All hail she whose journaling prowess has sorely regressed!
I used to be such a journaling pro! It isn't that I don't want to write, or even that I don't have time.... Okay, I don't really have time. Or rather, I always have 43920894 other things I should be doing instead of journaling.
However, I was lamenting this lack of journaling today as I read my entry from last month before I left on my trip.... I record these things in words so that they can be remembered and looked back upon fondly. I journal also to get things off my chest, to help me sort out my thoughts, to be creative. I don't really do it so that people can read it or know what's going on with me, but that's a perk of LJ.
A lot of the times, I sit down and end up doing a synopsis of what's going on. The problem with a synopsis or abridged version of Erikaworld is that it really doesn't fulfill any of those journaling goals fully. It does help me remember things, but there are so few details and emotions included that a lot of the times the actual feeling of the event is lost. Relatedly, the lack of details and pressing need to be catching up on this-and-that other thing always makes it near impossible for me to "get things off my chest" or do any sort of thought-sorting while I'm trying to journal. And forget being creative! I can't even remember the last time I wrote any prose or poetry, and that used to be my absolute favorite thing to do. I don't know that I like it any less or want to do it any less, really.... I just find that other things have become priorities. Like eating, and sleeping. You know, that sort of thing. In any case, I do miss it. I have already found this particular entry, however pointless and rambly it is, to be somewhat therapeutic and relaxing.
And it isn't even that I have a lack of interesting or noteworthy things to journal about. Holy guacamole, if my life's events were driving along the highway, this year would be freaking Detroit rush hour! I've been trying to decide how I will go about finding a remedy for this. I already tried to make a New Year's resolution to journal a little bit every week. That worked for a small period of time, but inevitably crashed when things got crazy at work and at school. I haven't really come up with any other good alternatives. The next idea I have, though, is to make a list below of general areas (maybe with small tidbit teasers) from which I could spring a serious of small catch-ups at any given moment, and just try to pick one to update about every time I manage to set aside some time. I want to set aside time, I do.
So, without further ado, here are areas that need to be dusted off and highlighted...
--School/work: They changed my assignment this year. I am no longer teaching at Murphy (sad), am now full time at the middle school (glad), and will now be teaching a section of 8th grade Language Arts (nervous, excited), though possibly without any technology to speak of (panicking).
--School/MSU: Is going well, have everything mapped out to finish and just need to decide if I'm going to do a thesis or the comprehensive exam. Am currently finishing up a summer course that was incredibly fascinating, so much so that I wish it had been one I could have taken during the school year.
--OJ: Has cancer. A tumor in her right eye that is rapidly becoming unsightly but is not hurting her (according to opthamologist). The cancer has metastasized into her lungs and the oncologist gave her about 3 months to live. I doubt anyone has any question about how I feel about this and I just spend the entire morning at the vet with her, so I'd rather not re-hash it at the moment.
--Wedding planning: Is going well. Current developments include a sweet string trio for the ceremony, awesome invitations that need to go out soon, and a surprisingly tolerable bridal shower put together by my amazing aunt and cunning cousin. My dress came in yesterday, so I have a deep desire to go out and try it on, but haven't had the time to do so yet (and it is slowly making me crazy, yes it is).
--Pre-marriage: Is so freakin' awesome. This program is so well-designed, and it gives me so much comfort and joy to know that my church cares so much about making marriages successful that they have a program like this. Wow, the word "so" popped up in that sentence quite a few times.
--Keith/the kids: Are awesome. Katie has been doing wedding things with me and is getting so grown up. We went dress shopping for her bridesmaid dress and a shower dress together and had a blast. She looked beautiful at the shower. Ben just got home from a mission trip in Detroit that he seems to have enjoyed, but I have had little time to ask him about it since he returned, so I'm kind of bummed about that. Keith is... Still the most amazing man and I am constantly amazed at how blessed I am to have him in my life. Still madly in love with him, still excited to marry him and wish I could do it TOMORROW, still can't wait to be his wife and a stepmom to his children.
--Holly: Is still incredibly... unstable... and a thorn in Keith's side, though she has mostly left me alone since Jim died (thank God). Mostly, I say? Yes, mostly. Due to the extreme short nature of all this, I'll leave details for later when I have more energy.
--Working at the gym: Is still awesome. Maria, the other evening class teacher, went on vacation this week starting last Friday, so I have picked up several extra shifts and have thus been honing my skills as a step aerobics teacher. I enjoy it - I loved taking it, and am hoping to continue to improve as a teacher. Kickboxing is still my main love and my main skill, of course. Had a group of new girls come to class this evening and love it, so I am still being reminded that this whole fitness instructing thing seems to be a gift of mine, or at least a special skill, and I treasure it. (And as I always say - I get paid to work out! What's better than that??)
--People to People: Was incredible this year, as usual. I found this trip more exhausting than others for some reason (I barely had time to do laundry, use the phone, or do anything on the Internet that one might do during one's down time on one of these trips), maybe because we hardly had more than a 1-night stay in any place for the whole trip. Lots of great pictures, of course, which I am uploading to Snapfish this year so I can order prints and stuff from there. More on the trip later, of course.
--Jim's funeral and stuff: Emotional. Sad. The aftermath has been even uglier, because Jim didn't have an updated will. The one he had and the one that they kept putting off updating was 22 years old, left the entire estate to his kids, and names his sister and her ex-husband as the executors. Since my mom wasn't in the picture 22 years ago, she is, of course, absent from it. The kids are seeing dollar signs and treating my mom like her role in their lives meant nothing. I have to put this in... I will include some emotions in this little summary because I feel it worth to note at this very moment that I have never been so angry in my entire life. Not when Chow treated me like dirt. Not when Jim was a jerkface to me as I grew up. Not when Sue was a complete witch to me during my internship. Not when Holly has been ridiculous to Keith or to me (though when she uses the kids, it does make me pretty upset).... I just feel like nothing can justify their desire to get everything the can from the estate and completely eschew their relationship with my mom, and their FATHER's relationship with her. Acting like they didn't talk about it all the time, like my mom didn't know exactly what he wanted, like the legal stuff they did draw up with a family member was "faked," etc. etc. I don't want to get into details about it right now, either, but I did need to express my anger, and to include the fact that I don't think I've ever been this angry for this long before. Anger is toxic, and I don't like it. I am good at flushing it, but everything I hear about this whole mess, all the updates, just keeps fueling my ire about the whole thing and reminding me that it seems uncontrollable at this point. I take that back - it's controllable. If I weren't controlling it to some degree, I would have already written or called my siblings to chew their goddamn faces off for being greedy and rude to my mother. I have done no such thing, however. If you are still reading this, please spare a prayer for them, for my mom, and for me... I need help dealing with my emotions related to this. I want to do the right thing, say the right thing.
My energy has pretty much depleted. I have had an extremely long day today (a day that included long hours at the vet and double fitness classes in the evening), so I should get some sleep early and get cracking on work tomorrow after I get home from Grand Rapids.
However, I was lamenting this lack of journaling today as I read my entry from last month before I left on my trip.... I record these things in words so that they can be remembered and looked back upon fondly. I journal also to get things off my chest, to help me sort out my thoughts, to be creative. I don't really do it so that people can read it or know what's going on with me, but that's a perk of LJ.
A lot of the times, I sit down and end up doing a synopsis of what's going on. The problem with a synopsis or abridged version of Erikaworld is that it really doesn't fulfill any of those journaling goals fully. It does help me remember things, but there are so few details and emotions included that a lot of the times the actual feeling of the event is lost. Relatedly, the lack of details and pressing need to be catching up on this-and-that other thing always makes it near impossible for me to "get things off my chest" or do any sort of thought-sorting while I'm trying to journal. And forget being creative! I can't even remember the last time I wrote any prose or poetry, and that used to be my absolute favorite thing to do. I don't know that I like it any less or want to do it any less, really.... I just find that other things have become priorities. Like eating, and sleeping. You know, that sort of thing. In any case, I do miss it. I have already found this particular entry, however pointless and rambly it is, to be somewhat therapeutic and relaxing.
And it isn't even that I have a lack of interesting or noteworthy things to journal about. Holy guacamole, if my life's events were driving along the highway, this year would be freaking Detroit rush hour! I've been trying to decide how I will go about finding a remedy for this. I already tried to make a New Year's resolution to journal a little bit every week. That worked for a small period of time, but inevitably crashed when things got crazy at work and at school. I haven't really come up with any other good alternatives. The next idea I have, though, is to make a list below of general areas (maybe with small tidbit teasers) from which I could spring a serious of small catch-ups at any given moment, and just try to pick one to update about every time I manage to set aside some time. I want to set aside time, I do.
So, without further ado, here are areas that need to be dusted off and highlighted...
--School/work: They changed my assignment this year. I am no longer teaching at Murphy (sad), am now full time at the middle school (glad), and will now be teaching a section of 8th grade Language Arts (nervous, excited), though possibly without any technology to speak of (panicking).
--School/MSU: Is going well, have everything mapped out to finish and just need to decide if I'm going to do a thesis or the comprehensive exam. Am currently finishing up a summer course that was incredibly fascinating, so much so that I wish it had been one I could have taken during the school year.
--OJ: Has cancer. A tumor in her right eye that is rapidly becoming unsightly but is not hurting her (according to opthamologist). The cancer has metastasized into her lungs and the oncologist gave her about 3 months to live. I doubt anyone has any question about how I feel about this and I just spend the entire morning at the vet with her, so I'd rather not re-hash it at the moment.
--Wedding planning: Is going well. Current developments include a sweet string trio for the ceremony, awesome invitations that need to go out soon, and a surprisingly tolerable bridal shower put together by my amazing aunt and cunning cousin. My dress came in yesterday, so I have a deep desire to go out and try it on, but haven't had the time to do so yet (and it is slowly making me crazy, yes it is).
--Pre-marriage: Is so freakin' awesome. This program is so well-designed, and it gives me so much comfort and joy to know that my church cares so much about making marriages successful that they have a program like this. Wow, the word "so" popped up in that sentence quite a few times.
--Keith/the kids: Are awesome. Katie has been doing wedding things with me and is getting so grown up. We went dress shopping for her bridesmaid dress and a shower dress together and had a blast. She looked beautiful at the shower. Ben just got home from a mission trip in Detroit that he seems to have enjoyed, but I have had little time to ask him about it since he returned, so I'm kind of bummed about that. Keith is... Still the most amazing man and I am constantly amazed at how blessed I am to have him in my life. Still madly in love with him, still excited to marry him and wish I could do it TOMORROW, still can't wait to be his wife and a stepmom to his children.
--Holly: Is still incredibly... unstable... and a thorn in Keith's side, though she has mostly left me alone since Jim died (thank God). Mostly, I say? Yes, mostly. Due to the extreme short nature of all this, I'll leave details for later when I have more energy.
--Working at the gym: Is still awesome. Maria, the other evening class teacher, went on vacation this week starting last Friday, so I have picked up several extra shifts and have thus been honing my skills as a step aerobics teacher. I enjoy it - I loved taking it, and am hoping to continue to improve as a teacher. Kickboxing is still my main love and my main skill, of course. Had a group of new girls come to class this evening and love it, so I am still being reminded that this whole fitness instructing thing seems to be a gift of mine, or at least a special skill, and I treasure it. (And as I always say - I get paid to work out! What's better than that??)
--People to People: Was incredible this year, as usual. I found this trip more exhausting than others for some reason (I barely had time to do laundry, use the phone, or do anything on the Internet that one might do during one's down time on one of these trips), maybe because we hardly had more than a 1-night stay in any place for the whole trip. Lots of great pictures, of course, which I am uploading to Snapfish this year so I can order prints and stuff from there. More on the trip later, of course.
--Jim's funeral and stuff: Emotional. Sad. The aftermath has been even uglier, because Jim didn't have an updated will. The one he had and the one that they kept putting off updating was 22 years old, left the entire estate to his kids, and names his sister and her ex-husband as the executors. Since my mom wasn't in the picture 22 years ago, she is, of course, absent from it. The kids are seeing dollar signs and treating my mom like her role in their lives meant nothing. I have to put this in... I will include some emotions in this little summary because I feel it worth to note at this very moment that I have never been so angry in my entire life. Not when Chow treated me like dirt. Not when Jim was a jerkface to me as I grew up. Not when Sue was a complete witch to me during my internship. Not when Holly has been ridiculous to Keith or to me (though when she uses the kids, it does make me pretty upset).... I just feel like nothing can justify their desire to get everything the can from the estate and completely eschew their relationship with my mom, and their FATHER's relationship with her. Acting like they didn't talk about it all the time, like my mom didn't know exactly what he wanted, like the legal stuff they did draw up with a family member was "faked," etc. etc. I don't want to get into details about it right now, either, but I did need to express my anger, and to include the fact that I don't think I've ever been this angry for this long before. Anger is toxic, and I don't like it. I am good at flushing it, but everything I hear about this whole mess, all the updates, just keeps fueling my ire about the whole thing and reminding me that it seems uncontrollable at this point. I take that back - it's controllable. If I weren't controlling it to some degree, I would have already written or called my siblings to chew their goddamn faces off for being greedy and rude to my mother. I have done no such thing, however. If you are still reading this, please spare a prayer for them, for my mom, and for me... I need help dealing with my emotions related to this. I want to do the right thing, say the right thing.
My energy has pretty much depleted. I have had an extremely long day today (a day that included long hours at the vet and double fitness classes in the evening), so I should get some sleep early and get cracking on work tomorrow after I get home from Grand Rapids.