And if that isn’t enough, out pops the narration to tell us “it’s been years.”
I AM THREE MINUTES AND ELEVEN SECONDS INTO THIS MOVIE AND I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST IQ POINTS.
Now this is making me kind of mad. She hasn’t seen her father in years, he made an effort to fix up her room and everything, and looks so awkward but tries anyway, tells his best friend how excited he is that she’s here, and Bella’s glad he doesn’t hover and leaves instead? Wouldn’t she, y’know, make an effort to engage in some sort of discussion?
Perhaps she wants some alone time with the cactus.
And why does Jacob, who is a werewolf, have vampire teeth, and Edward, who actually is a vampire, does not?
Oh look, she’s showing what appears to be genuine excitement at the truck! (Wait, isn’t she supposed to hate the truck?)
I AM SO TIRED OF THIS NARRATION. WE KNOW SHE IS AT A NEW SCHOOL. STOP TELLING US THINGS THAT NEED ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATION.
I am still horribly confused by why a new kid would be a feature in the school paper. What do they even know about her? She just got there, and she has no hobbies or interests other than looking blasé and obsessing over Edward. Do people just generally go batshit insane in small towns when new people show up? I live in Toronto. There are two and a half million people here. Someone from a small town, please enlighten me: would you give a shit?
Okay, now this conversation in gym is so difficult to watch. Actually, all of these conversations are difficult to watch. Who wrote this movie, and why do they think that typical teenage girls actually speak like characters in Clueless? I am also not offered any explanation as to why Mike has a boner for Bella. She makes shitty jokes and is socially awkward, is kind of rude, and she just smacked him in the back of the head. She’s pretty, but she’s not “forget-all-her-faults-in-the-hopes-of-fucking-her” pretty. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in the average high school, you could look like Megan Fox, but if you act like a sad, pathetic, socially maladjusted goth kid, no one will want to date you.
I’m also pretty sure Eric is gay, but if he isn’t, he’s so cute and upbeat and has a fantastic sense of style. Why the fuck would he want to date someone who was his total opposite?
Because really, what the fuck is she WEARING? A scrub top?
This entire thing just feels like Stephenie Meyer’s masturbation fantasy (“every boy in love with me at once!”), or at least what she wishes high school was like: do absolutely nothing, and everyone will love you.
OH HAY IT’S THE CULLENS. Why would such attractive people have such terrible dye jobs? I also love how Jessica calls Alice “weird” for what appears to be nothing more than being gorgeous, having awesome clothes and twirling, yet she’s sitting across a table from The Queen of the Night People who wears scrubs (a baseball uniform? wut) and stares at her lap when she speaks.
And the music SWELLS when we see Edward, whose eyebrows are a different colour than his hair and who I personally think is much less attractive than the rest of his foster siblings. This isn’t bias talking. Dude’s got a weirdly shaped head.
HAHA I CAN’T BELIEVE THE FACE HE MADE WHEN HE SMELLED BELLA. OH MY GOD. Has anyone ever taught Robert Pattinson the art of subtly? Look vaguely displeased, confused, shocked, whatever, but try to avoid looking like you are going to vomit.
Seriously, he looks like me that one time I ate McDonalds because it was the only thing open at midnight, and then went clubbing and had three vodka cranberries and threw up at four in the morning.
I am laughing so hard here, I can’t take this. He’s STARING at her, and not even pretending to disguise it. What does the teacher think when he sees this? I don’t know about you, but when I smell something offputting or questionable, I do not sit and stare at it intently.
Even the ADULTS are obsessed with Bella. At least that’s sort of understandable, since they love Charlie and love her by proxy.
Wait, why is she so pissy about everyone at her school liking her? Her poor mother probably thinks that everyone is treating her like a social pariah (which she is, but whatever).
This makes absolutely no sense. My god I’m confused.
Since I noticed a lot of people just snark the entirety of this epic shitstain of a series, I decided to focus on primarily why it’s so fucking bad as a film. We all know the plot is as thin as a piece of economy-brand toilet paper and the dialogue consists mainly of “ILU, UR PRETTY” “OMG BUT I’M DANGEROUS” repeated over and over again. Of course I will take the piss out of these elements as much as possible, as well as lol over how awful the special effects are and how no-one in the entire movie can act their way out of a kindergarten production of Cinderella.
I love crappy movies. I revel in their awfulness and there is nothing quite like mocking and scrutinizing fail, especially when an enormous group of individuals inexplicably adore this fail. The Twilight series is probably the absolute nadir of this decade, the pinnacle of all the crap we’ve had to put up with as of late. It’s kind of like what sequins and Day-Glo and shoulder pads were to the 1980’s.
All on its own, it’s set the women’s movement back a generation or two, turned perfectly sane teenage girls into squealing, obnoxious monsters, ruined Robert Pattinson’s life, convinced readers that thesaurus-mining made for excellent literature, and just generally sucked. It’s manipulative garbage, like Hitler. Maybe Twilight is Mein Kampf reincarnated for the new generation, minus all the racial superiority propaganda and what have you.
I am kidding, of course, but fuck, it’s bad. And the movie’s not any better.
Prepare yourselves, because I, your humble film student, am going to brave the murky, blue-tinted waters of the world of Twilight: The Movie. I may drown, but god help me, I’m not going under without a fight.
Part 1: “I’d like to take a minute so just sit right there/and I’ll tell you about how a whiny brat moved to a town called Bellair Forks”
(Twilight is TWO HOURS long? Is that really necessary? Whether I ever get the next two hours of my life back remains to be seen)
Of course the movie begins with narration. I shit you not, I literally sat here thinking “I bet Twilight is so cliché and lame, the movie begins with Bella narrating.” I am so proud of myself right now.
Fucking sparklepires, leave the cute deer alone. Then again, it looks like Edward just gave it a giant bear hug, so whatever. I LUBB YOUUU BUT WANT TO EAT YOUUU. Which is actually what this entire movie is about, really.
And here’s our protagonist, standing in the desert, holding...a shovel and a fucking cactus, in front of more cacti? Seriously? As if we didn’t believe she was from Pheonix, here’s some gratuitous images of stereotypical desert shit while Kristen Stewart makes an orgasm face. Is she turned on by cacti? Is that why she hates Forks so much, because the lack of cacti makes her sexually frustrated?
Here’s some more typical “telling then showing.” I LIVE IN PHEONIX, HERE ARE SOME CACTUS. MY MOM AND STEP DAD WANT TO GO ON THE ROAD, SO NOW WE ARE DRIVING.” Does any of this really need narration? It implies that we’re too fucking stupid to understand a girl in a desert, getting in a car, driving past a desert, getting on a plane, and ending up in her dad’s house in a more rural area without someone explaining every step to us.
I was just starting to enjoy the landscape shots and now they’re over already. I guess we’re skimping on lovely desert and forest images so we can save minutes devoted to Edward’s face.
Charlie has a fantastic moustache.
God this movie is so fucking obvious. Way to show us that Charlie hasn’t seen Bella in awhile by talking about her hair growing. BECAUSE HE HASN’T SEEN HER SINCE. OMG DID YOU GET IT? THEY AREN’T CLOSE BECAUSE THEY DON’T SEE EACH OTHER OFTEN. ARE YOU SURE YOU GET IT NOW? WANT ME TO PLAY IT BACK? And if that isn’t enough, out pops the narration to tell us “it’s been years.”
I AM THREE MINUTES AND ELEVEN SECONDS INTO THIS MOVIE AND I ALREADY FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST IQ POINTS.
Now this is making me kind of mad. She hasn’t seen her father in years, he made an effort to fix up her room and everything, and looks so awkward but tries anyway, tells his best friend how excited he is that she’s here, and Bella’s glad he doesn’t hover and leaves instead? Wouldn’t she, y’know, make an effort to engage in some sort of discussion?
Perhaps she wants some alone time with the cactus.
And why does Jacob, who is a werewolf, have vampire teeth, and Edward, who actually is a vampire, does not?
Oh look, she’s showing what appears to be genuine excitement at the truck! (Wait, isn’t she supposed to hate the truck?)
I AM SO TIRED OF THIS NARRATION. WE KNOW SHE IS AT A NEW SCHOOL. STOP TELLING US THINGS THAT NEED ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATION.
I am still horribly confused by why a new kid would be a feature in the school paper. What do they even know about her? She just got there, and she has no hobbies or interests other than looking blasé and obsessing over Edward. Do people just generally go batshit insane in small towns when new people show up? I live in Toronto. There are two and a half million people here. Someone from a small town, please enlighten me: would you give a shit?
Okay, now this conversation in gym is so difficult to watch. Actually, all of these conversations are difficult to watch. Who wrote this movie, and why do they think that typical teenage girls actually speak like characters in Clueless? I am also not offered any explanation as to why Mike has a boner for Bella. She makes shitty jokes and is socially awkward, is kind of rude, and she just smacked him in the back of the head. She’s pretty, but she’s not “forget-all-her-faults-in-the-hopes-of-fucking-her” pretty. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in the average high school, you could look like Megan Fox, but if you act like a sad, pathetic, socially maladjusted goth kid, no one will want to date you.
I’m also pretty sure Eric is gay, but if he isn’t, he’s so cute and upbeat and has a fantastic sense of style. Why the fuck would he want to date someone who was his total opposite?
Because really, what the fuck is she WEARING? A scrub top?
This entire thing just feels like Stephenie Meyer’s masturbation fantasy (“every boy in love with me at once!”), or at least what she wishes high school was like: do absolutely nothing, and everyone will love you.
OH HAY IT’S THE CULLENS. Why would such attractive people have such terrible dye jobs? I also love how Jessica calls Alice “weird” for what appears to be nothing more than being gorgeous, having awesome clothes and twirling, yet she’s sitting across a table from The Queen of the Night People who wears scrubs (a baseball uniform? wut) and stares at her lap when she speaks.
And the music SWELLS when we see Edward, whose eyebrows are a different colour than his hair and who I personally think is much less attractive than the rest of his foster siblings. This isn’t bias talking. Dude’s got a weirdly shaped head.
HAHA I CAN’T BELIEVE THE FACE HE MADE WHEN HE SMELLED BELLA. OH MY GOD. Has anyone ever taught Robert Pattinson the art of subtly? Look vaguely displeased, confused, shocked, whatever, but try to avoid looking like you are going to vomit.
Seriously, he looks like me that one time I ate McDonalds because it was the only thing open at midnight, and then went clubbing and had three vodka cranberries and threw up at four in the morning.
I am laughing so hard here, I can’t take this. He’s STARING at her, and not even pretending to disguise it. What does the teacher think when he sees this? I don’t know about you, but when I smell something offputting or questionable, I do not sit and stare at it intently.
Even the ADULTS are obsessed with Bella. At least that’s sort of understandable, since they love Charlie and love her by proxy.
Wait, why is she so pissy about everyone at her school liking her? Her poor mother probably thinks that everyone is treating her like a social pariah (which she is, but whatever).
This makes absolutely no sense. My god I’m confused.