Laura Watches Twilight, Part 3
In Which Bella Pretends To Have Friends She Cares About And Almost Gets Killed AGAIN, But Does Not Because Edward Saves Her (AGAIN)
So they’re at the beach, and wow, Bella giving someone advice and pretending to give a shit about someone other than Edward. Throwing in scenes like this isn’t going to convince me that she can’t fucking stand all these people.
...All the Natives have long hair. Is this a joke? Are they from the Hilarious and Possibly Offensive Stereotype Indian Reservation?
Well, at least, contrary to the book, Bella doesn’t lead poor Jacob on to get him to divulge supar sekrit knowledge. But still, isn’t it supposed to be a tribal code that he not tell anyone? But whatevs, Bella is hawt so boys will betray their entire way of life for her, and all.
LOL THE FLASHBACK TO OLDEN TIMES. IT IS IN SEPIA. THIS CANNOT GET ANY MORE CLICHED AND RIDICULOUS. OH WAIT, IT CAN, BECAUSE THEIR OUTFITS LOOK RIDICULOUS.
Yet another instance of “more shit we didn’t need to have in the movie.” Jacob is explaining all this, having pretty pictures accompany it is unnecessary and further contributes to my feeling braindead just by watching this.
And here we have another shitty vampire attack scene. They’re all the same. It’s like a minute of buildup, no tension whatsoever because obviously this character is toast, fruitlessly yelling “ANYONE THAR?” and then OMG DEAD, QUICK, CUT AWAY BEFORE WE SEE BLOOD AND GUTS AND COOL STUFF. And the special effects are so terrible. What is this weird jerky fast-motion blur we get when one of the vampires moves really fast? And why are all the other vampires in this movie, even the villains, so much better looking than Edward?
All of the crappy production values and the terrible soundtrack and the washed-out look everything has makes me think of some low-budget horror TV series from the 90’s. Possibly Goosebumps, except much less awesome.
Google-fu time! SUPER CRAZY EXTREME CLOSE UP ON BELLA’S INTARNETS. YAY POINTLESS.
Bella goes dress shopping with friends to the ugliest store I’ve ever seen. It looks like the basement of a Wal-Mart in Arkansas, and the sound quality is so terrible I can hear the echo.
Why is it night by the time Bella gets to the bookstore? She was just at the dress shop. Isn’t Port Angeles a small town? Even if she went to the other side of town, I highly doubt it took her six hours to find the place, buy a book she already knew was there, and leave.
Oh wait, I know why, so we can set up the next scene, in which Bella almost gets surprise sexed by threatening young males.
Well, at least she punched one dude. I would have liked to see her Kill Bill her way out of this, but of course Edward and his white horse big sparkly car show up to save the day. He attempts to frighten and intimidate the would-be attackers by making his vomit face.
Which is kind of horrifying. Nobody likes to be barfed on.
Haha, I love the face Edward made when Bella asked him how he knew what the guys were thinking of doing to her. He might as well have said, “I, UH, BECAUSE, UM, I’M A VAM - I MEAN, ITS NOT HARD TO GUESS.”
Dear Robert Pattinson: when I can actually SEE you double-take, please ease up on the over-acting.
EDWARD ANGRY, BARF FACE. Christ, he really is unattractive. In high-shadow he looks somewhat like a pissed-off frog.
So this Bettie Page look-alike brings them food at the restaurant, and HAR HAR EDWARD DOESN’T WANT TO EAT BECAUSE HE’S ON A SPECIAL DIET. Yes, of course. OF DEER AND MOUNTAIN LION BLOOD, LOL.
Okay, Edward actually made a lulzy line. Then Bella ruined it by showing off how she knows the square root of pi. Yes, we know, you’re smart and everyone loves you and you’re perfect, shut up.
Edward reads the Asian guy’s mind and he’s thinking about money. WE ARE LIVING IN STEREOTYPE LAND HERE, DEAR EDWARD. HE IS ASIAN, HE WAS CLEARLY THINKING ABOUT ANIME AND LOGORITHMS. Some fat homely guy is thinking about his cat, and we are supposed to be all DUR HURR HE’S FAT AND HAS NO FRIENDS EXCEPT CATS, WHAT A LOSER, but couldn’t he just be thinking, “My cat ran away, I hope he’s all right!”?
For some reason, Bella is upset that Edward can’t read her mind. Fuck, if I found out the guy I (inexplicably) liked could read my thoughts, I’d go batshit trying to only think good things about the dude all the fucking time. It’s like she’s pissed Edward can’t violate her innermost thoughts, which is understandable, since Bella’s such a helpless 1950’s housewife in the books anyway.
They’re in the car, and OMG WE TOUCHED SLIGHTLY BY ACCIDENT HOW AWKWARD BUT ODDLY ROMANTIC. I wonder how many romance movies they stole this concept from.
But it’s because his HAND IS COLD. Do we need any more hints about Edward being a vampire? Has any member of the audience STILL not clued in yet? Obviously Bella continues to be in the dark. She knows the square root of pi but she doesn’t have the faintest idea that her would-be paramour is of the undead.
So wait, there’s an outbreak of “animal attacks” and Charlie gives Bella...pepper spray?
Look, the only animals that could possibly do as much damage to a human as a vampire is going to be something fucking huge, like a wildcat or a mountain lion or what have you. PEPPER SPRAY is not going to hurt it, unless you spray in the eyes, and Bella is not going to be able to get close to its eyes before it bites her arm off. Who the fuck made Charlie a cop?
Bella sees the cold, dead feet of the dead and immediately her mind (FACIAL CLOSE-UP LOL DRAMA) flashes back to Edward’s cold dead eyes.
I dunno, she thinks he’s hot, and stuff. She thinks about him all the time. I’m not sure why dead bodies make her think of her beloved, but some people are just fucked up.
Bella Googles “Cold One,” a term she finds in a book of Native American legends. For some reason, she finds ancient drawings (that are actually pretty badass) of a monster instead of a tall, ice cold brew.
Oh my god, and each word she reads that describes Edward, we get a flashback evidencing this. Speed - OMG EDWARD RUNS FAST. Strength - OMG EDWARD’S FIST PLOWING INTO THE VAN. Cold - OMG EDWARD’S HAND IN THE CAR.
WE. JUST. FUCKING. SAW. ALL. THIS. We’re not even an hour into the movie yet, and a lot of that shit happened like twenty minutes ago. The average audience member does not have the memory capacity of a goldfish.
Ugh, fuck this noise. All this babble about cold ones makes me want a beer.
Stay tuned to part four, which, I understand, will feature the REALLY hilarious shit:
- “Say my name, bitch! I mean, yeah, I’m a vampire.”
- “Let’s stare at each other for hours on end!”
- SUPER SPECIAL VAMPIRE BASEBALL
- And, of course, SPARKLES!