Aug 09, 2011 02:02
i feel silly making this list, but i want to remember the details, or show myself what i've been missing--maybe even what i deserve? eh, that's too cliché. no... i want to challenge myself to acknowledge, appreciate, and reciprocate a good thing; then to maintain it as it changes and hopefully, possibly, grows (insert necessary disclaimers). and i want to understand better why i am loving, doing, making, caring, differently.
so here goes. things i appreciate about my current partner, in no particular order:
- he is generally kind to people and animals, rationally principled, and responsible to his family and friends
- intimidatingly smart but learns from others
- he'll bring me something for me to try, or something he'll know i like, because we had a conversation about it at some point
- laughs at misunderstandings and doesn't rage about differences
- has a job... but also hobbies and interests
- loves to cuddle. if it's too hot to cuddle, or we're just near each other, he'll move his foot or his hand to touch me somehow
- the sex
- a visceral, physical response to music
- he doesn't get jealous much, but makes his presence, and our relationship, known
- he knows how to do stuff... a lot of stuff
- he's nice to my friends and expects that i'll spend time with them
- sometimes he'll make a random gesture that lets me know he was thinking about me--like the time or two he called me as soon as he woke up, just to talk
- he lives in his own house
- doesn't seem offended by my humor, even sarcasm
- the cooking... he can cook (as for cleaning... well. can't have everything i guess)
- hasn't said anything mean to me since i met him, and he apologized a couple of times when he thought he hurt me
- likes my independence and has his own things to do, many of which he does without me
- soft brownish, hazelish eyes and wicked eyebrows
- likes a range of activities; can stay home, go out, be active, be social, or be just with me
- he takes risks
- does things just because i said something without me even having to ask... like changing his annoying alarm clock to radio
- things change day to day... he keeps me on my toes
in response to all this, i feel less jealous and possessive than usual; more secure; loved, or at least cared for, without him having to tell me; i think about what else i can do for him, and don't feel it's a one way street. in caring for him i already feel like i'm trying to match what he deserves--not shoring up debts. i wonder if i'm doing things right; i'm afraid he wouldn't tell me if i hurt him, and i might overlook it. i had given myself this challenge: i wouldn't get with someone again unless i felt like i had to work to deserve them. i do feel that way... that so far, he has been good to me, and for me, and i hope i live up to the same. i know i am capable of cruelty, weakness, cowardice, selfishness; i would like to surmount these things.
there are negatives, but i can honestly say that at this point, the positives outweigh them without question. little wraiths haunt this conclusion: whispers from others, an ex's status update, silence, avoidance, a dream, my own paranoia, my occasional strong desire to have knowledge like commandments spelled out about what we are and what we're doing... all miscellania that fade and hopefully don't become gremlins.
lol, this post is all gooey and feels like PDA. but who knows, maybe it will be helpful for someone else too.
relationships,
love,
desire